‘Anthony? Do you mean Tony?’ he asked, looking at her strangely.
Vera wondered if her breath smelled boozy, and just in case, she stepped away from the gate slightly.
‘I don’t know. Maybe …’ she answered slowly.
The man nodded his head and said, ‘Wait here. If it’s Tony you’re after, I’ll get him. Oh …’ He turned around again. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Can you just tell him it’s a friend?’ she said, taking a further step back.
The man turned around and walked away without replying. Then he walked into the building, and with the doors still open, shouted, ‘There’s a woman outside who says she is a friend of Anthony. Tony! Are you expecting anyone?’
Standing by the gate, Vera heard every word as the man had shouted over the noise of various machines working. Then she noticed the blinds in one of the windows open slightly, and saw Anthony’s face peeking through. As he caught her eye, she waved her hand and smiled at him. Then she watched him shut the blinds, and within seconds he appeared outside of the building and ran towards the gate. He opened it and Vera excitedly threw her arms around him and awaited a kiss - but Anthony pulled away.
‘Vera, what are you doing here?’ he asked seriously.
‘Well, if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad…’ she said, smiling. ‘I thought I’d surprise you. Are you pleased to see me?’ she asked, trying to hug him again.
But Anthony pulled away again without saying anything. And as he took her arms off his neck and stood looking at her in total silence. Vera realized that he wasn’t pleased to see her at all, and suddenly felt that he was tense and very distant. She swayed a little and he held her by the arm, worried she might fall.
Thanking him for the support, she looked at him and asked, ‘Aren’t you happy to see me?’
‘Vera, I’m at work. I’m so busy. You should have told me you were coming, instead of appearing out of the blue after a few glasses of wine.’
‘Why?’ Vera looked at him like a wounded animal ‘Are you embarrassed about me? It’s pretty obvious you don’t want me inside this building.’ She swayed again, and he threw his arm around her to stabilize her. Upset, she pushed him away.
‘The only obvious thing here is that you are drunk,’ he said, still holding her arm. ‘And please don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’m not embarrassed about you. I’m in the middle of something with John, and it’s pretty important, that’s all.’
‘Oh, so now I’m drunk and ridiculous!’ she repeated after him, immediately taking offence. Her head was spinning and she was starting to feel a little sick. She wanted to make herself scarce, disappear, and regretted coming here. ‘Fine, you clearly don’t want me here, so I’m going.’ She turned around and started walking away.
‘No, I didn’t mean it like that.’ But she didn’t react or stop. ‘Vera, please!’ he shouted, as she finally turned around.
As they stood there looking at each other, he didn’t quite know what to say. He knew it wasn’t her fault and blamed himself for upsetting her and making her feel unwelcome. He couldn’t tell her the truth - that he did want her to come in, but because of events she had no idea about, he simply couldn’t. So his head dropped forward and he muttered, ‘I’m so sorry, babe. Another time, hey?’
Without saying anything, Vera turned around and quietly walked away. She felt humiliated and unwanted and she started crying.
CHAPTER 28
After returning home from her disastrous trip to Greenwich, Vera slept for the rest of the day and only awoke in the late evening. Around 9.00pm she stepped into the shower, and as the warm water ran through her hair and over her face and body, she contemplated the events of the day. What a difference twenty-four hours made. This time last night, Anthony was here holding her in his arms, and they’d had an amazing time together. Now, she was not only alone, but wondering if she’d ever see him again - and that thought made her really upset. Yes, she was still angry with him for acting the way he did, but was also realizing how much he meant to her, and that she didn’t want whatever it was they had already to end.
After her shower, for the first time since her accident, Vera switched on the TV. But flicking through the channels and realizing there was nothing interesting to watch, she turned it off again. She was just about to go upstairs to read a magazine, when the door buzzer went. It was almost midnight.
‘Hello?’ Vera picked the handset off the wall.
‘Vera, it’s me. Will you let me in?’ Anthony’s voice sounded so quiet she could barely hear him.
‘I’m in the middle of something. Another time, hey?’
She couldn’t resist the sarcastic remark as her emotions got the better of her, and she hung up the phone. But the buzzer went off again shortly after. She picked it up.
‘As I said, I’m busy. Call back another time.’
‘Vera, please, for God’s sake let me in!’ he pleaded with her. ‘I’m sorry about earlier on. You haven’t done anything wrong. It was my fault. I acted like an idiot. Please let me in. I can explain!’
