The Sounds of Secrets

by Whitney Barbetti

  “Hi,” I said, giving him a small smile. I felt much closer to him than I had even hours before, and it wasn’t just the sex, but it was in the after. It was how he took care of me. We were both naked, somehow cuddled on the bench, but it felt safe. It felt natural.

  “Hey,” he said, his voice all rough and deep. “Sorry if I hurt you.”

  “You didn’t.” He hadn’t. He’d woken me up.

  “Your makeup’s all messed up,” he said with a soft smile. He swiped his thumb under my eye and then his eyes narrowed. “Oh, that’s interesting.”

  “What?”

  His thumb came closer to my eye and I closed them on instinct. I felt his fingers brush my eyelid. “Your lashes…”

  Instantly, white hot panic slid into my veins. It clogged up all the ooey gooey warmth I’d been feeling as I pulled back, away from his hand. My fake eyelashes. Of course they would’ve come off underneath that spray. I held a hand over my eye, felt the end of the lashes literally hanging there and silently cursed myself for forgetting.

  “So what, you wear fake eyelashes. Lots of girls do.” He ran a hand up my back in what I figured he’d assume was a soothing motion, but all it did was make me more paranoid. I couldn’t explain to him that these were my only lashes. And I especially couldn’t explain why to him. He wouldn’t understand. Hair, for him, was pride. For me, it was shame.

  I climbed off his lap and turned my head, trying in vain to secure the lashes back to my eyelid. It was no use; they’d need an entirely new coat of glue at this point. I had no choice but to face him. But that didn’t mean I wanted to explain it to him.

  I turned to him and put on a smile I didn’t mean. “I’m getting cold,” I told him. “And hungry.” I leaned on his shoulder, my eye out of his view, and rubbed a hand over his chest. “Ready to join the rest of the group?”

  He nodded. “I think we’re alone in here now.” I turned my ear toward the other showers, but couldn’t hear anything.

  “You’re probably right. I’ll go wait by the door and then you can leave. I’ll just get dressed and fix my makeup. Okay?”

  He grabbed my boot and bikini, holding all three black pieces out to me. “If you can manage the bikini, I can put this on your leg. We’ll dry it off by the fire.”

  I slipped the bottoms under me and secured the side strings. By the time I got the top over my neck, Sam had secured the boot. I stood and turned, holding out the strings in invitation.

  He tied the strings behind my back and then he leaned down and pressed a kiss to my shoulders.

  This experience was a hundred times better than the way we’d parted after our night in London, and that realization caused me to turn around and wrap my arms around his neck. His arms came around me too and his lips met mine softly. This was tender, and so bloody perfect that I didn’t want to step out of his arms. I wanted to stay there with him, before we joined the group again and lost the little bit of magic we’d made together.

  But I had to fix my lashes and my makeup, so I finally separated from him and waited by the bathroom door until it was safe for him to make his departure. He dropped a quick kiss to my lips outside the door and then left, leaving me facing the mirror.

  The damage done to my lashes was so much worse than I thought. While one lash set had stayed secured to my eye, the other was literally falling off. And against my pale skin, without my lashes, my eye looked almost swollen. I dug into my makeup bag and lined the lash with glue and shook it out with one hand while I used the other to clean up the eyeliner that had smeared under my eyes.

  I had to stop this. I had to stop soothing myself by hurting myself—because it wasn’t like I could keep pretending there were no consequences. There were; my confidence in my looks was being affected by my pulling. I pulled my hair back from my ears, seeing the bald spots behind the first chunk of hair, and immediately dropped it. What was I doing to myself?

  Back when it’d been a hair here or there, it’d been easier to hide. But now, it was virtually impossible. I was becoming a physical representation of my anxiety.

  I rubbed my hand across my mouth, staring at myself. Before I could get help, I had to come clean. To my family. To Sam.

  My eyelids squeezed tight just thinking of that. He was a beautiful man, with hair that many women would envy. He wouldn’t be able to understand.

