Embracing Darkness

by Christopher D. Roe

  Jessie’s mind went back to the three bodies found in the rubble of the rectory. If Father Poole is still alive, who was the third person? she wondered. Then it came to her. She remembered the man in the greasy overalls whom General Lee had killed and whom Jonas and Billy had buried years before. The bones that General Lee had dug up in the crawlspace were the third body found at the site. She returned to the letter.

  I need you to know that with everything that has happened I have to disappear and Sister with me. With all I have been responsible for, I surely would have been excommunicated from the Church and perhaps face an even worse fate at the hands of the law.

  Still, I firmly believe it is by the will of God I am being given a second chance. I only hope I can redeem myself before the Lord calls me home.

  One last thing, dear child. I feel utterly responsible for the tragedy that has happened to you. Your innocence was taken from you, and I can’t help but think I played a crucial role in that travesty. I beg your forgiveness, dearest Jessica. Every day since we went out to the shed I’ve had a hard time living with my indirect complicity. I only ask that as time goes on you can forgive me, as I have long to live yet, before I can find it possible to forgive myself.

  I’ll leave you with that thought. More pressing at the moment is that you find happiness now. I leave you in the hands of Dwight Mason. He is a good man, and I have a feeling that you will remain welcome in his home. Furthermore, you have the support of the entire town. It sounds as though Holly has adopted you in their hearts. Despite the selfishness of which I had always accused them, they have an enormous capacity to do good. I know you will be fine, better off than you would be with me. I have hurt you and too many other people to deserve a second chance. Therefore, I bequeath you to your adopted town. It is in Holly that you will find the happiness that should never have been taken from you in the first place. God bless you.

  My love to you always,

  Father Phineas Poole

  Jessie quickly bent down and grabbed the envelope she’d dropped on the ground. Dwight had said that it was postmarked from out of town, but when she examined it more closely the postmark indicated Epping October 23, 1942. Remembering what Father Fin had said in the letter about leaving with Sister Ignatius, she also realized the letter had been written four days before. There would be no use in searching Exeter. Father Poole would surely be gone from St. Luke’s, and Sister from the Exeter Orphanage.

  Some happiness. she thought. I’m so alone.

  Jessica sank to the floor and began crying. She truly felt like giving up all will to live, for there was nothing now but a lonely existence and the persistent memories of loved ones now gone forever.

  As she got to her feet, putting the letter carefully back into the envelope, she heard Mrs. Mason yell at her husband, “When are we going to be eating? You still haven’t cleaned up the store, and I’m starved!”

  “E-pping! Jessie exclaimed, connecting the town’s name with the word ‘eating’ that Mrs. Mason had just hollered. “Where the hell is E-pping?”

  That night, Jessie lay in her bed, her mind swimming with so many thoughts that sleep would never find her. Staring into the blackness, she reflected back on Father Poole’s letter, which she had read over and over the entire afternoon. She thought about the initial shock she’d gotten when reading that he hadn’t died in the fire, and felt an all-too-familiar ache in her heart when she remembered what he’d said about giving her up forever.

  Suddenly Zachary Black’s face came into Jessie’s mind again, and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut until it faded away. Somehow she knew that it would probably be years before she could forget him for all time.

  If Sister had only not been so sick, she thought, She’d have seen right through that Mr. White. Why did she have to leave me?

  A tear escaped the corner of Jessie’s eye and dripped down into her ear. She could remember the last time she saw Sister Ignatius. She’d been taken from the Benson house, wheeled out to the Ford that Mr. Hartley had borrowed and…

  Jessie stopped and sat up in bed, her heart beginning to race as the thought sent a shiver through her body and down into her toes. Sister and Father Fin went behind the maple! She carved something into the maple! I know it!

  Then Dwight’s voice came into her head. Thought you should know, they’re planning on cutting down the rest of that tree tomorrow morning.

  “I have to find out what she wrote!” exclaimed Jessie, and hopped out of bed. She made her way down into the store and went behind the counter. Grabbing a flashlight from the stock and turning it on once to make sure it worked properly, she quickly ran out of the store in her nightgown and raced toward Holly Hill.

  Within fifteen minutes she had arrived at the summit. She ran to the maple’s south side and shined the flashlight at what was written. Below what she had remembered already being there were two words ‘GOING HOME’.

  Jessie knew this had to be Sister’s message, yet it was nothing she didn’t already know. Father Poole had mentioned to her on that day that she wanted to go back to where she’d been raised: The Exeter Orphanage.

