Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places
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He said she could die there, he’d never turn her loose – guess he was mad because she tried to shoot him so many times – but she failed so he should have been a better sport (Ha Ha). Anyway, I woke her up before she got too upset on that ledge.
Then Gloria had another dream where she was locked up in a dark and dreadful pipe, trying to squeeze herself into something like a fetal position after her legs had gone to sleep – her neck and back had gone from excruciating pain to numbness to pain again and she kept exercising her fingers to help the circulation – furry spiders kept creeping around the walls of the pipe – touching her – making Gloria shudder from her feet to the top of her head – it was very black within the pipe and she started to imagine things like a huge hairy-legged tarantula dangling from the tunnel roof. Suddenly, leaping to attack – spider eyes burning – spider teeth clicking insanely – it must have felt like peaking at the inside of your eyelids in a coffin.
Gloria kept turning to either end of the cramped pipe for a glimpse that there was another world somewhere – she got it – the reassurance that she was looking for – the lady with the three eyes was suddenly there – there was silence – then she laughed, pulled Gloria out and embraced her. I was one happy person to see our friend again – I’m sure Gloria was happy to see her also. Enough about our nightmares, we, had others too but there’s been a lightness and a softness in Gloria that has lasted since the last time we talked with you and it’s beautiful to see.
Something not so good, I kept for the last – the woman upstairs – her son slept there with a girl last night – we sure hope it’s not the same girl from Canada or we’ll go crazy for sure – just telling you so you can share our happy moment of the upstairs. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 135
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
Just wanted to start by telling you that I trust you as I have never trusted anyone before and you represent a great many things to me – you are all men in one. I’m learning a lot from you and from Gloria and her dreams. I’m learning for instance that “bravery isn’t a square jaw and a thick head”. Bravery is standing toe to toe with fear every minute of every hour, now knowing if you’re going to get through this second and afraid the next one might be one too many – and the worst of it is that if that you’re strong, so you survive when others would have been broken and gone free – crazy free but you survive day after day no matter how bad it is and it gets very bad sometimes nightmares and all.
We had a bad dream tonight again – I see it now – a little girl in an attic digging while someone downstairs was asking where could she be and the “Other” said, “You’re all making too much of this – most kids do wander off and then eventually wander back – that’s nothing to go off the wall about.” The little girl heard and paid no attention, she wanted to find something and she was going to. Boxes were everywhere, and old crates, a cradle, a highchair, a playpen – all the things of babyhood – as well as a neatly tied bundle of books and magazines – the books attracted the little girl “Nancy Drew” – the “Bobbsey Twins” – she poked around and found a nook again and started digging through this – she was so immersed in her digging that at first she didn’t hear rustling – perhaps the scurrying of mice but when she straightened up she knew someone was in the attic with her. A dark presence it was the “Other” and he had a hammer and saw long nails in his hands and she grew afraid at the look on his face – he told her she had a right to be afraid because someday soon he was going to get her with that hammer and he was going to nail her two hands and her two feet to the attic floor and she could die there before anyone found her. She wanted to run but she couldn’t move – nothing she told herself will make me run and let him know I’m afraid – slowly she put one foot in front of the other, leaving fresh tracks in the dust on the floor and then gaining courage moved faster and faster, pushing aside clothes racks and boxes, making noise, she was almost at the door when he grabbed her neck and said, “Don’t forget about the hammer and nails, I’ll always have them.”
She got away and I was ready to wake her up when she had another bad dream about trying to cross a wide river with muddy water – and so it goes – bad dreams and all we’re still here – will talk to you next time – thanks for listening.
Gloria’s Helper
(P.S.) Our upstairs friends are still there.
AUTOMATIC LETTER 136
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Tonight I went for a walk in the forest and found a gazebo. I stopped to rest and guess who found me the Pyramid Lady. She smiled and said, “Hello,” and then I asked her, “If she had ever wanted to do great exciting things?” She said, “No,” but added, “All I wanted was my work.” “I know. I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be,” she said, “If the world didn’t have people like you Gloria it would be a very dull place indeed. Like one gigantic place, I suppose all dark and somber. Living would be a terribly pedestrian business without the impatient ones. The seekers. Always searching for something new, always on tiptoes, anticipating discovery. Such people find change as necessary as breathing.”
“Is that the way to be?” asked Gloria.
“Yes,” she cried, “but it can be dangerous. Or heartbreaking or both. Gloria looked puzzled. “What I mean my dear, that when you plunge into such ambitious waters you can drown in a sea of disappointment. People can disappoint you cruelly. Sometimes the more you try to help others, the more harm you do, to yourself and to others. Helping others can be a thankless task. I don’t mean helping others in the sense of the poor or of bread or charity. Giving of yourself, your knowledge, your understanding is a wonderful thing Gloria as long as you keep it in perspective. Sometimes you know it’s possible to confuse counseling with ego. You’ve got to remember that you are not God. He helps but He never meddles. He doesn’t need that kind of gratification.”
