Finding Goodbye

by Brittany Elise

  “One thing led to another, and the next thing I know is that he’s asking to stay the night. He didn’t have a car, but his buddy would be back in the morning to pick him up. I thought, what harm could come from one night?”

  My hands had started to shake, so I pulled them into fists, feeling my nails biting into the soft flesh of my palms.

  “I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard something break in the kitchen. From the hall, I could smell vomit and alcohol, the sharp scents combining into something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get out of my head. I found old prescription bottles of pain medication in my mother’s name, opened, and laying out on the counter. Thomas was slumped over on the kitchen floor, leaning up against the table with a broken bottle of whiskey at his feet.

  “I was so… angry. The only thing that was flashing through my mind was a picture of my mom lying in the hospice bed during her last days. She was so frail, and so sick, and that bastard had taken some of her medicine and stashed it away.” There was a hard set to Liam’s jaw, his eyes focused on some far off place. Though he was sitting right beside me, I knew at that moment he was a million miles away. “I wanted him gone,” he said a moment later. “If I had to look at him for a second longer, I knew I was going to kill him. The keys to my mom’s truck were hanging on the wall beside me. I picked them up, and I threw them at him… and I told him to leave.”

  I felt my lips parting, my features contorting from the terrible realization. I swallowed hard, feeling everything inside of me begin to shift and shake.

  “How… How could you keep this from me?” My voice left in a whisper.

  “I tried to tell you,” he said, his voice dripping with anguish. I was shaking my head, looking away–looking anywhere but his face. “I went to see you at the hospital, but they wouldn’t let me. Darcy, I didn’t know what to do. I felt so responsible.”

  “My grandparents know about this–about what you did.” It wasn’t a question so much as it was me becoming aware of the schemes that were played behind my back by the people I love. They had intentionally kept me in the dark, and the sting from their betrayal hurt worse than the reality of the truth. All of those whispers I heard were making sense now. “Evelyn, are you sure this is a good idea?” “He’s a good man. Just… thought you should know that.” “Does she know?”

  “I saw their flyer in town,” he said. “I recognized the name from the police reports. When I went to talk to them–to tell them what happened–”

  I cut him off. “This whole time… you’ve been working for them, but why? Was it because you plotted in secret with my family so you could, what? Apologize for ruining my life?” The anger was boiling my blood, spilling hot, angry tears from my eyes. “You couldn’t just tell me straight, could you? You had to get to know me first, make me fall in love with you, and then say the worst thing imaginable.”

  “It’s not like that Darcy, I didn’t intend for this to happen.”

  “Intend for what?” I spat.

  “I didn’t intend on falling for you either, but, I did. And I’m not sorry.” His eyes were clear–penetrating mine. “At least, not for that anyway.”

  I looked away, biting the inside of my cheek to keep my jaw from quivering.

  “I owed it to you, to tell you what happened,” he said.

  “What did you think I would say?” I asked. “Did you think I would just be okay, and grateful for the truth? What do you want from me? To forgive you, to tell you that it’s okay you hid something so important from me? Well it’s not okay. I’m not okay.” My stomach swirled with waves of nausea as I played the scene over in my head. I imagined a set of keys being tossed at Thomas, and a flash of headlights burned across my vision like a tattoo reminder of the permanent memory. I squeezed my eyes shut, beckoning the vision to evaporate.

  Liam said nothing, but I could feel him looking at me in the dark. His eyes were burning holes into my skin and I felt naked under his scrutiny.

  “I’m so sorry, Darcy.”

  “Just… take me home, okay?”

  A minute passed before I heard the passenger’s side door open, and then close. Liam walked around the front of the truck, his figure blotted out the headlights as he passed through. Then he was reaching for the driver’s side door as I slid across to the passenger’s seat, and buckled myself in.

  The cab lights were too bright as he slid in, pausing briefly as he bent to pick up Gabriel’s ring on the floorboard. He handed it to me–wordlessly–and closed the door behind him.

  I gripped Gabriel’s ring tightly in my hands, feeling the class insignia pressing into the soft part of my palm as if formed a mark.

  ***

  The short drive back to the farm felt like it lasted an eternity. I sat in silence, seething on the inside. I hadn’t thought anything could hurt as badly as losing my twin, but this betrayal was a close second.

  The clock on the dash told me that it was a quarter past midnight, but the light in the kitchen was still on as we pulled into the drive. I climbed out of the truck, slamming the door behind me as I marched across the gravel, ignoring the pain resonating in my leg as my footsteps echoed on the wooden planks of the porch.

  Grandma and Mom were sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee when I walked inside. Their eyes found mine, and their features registered the hurtful deception that I was sure I showed.

  “Darcy?” Grandma was the first to speak.

  “Liam needs a ride, we left his truck on the side of the road,” I said. The screen door whined behind me, and I knew he was there. I could feel him now, always aware of his presence and the proximity of his body even when I didn’t want to be. It was like the electrodes in my body reacted to his, responding to his every move.

