Intoxicate
Page 15
It doesn’t take me long to spot them, and I shake my head when I see Kalli loaded down with bags.
“Did you two buy the whole store?” I ask once I’m close enough for them to hear me.
Lily skips over to me and throws her arms around my waist. “We had the best time, Dad!” she exclaims.
Okay . . . I look up at Kalli and she just shrugs.
“Do you want to see what I got?” Lily asks
I swallow hard. It’s one thing to bring her shopping, but it’s another entirely to check out the goods. I know I’ll eventually have to come face to face with them. For now, however, I’m okay to remain ignorant.
“Maybe once we get home, Lil,” I tell her.
“Okay,” she says, not minding a bit. “Hey, Dad. Remember how I’ve been begging you to get my ears pierced?”
“Yeah,” I say, knowing what’s coming. Now that we’re conveniently at the mall with cool Aunt Kalli, she’s going to beg. Sighing, I rake a hand through my hair, not wanting to argue with her about it right now. They’re just earrings, I know, but I’ve been pushing it off until I thought she was old enough to handle the responsibility of cleaning them every night so they don’t get infected. Her eager eyes make my resolve falter, and I figure that, as long as she promises to take care of them, I’ll finally let her get them pierced.
“Look!” she exclaims, pushing her hair back and cupping her ears.
With a brief glance, I spot two studs on her previously bare lobes.
“What do you think? Don’t they look good?”
What the fuck? My eyes widen at the sight and I see red. I look up and see Kalli smiling at us as if she didn’t just way overstep her bounds. Buying bras I’ve agreed upon is one thing, but piercing her skin without even asking? Who the hell does she think she is?
“One second, Lily,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm. “I need to talk to Aunt Kalli.”
Lily frowns, dropping her hair and her shoulders, but I’m too pissed to care.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and tell myself to calm down.
It’s not a big deal. They’re just ears. But fuck, they’re permanent holes!
I let out a deep breath then open my eyes to see Kalli looking at me, a puzzled expression on her face. In a few short strides, I’m directly in front of her. Grabbing her elbow, I pull her out of earshot from Lily and turn so my back is to my daughter, who I’m guessing orchestrated this whole thing. After our conversation the other day, wanting Kalli to be her mom and all, it wouldn’t surprise me that she took that to heart. And it’s something I have to remedy. Now.
“It was more exhausting picking out a bra for her than it is picking one out for me, but we managed,” she says, giving me a warm smile. It penetrates my anger—just a bit, but not quite enough.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I seethe then shake my head, trying to not to lose my cool.
Her brow furrows as her smile disappears. “What do you mean? She needed a bra. You wanted my help. One plus two equals three, Xavier, so I bought her a bra. Or, well, several bras. I don’t understand what the problem is here.”
“The problem, Kalli . . .” I pause, counting to five to keep my temper in check before I begin again. “The problem is that she has two holes in her ears now.”
“What?” she protests, looking confused.
“You’re not her mother.” I snap.
Tears pool in her eyes, and I feel like an asshole as soon as the words come out, but it doesn’t stop me from continuing.
“You had no right to make that decision without asking me. In fact, how did they even allow you to give permission?”
“I . . . I . . .” she stammers, shaking her head back and forth like she doesn’t comprehend what I’m saying.
“See, this is exactly what I was worried about. If we’re going to do this, there need to be boundaries. Just because we’re dating now doesn’t mean you have free rein on Lily. I’m her father. Her only parent. I wouldn’t even allow Ma to make those kinds of decisions. There’s no way I’d be okay with you doing it, either.”
She blinks twice and quickly wipes her cheek as a few tears spill over. “Wow,” she utters, staring at the floor. Finally, her gaze lifts, and she steels her eyes as they bore into mine. “You’re right, Xavier, and I appreciate the reminder. I’m not Lily’s mom, and it’s about time I stop wishing I could be.”
Shit. That came out entirely wrong. The dejected look on her face pierces my heart, and I feel like an ass for being the one who put it there. She goes to move past me, and I grab her arm.