“I don’t understand,” Gloria said.
“Nor should you. Even if my philosophy were a little less obscure you have too much zeal to understand but let me give you an example. Remember Olivia, anyone with a hard luck story headed for Olivia. She took their troubles on her shoulders. She was so busy saving the world she never thought of her own life. One day she finally understood that she was playing God. She was bolstering her own ego. She should have been counseling herself instead. Enough for now I’ll tell you more next time.”
Here I awoke much intrigued.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 137
Saturday night
Hi,
Let me tell you about tonight’s dream. First, I see a little boy sitting in a doctor’s office. He doesn’t want to be there – but the Doctors are quite excited about his illness – he wants to leave but the three doctors are dismayed when he says he’s leaving – they remonstrate with him – they lecture and to the little boy who felt he was losing his mind the trio of doctors begin to look just like the “Three Stooges” – he expects them to start bopping each other, staggering around the office with their white coats flapping, breaking things and shouting with broken accents.
Well when the doctors start looking like Larry, Curly and Moe, it’s time to do something and the little boy says politely that he must leave, thank you, and one of the doctor’s says, ‘but you’ve only seen the outside office, come into our real office,” and the little boy is led into a large room where the “Other” is waiting with a lot of instruments near a table and he says, “First we open the head, next the neck,” and the three doctors nod “yes”, and grab the little boy and strap him to the table, then he hears the noise that means his head is going to be operated on the whir of a saw – here I woke Gloria up.
Next she had a dream about the little boy being tied on a table and covered with a wet cloth and he was then pressed by a hot iron from foot to chest – the temperature of the iron ensured that the resulting burns and infections increased only
slightly with each pressing. We didn’t like this dream too much – then we were left out in a desert sun to be burned again – there we decided to wake up before all the ants got to us. We also dreamed that Gloria’s mother was crying “lost child” – “lost child” – and she just sat there weeping – it was quite a night but the fact that I’m able to write to you about it proves that we survived again. Till next nightmares, take care of yourself – will await instructions.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 138
Tuesday night
Dear Adam,
Tonight’s dream started out okay. You may recall that Gloria told you she used to work at Harlan Landry’s making handmade fishing flies (before she got married) well in tonight’s dream there is a little boy again. He opens a small metal box – inside are neat rows of flies that lines the box – the fly he selects is nearly as long as his thumb – the colors are bright – blue, yellow, rose, – another little boy comes in the room and the little boy say, “I hope this works I’ve tried everything but a Du Pont spinner – even a Lively Lily.” “What’s a Du Pont spinner?” asked the other boy – “does it work?” “I don’t know,” he answers and adds, “but I tried the Lively Lady and the times I used it you could hear the fish snickering all up and down the canyon, so I wouldn’t call it dynamite.”
They kept talking in low tones and didn’t notice that another person had entered till the “Other” yelled, “What are you doing with my fishing flies and tackle,” – both boys looked up and didn’t seem disturbed till he asked, “Where did Gloria go?” One of the boys took a deep breath and told the “Other”, “Who knows? She could be anywhere a seven year old imagination takes her, up the chimney or down the rabbit’s hole, or as far away as the bedroom closet – why don’t you lay off the kid and leave her alone – pick on someone your size like me!” The “Other” laughed and said, “You’re just a little boy,” and the boy replied, “And she’s just a little girl.” “Give me those fishing flies, I’m going to teach that kid to disobey me when I tell her not to,” and the boy snapped the metal box shut, opened a window and threw the box outside – while the “Other” left in a rage to get the box and look for Gloria.
I cut the dream off before he found her so it didn’t turn out so bad tonight – now I’m too tired to tell you about the raging tiger that did find Gloria – that dream was one super nightmare because Gloria was no match for that tiger – will talk to you later when more pleasant subjects are on my mind.
Gloria’s Helper
NOTE:
Gloria’s Helper’s reference to nightmares began to change into dreams. The difference in wording symbolized a fundamental shift in her awareness and ability to accept Gloria’s trauma—a significant mark of progress.
AUTOMATIC LETTER 139
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
I met with the Pyramid Lady again tonight. She took up our talk where we had dropped it the other night. I asked her about the word and it was counseling. She said that, “Sometimes you know it’s possible to confuse counseling with ego.” Again she spoke of Olivia. She said, “Anyone with a hard luck story headed straight for Olivia. And if they didn’t she went looking for them. Your niece Olivia counseled them and mothered them and tried to sort out their lives and took their troubles on her shoulders. She was so busy saving the world that she never thought about the course of her own life.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Gloria asked.
“Nothing. Except that one day Olivia realized why she was doing it. She faced a cold hard fact. Her primary motivation was that while she appeared all wise and indispensable it gave her more satisfaction, than it gave help to the people whose lives she literally took over. She was a put on – only bolstering her own ego. Playing God if you will. The only way she could feel important to herself was by being with a lot of very inadequate people. She was using weaklings to strengthen her own insecure opinion of herself. Does that make sense to you Gloria?”
