Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places
Page 27
There was no passion in it, no uncontrollable violence. She just held him hard and struck him a sharp blow across the face. It was his reaction that troubled us. He stopped screaming, he was quiet and that was all right. But then he didn’t put his hand up to his face where the blow must have stung him instead he began to cry and sob and he put both hands over his mouth to keep himself from screaming out his suffering. Then he took a pin and stuck it into his arm and said, “Now, I have a different focus of pain,” and the lady said, “Now you know what pain is, no matter where it’s at.”
He said, “Why did you hit me?” She said, “Because you were out of control.” Then he said over and over, “I must not hate my mother – she’s ill – she can’t help it – she’s mad – I must not hate my mother.” The lady told him, “You’ll be quite safe from your mother. I will take you home.” He answered that he had understood and forgiven his mad mother but he had not wanted to be with her because she only gave him pain. The lady said, “Your suffering is over and you won’t have to be alone, I’ll make sure of that.”
The dream ended with the three eyed lady leading the large man out and she told the little girl, “Don’t be afraid, he won’t hit you anymore,” and we woke up. I’m happy that I could write again and remember the dream. Till next time.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 182
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
I have tried writing this letter before and didn’t succeed so I’ll give it another try. Gloria is very depressed – she withdraws – doesn’t want to have anything to do with anybody – it’s like she shrinks and crawls into herself. She’s sure that she should be feeling something but she feels numb. It’s as though her power to absorb shock is used up and she is null and void. It’s the same way with me. I know we had a bad dream tonight because we had one last night too and something bothered me this morning. But I couldn’t remember last night’s dream and I can’t remember tonight’s dream either. I can’t get a handle on what it was that lurked in a bottom drawer of my mind that lingered. The harder I try to bring it back to the forefront of my consciousness the further back it sank.
I feel the impatience and frustration of a child encountering a Chinese finger puzzle for the first time. So I’ve decided to just ride with it, sit back and wait till I go into trance with you tomorrow and see if it will come to me on its own. Sorry not to be of more help this time.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 183
Wednesday night
Hi,
Well, I’ve put myself in as a deep a trance as imaginable – hope it works. I want to tell you something. You give me hope where there seems to be none. You’re a man who opens doors I had never known were there. I’ve become fascinated by your imaginative search for the answers to my needs. I’m deeply grateful that you care this much to help me – how can Gloria and I miss with someone like you. Thank God, He put you into our lives.
Gloria had a very strange dream tonight. Her father was walking with her and he said, “There’s something you must see and accept before you can go further on your quest to be helped,” and he took her to this cemetery and there were rows of graves but all with tombstones, she knew all in a row, her mother – sisters – brothers – Joshua – and all her old friends – all of them together. It was a big shock! We were filled with sadness and grief. Then Gloria’s father left her there and Gloria woke up with tears pouring down her cheeks and she cried herself to sleep.
I’m going to make this short because I’ve found it’s no good to make impossible demands on myself. It’s not necessary to put myself through that. What’s important is that I don’t let anything come between you and me and my recovery. What I can’t handle, I’ll put aside for a short while. “What you and I are doing together matters more than anything,” the Pyramid Lady told me that in a dream tonight. She also said, “You have to hold yourself steady and stop trying to prove your mettle. I know you’ve got what it takes. Now you must start believing it like Adam believes.” I was about to tell her, I didn’t know what METTLE meant when I found her gone.
Hope this letter encourages you rather than do the opposite. I’ll see you soon.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 184
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
So many of the dreams Gloria has point out a lesson. I’m beginning to think that on earth there are no actual mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves no matter how unpleasant are necessary in order to learn what we need to know to learn; whatever steps we take they’re necessary to reach the place we’ve chosen to go.
It’s like when we look back on our days, they’ve passed in a flash – time doesn’t last and nobody’s got long to live. Something bridges time and the best way to pay for a happy moment is to enjoy it. I wonder how we would live if we were spiritually advanced. Like our curiosity about dying – once you think you’ve done it (Gloria’s first heart attack) – we think of it as jumping down a dark tunnel and with luck and the brilliant action from guardian angels we’re at that light of warmth and love which is God in all His mercy.
In a dream we were with the stars tonight again except that they were green, red, and blue stars and the Pyramid Lady was there and she told me that, “Each day that I stay on my feet, each day that I see, hear, feel, and smell what everyone else does, and each night that I go to sleep in my bed, I could climb under the covers with a feeling of victory.” Sure I’d have the fear a lot but also have the victory. That’s really something to hope for isn’t it? A victory each day – what a miracle if we could feel that way each day.
The lady also said that I’m doing so well. She said, “My child you’ve been through more than most could handle and come out of it so well. I marvel at your wisdom and courage and tell Adam our friend that I feel humble in the face of his wisdom, generosity of spirit and courage, also.” I felt humble too and Gloria and I, found ourselves on the beach with soft sand on our feet.