  Ugh. I didn’t want to bare myself to him. We’d be under some kind of honeymoon feeling the last few hours. Baring my biggest secret to him would unravel all of that. He’d never be able to look at me the same.

  I shoved it to the back of my thoughts for the moment, deciding to rejoin the others before Joss or Sam came looking for me.

  My hair was a mess from having put it under water but not actually washing it. I didn’t want to leave Sam alone with the group for too long without me, though, so I just threw it up atop my head in a tight little bun. I reapplied the lashes and swiped some concealer under my eyes, but knowing how late it was already, I didn’t bother with anything else. I threw on some bicycle shorts and a loose-necked tee before leaving the showers with my bag over my shoulder.

  As I approached the group again, Sam was in the thick of it. He was engaged in conversation with Garrett, both men holding beers in their hand as they discussed something with an animated intensity.

  Joss spotted me and came hopping over, handing me one of the wine coolers she favored. “You look like you got some sun today,” she said, running a finger over my cheekbone.

  “Oh, yeah. We hiked quite a bit in the sun. Full exposure.” I hadn’t even realized I’d gotten any sun until she pointed it out. “Thanks.” I held up the wine cooler and took a big gulp.

  “Sam and Garrett have hit it off.” She steered me toward the barbecue grill, which was still roaring. “Sucks that we can’t have an open fire pit here, but this gives off enough warmth.”

  “They look like they’re getting along.”

  “Sam seems like a nice guy,” she said and we glanced back at them. “Really friendly. He seemed almost annoyed at first, but as soon as Garrett handed him a beer, he plopped down and asked him questions like they were best buds their whole lives.”

  “That’s Sam.” I snuck another look at him and tipped the wine cooler back. “He’s a friendly guy. Can be friends with just about anyone.”

  “I can tell.” She sat at the picnic table on the other side of the open tent. “And he’s definitely more than friends with you.” She nudged her shoulder to mine. “Is he who you were talking about, that day at the dock?”

  I nodded and took another deep sip. “I don’t know. Things are different here. He’s more relaxed.” Which made me worry that once we went home, things would go back to how they were before. Or, even sooner than then, if I told Sam my secret while we were still in the states.

  “You hungry?” she asked, pushing a plate of hot dogs toward me.

  I picked one up and didn’t even bother with a bun as I began eating it. I tried to push worries of what might happen from my mind, focusing instead on what was. I was here with Sam. He had some kind of feelings for me, and even though those feelings were surely not as deep as mine for him, it was better than nothing.

  As if he could hear my thoughts, he turned around and smiled at me. One of those slow smiles, the kind that got me right in the gut. Could he see it on my face when I looked at him? The feelings I tried to suppress from his view?

  I smiled back at him and Joss nudged me again. “Look at you two. Like a couple of honeymooners.”

  I rolled my eyes and shrugged. “He’s great. Really great.” I was thankful for the shadow over us, so that my blush wouldn’t be readily seen. But I felt it burn nonetheless.

  As we climbed into our tent that night, I hated the idea of being up on the air mattress. Alone, especially.

  “It’s better for your leg, Lots,” Sam said as he helped me undo the straps on my boot. “The ground is hard and uncomfortable.”

  “Then why didn’t you get an air m
attress?”

  “For one night of camping? Come on, you know that’s ridiculous.”

  “I think me sleeping on an air mattress while you’re down on the ground is ridiculous.” I sounded like a petulant child and I cringed at my tone.

  “Don’t be a baby,” he said softly, calling me out on it. “Just lay down. If it’s a cuddle you’re after, we can do that tomorrow night, in a hotel.”

  As much as that warmed my heart, I felt a small ache in the same place he’d hit me when he’d called our first night a mistake. I’d told him before we didn’t have to talk about it, and while I’d meant it when I’d said it, now I felt very much like addressing it. I had the worst timing ever.

  Sam seemed to sense the shift in my mood as he helped me into my sleeping bag.

  “What is it?”

  I debated not telling him, not wanting to sound like a baby. But I couldn’t let it go. I had to tell him. “Remember, what you said. In London, before I left?”