  “I can drive you,” Mom said, pushing out from the table.

  “I appreciate it.” Liam thanked her.

  I continued moving through the kitchen, heading for the stairs. I was afraid of what I’d do if I lingered in one place for too long.

  Upstairs, I turned on the light in the bedroom, spotting the cork sculpture that Liam had given me, sitting on the nightstand. I felt another wave of fury pulsing through my veins, and felt the hot tears prickling in the corners of my eyes. Without thinking, I flung myself across the room, reaching for the sculpture around the same time that Grandma had entered the room and began wrestling the sculpture from my grip.

  “Don’t,” she said, “you’ll regret it if you do.”

  I let go, spinning to face her. “How could you keep this from me?”

  Grandma’s mouth was a hard, thin line, set stubbornly on her face. Her blue eyes were wide and glowering. “It wasn’t our place,” she said pointedly.

  “You lied to me!”

  “He wanted to tell you himself,” she argued. “No one lied about anything.”

  “Everyone knew but me,” I said, “do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”

  “I certainly don’t have to guess by the way you’re acting,” she said. “You’re hurt, you feel betrayed, and your pride is wounded.” Grandma threw up her hands exasperatedly. “Well that’s just fine, but you need to take a step back and imagine what that young man has put himself through just to get to this point,” she said vehemently. “Can you imagine how he must feel right now?”

  I fell back on the bad, defeated. I raked my fingers through my hair, then wiped at the tear stains on my cheeks.

  “I think you’re looking at this from the wrong angle,” she said, sitting down on the bed beside me. “You should know by now that things in life don’t always happen the way that we think they should, but Liam’s intentions for coming here were entirely honorable and purely out of res
pect for the terrible situation that happened.”

  I raked my teeth across my bottom lip, catching the broken dry skin at the corner of my mouth.

  “You need to give him a break, and walk a mile in his shoes before you can judge him for what he’s done.”

  “He handed the man responsible for my brother’s death a set of keys, Grandma,” I said, shaking my head. “How can I love someone who kept something like that from me for so long?”

  “He had his reasons,” she said.

  I thought back to the conversation we had had last weekend in the barn when I opened up to him about my mother. “Usually when people hide something from someone they care about, it’s because they want to protect them,” he’d said. I thought he’d been talking about something he had experienced in his own life. Little did I know he was talking about me.

  “They don’t have to make sense to you,” she continued. “But Liam’s heart has always been in the right place.” Grandma stood up from the bed, catching my chin in her palm. “He loves you,” she said.

  I closed my eyes, squeezing out the last tear I could possibly muster. I was so tired of doing the forgiving; I couldn’t possibly bring myself to magically get over tonight and what had happened.

  “You need to get some rest,” Grandma said. “You’ll feel better in the morning.” She left me then, shutting off my bedroom light, and closing the door behind her.

  I didn’t bother turning on the light on the nightstand. I had already relived the accident in the worst way possible. I was no longer afraid of what could happen in the dark and in my dreams. Instead, I curled up on my side, pushing Gabriel’s ring over my index finger and closed my eyes.

  Chapter Twenty

  My eyes were dry and burning when I woke up that morning. My entire body was aching and stiff, but I couldn’t bring myself to move away from the headboard. I sat there, twisting the ring on my index finger, feeling the skin going raw underneath. There was a soft knock at the door, followed by my mother’s muffled voice asking if she could come in. I didn’t answer, but she opened the door and let herself in anyway. Luna trailed behind her, waddling into the room to check on me.

  “Hey, sweetie,” Mom said, sitting on the edge of the bed. She reached for my hand, cupping hers over the top of mine to keep me from twisting the ring. “How are you feeling this morning?”

  I turned to look at her, eyes hard, and said nothing.

  “Do you feel like coming down for breakfast?” she asked, ignoring my pointed gaze.

  “No,” I told her. I wanted to stay in bed until the terrible feeling of betrayal passed out of my system–assuming it ever would. My emotions were so clouded and mixed up; I didn’t really even know what I was feeling anymore.

  “Can I get you anything?” she asked.

  “No, I’m fine,” I said.

  “Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind.” Mom stood from the bed, slowly heading for the door.

  “Mom?”

  She turned. “Yes?”

  “Leave Luna with me?”

  “Sure, hon.” She bent to pick up Luna and gently placed her on the bed beside me. Luna rubbed her face against mine, and then settled down in the blankets. I rolled to my side, willing myself to fall asleep.

  ***

  The next time I woke, it was a quarter after one in the afternoon, and my head was pounding from my abnormal sleep schedule. Beck was there. She had pulled the desk chair over to edge of the bed and was sitting on it backwards, using the backrest for chest support as she leaned forward to pet Luna.

  “Hey,” I said, “when did you get here?”

  “A few minutes ago,” she said. “I got worried when you didn’t answer any of your texts, so I called the farm and talked to your Grandma. She invited me over.”