“Yes, it certainly does because I did the very same thing. So, I guess if you do things for the right reason – or if you understand why you’re doing them – it’s okay to help people. Otherwise, you’re just fooling yourself. Is that it?”
“Very wise Gloria. Close enough for now. And when you’re needed, the right people will find you. Understand not just the waifs and strays, please God. Goodnight my dear, till next time.”
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 140
Thursday night
Dear Adam,
Gloria finally fell asleep and dreamed she was walking down a cobblestone street in a country where she couldn’t speak the language – yet felt completely at home. It must have been some Mediterranean country because she saw only women on the street. That is till she got closer and noticed the Pyramid Lady walking toward her. A few shy faces framed in black shawls stared unsure from doorways or shuttered windows but she paid no attention and continued walking toward the center of town where tables of men sat drinking and laughing. Without understanding any of the words she moved among them as if she had known them all her life.
One pulled Gloria into his lap but before he could kiss her the Pyramid Lady yanked her off and pointed to a table where a man was sitting alone, his back to the crowd, indifferent to all the laughter.
The Pyramid Lady said, “Aren’t you drawn to his despair or maybe you didn’t see him. You’re going to have to confront him someday, you know that. Why not go to him?”
Drawn to his despair Gloria went to him and began to caress him, using tricks she didn’t even know she possessed to cheer him up. The crowd seemed to disappear into the shadows, but Gloria could sense they were all still watching from somewhere – she grew desperate, as if making this man respond by smiling, made her life depend on it. Then he picked her up and strode to the edge of the water where a small sailboat was waiting. Not until they were sailing on the ocean did he smile, away from all the curious faces watching from the shore and then he said, “I just knew you’d know me someday,” and Gloria woke up.
Gloria’s Helper
NOTE:
One of the most puzzling letters yet, a nameless man in despair that someday Gloria would know and have to confront. Who could that possibly be? And why did the Pyramid Lady point him out and suggest Gloria go to him? Why would she be drawn to his despair? Mystery upon mystery emerged that Gloria’s Helper would have to unravel to get to the source of who tortured Gloria.
AUTOMATIC LETTER 141
Wednesday night
Dear “Rock of Gibraltar”,
Wish I could say, “We had some real good dreams tonight – but why make you shout with glee – it’s better to make you work for your money so we’ll tell you about our dreams.”
There was one dream that had two little boys sending voice messages (over tin can telephones) to one another and one part of it made Gloria laugh. One little boy yelled, “Can I borrow your baseball bat?” and then yelled, “Can you hear me?” Can I borrow …” that’s as far as he got because all the others in another room yelled, “We all can hear you Eddie – yes you can – now for God’s sake, shut up and let us get some sleep.”
But he didn’t get the baseball bat because the “Other” said, “The baseball bat was handy to have around for household chores and naughty children.” The Gloria turned out to be the naughty child and the dream turned into a nightmare and I couldn’t get her out of this dream so she ended up really very frustrated and real angry. Some of these nights are unspeakable. There was one dream where everybody went nuts.
Gloria told a bunch of people about the baby she found in the trunk, nobody believed her, and when it was all over, the parents suggested sending her away – she was really upset so she went to the cemetery and dug up the grave again and found broken bones this time and was very discouraged. The “Other” found her there and told her he’d stab out both her eyes with scissors if she ever came to the grave or talked of it again. She tol
d the “Other” he was going to hell when he died and he told her he’d see her there and she said, “No, he wouldn’t because she was in hell now and couldn’t be there twice.” His answer was an angry yell – it didn’t bother Gloria too much – what about her own despair?
It didn’t seem to be around much anymore – the older she got (seven and a half years old) the less anything could upset her for very long. Maybe the only cure for her problems was the crying process. But that could take years! Like maybe 50 or so.
So much for our dreams tonight.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 142
Sunday night
Hi again,
Tonight it came to me why it seems better to tell you about our dreams – for one thing we were never allowed to get at any of the things that happened to Gloria – when we tried to tell, either no one would listen or didn’t believe it. Now, someone is listening and it’s a healing process.
I mean we know now that even if we dream of a tiger no wild beast is going to devour us it’s just a dream. Like last night and tonight, we dreamed of a wild beast and we dreamed of something the “Other” had done once – he had taken Gloria to the zoo and said the lions were hungry especially for little girl’s skin. She asked why for the skin of little girls and he said, “Because it was very seldom that a little girl was so bad she had to be thrown away to the lions.” She replied, “But I’m not that bad right?” His answer was, “Well this will have to be decided this afternoon, that’s why we’re here.” Gloria was terrified all afternoon, were the lions going to get their little girl’s skin or not and was it going to be her skin or some poor other little girl’s skin and she felt guilty about hoping it was someone else. She stayed close to the lion’s cage and when a man came to feed the lion’s meat, he couldn’t understand why a little girls came up to him and whispered, “Mister please feed them a lot, okay?”