  He paused his movements, his hand still on my injured leg as he’d tried to move it into the sleeping bag. “Yes.”

  “Do you…” Oh, hell. Did I really want to ask this? After several long beats, I decided I did. “Do you feel like that again? I mean, are you going to wake up tomorrow and tell me that this, what we did, was a mistake?”

  Before answering, he cupped my face in his hands. “No. Lotte, the only mistake was how I handled it that morning. I shouldn’t have said that, because I didn’t mean it. Not really.” He adjusted, so that he was sitting beside me on the air mattress. “You … you’re perfect. Every single inch of you. It’s me who doesn’t measure up.” He rubbed his thumb across my lips. “I don’t deserve you, or this. I’m selfish, and I’ve taken from you again. I hope you can forgive me for that.” His hands moved to the back of my neck, holding me still. “There’s nowhere else in this world I’d rather be than here, with you, right now.”

  “Okay,” I said, because that’s all I could manage around the heaviness in my chest. He thought I was perfect. I was a bigger liar than I thought.

  “I don’t want you to ever think that you’ve done anything wrong. You’re a light that I’m afraid I’ll smother. I don’t know where we go from here, from tomorrow, but.” He brushed his knuckles gently across my face. “I know that nothing about you is a mistake. All right?”

  I nodded, feeling a sting behind my eyes. Because he didn’t know me, he didn’t know that he was lying about me—thinking I wasn’t a mistake in any way. I didn’t know how badly I wanted to hear what he was saying. A hungry heart could devour a lie, and mine was starving.

  “It will be okay,” I told him. But it was a lie, and he knew it. Because I couldn’t promise tomorrow any more than he could. Today was all we had, and today would be enough.

  He zipped up my sleeping bag and fluffed up my pillow, and then leaned down to give me a kiss. “I’ll be right beside you, so if you need anything just let me know and I’ll be here.”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice. I felt so full and empty at the same time, such conflicting feelings. I turned my face toward the tent lining and stared out at the darkness and my nails scratched gently across my arms.

  Just as I was on the edge of sleep, the mattress dipped and Sam scooped me up in his arms, sleeping bag and all. He set me down just a couple inches across the mattress and scooted in behind me, his arm coming around me in the small space.

  “I decided I didn’t want to wait to cuddle you until tomorrow,” he said into my hair and nuzzled his body against mine. Within minutes, I felt his steady breath on my neck and his body lax against mine.

  It was overwhelming, all the things I felt for him. He was pushing me, and I was pushing him back. To be a little reckless, to live a little more.

  His arm was still wrapped around me, so I pressed my mouth to his warm skin and whispered the three words I was too afraid to say aloud; the words that were my second biggest secret.

  I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Coffee?” Garrett asked as I left the tent. He handed me a metal mug and I took the seat closest to the grill that he’d already had charcoal lit inside of.

  “Thanks.” I took a sip, and then another. “It’s good.”

  He tapped the lid to the blue pitcher beside him. “Best percolator I’ve ever had. Makes a damn good cup of Joe.” He sniffed and rubbed a fist over his eye. “Lotte still asleep?”

  I nodded, and was grateful for the warmth of the coffee on such a cool morning. I was glad I’d grabbed a sweater before leaving the tent, because despite the heat of the day before, the mornings here were much cooler.

  “I’m going to make some eggs and bacon when everyone else starts getting up. A little early yet, but I’ve got rolls from last night if you need something with the coffee.”

  “No, this is perfect right now.” I drained the last bits of the coffee and Garrett poured more without me even asking before he sighed and settled more comfortably in his seat.

  “Wasn’t too windy last night,” he said. “The first night we were here, I had to leave the tent in the middle of the night to check the stakes.”

  A zipper unzipped behind me and I turned, seeing Teddy exit the tent. He was wearing long pajamas and a beanie on his head. “Good morning,” he said cheerfully, and slipped his feet into his boots before approaching.

  “Nice pajamas,” Garrett teased him and began pouring another cup of coffee.