We had two bad dreams also, but I thought this most important to write about and now I forgot them. See you soon.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 185
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
To begin with I want to thank you for being angry about what happened to me with the “Other”. I can understand it but it’s a luxury I can’t afford or I’d walk around like a seething volcano for days. Being angry is also a privilege for the sane. If you have been diagnosed as mentally emotionally disturbed any display of anger is thought of as loss of your control. I understand that anger at others acts like a boomerang and can hurt me more than it could ever hurt anyone else. Though now I can accept my anger at the “Other” who much deserved it but the little girl hid it to survive.
I think that’s also why the part of us that stays a kid is the part that keeps us alive. It’s the part of us that believes that just because we don’t have the answers doesn’t mean there are no answers. And it’s a part of us that can love without reason, without logic just because it’s a child’s nature to love and it’s a child’s need to love – and be loved back.
I can’t react tonight. I don’t know what I feel. When a body is beaten it bleeds and if it bleeds enough it goes into shock. And maybe that’s what happened to my mind, my heart and my emotions at the hands of the “Other”. Now I begin to feel again, I feel dizzy with fear, anger, guilt, and compassion all mixed together. But now I can feel and accept what I feel good or bad. It’s good to feel alive. Thanks for listening.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 186
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Tonight Gloria dreamed about “SHAMANS” yes, I know you’ll wonder what a shaman is unless you already know. We didn’t, so we asked the “Pyramid Lady” what the word meant and she said, “It was a healer that it was someone who could see past the concrete world, past current knowledge to a special kind of
truth by looking deeply into himself.” Also that he understood the connection between humans, nature, and the spirits and he used the truth and that understanding to help heal his people – that, it was a calling – the Indians called a gift from the Great Spirit – which the gift is passed from one shaman to another – the older teaches the younger.
When she repeated all this twice we asked if the spirits were like God and she said, “Very much like what we call God except that the Indians see “God” in all things and it was a beautiful gift, and if Gloria wanted it badly enough, that she had it in her power to make the community better – she’d already done so in her past work with children and their parents – also by bringing back from a time of testing, violence, and chaos, the special visions she had. That she had clean hands and a pure heart and could walk the red path, if she so chose – and that she would guide us.”
The Pyramid Lady talked with us a long time and explained all kinds of experiences we had profited by and it turned out to be a most encouraging dream. When we told her how interesting all of her talk was she said it was her job to guide us to encouraging truths and when Gloria said, “I think I could be a shaman if I wanted to,” she said that she was already well on her way to being just that. We learn something new every night, it seems, now we know a new word “shaman”. Did you ever hear of it before?
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 187
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
In my dream tonight, I was at the Mardi Gras in Orleans. New Orleans’s blazed with color and brass. There were bands in the square and other bands marching with the long parade that wound and twisted through the streets. Indians in feathers, skeletons, Chinese dragons, crowned kings and queens rode on floats or walked and danced and pranced. Everyone was drunk with music and some stronger stuff. Wearing one’s mask, it did not matter how one screeched or capered, or what stranger one seized and kissed. It was all pure and reckless joy. Perched on a railing, Gloria sat for a long time watching the color and dazzle. She felt like a child before a Christmas tree and a pile of presents, and was suddenly aware that she had been needing this reckless joy.
After a while, she got up and bought a coke, content to drink it alone, just sitting in the shade with her thoughts. She wondered whether she could be classified as a loner. She caught a look around and saw the Pyramid Lady sitting by herself. Gloria went up to her and said, “I was just wondering if I was a loner.” The Lady said, “I don’t think so, for there are always people whose company give you light and warmth. They are selected people though, though not the “social” crowd among whom one is expected to take one’s pleasure. Even so, no one bores you and you are never alone, so no, I wouldn’t say you’re a loner. And looking about today at all this gaiety under the sun, one might as well think, “Let it be.” After all why should you upset the peace? Except the peace won’t last. Tomorrow they’ll all be discontented again. We have a lasting peace even if were lonely at times.” Then she smiled at Gloria, hugged her and walked away in the crowd. This is all I remember about this dream.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 188
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
Gloria fell into a brief sleep and she had a dream. She dreamed she got out of bed, went to the window, climbed out and landed barefoot in snow. Tall pine trees grew all around her and clouds whispered across the face of the moon. She saw tracks – big paw prints in the snow, leading away into the woods. She followed them; she could feel the moonlight on her shoulders. Presently, she saw a large shaggy wolf with golden eyes. She set down in the snow and he came up and lay beside her, putting his head in her lap. The night was serene, as serene as the wolf’s eyes gazing up at her and she could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath his ribs. The golden eyes blinked and seemed to say: Here is trust, here is love, here is home. Gloria woke up surprised to find herself in bed.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 189
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Gloria dreamed of a glade tonight. It was the perfect place to straighten out the muddle her life had revealed. She stumbled into the glade by accident, deep in thought, and stood in its center slowly turning. It was like a little room: tall poplars and birches were the walls; their outspread branches met overhead to form a ceiling through which bits of blue showed, an old log felled long ago created a perfect bench.