“Kalli,” I start, but she holds a hand up.
“Don’t, Xavier. Can we please just get lunch and head back to Clarksville? Suddenly, I don’t feel that well. In fact, since we’re here, I’d like to pick up something for Jacob. Why don’t you two grab something to eat while I do? I had a big breakfast anyway.”
If I didn’t already feel like a supreme jerk, I feel like one now. “Kalli, forget what I said. It came out wrong. Stay. Have lunch with us.”
She looks past me, and I quickly glance back to see Lily watching us with curious eyes.
“No, that’s okay. You said what you meant. And it needed to be said. I forgot my place. Thanks for making things clear for me.” She pauses then lets out a sigh as her hands settle on her stomach. “Honestly, I don’t have much of an appetite. I’ll meet you at the truck in, say, half an hour?”
Without waiting for me to answer, she walks around me and over to Lily, where she bends down and whispers something in her ear. My heart tightens when Lily looks confused, but then she shrugs her shoulders and nods. Kalli gives her a squeeze on the shoulder then briefly looks back at me. Her expression is sad, and all of a sudden, I don’t give two fucks about pierced ears. I just want to put the smile back on her face. Before I can even make a move, she walks away from the food court, around the corner, and out of sight. It’s everything I can do to not chase after her.
I walk over to Lily. “Ready to eat, kiddo?” I ask, but she crosses her arms and glares up at me.
“What did you do?” she asks, her tone accusing.
It gives me a flash of what she’s going to be like as a teenager, and part of me wonders if that’s my problem. The bra, the earrings, the sudden independence. All of these changes are happening and I think I’m blaming Kalli when, in reality, it’s just life and I’m not ready for it.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. Kalli was fine until you showed up. She was even going to try and talk you into spending a few hours at Dave and Buster’s so we could play some games. Now, she’s suddenly not hungry and forgot to pick up a present for Jacob? And she looked like she wanted to cry. What did you do?”
Rubbing my hands over my face, I sigh, echoing her question in my head. What did I just do? Ruin this whole outing—that’s what I did.
I look down at Lily, who’s practically glaring at me. “Lil, it’s not a big deal. I just got upset because I’ve been telling you no about your ears. I’m not mad,” I tell her, realizing that it’s true. As soon as Kalli looked at me with somber eyes, all anger vanished. I just wish I’d have avoided the outburst altogether. “It’s just that she should’ve asked me first. That’s a big decision to make, and as your dad, I’m the one who has the last say.”
Lily sighs and places both hands on her ears. “Apparently, you weren’t looking close enough,” she says, holding her palms out to show me her earrings. “They’re magnetic.”
“What?” I ask, picking them up and seeing that they are, indeed, not real. I pull Lily closer to me and inspect her ears, groaning when I see there aren’t any holes there.
“I asked Kalli about piercing my ears, and she said I needed to ask you first. But she did buy me these so I could show you how good they look.”
Shit! I want to scream it out loud, but I refrain. “I thought they were real,” I say, feeling defeated.
“Yeah, well, you’re an idiot,” she informs me.
I’ve just pushed away the closest thing Lily’s ever had to a mom. And the closest thing I’ve ever had to something real.
Lily was right.
I’m an idiot.
LILY’S SILENT for almost our entire lunch, and I can tell she’s pretty miffed at me. Seriously, it’s like she entered fifth grade and some preteen switch turned on. She went from being a sweet daddy’s girl to someone entirely too independent for me. Apparently, I no longer hang the moon, and I hate it. I want my little girl back. I have to promise her that we’ll come back to Nashville soon and spend the entire day at Dave and Buster’s just to get her to talk to me. Also, I give in and promise that, next time, she can definitely get her ears pierced. Even still, she’s not as perky as she was, and I feel awful that I let down not one, but both of my girls.
Kalli’s leaning up against the truck when we get out to the parking lot, and Lily notices she doesn’t have any shopping bags.
