Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places

by Linden Morningstar

  Wednesday night

  Hi again,

  Lately, when I wake up it takes me awhile to realize that I’m living here and not at my parent’s home. I wake up shivering tonight not knowing where I was. I’ve just put Gloria in a trance and she wasn’t quite in it when this letter started. Besides the dream she just had added to the confusion.

  She was in a room again with a doll lying on the table but with only a head and no body and this time the “Other” said, “Of course it’s you stupid, who else would it be,” and then Gloria went back and picked up the doll’s head and insisted, “See she has a body you just don’t want to admit it and it belongs here and I belong elsewhere.” None of this dream made any sense to me. I felt as if in that dream a little girl was swept away in a past further down the river that it was an emptiness like an animal that has been locked up all his life. There was a time during the dream when I knew the little girl wanted people around her, then she didn’t want anyone and no one seemed as alone or as afraid as she was – she hated the sunshine like she does now and it was in the dream just like now she could hardly drag herself around.

  Like in that dream and now, I feel she is disintegrating and there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to take a hold of myself and of that girl and all I can do is stop from crying out loud when her friend, Evelyn gives her the idea that she’s failing and is a drag. I am, if I give up trying she will sink back into passivity and pretend to herself that she and I are no longer there. We became quite adept at that arriving at a blankness of mind that was preferable to the earlier pain of a destroyed childhood.

  We’ll hear someone say, “Imagine her feelings – feelings – feelings are best ignored, they (feelings) are so treacherous they muddy your decisions. There’s no real freedom – whatever action you take has its reactions-they are not always pleasant. I must stop here – too much anger, hopelessness and despair. Talk to you later.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 100

  Sunday night

  Dear Adam,

  This night I slept fitfully, dreaming I was with my mother in various settings around her home. In the dream I was aware she was dead, but she was still talking to me as though she were alive. We would be sitting at the kitchen table having angel food cake, or we would be in the dining room with the lace tablecloth between us, or we’d be in her bedroom while she dusted the figurines or in the library, she reading and me at her feet on the floor listening to her read.

  That was the final one, the library and I was interrupted when the clock began to strike, I opened my eyes and it was the alarm clock buzzing. The dream had finished, the awful truth was that mother was dead and would never be again. I was seized with depression as though I had just learned of her death all over again.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 101

  Wednesday night

  Dear Adam,

  Just to say, “You’re a Sweetheart.” What a beautiful peaceful night – thanks to you. I planned on a hard night’s work – you did it all for me – what a gift. I’ll let Gloria sleep tonight she needs it – so we can dig deeper into her dark secrets – God Bless you, Adam.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 102

  Sunday night

  Dear Adam,

  My dream tonight was all mixed up by a telephone call. I was in some kind of trouble and needed to call someone. I was in a very cold place. A phone started ringing but there were hundreds of phones and I couldn’t tell which was one was ringing. Every time I picked up a receiver I got a click or busy signal or utter silence. It was very important that I talk to the person on the other end, without the information I would die of the cold. Frantically I tripped over wires and slammed down unconscious trying to find the correct phone

  I opened my eyes and didn’t know where I was but I was very cold. I could hear phones ringing but I didn’t pick any up.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 103

  Wednesday night

  Dear Adam,

  The horror of the nightmare would not leave me. Someone had tried to push a door open, and I was pressing my body against it, hoping to keep him out. It was a man but his identity eluded me. I felt my strength giving way and I tried to scream. The muscles of my neck, swelled with pain but no sound came out. Frantically, I ran to my bedroom to ask someone to help me but there was no one there.

  I was alone and he was coming toward me in the bedroom. He slammed me to the floor and put his foot on the back of my head. I started tearing the sheets and woke up. It had been a terrifying experience and I was drenched in perspiration. Maybe now that I’ve told you about it, I can go to sleep again.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 104

  Monday night

  Dear Adam,

  I’ve started this letter twice and I can’t get anywhere. Even so it will have to be told this dream of blood – it has to do with a cut across the hand the “Other” did, if you ask me I’ll tell you but I can’t write about it – blood congealing on paper – 12:30 noon till tourniquet applied – right hand on table no crying just watching – also a small incision across a vein of Gloria’s leg – just one small vein and blood written on leg. I am bad I am bad – will have to talk. I can’t write of it – okay but it’s involved and I get emotional thinking of it but it has to be talked out. Help me please – I’m worried!

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 105

  Thursday night

  Dear Mr. Clean,

  This is Gloria’s Helper and I’m here to try to help Gloria – and you also. I’m not sure that I’m going about it the right way though and I’ll tell you why. I had a hard time to get started tonight because (would you believe it) Gloria was sleeping so soundly she didn’t even want to leave her nightmare.

