Finding Goodbye

by Brittany Elise

  “Oh, I love this song,” Beck proclaimed. I recognized the familiar tune, “Supermassive Black Hole,” by Muse.

  “Great band,” Cameron agreed, draping his arm around Beck’s shoulders. She looked up at him then, leaning further into the crook of his neck. Cameron bent to press his lips into the corner of her jaw, and then her lips found his in the dark.

  I cleared my throat, wishing I could melt into the upholstery of the couch I was sitting on and disappear forever.

  Eric leaned down, his mouth inches from mine. The overpowering stench of his cologne was making me nauseous, and I was pretty sure I sensed a migraine coming on. I wasn’t sure how our signals had gotten crossed–maybe he thought that since his buddy was getting some action, that he should too? Like it was all a part of some (unknown to me) bro code. Still, I felt bad for admitting that Eric wasn’t even a blip on my radar.

  “You know,” I said, resting my hand on his chest to keep his wandering lips at bay. “I think I need some water, I’m feeling a little dizzy.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Oh yeah, fine,” I said. “I’ll be back in a minute.” I pushed to my feet as quickly as I could manage and headed for the side door to the kitchen. Once inside, I closed the door and leaned back against it, steadying my breathing. I searched the coolers for a bottle of water, sifting through the ice, and only coming up with beer.

  “Looking for something?”

  I turned, finding a pretty blonde standing behind me with a beer bottle in hand.

  “Water, actually,” I said.

  “You won’t find any in there,” she said, moving toward the fridge. She pulled on the handle and fumbled around before pulling a water bottle from the side compartment. “Here,” she said, handing it to me. “My boyfriend is in the Fraternity.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Sure.” She leaned against the counter, her eyes scanned me curiously. “Do I know you? I’m sorry, you just look really familiar.”

  “No, I don’t think so,” I said apologetically.

  “You don’t go to HU?”

  “Uh, no, not anymore,” I said.

  The blonde nodded. “I’m Amanda. I’m a freshman this year.”

  “Do you like it?” I asked, taking a much needed sip of water.

  “It’s not so bad,” she said, “the boys are pretty cute.”

  I grinned. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Well, have a good night…?”

  “Darcy,” I said, realizing that I hadn’t introduced myself.

  “Right. Darcy,” she said, and something like recognition played over her features. “I’ll see you around, Darcy.”

  I watched as she disappeared from the doorway. I took another drink, and spread my fingers through the blinds in the kitchen window, peering outside. Beck and Cameron were still in an intense lip-lock on the couch, and Eric was off talking to the group of girls by the railing. The girl standing closest to him was all but covering her nose to keep from suffocating in the intensive cologne aroma.

  I sighed, wondering why I had agreed to come to this thing in the first place. I glanced up at the clock above the sink, noting that it was only eleven fifteen. I decided to explore the rest of the house in hopes of stumbling upon the bathroom to kill some time. I walked through the hallway, glancing through doorways until I thought I had reached the bathroom. I pushed on the wooden door, only to find a couple in a very compromising position at the foot of the bed. Their clothes made a path from the door to where they were currently occupied.

  “Get out!” a girl shrieked.

  “Sorry,” I stammered, closing the door quickly behind me. I rolled my eyes and turned to see that the bathroom was actually right across the hall from where I was standing. I pushed through the door, and found a row of three stalls, completely empty. I assumed the bathroom had been remodeled to fit the fraternity lifestyle. I chose the stall on the end, and locked the door behind me.

  Seconds later, I heard a group of girls giggling as they came into the bathroom, their heels clanging on the tile.

  “I am like, so drunk, Kate,” one of the girls said.

  “You should have eaten something before we got here,” another warned. “You’re going to end up vomiting all over your Manolos.”

  “That comment is unforgivable,” the drunken girl gasped, practically in hysterics over the threat to her expensive shoes.

  “The two of you need to stop, and pull it together,” a third said, and I recognized the voice. I was certain in belonged to the girl who had handed me water in the kitchen.

  “Sarah is the one who can’t control her liquor,” the one named Kate said.

  I was just about to exit the stall when I heard Amanda say something that stopped me in my tracks; my hand was frozen on the latch.

  “Do you remember Gabriel Bell?” she asked.

  “Wasn’t he going to HU?” Kate asked, and someone turned on the water faucet.

  “Didn’t he like, die in a tragic accident or something?” Sarah contributed.

  “His twin sister is here tonight,” Amanda said. “It took me a minute to figure it out, but I swear if you put a long red wig on Gabriel, the two are practically the same.”

  “Duh, hence the twin thing,” Kate said.

  “Such a shame though, he was so hot,” Sarah said.

  “I heard that his sister is like deformed now,” Kate said, whispering the word. Not that it mattered. I was the one person not meant to hear this conversation, yet here I sat, hidden in the stall.