“I thought you had to get something for Jacob,” she asks, frowning.
With a shrug, Kalli opens the door and lets Lily in as soon as I hit the unlock button. “I couldn’t find what I was looking for,” she informs us.
Lily accepts that answer. I want to close the door and apologize to Kalli right then and there. Just as I go to reach for her hand, she dodges me and climbs into the truck, shutting the door in my face.
The ride back to Nashville is awkward—at least, it is for me. Kalli and Lily chat aimlessly almost the entire way home. The only time I engage in the conversation is when Lily asks Kalli a question. Each time, Kalli defers to me, and each time, I agree to whatever she wants. Even simple things Kalli used to answer, such as what movie they can watch on the next movie night, she refuses to answer, and it makes me feel even worse.
I hate this. Things with Kalli and I have never been awkward, and I’m worried I’ve changed our entire dynamic in one day. I’m afraid I’ve changed their dynamic, which is entirely unfair to both of them.
When we pull up to Kalli’s place, I’ve barely put the truck in park when she hops out. She leans in and gives Lily a squeeze on the knee. “If you need help with anything we got today, ask your grandma. And you know the drill. My phone’s always on. I’ll see you later, Lilypad.”
“Thanks, Aunt Kalli! Sorry Dad’s a butthead.”
Kalli smiles and shakes her head. “He’s not a butthead, and that’s not very nice. He’s just doing his job. He loves you,” she says, and even though I’m mentally pleading for her to look at me, she refuses to meet my eyes. “Be good!” With that, she shuts the door and scurries up the walk.
“Be right back,” I tell Lily as I jump out of the truck and chase after Kalli, who’s nearly to her apartment door. “Kalli, wait. Let me talk to you for a minute.”
She whirls around and closes the distance between us as she pokes me in the chest. “Let me guess. You’re sorry. You didn’t mean it.”
“I . . .”
“No, Xavier. Right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t wish to argue with you in front of Lily. I certainly don’t want to make up with you, either. What you said, even if you regret it, was true. I’m not Lily’s mom. The thing is, I’m not trying to be. I’m not attempting to create some perfect little family with you. You want to form this separation of your feelings for me and Lily’s, but I can’t work that way. Because how you are with Lily? That’s part of who you are.” She lets out a small laugh. “I think, deep down, you know how much I love that girl. And it scares the hell out of you that someone could love you just as much, too. Because given the chance? I could love you like that. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I’m not going to be given the chance. You push me away when I get too close.”
As I process what she’s saying, I realize she’s absolutely freaking right. She’s read me like a book. This had nothing to do with earrings and more about my own fears. Everything’s changing so quickly, and I feel so out of control, so I lashed out when I thought she was taking it from me. My moment’s hesitation is enough of a pause for her to step back and look at me.
“Go home, Xavier. Figure out what you want from me. From us. But I can’t promise I’ll be waiting.”
Without another word, she slips inside, leaving me standing there with no clue where to go from here.
THE REST of the night, I can’t stop thinking about how much I screwed things up with Kalli today. If I’d waited five more seconds, I’d have heard Lily ask to get them pierced. I wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, and I wouldn’t have hurt Kalli.
Because I know that’s what I did. She’s done so much for me, for Lily, and I just threw it back in her face and made it seem like she’s nothing. It’s the furthest thing from the truth. I know I have to fix this. She was upset on the way home—understandably so—but I’m not going to let her dwell on it. I’m going to apologize, she’s going to forgive me, and we’re going to go back to being us.
Actually, no. I no longer think that’s enough. It’s time to get my head out of my ass and prove to Kalli just how much I want her. How much I need her.
It’s time I push my fears aside and finally move this thing completely out of the friend zone and truly into dating territory.
First things first—I need to grovel.
The thing is that I can’t exactly do that when she won’t answer her phone.
X: Answer your phone.
X: Conteste el teléfono, por favor, mi muchacha loca.
X: That’s “Answer your phone, please,” in Spanish. My crazy girl.