  The nightmare tonight had to do with this house. She dreamed there was a balcony where the cabinets are and a man was pointing a gun to shoot her – there were several people she could hear laughing out the window and she kept yelling, “Help me, help me, somebody listen there’s a man whose going to shoot me, then the man got angry because she kept moving around and yelling for help so he took out a knife and headed down from the balcony towards her. Gloria got more terrified and just yanked the door to run out to the people and no one was there but she ran and ran till she got to the parking lot but every car had the doors locked and others that weren’t locked had wild animals in them. She had this dream before only that time she really did run out and leave the house and found herself outside later, it happened about two years ago before she came to see you. She used to have to put a chair in front of the door every night.

  I’m wondering if it’s wise “to rock the boat,” and go into what we talked about before your vacation now that this dream resurfaced. She didn’t take a sleeping pill tonight and slept even though she had the nightmare – it might have to do also with the fact that so many other things are going on that are stressing her – a lot of serious medical problems and illnesses like pneumonia and cancer, her good friends are battling.

  What do you think about starting something else or shall we continue? I’m able to push the volcanoes and tornadoes away but I’m wondering with her new bland diet and all if it’s taking too much on to be left (where??) when you’re gone. I’ll go along with whatever you decide because I don’t want to back up now but there are other areas we could dwell on and straighten out also and it wouldn’t be wasting time or maybe I’m just looking for a “way-out” on the “Other” – help me, okay and I’ll follow along. Thanks for being here for us! Affectionately,

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 106

  Saturday night

  Dear Adam,

  I don’t have to write down the dream Gloria had because she had it once before while awake doing all the actions and during the day, except the dream was different tonight in one variation – I’d like to tell you abou
t it. The Pyramid lady with the third eye was there tonight also. I’m looking forward to talking with you again.

  Gloria’s Helper

  (P.S.) In case I forget the dream it had to do with Mr. Claw’s climbing in the window with an ax.

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 107

  Sunday early Monday

  Dear Adam,

  I thought Gloria was done with bad dreams at least for a while but it didn’t work out that way. She had one real nightmare tonight – but it was all mixed up and made no sense. A little boy was wandering around the house in the middle of the night to get something to eat from the refrigerator when he caught a glimpse of light from a door that was ajar. He went closer to see who he could talk to but once there he knew at what he saw that he shouldn’t interrupt the two people on the bed who were in a strange scene. It was his sister and her husband – she was crying and moaning and struggling with her husband and no one was paying attention – the little boy who went in to help her crept into the closet wondering what to do next. He could see over the foot of the bed but that was all – when he heard his sister move again he decided to push the door a little more but he became even more frightened when he heard her pleading. He thought he ought to help his sister but he was afraid of his brother-in-law – the little boy’s eye was caught by another movement and he saw the bedroom door open again. He was all happy when he saw his older sister coming in. She was very grownup and she would know what to do. She’d be able to help the younger sister if she needed any help – he waited for the older sister to do something but she just stood there watching the younger sister with her arms around her husband – just watching – the little boy was about to talk to her when he saw her raise her arms and hands above her head. He saw the ax in her hand and he saw it flash down and heard the sound as the hard sharp metal slashed through his sister’s skull – he heard the brother-in-law cry out and he watched in confusion as he tried to struggle free of his wife’s death grip.

  He watched horrified as his sister raised the ax again and again bringing it flashing through the air. Long after both had stopped moving all he could see was the silver ax and red – terrified he huddled in the closet wondering if his sister was going to kill him too – but she was standing still now, looking at what she had done – then she started looking on the floor for something he couldn’t see. Then she stood up and pulled a chair in the room exactly below the light fixture in the ceiling. The little boy thought she was looking for him and wanted more light but she climbed on the chair and began tying, something to the light fixture – it was an electric cord the kind his parents used for the xmas tree because the ends weren’t long enough. He remembered why she was tying it to the light fixture because everyone knew that cords have to be plugged in to work.

  He saw his sister tie the end of the cord around her neck and he realized what she was going to do – he’d seen this before – she was going to hang herself – he tried to scream and nothing came out. He couldn’t make a sound and he huddled there in the closet. Gloria woke up in a cold sweat still trying to scream – that’s all but it doesn’t apply to anything that real in our life. Not the way the dream happened – I’m tired and can’t write well at all. Thank you for listening – if this dream makes sense to you, it doesn’t to me.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 108

  Sunday night

  Dear Magnificent Brawny,

  I stole the idea for that salutation from Gloria – don’t get the wrong idea about this – it’s meant as a compliment – also “there is a method to our madness” – you see when I write it’s always to tell you about some nightmare so it’s so much better to think that there’s a “Jolly Green Giant” eh, who might come to our rescue. Well here I am writing again and being able to – glad I still can.