  As Jessie brought the light of the flashlight down in disappointment, she took notice of another inscription, a much larger one, which she’d never before seen:

  ‘BE IN EPPING, ACKERMAN’S LUMBER YARD, UNTIL 10-30. THEN JOB ENDS. AFRAID TO COME BACK TO HILL AGAIN’

  “E-pping?” she said, and the letter’s post mark came back into her mind. Could this be a message meant for her from Father Poole? She couldn’t say for sure who had written it, yet the fact alone that Father Fin’s letter had been postmarked in Epping was enough to give Jessie a newly-found sense of hope. According to the message, she had only until October 30th to find out.

  “Mr. Mason? Mr. Mason!” Dwight was awakened by a persistent whispering in his ear. He jerked his head, hurting his neck a little.

  “Ow!” he gasped, clutching the nape. “Jessie? Is that you? What’s the matter, girl? Is someone down in the store? A burglar?”

  “How far is E-pping!” she inquired.

  “What is she talking about?” Mrs. Mason snapped at her husband while letting out a loud yawn. “Get that girl back to bed.”

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Mason, but this is really important.” Jessie said excitedly. “I need to know if there’s any way I can get there on my own.”

  Dwight said he knew of no town by quite that name but that there was one nearby called Epping.

  This name, which to Jessie sounded like “Eh-pin,” was close enough. “How do I get there?” she asked excitedly. “And are there any lumber companies around there?”

  “Only one that I know of: Ackerman’s, between Routes 125 and 156.”

  “That’s it! That’s it!” cried Jessie, remembering the entire message on the maple tree. She kissed Dwight on the lips, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Mason, and ran out of the bedroom.

  The next day Jessie left for Epping with a bag of clothes and pictures she’d collected from the Benson house. She was nervous, knowing that she had only two days to get there, although Dwight Mason had already mentioned that it wasn’t more than fifteen miles northwest of Holly.

  “I think you oughta let me come with you, Jess.” insisted Dwight. I mean you’re still only a kid. And whether or not you want to believe it, you’re my responsibility now.”

  “I can’t let you do that, Mr. Mason.” Jessie answered, sounding much more mature than one would expect for her age. “Just know that it’s something I have to do alone. And please don’t let anyone know where I’ve gone.”

  By noon she reached the Epping bus depot and was able to get a ride to Ackerman’s Lumberyard from a nice couple who reminded her of pictures she had in her bag of her mother and father. Within minutes they were at Ackerman’s, which was set on the top of a hill and surrounded by forest. Jessie hopped
out of the back seat, slammed the car door shut, thanked the couple, and walked slowly up the path to a cabin that appeared to be the lumberyard office. All was quiet, save for the crunching of random pebbles below her feet as she walked the dirt trail. She breathed in deeply and then exhaled several times as it was all she could do to keep from succumbing to her anxious nerves. She didn’t know who she was going to encounter, but she was as ready as she could be.

  Halfway up the hill she met a burly colored man and asked whether he’d known a man named Phineas or a woman named Mary Ignatius, to which question the man shook his head and grunted twice.

  Jessie lowered her head in disappointment.

  “But there is an older couple up there,” he said, pointing toward the summit, “and the woman is in a wheelchair.”

  Hope suddenly filled Jessie’s heart again. She gleamed at the man and thanked him. He tipped his hat to her and told her to follow the path to the peak of the hill, but reminded her to take it easy, as walking on a hill was different than walking on a flat surface. Jessie informed the man that she was no stranger to hills, and winked at him. The man smiled at her and pointed in the direction she’d already been walking. “Then just straight up this path, miss,” said the gentle giant. “They should be there somewhere toward the top.”

  As she walked up the path, she saw a few men sawing trees and a couple more hauling branches away. She was embarrassed to be there, thinking that the men were staring at her and wondering why in the world a teenage girl was in a lumberyard.

  Just then she heard her name. The voice was that of Father Poole. She turned around to see the priest, dressed in non-clerical clothing, running toward her. She hugged him tightly and couldn’t get any words out at first. Happiness and relief consumed her as she nearly choked Phineas in a passionate embrace.

  “What are you doing here, girl?” he asked as they broke away from one another.

  “I read the back of the maple.” she said, sounding out of breath. “It was a message.”

  “D-does this mean…” he began. “you still want to be with me?”