Gloria who had mystery in her life began to think her glade enchanted, magical. She found an Indian arrowhead and wondered if, long ago, the Indians used this as a place of worship. They revered practical spirits, gods who lived in corn and trees and water, gods you could touch and commune with. It made me feel the old gods were still there. At least it was a quiet spot and Gloria fell under its spell; she fancied the glade had been waiting for her.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 190
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
I dreamed about healing tonight. The Pyramid Lady came to me and reminded me that I had had a chance to try out my gifts of healing during my year at the convent. There was a strange healing power in my hands. I could hold them a few inches above a bad cut or bad burn and within hours the cut would close over and the burn would disappear without infection. I did this over and over without the person’s knowledge. But the most perceptive would talk of it – all they felt was a strong sensation of warmth and they tried to question me about it. You brushed them off with a laugh and said, “You’re imagining things,” knowing they would never understand.
“But they were not imagining. You possess some kind of power that enables you to see what you thought as an “aura of energy” around other people. Become convinced now that each person radiates a kind of electrical discharge which you can identify, though others obviously cannot. Believe that this radiation is stronger in some people than in others. Frequently, you’ll see a faint halo around the whole body of another human being.
Occasionally, it will be so strong that it will be almost blinking. In your case it explains your healing powers. For this time speak of your gifts to no one except Adam, just be content to let your destiny rest in the hands of whatever force rules your life. You have so much love to give, spiritual as well as physical. You’re able to give as long as it affords pleasure. You give with gentleness and an almost childlike innocence. Giving love where it is needed.
Do not be alarmed by this talk with you. We’ll talk again and you will come to understand all of it. Now, I must leave you, it’s been a pleasure as always.” The Pyramid Lady left and I woke up.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 191
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
I have the curious sense that I am marching time that I am waiting for something to happen before my life can pick up its purpose and direction. I’m the part of Gloria that is always the observer, and no matter what, I observe. I watch and I care whether she is happy or unhappy, if she is sick or well, if she wants to live or die. That’s part of my job, the other part is to sit there on her shoulder and pass judgement on whether she is a worthwhile human being. More important it’s as if she is being reborn and I’m her midwife, her granny woman and it’s so beautiful.
Gloria had a vivid dream about her father tonight. He was swimming in the ocean off the beach and three horses suddenly thundered across the sand and when she looked up again for her father she could not see him. She woke up with her heart beating fiercely. She fell asleep again and dreamed of a bird and music and a gray horse and her father was there again. But she turned her back for a minute and looked back – he was gone – had she imagined it?
Imagination is a wonderful thing. Even as a little girl Gloria used her imagination in school, it, helped her get the highest grades in classes – sometimes it gave her bad dreams too. Imagination helps when you’re lonely as a child. I remember when I couldn’t let Gloria play with her scho
olmates. We lay beneath a tree in a beam of sunlight and listened to classmates playing on the grass. Some were playing ball, others were in running games. Their noises drifted our way, dreamlike, gossamer, an illusion the air was soft and warm – for above us in the blue sky, so small it seemed an airplane flew slowly by, its engines droning lazily and we could feel the vibrations on my skin and in my ears. A voice called for me and Gloria to join in a game of tug-of-war but we closed our eyes and lay very still in the beam of sunlight and pretended that everything was okay with our life. So much for imagination – but that was our life.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 192
Wednesday night
Hi again,
Gloria had a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Images of the day and the past crowded our eyes so we lay awake and listened to the apartment settle into the deep silence of the night: What a difference between the noisy nights of the past!
Then when Gloria slept we saw the Pyramid Lady right away. She told us about Prince Edward Island and about an Indian maiden so lovely the angels descended to earth to gaze upon her beauty and she told us about an abandoned house that was haunted. She asked about you and Gloria told her you never mentioned anything about your home life unless she asked and then you told her everything was fine. Gloria told her that she hoped it was good, that his wife comforted him, cared for him,, and fed him emotionally – he gave so much his neck must be great. The Pyramid Lady said, she knew what she meant and you had a lot of blessing coming your way for you and your family. We were happy to hear that.
Then Gloria dreamed about her father again. She saw her father with another man riding on two horses, riding toward the sea and the darkening horizon and the Pyramid Lady was walking by the sea. She smiled a sweet and gentle smile. I went someplace black as night for a while. Then several small dots of light like stars, poked through until there were so many that everything was filled with light. I was inside it, peaceful and happy.