Thank you for being there for Gloria and me – someday the nightmares will stop
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 38
Monday night
Dear Adam,
It’s a pleasure to get away from the bad dreams at this time. Of the dreams, I can remember the last startling image – the usual business of lying paralyzed in a room – no bedroom I’d never seen and the coming of a threatening beast which transformed into the dead “Other” – but the image which propelled me into a cold sweat was this – the face streaked with blood and distorted with bruises – a person as dead as the “Other” but staring at me with glowing eyes and a grinning mouth – it was more real than anything about him, more real than himself – the he was in a funeral home, in a casket but he moved, he sat up and grinned – this was too much – I wished I could have grinned back at him – instead I woke Gloria up.
I was hoping to gain insight by talking to you yet I’m at a standstill and can’t seem to get with it – Gloria isn’t sleeping much and when she does its all bad. Can you help? Any suggestions?
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 39
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
I was asleep and I had thoughts of falling, of crashing down the cellar stairs, of worse of opening a door and stepping into an elevator shaft. I could hear my own screams blown away in the wind of the fall. I had nightmares of interminable stairs, stairs again! Only this time going up and coming out at the top to stand on a beam ten inches wide. I was alone, ninety floors above the beams; thin as wires they were. I woke in a sweat of terror.
Then I dreamed I was addressing a meeting in some great city, in an enormous echoing hall. I mounted the rostrum. Hundreds of white faces in dark suits waited respectfully. There were coughs, chairs scraped and programs rustled. I opened my mouth. No sound came out of it. I struggled, I strained. Still nothing came.
People were staring at me. Oh panic and shame. From the back of the room came the first embarrassment, nervous laughter. It spread, that laughter, that high and hooting laughter, it ran all the way down the hall. Oh God! I woke up with a pounding heart. Only then did I realize I was home.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 40
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
Once again I’ve had to get Gloria away from a nightmare – now fear is making it hard to breathe or settle down. I’m angry at this waste and fear – I need change and I have to escape from this silent blanket of numbness that is weighing me down.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone about this nightmare simply because I hate to think of blood and bruised faces and ugly things like rats and other things – I want to push it all aside like an enemy but the only way I can do that is by making Gloria’s mind blank as if she’s retarded and I can’t even do that either so I’ll have to write about it. You are not going to like hearing about it and I’ll keep it to myself if I could but this last nightmare was too much – I’m telling you this so you can stop reading here if you’d like, okay.
Just one thing I’d like to say before I tell you of the nightmare – the way you reassure me when I’m afraid, the protection you give me so often is a very precious gift that I can never repay you for – I can’t even explain how it makes me feel – the closest I can come to explain it is that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, the next time around, the next lifetime I’d like it if you could be me and I could be you – just for a while why? Because I want you to feel all the marvelous things you’ve made me feel including the secure feelings.
Now about the nightmare – it all started with a dumb conversation, someone is running trying to get away and another person is running also close enough to be heard saying, “It takes cold, utterly cruel intelligence to think of something like this – believe me it took me some time to do this thing and there’s no escape unless you cross that swamp.” Then I stop running and I’m sitting down, alone, with my head in my hands fighting for breath and when I look up, there are doors and doors facing me and I run to open one but there’s a terrible intrusion – there’s so much emotion, so many contrary feelings going through me that I feel my bones will melt under this friction – I’d better not write anymore.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 41
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Dreams again – speeding through a dark tunnel – danger – the moment passed into the dark again into sleep – another flash – wood parting from metal – a bridge falling down – screams of people as they fall – sleep but an uneasy sleep now – separating myself from all this and breathing deeply to find a place where I can close the door and find peace and quiet.
Something I’ve been remembering – it’s important to get the details. It’s like going backwards though because it has to do with a little girl when she is eight years old and the “Other” is there too – so is the sister – it’s a conversation I’m hearing. The “Other” is speaking, “Damn it, did you think I’m asking you to leave him on the spur of the moment – do you think this is a young boy’s crush – don’t you know me better than that?” He is grinding his teeth – the woman looks like she can’t believe what he’s saying and she’s telling him something – now he’s yelling and insists, “You betrayed me, you insulted me, I can see it now, you never really took me seriously and what are you anyhow a woman who is married with a baby.” She is also pregnant with another baby but he doesn’t know that – but I do because she has told Gloria and she is going to share the baby with us – we love her more than anyone in the whole world. No words follow from the “Other” except, “I’ll make you sorry, you’ll see you will be sorry.”
Right now instead of words or what followed comes feelings – a wave of bitterness and anger which could knock down with its force. It’s the same blackness of feeling there is when I think of the dark glasses he’d take off when he’d get onto a dark country road and take handfuls of mud from beside the road and smear them over the car plates. The child didn’t notice because she was sleeping with her back straight against the seat – but I did because I did not know what he was going to do to her. Again just feelings – raw – angry – desperate feelings and also a wide current of defeat in it.