  “You’re my family, Phineas Poole. I love you.”

  He grabbed her again and pulled her close to him. The priest was overjoyed to have Jessie with him again, as well as thankful to learn that she had finally forgiven him.

  “Oh, Jess,” he said. “I’m so sorry for what I put you and everyone else through. I was too consumed by my own selfish need to save Zachary, when all along he was someone who could never be saved. I was blind. For that I apologize. In time perhaps you can forgive me for my other transgressions.”

  Phineas took her hand in his and rubbed it. “Do you want to see Sis?” he asked.

  She grinned and nodded, almost about to cry.

  He took her to a clearing in the forest away from the lumberjacks. In the middle was a woman, appearing old and frail, sitting in a wheelchair that overlooked a small pond on the far side of the enormous hill.

  “Sis?” said Jessie in a low voice.

  With trembling hands Sister Ignatius grabbed the wheels of the chair and turned around slowly. The effects of her cancer had worn her down to skin and bone, but all that Jessie could think of was the joy of seeing her again. She ran over, knelt down, and put her head on Sister’s knees.

  “Oh, child,” said Sister Ignatius. “You’re here. I’m so happy.”

  Seeing Jessie before her made Sister Ignatius reflect back on what Phineas had told her: the horror that Jessie had been through. She thanked God in her own quiet way that the child was now safe and among those who loved her more than anything else on earth.

  “I’ll never leave either of you again,” said Jessie, “because you two are my family.”

  “There’s someone else who I’m sure would like to see you as well, Jessica,” said Sister Ignatius. “He’s been asking about you ever since Father Fin and I arrived.” She pointed over to the other side of the summit. “You see that woodcutter over there?” asked the nun. “Go and see him.”

  Jessie paused. It can’t be. she thought, It just can’t be. She didn’t want to be disappointed if it wasn’t him, but all Jessie could think was that the woodcutter in the distance was none other than Billy Norwin.

  She left Sister Ignatius and Father Poole and walked slowly toward the distant figure chopping wood. Her heart pounded in her ears, and she stumbled once or twice. Despite the uneven terrain she quickened her pace.

  As he watched her go, Father Poole reflected on the tiny church on the hill, the one he’d never see again. He thought of kind Mrs. Keats, unfortunate Rex Gunther, and little Ziggy Patch. He ached in his heart from imagining the deaths they’d suffered. He thought of Argyle Hobbs and wondered how many years the old man had left. He thought of Ben Benson, the best friend he’d ever known. He thought of the twelve boys besides Zachary Black whom he’d taken in at the Benson Home for Abused and Abandoned Boys. They had made it their sanctuary for at least a brief time. Was it a coincidence that God had sent the priest twelve good and decent boys to save, the same number that God had willed His only begotten son to lead? And one who made for an unlucky thirteen?

  Father Poole dismissed the parallel as nonsense verging on blasphemy. He knew it was a sin to compare himself to Jesus Christ, and he would certainly add that sin to his list for his next confession, a list that now seemed to be the longest it had ever been since he first came to St. Andrew’s in 1925.

  Phineas gave one last look at Jessica as her long hair, the last part of her he could make out before she disappeared behind the trees, faded from view. He then leaned over his beloved friend, confidant, lover, and twin sister, kissing the top of her head. He wondered if he was ever going to divulge the truth about their common past, and how little time he had left to decide if he would.

  Ellen smiled and brought her emaciated hand up to Phineas’s forearm. A tear escaped from her eye and slid slowly down her cheek.

  Jessica walked through the brush as Sister Ignatius had instructed. As she drew closer, Jessie was able to make out the woodcutter’s blond hair. She kept on walking. Once through to the other side of the summit, Jessie saw the lumberjack’s naked back. His hair was wavy; he was about her height; and he seemed to be in excellent physical shape.

  Before she was able to call to him, a flood of emotion overtook her. Seeing Billy Norwin again made her weep with joy. In her mind she had prayed to be spared in the maple; she had prayed for Father Poole’s safety; she had prayed to see Sister again; and she had prayed to be reunited with Billy Norwin, who was now less than twenty feet from her. God had finally heard her.

  Billy Norwin heard sobbing behind him and turned to see Jessica Benson standing there with her hands over her mouth. He dropped his axe and pronounced her name. Now standing face to face, he took her in his arms, lifted her off the ground, and twirled her around and around. The two kissed as he spun her again at the summit of an entirely new hill.