For the next few seconds Vera contemplated his words, and then finally pressed the buzzer. She heard him enter the corridor. Seconds later she opened the door and he entered the apartment, looking very sheepish.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, standing in the frame of the door. ‘I should never have sent you away. In my defense I’ve had the afternoon from hell. After spending such a wonderful time with you the night before, I came to work on a high, only to get some unexpected news that got me all stressed out. Nevertheless I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.’
Vera’s heart melted when she looked at him.
‘Come in and sit down.’ She pointed towards the living room. ‘I’m actually sorry, too, I shouldn’t have just appeared unannounced and drunk. I should have known better.’
Anthony stopped in the middle of the kitchen and reached for a hug. She fell into his arms and they stood there cuddling for some time.
‘If you want to come to my studio again, let me know. And one more thing - I don’t want you to think I was embarrassed about you. I’m proud of you!’
‘Thanks,’ Vera murmured, not lifting her head from his shoulder. ‘But what was this unexpected news you got? I hope it’s nothing bad.’
Anthony pulled away slightly to look at her.
‘Yeah, about that,’ he said. ‘We’d better sit down.’ He walked towards the sofa. Vera followed him and sat next to him, anxiously awaiting what was to come.
‘You see … John and I have been chosen by the British Council to exhibit our designs around the world. They want us to go … on a six-month trip starting at the end … of this week.’
Vera sat still, suddenly completely numb. She tried to take in what he’d just said.
‘You know,’ he carried on, ‘the pressure on people like us is so absolute, and the ‘must show’ culture within our industry is so demanding. When I left art school, the main aim was to get a studio - this defined you as who you were, the making of the work not showing at an exhibition - but now things have changed. The British Council chose us from many who applied, so it’s such an honor too.’
As he spoke, Vera shown no emotion, but inside she went to pieces.
‘How can they expect you to drop everything and just go? Shouldn’t you get more notice?’
‘Well, John and I have known about this since we applied last year,’ Anthony mumbled.
‘Oh, you applied. And you didn’t think to mention it to me?’
‘To be honest, it was so long ago that I’d forgotten all about it. Besides, I honestly didn’t think that we’d get chosen. And I didn’t expect to meet you.’ He looked at her through almost tearful eyes, and whispered - ‘I don’t know what to do, Vera.’
‘Do you want to go?’ she asked him coldly.
‘No, if it means leaving you. But I also can’t let John down. We’ve worked so hard for such a long time, and global exposure would work wonders for our
careers. I honestly don’t know what to think.’
He sobbed then, and leant towards her on the sofa. She held his head and moved closer to hug him. The situation seemed impossible.
‘Anthony, is this why you didn’t want me in the studio?’ Vera suddenly put two and two together. ‘So I wouldn’t find out?’
She let go of him and was now examining his face. He was twitching and he was trying to avoid her eyes.
‘Please be honest with me,’ she said firmly. ‘It’s either that, or I get the feeling that there was someone inside the workshop you didn’t want me to meet.’
‘I don’t know what you’re implying!’ He sounded offended.
‘Okay, I’ll just ask you straight then - did you not want me to meet Lucy again?’
‘Why wouldn’t I want you to meet Lucy? You already met her. What’s this about?’ he said, getting up.
‘Anthony, was Lucy ever your girlfriend? Were you involved with her?’
‘What?’ He jumped. ‘Of course not. What makes you say that?’
‘I don’t know.’ Vera shook her head. ‘Maybe I feel that the woman you told me about, the one who left you, was her. You saw how she reacted towards me in the gallery. Maybe she still has feelings for you. Maybe she was jealous.’
‘No, you got it so wrong. I was never involved with Lucy. As for the ex I told you about, yes, she was special and she meant more than anything to me, but you don’t have to worry about her - she’s gone now!’
Vera looked at him determined to find out more.
‘What was her name?’ she asked, with much softer voice.
‘I’d rather not say.’ He rolled his eyes skyward.
‘Why was she so special then? Why her and not someone else?’
‘Why do you want to know?’ he hissed.
‘I just do. You told me that you loved me, don’t I have the right to know?’
After a short pause he finally compiled his response and said, ‘Because me and her might not have been perfect, but we just clicked. She was the complete opposite of me; she was organized, practical, sensible, and she was a constant worrier. She worried about everything and always warned me not to do something that could have ended badly. Despite the turmoil it would sometimes bring, I loved that about her, because she was giving me something that I could never create myself: routine, structure, order.’ He sat back on the sofa next to her. ‘I live my life day by day, I don’t plan much, and I don’t care about the ‘to-do’ list. I learnt early in life that everything can be taken away from you in a single moment. So I don’t plan ahead - I believe that life will just unfold on its own. I’ve had girlfriends who were like that in the past, but she was different - beautiful, sexy, intelligent, funny - she had it all, the full package, and …’ he hesitated again. ‘I guess … she also reminded me of my mother.’