  “She didn’t look deformed,” Amanda said. I listened as the faucet shut off, and someone tore a paper towel from the dispenser.

  “Can you imagine though?”

  The sound of their voices faded as they headed for the door, heels echoing behind them. I waited until the door had closed before I pushed out of the stall, and leaned over the sink. I turned the knob to cold, and let the water run over my hands while I tried to gather my dignity in the mirror.

  The eyes staring back at me were wide, and bright, and they belonged to my brother. I closed them, and shut off the water. I dried my hands, and pressed the back of my hand to my forehead in hopes of cooling myself down. It wasn’t like I didn’t think this day would come–the day where I overheard someone talking about me or my deceased brother and what had happened… But even with the knowledge, it was impossible to prepare yourself for how you might feel the moment it does.

  I felt like I was shrinking in on myself, getting smaller and smaller. To the strangers in this tiny town, I would always be the girl whose brother died. It was my label. It might as well have been tattooed across my forehead.

  I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and pulled out my phone. I sifted through the contacts and dialed once I found his name. Since his phone had been turned off for months, it didn’t take long before I heard his voice on the answering service.

  “Hey, it’s Gabriel. Sorry I missed your call, leave a message and I’ll get back with you when I can. Oh, and remember, people, adopt pets before you shop for pets.”

  I hadn’t played his message in months, but after that little scene I felt like I needed to hear his voice again. I needed to remind myself of the strength in his tone, and how he had always sounded so confident. I didn’t want to remember him by the opinions of strangers, but by the memories that I kept for myself.

  The bathroom door opened, and a short girl with beach-wave hair stumbled in looking as though she were seeing two of me. “Are you all right?” she bent to look at me a little closer, eyes straining and body swaying.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said, reaching up to wipe a t
ear from my cheek. “I just had a little too much to drink.” The lie came easy.

  The girl laughed, and the laugh turned into a snort. She laughed even harder and reached up to cover her mouth. “I had too much to drink, too.”

  “Well, good luck with that,” I said, pulling myself to my feet.

  “You too,” she said, and then burst into another fit of hysterical laughter. I left the bathroom, and started down the hall.

  I didn’t want to ruin the rest of Beck’s evening, but I really wanted to go home. I was about to head for the kitchen to look for her, when I saw Liam standing at the end of the hall near the front door. I felt my eyes narrow, confusion coloring my expression. He saw me, and started walking over to close the distance between us. His left hand gripped my shoulder while his right hand brushed the hair out of my face, and smoothed it behind my ear.

  “What are you doing here?” I managed to say. My voice seemed to leave in a flat breath of air. I felt the panic and the dread leave my body at his touch, and I pressed my palm against the back of his hand instinctively. And then I let go.

  “Beck called me, actually,” he said.

  “What?” I was so confused.

  “She said you guys were at a Frat party and she couldn’t find you. She was worried and sounded drunk. Which made me worry, so…”

  “So you came here.”

  “I was in the neighborhood.” He shrugged.

  “She didn’t call me,” I said, realizing that would have made more sense.

  “She’s probably not thinking clearly,” he said.

  “We should go find her.”

  Liam nodded, and put his arm around my shoulders to help guide me through the halls and endless rooms. I realized that Beck calling him had more than likely been a set up, but I didn’t care. There was honestly no one else I’d rather have come to my rescue, even if I’d never admit aloud that I needed rescued.

  “There you are!” Beck shouted as we pushed through the side door. She was sitting on the railing of the patio, and jumped down to give me a hug once she saw me, acting as though I’d been gone for ages. “I was looking all over for you, I got so worried when you didn’t come back,” she cooed.

  “I was in the bathroom,” I told her.

  “Walk with me,” she whispered, and led me a few steps away from Liam and into the lawn. “Don’t be mad at me for calling Liam,” she said, eyes pleading.

  “I’m not mad, I just don’t understand why you did it.”

  “Because you like him and because he wasn’t here. And because Cameron and I were talking about you, and I just started talking to him about Liam and you, and then we decided that he should be here for you since you obviously weren’t interested in that Eric guy–which, I totally don’t blame you.” She was babbling now. “Because that guy totally smelled like he drowned himself in a river of cologne. I mean the smell coming off of him was–”

  “–Beck, get to the point,” I interrupted her rambling.

  “The point is,” she said, leaning in so that her eyes were like wide saucers in front of my own, “you like him, and he obviously likes you. I just want you to find your happiness, and he’s the answer.”

  “Beck, you’re positively drunk and not making any sense at all. I think it’s time to get you home,” I suggested.

  “But, I don’t want to go home. I’m having so much fun, and Cameron is the perfect rebound. Besides, I’m the one with the car.” She held up the keys, dangling them in front of my face. I snatched them before she could blink, and turned to head back to the patio.

  “Say goodnight to Cameron,” I told her. She was stumbling onto the patio, wrapping her arms around him (I hoped) to say goodbye.