  “Did she tell you what happened?” I asked.

  “Some of it,” Beck admitted, “but I don’t know any details. Judging by the looks of you, it must have been pretty bad though.”

  I frowned. “Thanks.”

  “Don’t give me that look,” she said. “You are still wearing your dress from last night. I’m entitled to point out that you look like a train wreck.”

  I took a deep breath, and sighed. “Liam and I sort of got into a fight.” Though, “fight” wasn’t really the right word for it. Liam hadn’t raised his voice, scolded me, or put me down in any way. Not like I had done to him. The anger had purely been directed from me.

  “What happened?” Beck pushed her way onto the bed, sitting cross legged in front of me without disturbing Luna.

  I told her what Liam had told me, starting with the accident and how his stepfather had been the one to cause the fatal collision, and how Liam had been the one to hand over the set of keys. I told her that my whole family had known about Liam’s confession, and had chosen to keep me out of the loop for whatever twisted reasons they all seemed to think was okay.

  Beck was hugging her knees by the time I had finished, and she was staring down at the patterns in the patchwork quilt. Her unusual silence was deafening.

  “Well?” I said, waiting for her snide retort.

  “Darcy, because you’re my friend–probably the only real friend I have–I feel like it’s my duty to tell you that you’re overreacting.”

  “You too?” I said, “Well that’s just great.”

  “Hear me out a minute,” she said, reaching for my wrist. “You have every right to feel pissed and angry and hurt, but, you can’t blame your family for keeping this from you. They were respecting Liam’s wishes since he told them he wanted to be the one to tell you. It’s unbelievably shitty timing, but, can you imagine how hard it must have been for him?” Beck’s eyes had leveled on mine, willing me to understand. “I mean, what did you want him to do? Introduce himself and say, ‘oh by the way, my stepfather was the one responsible for your accident. Sorry about that, but it’s nice to meet you.’”

  I smirked, cracking a small glimmer of a smile at her reenactment.

  “Am I right though?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “Don’t be so hard on your family or Liam for that matter,” she said. “They weren’t trying to hurt you.”

  “I know,” I said. “It’s just that I thought I had found this wonderful thing that had nothing to do with the accident. But Liam finding me wasn’t some unplanned, grand life gesture that was written in the stars… It was predetermined and intentional. What if he only cares about me because he feels responsible for what happened? Maybe he feels like he needs to fix me–fix what happened. I can’t have someone looking at me that way, Beck. That’s not real love.”

  Beck was quiet for a moment, lost in her thoughts. It was like she was debating on the exact phrase, wanting to be sure whatever she had to say would have the right impact on me. I waited.

  “He doesn’t treat you like something that needs to be fixed,” she said solemnly. “I think you know that.”

  I did know that...

  Liam had never looked at me like there was something wrong with me, or treated me like some fragile glass ornament that needed handled with special instruction. He pushed me to go after the things I wanted, but promised to catch me if I failed. Even when I had been holding myself back, or afraid of how he might react to my inability to do certain things–or look a certain way–he had only ever been there, encouraging me. It was like he didn’t see the flaws that I saw in myself.

  “Is he here today?” I asked.

  Beck shook her head. “His truck wasn’t in the drive when I pulled up.”

  “I guess I wouldn’t want to see me either after how I reacted.”

 
“He’s probably just giving you some space,” Beck said, pushing up from the bed. “Come on. Let’s get you up and dressed. You’ll feel better after a shower.”

  I nodded, maneuvering myself into an upright position. I felt a little dizzy from lying in one position for too long.

  Beck rifled through my drawers and pulled some clothes out so I could change. “After you’ve showered, I’ll take you out for some coffee.”

  “Beck, can I ask you a question?”

  “Shoot,” she said.

  “Why did you pick me–to be friends with?” I asked.

  “Because I’m pretty good at reading people, and I could tell you were one of the good ones,” she said. “But mostly? I knew there would be free pie.” She grinned.

  I smiled, and shook my head. Life had a funny way of shaping events. No matter how bad things were, there always seemed to be a silver-lining. It didn’t always come in some clear, apparent message–like an airplane writing it across the sky so everyone could see. It came in the subtle ways, like a friend showing up when you needed her, giving you a different perspective and a new outlook on how life could be if only you let it. You just had to be open to the possibilities.

  ***

  Beck and I decided to skip coffee, choosing to eat lunch at the Seaside Grille and Cafe instead. Since it was another exceptionally warm day, we sat out on the patio, watching the waves rolling in from the deep sea. There was something therapeutic about the scent of the salt air, and the rush of the wind was giving me a fresh outlook on the day.

  Audrey, the girl Beck had pointed out the night before on the beach, was our waitress. Today, her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun with loose tendrils sweeping down in disarray. The mess seemed to be the only thing that brought her down to an otherwise unearthly level.

  “What can I get you girls?” she asked, pulling a purple writing pad from the front pocket of her apron.