  I awoke from tonight’s dream shivering and even scared myself – was it real – I thought so at first – the screams – crimson stains on the floor and walls – crazy laughter and a little girl looking on who emitted a little peep like a chick that had just broken out of its shell. Then I’m caught between walls that keep closing on me, and so is Gloria and we’re on the edge of a cliff. I get to my feet and very cautiously try to flatten myself against a wall as far back from the edge as possible – I make the mistake of looking down again and I yell, “Help! Help! Up here! Come!” There is a large crack we can follow. I tell Gloria, “Come this way it’s easier.” I look up and see our friend the woman with the three eyes (one a pyramid eye) and I get a hold of myself – then I look up – I look down and say, “I can’t,” and Gloria says, “Sure we can see we’ve got help now,” and she starts to climb up by herself. I can only stare like a zombie – and the Pyramid lady says a strange thing to me. She said, “Your brain works differently now from the way it did before. It’s a matter of compensation. If a person loses one sense the others become sharper. Your brain has compensated for the damage to its emotional centers by sharpening its intellectual centers.” This is the longest talk this woman ever had with us, and it encouraged me, so that I became less scared and started to edge my way up but then the walls moved again and I woke up shivering.

  Well bad dreams or not, if Gloria is really going to get well she has to remember everything and she’s going to in the long run. She found four of her sleeping pills stuck at the bottom of the bottle tonight and she took one and slept better – but the bad dreams continue – always in the hills or the woods or the attic hearing the slaughter of a family by a madman – but don’t get frustrated by all this because we are making good progress and we’ll continue to help ourselves (Gloria and I) so just don’t give up on us, if the dreams continue night after endless nights – it’s just a way of expressing our feelings, I guess. Thank you for being here for us.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 109

  Wednesday night

  Hi again,

  Tonight Gloria had a dream that seemed all too real – it was about being buried in the trunk in an attic – the old trunk was cracked and scarred and it smelled from moth balls though we didn’t know what the smell was from – the “Other’ wanted Gloria to know what “dead” was like – lying in the trunk with the lid down, her nails scratching at the sides. Gloria saw in the darkness red striations and whether she opened or closed her eyelids it didn’t matter – the blackness was deeper than it was at night when she woke up – but there was no light now just the red streaks and the darkness and there was no sound either.

  The “Other” had told the little girl about being dead and about being buried underground but he hadn’t told her things she didn’t understand, “How you got out when you were tired of lying there and doing nothing,” – how did you move all that dirt – didn’t you have to wait tell someone came and dug you up? And what if they forgot if they got to playing too hard or their Mommy and Daddy had their supper time or if they had a fight and didn’t notice you weren’t there and later went to bed. How would you get out then – would you have to stay there all through the night though the little girl supposed it wouldn’t matter about it being night since it was dark in the graves ground anyway – just like it was in the steamer trunk in the attic.

  She didn’t like being dead in the trunk playing dead and she wasn’t sure that the “Other” was playing a game – no she didn’t like the cemetery game much really not at all it scared her like the dark scared her. She wondered what time it was and if she could push back the lid even if the “Other” got angry and punished her for not playing dead but she couldn’t move it. She thought about the lady with the three eyes and heard a voice say, “Did you need me for something?” and the lid was lifted and the lady was there. Her arms outstretched to pull her out – she was smiling and it made the little girl feel so good as good as the sun shining on her head made her feel – and the lady said, “See all you have to do is think of me and I’m here, now don’t forget that any more than I’d forget to come to get you out of the ground if you were put the
re – and the little girl smiled and smiled – suddenly the lady was gone and the “Other” was there and he put the little girl back in the trunk but she knew a secret way to get out now – think of the lady and she wasn’t scared of playing dead anymore but she didn’t tell the “Other” about anything, she knew she’d better not – then she was quiet as a mouse and didn’t make a sound.

  She pretended the lady would scoop all the dirt away from the top of the coffin she was in even if the “Other” left her there but the “Other” got disgusted because she didn’t cry to be let out and he let her out. It was still a very scary dream and the little girl didn’t feel very brave and when the “Other” let her out before she could stop them the tears began to trickle and the “Other” told her to stop that but the tears kept coming and he punished her again but that’s another bad dream she had.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 110

  Saturday night

  Hi again,

  We’re back to normal again – no fog, but we are back to bad dreams, I know something important because of those antidepressants. I know that my sanity depends on believing my own perceptions, because if I let pills or others define reality for me, I would slide like a snowdrift into fantasy – not that I like what happened in the past or what was done to Gloria but it did happen and it was done and there’s no way that I’m going to make myself say differently or believe differently.

  I mean it doesn’t matter now if I told people and they didn’t believe me (like the little girl) I’d stick to my belief of what I know – also a hundred landlords could tell me they didn’t believe a girl or woman hid upstairs but I know she did.

  Like the dream Gloria had tonight – it was a dream but there was a happening too just about like that dream where someone dangled her above a cliff and a hand had finally pulled her kicking and screaming over the abyss and the gaping hole that had almost caught her. A scream had started in her stomach at the time, in the dream she couldn’t stop the scream but in the real happening, she had to control it or he would have exposed her to the cliff again and she’d have splintered all her bones.