  “Is everything okay?” Liam asked me.

  “Yeah, it will be, I’m just really tired.” I paused, glancing over my shoulder. “I’m really sorry that she called you out here for nothing. I know it’s late. She’s just not thinking clearly.”

  “It wasn’t for nothing,” he said in that velvety low voice of his. I wanted to listen to his voice forever.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  He smiled, and reached out to brush my hair with his hand again. We were only a few inches apart, but some unknown force seemed to hold both of our feet in place. I wanted him to reach out and embrace me, I wanted to melt into his arms and seek comfort there, but something kept us from moving. Maybe it was the environment–the lack of intimacy in the crowded location with its too many bodies, and bass thumping from the speaker systems.

  “Okay, I’m ready,” Beck said, appearing at my side. She looped her arm through mine and leaned her head against my shoulder.

  “I should get her back,” I said.

  “I’ll walk you to the car,” Liam offered, and the three of us started across the lawn. Beck was singing the Muse song from before as we helped her into the passenger’s seat of her Honda. I closed the door, leaving her to her own personal jam session.

  “Thanks,” I said, “and I am sorry about tonight. She gets a little crazy when she drinks.” I felt like I needed to rationalize her behavior since she was obviously in no condition to clarify her actions.

  “Don’t apologize,” he said. “I’m sure she thought she was doing the right thing.”

  “Yeah,” I breathed out, letting my shoulders fall.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He took a step forward, pausing as if he thought better of it, and tucked his hands in the front pockets of his jacket instead.

  “See you tomorrow.” I smiled.

  Liam turned away, and headed across the street a few spaces down, and climbed behind the wheel of his truck. I sighed as I watched him go, and sunk into the driver’s seat of Beck’s car. I jammed the key in the ignition with a little too much gusto, and turned on the headlights that spilled out over the road in front of us, bathing it in bright light.

  “He’s really great,” Beck said, managing to buckle her own seat belt with minor difficulty. The metal part only missed the narrow slat a few times before finally clicking into place.

  “Who, Cameron?” I asked.

  “No. Well yes, but I was talking about Liam. I think he’d probably do anything for you, you know? Maybe you should try asking him for the moon.” She laughed, and we pulled out onto the road.

  And I realized that the moon was exactly what I wanted… but to obtain the moon would mean I’d have to risk everything.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “My head feels like a million tiny beings are sitting in my brain with a bunch of jackhammers just hammering away at my skull,” Beck said. She was sitting up in bed with half her hair plastered to the side of her face, and her eye makeup smeared across her cheeks.

  I had woken early on instinct. My body was now running on routine farm time. I had showered and changed back into my regular clothes and went downstairs to make coffee, and returned with a couple of pain killers to give to Beck.

  “Thank you,” she said, taking the medicine from my hand. “Is Layla up yet?”

  “No, I don’t think so. It’s only seven.”

  Beck groaned and fell back into her pillows. “I don’t usually drink like this.”

  “No judgment here,” I said. “Just don’t make it a habit.”

  “That sounds like judgment.”

  I chuckled. “I’ve just been on the wrong side of the drinking tracks; I don’t want things to get ugly for you.”

  Beck nodded thoughtfully. “Hey, I’m sorry about last night. I wasn’t really thinking when I called Liam.”

  “Yeah, how did you get his number, anyway?” I asked.

  “H
e called about the money he was able to get for the oven. I saved his number.” She shrugged. “I know it was stupid. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose into your business like that. It just seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

  “Alcohol does that.” I grinned. “No hard feelings, but, I have to get going.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you later,” she said.

  “Rest up,” I told her, and headed for the stairs. I quietly left through the side door, and walked around to get my car from the back parking lot.

  I sat in silence on the drive home, just watching the countryside unfold around me. Sleep had been next to impossible as I lay there just repeating the events of the night over and over in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about those girls, and what they had said in the bathroom. It seemed like every time I was making progress with life in general, someone or something would throw a wrench on the track, and completely derail my emotions. Maybe that was just life. Maybe it was all about feeling like the world was constantly moving in one direction of perpetual motion, and you were busy jumping hurdles to try and catch up–only, you never could.

  In the midst of all the chaos, there seemed to be one thing that made me feel like my feet were on solid ground. No matter how crazy the world was around me, he could look at me and make me feel like I wasn’t falling backwards anymore. I wasn’t sure how it happened, or when, but Liam had become my anchor in the wild sea of pandemonium. Without him, I was whim in the wind, and my soul was tired of the aching restlessness.

  ***

  “You look tired,” Grandma said as I came into the kitchen. She was drying dishes, and stacking the clean plates up in the cupboard as I sat down. As usual, Luna popped her head out from the chair beside me, so I scooped her up to sit on my lap.

  “Long night,” I replied.

  “Did you at least have fun at the party?” she asked.

  “Beck had fun,” I answered.

  “You didn’t?”