Maybe all of this is not so important after all if it can make me feel like this – will have to retreat from it for now. Till later.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 42
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
I’m here to help Gloria. She kept trying to keep awake tonight but somehow she spun down into sleep, but it was a restless sleep, a sleep of nightmares. There’s a saying, “Easy Does It.” I have to add something to that “Easy Does It, But Do It”.
So I’ll tell you about the nightmare. I’m in this dream too – watching and listening to a man talking to a little girl. He’s smiling but his smile isn’t exactly reassuring. The little girl is sitting on a chair dangling her legs because the legs don’t reach the ground and she’s asking, “Why didn’t you just kill me back there if that’s what you were going to do?” The dark man smiles again, “That’s easy to answer because there would have been no fun for you – see you would have been dead and it would have been all over – too quick – terror and true fear must have both anticipation and duration – the knowledge of what is to come that’s important – you don’t know what anticipation means – you will, you will – first I want to show you my pet – a very excellent specimen – rather large and more intelligent than the average – the poor fellow has developed quite a hunger since he’s been here. He hasn’t been fed for several days. Aha, now I see you are experiencing fear just like I told you.” I stare at the large snarling rat and a deep cold revulsion grips me but this is just a nightmare I’m telling you about so I won’t forget that again – so back to what happened during this nightmare the little girl is asking, “What’s that stupid rat got
to do with bringing me here, if you think I’m sleeping in this room with your little pet think again.”
He smiles again saying, “There you go again trying to make me think you’re not afraid by calling it a little pet look again – by the way he has friends see that old mop and pail closet those others are hemmed in there they are afraid of humans – they hate humans – you are human. Some can leap four feet ahead and two feet straight up. How come your blocking your ears little girl. How come you don’t ask who “they” or the “others” are? I’ll tell you if you want to know. I’ll even show them to you but first I have to tie you down on that table so you won’t scare my little friends.”
There is more but I’m stopping here okay because I don’t want to forget that I’m retelling about the nightmare Gloria had. I’ll finish it later okay.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 43
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Have just come back from one of Gloria’s bad dreams. I’m trying again to master the skill of retreating to some private place while remaining physically present. I do not like to tell about these happenings so it is better to put the word “nightmare” to the whole thing – all I know is that these experiences will never leave us till told to someone once and for all. I just feel sorry that you are “the” someone who has to hear the horrible details.
About the rats – the conversation told the little girl was that there were many – they were nervous – the single hole in the rear of the large old mop and pail closet could not let there be a swift retreat for so many – they were afraid of humans they hated humans and (remember a child is listening to this) the conversation went on, “and a human did open the door and those rats attacked – his legs – his calves – clawed at him, he tried to beat them off with the butt of a rifle tried to knock them off with his hands, he didn’t scream little kid, he was like you real tough but then they reached his shoulders. He hunched his head and tried to protect his neck and then he screamed – how he screamed even when he threw his weight against the wall trying to crush them with himself. He knew he was finished – even when he managed to get on his feet he fell over the sink and the sink couldn’t save him. What’s the matter little girl you look scared – well don’t worry those bad old rats scattered back in the closet when two shots were fired into them and they’re still nerved up afraid of another intrusion. That poor man, you should have seen him – his clothes are all shredded – he was bitten a thousand times – both his ears chewed off – look over there in the corner little kid and you can see for yourself. He is very much dead. What are you worried about now, I told you the big bad rats that can leap four feet ahead are all back in the closet. Boy, you sure do get nerved up over nothing. How come you don’t look at the man in the corner over there – why don’t you say something or maybe you feel like crying, well don’t”
As I told you before, “Easy Does It, But Do It.” Don’t ask me what I feel at this time because I’m beyond feelings – something important though about the man in the corner – important I recall what I saw – not what Gloria saw – what I did – very tired.
Gloria’s Helper
NOTE:
Gloria’s Helper emphasized the difference between her detached and objective unconscious observation of events and Gloria’s conscious awareness that was sometimes corrupted and flawed by intense emotional reactions, thereby coloring her memory of traumatic events. Sometimes, this created erroneous fixed ideas and unconscious judgements that caused negative emotions and attitudes toward Gloria which Gloria’s Helper had to correct. “… important I recall what I saw – not what Gloria saw – what I did …”
AUTOMATIC LETTER 44
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
Thanks for gently turning us around, we were trapped – in an emotional dead end – stuck in an emotional trap like a wild frightened animal, intense feelings of humiliation, shame, grief, anger, hate, helplessness, and hopelessness the little girl felt – she wanted to die. Emotions need to come out but not bursting like a dam to drown us.