  “It’s too early to get dressed.” Teddy sat beside me and thanked Garrett for the coffee.

  “It’s only six,” I said, looking at my watch. I was surprised I was up as early as I was, but I hadn’t slept well overnight, having made multiple trips to the restroom when the nausea had been too strong.

  “You and Lotte have plans for today?” Teddy asked, grabbing the rolls Garrett had set on the table and splitting it open before placing it on the grill grates.

  “We’re going on a hot air balloon ride tomorrow, so we’re going to head up to Salt Lake at some point today. We have to be there at sunrise, so it’s best if we’re already in the area.”

  “Joss would love that,” Garrett said. He refilled the percolator and set it back on the grates. “She’s a sucker for that romantic shit.”

  “I’m afraid of heights,” I admitted, thinking of my behavior at the park the day before. “So, I’m not too keen on doing this, but considering I’m the one who bought it for Lotte, I should join her.”

  Teddy poured half of a water bottle onto a towel and rubbed his face with it. “Too bad you’ll be leaving us today. We’re headed to the Grand Canyon.”

  “Next time,” I said, even though we three knew that there would not likely be a next time. I liked the blokes, but with our flight in two days, I found myself looking for every opportunity to be alone with Lotte. I didn’t know what would happen upon our return home, how this would change the dynamic we had, but I knew that I wanted to spend every minute before then soaking it up.

  Teddy dropped the towel on the end of the picnic table and grabbed his roll off of the hot grates, bouncing it back and forth between his hands as it cooled off. “Lotte’s a good girl,” he said, and I saw Garrett turn his head to look at Teddy. Was it in warning? Or, like me, curiosity for his reason for having said it?

  “She is.” The best, I knew. I wondered if they saw me for what I was, though my symptoms had been somewhat under control with ibuprofen and regular pills.

  “She wasn’t so happy until you arrived. She tried to be, she put on a good face, but she just couldn’t get the hang of things.” Teddy looked at me and then away, almost as if he was too intimidated to be completely honest.

  “I gathered as much from what she’s said. She had to do this trip, to see if it was what she wanted.”

  “Hard to know what you want if you don’t try a few things out,” Garrett added. He moved the percolator on the coals. “Brave of her to try.”

  I glanced back at the still
tent where she slept and nodded. “She’s a very brave girl,” I said almost to myself.

  “So, are you guys together?” Teddy asked.

  I looked at him with my eyebrow slightly raised.

  “I just mean that she always seemed so reserved, withholding herself. And then you show up and she just … glows. I think that’s the word I’m wanting.” Teddy laughed and smeared butter across his roll. “I’m not going after your girl, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Your girl. I tried it out in my head. Thinking of Lotte as mine was something I didn’t allow myself to indulge in, but, just maybe, we could make this work.

  Doing so would require me telling her my secret, however, and I didn’t think I was game for that. At least not now, not before I could successfully kick the habit.

  It was hard to admit, even now, that it was a full-blown problem. The nausea was ever present, and the headaches—especially at night—could be brutal. But I was managing those, as best as I could.

  “We’re together,” I finally said, wrapping my hands around the mug. Why did merely saying the words make me feel like I’d declared for the world beyond this campsite that Lotte and I weren’t just friends, tied together by my best mate; her brother-in-law?

  Her and I hadn’t even clarified what it was that we were doing. We just fell together, naturally. We had things to tell one another. I could see it, whenever she’d look at me long enough in the eyes.

  I needed to tell her that I remembered the kiss, that I had called her by my girlfriend’s name to get Lotte to move on from me. It’d still been an arsehole thing, but I hoped that pushing her away had helped her in some way. As pathetic as it sounded, calling her Della had been the easiest way to push her aside at the time.

  And, if it had been effective in that way, it’d been exactly the opposite for me. Ever since that first kiss, I’d forced myself to tease her, to say things just to make her blush. I’d done my best to keep from staring at her for too long, from touching her. Until her going-away. It’d been a wakeup call for me, a reminder that Lotte wasn’t always going to wait for me to get my head out of my arse.