My hope that she’ll laugh and give in to me goes unanswered. I wait five minutes before sending the next one, knowing I’m probably acting desperate, but I don’t care. She’s had enough time to stew. Her “not waiting” comment makes me nervous, and the truth is that I am desperate.
X: This whole silent treatment thing is driving me insane. Please just talk to me. Or well, listen.
Another hour goes by and I get nothing. Screw this. If she won’t answer her phone, then I’ll go to her door and pound on it until she has to let me in. Or until one of her neighbors calls the cops. Either way, I’m not giving up.
After tucking Lily in and telling Ma that I’m going out, I’m about to hop in my truck and head over to her place when my phone beeps. Finally. A smile spreads over my face as I grab my phone and press it up to my ear.
“I thought you were going to make me wait all night, babe,” I say, relieved that she’s reaching out to me.
“Aww, sorry, babe, but I had to drop off the old lady before I could call you. Have you been missing me?” Kale’s teasing voice fills my ear, and I groan.
“Kale?”
He laughs. “Oh, God, you’re so busted! Who were you expecting? I didn’t know you were dating anyone. Hell, I didn’t even know you still knew how to talk to women. Babe? Nice touch.”
“Shut up, asshole.”
“Seriously, Xavier. I’m happy for you. Now who is she? She must be pretty special to get you talking all sweet.”
“Not going there, Kale. It’s too new and I’m not talking about it.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll back off, but only because I want this to work out for you.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” If only he knew that it was his sister. I don’t think I’d have gotten him to drop it so easily. “What’s up? Why’d you call?”
“Oh, that. Jacob and I are on our own tonight. Want to come hang for a bit?”
My ears perk up, and I know there are only a handful of girls Lucy would be out with. One has a newborn and one’s pregnant, so I can guess why Kalli hasn’t responded to me. “Yeah, sure, man. Sounds good. What’s Lucy up to that’s leaving you alone on a Saturday night?”
He laughs. “Kalli called earlier with some SOS claiming she needed a girls’ night with enough tequila to make her forget men. Weird, though. Lucy hasn’t said anything about her datin
g, so I’m not sure what happened. Probably some guy at the school who’s asked her out a couple of times. Anyways, Lucy promised me a little back door action if I’d be their D.D.”
I groan. “Seriously, Montgomery. I really don’t need to know that shit.” I try not to dwell on the fact that he just nonchalantly informed me that another guy’s actively pursuing Kalli.
“Just trying to let you know what you’re missing,” he says.
“Trust me. I already know. Be there in ten,” I tell him, hanging up the phone.
A sense of dread washes over me at the thought that Kalli’s out drinking and dancing at some bar, trying to forget me. The last thing I want is some other asshole moving in because I’ve had my head up my own ass. I’m done with slow. Consequences be damned. Kalli’s worth the risk, and it’s about time I act like it.
“YOU’RE NOT her mother.”
His words ricochet in my brain, over and over and over again.
I know I’m not Lily’s mom. I don’t want to be.
Okay, so that’s a lie. I would love it if Lily were mine, and since Angela threw away any chance of being a mother, I don’t feel bad about saying it. However, I am fully aware that it’s not the case, and I would never act like she is. I’ve tried very hard to balance out being cool Aunt Kalli while still being there for her when she needs me. And the whole time, I’ve made sure I haven’t stepped on Xavier’s toes or crossed inappropriate boundaries.
But the pain I felt when he uttered those four words to me?
It was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. There’s not a pain I’ve felt to rival it. Like she was mine and then she was ripped away from me as he placed me outside the circle. So maybe he was right about how close I’m getting, but it still hurt.
A hurt that can only be forgotten with tequila. And dancing. And more forgetting.
Grabbing my phone, I dial quickly. “I hope you’ve pumped, because I’m calling out an SOS,” I say as soon as Lucy answers the phone.
She laughs. “It’s like you have a radar for these things. I’d planned on enjoying a bottle of wine tonight, so I’m prepared. Why? What’s up?”