Now, I’m in a state of relaxation after having several nightmares – one dream started out to be beautiful. I was with little Gloria and we were in the children’s ward of a hospital when a nurse met us and led us down the hall to what seemed an empty room – then we saw a basket like crib and the nurse lifted a small baby wrapped in a blanket and she place the baby into little Gloria’s arms. Gloria held the infant as if she were holding a great treasure and tenderly touched its cheek – there was no separation between her and the child – they were one – and her arms closed around it. She looked at me as if unable to explain her feelings of bliss and joy – no words were adequate for the sensations of that moment but I knew how joyful she felt – the child was an object of love and he had a mission in life – to draw out love and care, to make people gentle toward him – towards each other. Little Gloria, sat in a rocker, and no sooner had the rocking commenced than the baby’s eyes opened. The brown eyes looked straight at her and in miraculous transformation melted in a conspiratorial smile as mouth tilted and cheeks spread with new found happiness – gurgling the baby grabbed little Gloria’s finger – she didn’t stand a chance. She fell in love with a little baby and that baby knew it. It could be said that God was in that baby asking to be loved because as Christ said, “Whatever you do to the least of my little ones you do to me.” I felt very happy as I watched little Gloria rocking that small bundle in her arms (knowing it was Joshua – her sister’s baby, she could not resist – knowing he innocently had helped her love again) – if I had known the nightmare that was to follow – well that’s another dream and I’ll keep it separate from this one.
Same night – Wednesday
Hi again,
I’ll attempt to tell you of another dream we had tonight – it was about Gloria but I knew I was dreaming it too. I found myself in an almost featureless wilderness – a land of snow and ice. I lost Gloria that is one minute she was there – the next I was alone, scared, frightened but strangely excited by the solitude and bleakness of my surroundings. I sensed that some great secret lay just out of sight – I was a little upset too because I felt if I discovered this secret, I’d be doing so at deadly peril – snow swirled all around me – it became difficult to see ahead of me farther than a few feet away – suddenly someone appeared out of the whiteness. I didn’t recognize the person but the person seemed to know me – then I could see that it was a man very tall and thin, and he held something like a large circle in his hands and this circle had lines radiating from the center of it like the spokes of a wheel. Then Gloria appeared next to him and though she appeared like herself at first then I noticed that she had a large single eye and her two little eyes besides – it was all very strange. The man and Gloria beckoned that I was to follow them but I began to feel numb and drowsy and I just let myself drop in the snow – something was dragging me down. I heard Gloria yelling, “Wait – wait,” but a tiny voice whispered, “This is where it ends and it doesn’t matter very much after all,” and then the white snow turned gray and the gray turned to black – then just as I was really beginning to relax I felt myself mysteriously drawn up – pulled out by my wrists and I was a little girl again – too little to understand but still I knew what was being said to me – that my sister was down there and it was somehow my fault. The “Other” said so. I knew I had done something terribly wrong and the sister had died and someone was very angry at me – that was why he came into the room at night and the blows would fall. I knew that someone had told me never to disobey again or something terrible would happen – and I did disobey only once – what happened? Something – terrible.
I’d better come out of this dream – something seems to be twisting itself around my neck making it hard to breathe. I’m taking deep breathes now (just like you told me to) and I’m okay. We’ll talk about it some other time okay?
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATI
C LETTER 45
Saturday night
Dear Adam,
Gloria had a horrible nightmare tonight and I’m trying to hurry to put it down before I forget. It makes no sense to me at all, yet it must be important because I’m overwhelmed by emotions of sadness, despair, grief etc.
In the dream Gloria was in her mother’s kitchen but the table did not belong there. I’m trying to see the picture clearer now not as a dream like it was. A little girl is circling the table, she’s hungry and waiting for someone there (I can’t see who) to put food on the table. She’s seeing something on the table as she gets closer it’s something brown – I see her getting up not wanting to see this – she looks out the window – I do too, but I can see nothing – someone has painted the windowpanes. I think they were painted because someone had died.
I follow the little girl back to the table – it’s foolish to be so afraid of something lying motionless on the table. I bend over it and hold on to the edge of the table I see what it is. It’s a doll’s head lying upside down on the table – I turn it over so its eyes stare at me – it has such beautiful hair the color of old honey. I pick up the doll and press it to my chest – the little girl screams.
“Put it down – don’t you see – the doll has no body.”
“I can make it a body. I can sew the head on the body,” I tell the little girl. The doll’s head was made of porcelain. It had beautiful glass eyes which opened and shut when you titled the head forward and back. I look into the hollow neck of the doll to see what holds the eyes in place but it was dark inside her skull. I put the doll’s head back on the table, the little girl is watching me very carefully – then I see the tangles in the doll’s hair and I try to comb them out but I can’t and the little girl starts to cry.
“Leave the doll alone, it has no body, leave it alone,” someone yells. But I was afraid rats would come and chew the doll, I pick it up and press it to my chest and the little girl sobs, “It has no body,” but it does I thought. It does. They just don’t see it.
Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places Page 7