Anthony was struggling to control his emotions.
‘So why did you split up?’ Vera placed her hand on his shoulder to try to calm him down.
He looked away.
‘It was stupid, ridiculous! She gave me an ultimatum: move in, let’s get serious, let’s get engaged … or …’
He brushed her hand off his shoulder. Vera stayed calm.
‘So why didn’t you? Did you not love her?’ she asked.
‘Of course I fucking loved her!’ He got up again, walked towards the window, and held his head in his hands. ‘She was the only woman I ever loved!’
‘So why did you …?’ she started, but he knew what she was going to ask, and was ready with his answer.
‘Not take her up on her offer? Not pursue her when she ended it?’ He turned around and focused his teary eyes back on her face. ‘You wanna know why? Because I was scared! Because … because … I was scared.’
He wept then. She wanted to run to him, but couldn’t move.
‘I didn’t know if after what had happened to my own family, I ever wanted to start my own.’ He walked towards her. ‘Growing up I thought that if I never had anyone but granddad, there was no one else to lose. And if I didn’t have kids myself, there was no one else to hurt and cry for me, the way I suffered after losing my family. If me and her got serious, like she wanted, we would have ended up walking down the aisle and with a couple of kids. But what if something had then happened to me? Or her? And I thought - who the hell am I to bring children into this world and then one day abandon them, inflict that kind of pain on another human being, my own flesh and blood?’
As he cried, Vera finally went to him and threw her arms around him. He hugged her back. He was holding onto her so tightly that it got physically painful. Then, still holding her tight, he dropped to his knees and pressed his face to her chest. She kissed his hair all over.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I understand now. I understand,’ she said.
He suddenly pulled himself away from her.
‘No you don’t, you don’t. You really don’t. I wish I could tell you everything now, but I feel I can’t.’ He dropped to the floor, crying harder. Hearing those words, Vera also lowered herself to the floor, sat next to him, and stared blankly at the wall of her living room.
‘And do you still love her?’ she asked quietly.
All of the feelings and emotions that were etched into her own face just a few moments ago had disappeared. It was the worst time in the world, to find out that the man she was falling for, had feelings for another woman, but then again, there was never a good time to find out such a thing … but she had to know. Now. It was better to end it here, today, than love him even more deeply and go any further into something that had no chance of developing.
Still not looking at her, he answered, ‘Please don’t ask me that’ he said getting up.
‘Why?’ Her face was getting colder by the second.
‘Because if I’ll tell you the truth,’ he said, as he looked at her, ‘you’ll jump to the wrong conclusion.’ He took her hand and pulled her up from the floor. They stood silently face to face.
‘Answer me,’ she said quietly, looking him straight in the eyes.
‘Please, Vera, not now … I’m begging you, not now. You don’t know what you’re doing.’
‘Answer me,’ she said again even quieter than before.
He raised his hand and touched her cheeks, her nose, her head, and moved his hands towards her lips. He wanted to tell her everything right now, but didn’t know how or where to start. Whatever he was going to tell her, would end in a disaster. And if he told her the truth, the whole truth, it may even impact her health. There was no way out. With damage limitation in mind, he took his hands away from her face and thought that it may be the last time he’d ever be that close to her.
‘Yes, Vee, I do still love her.’
Tears rolled down Vera’s face. She stood still in front of him. She wanted to scream at him, shout that he should have never had started a relationship with her if he had feelings for someone else, tell him that he was a bastard, call him all the names under the sun. But the only words that have come out of her mouth were, ‘Get out!’
He looked at her face for a few more seconds, wiping his own tears in silence, before finally heading for the corridor. And as she stood motionless in the living room, she heard the noise of the door closing behind him.
PART IV
CHAPTER 29
Tony Peters had a secret. For the last few weeks he’d been dating his ex-girlfriend, Vera, who was suffering from amnesia following a head injury. She didn’t have a clue that they had met and fallen in love before she saw him on that train from Richmond. And now, as he fell for her all over again, for fear of losing her, he didn’t know how to tell her the truth. When he couldn’t explain why he still loved his ex, she had told him to get out. For all he knew, she may never want to see him again. But if only, if only she knew that he was talking about her - not another woman.
Now he was sitting at a desk, staring blankly into the computer, in the upstairs office of his studio in Greenwich. T
he kettle had boiled in the tiny kitchenette behind him, and he got up to open the cupboard and get a teabag. He dropped it into a mug and poured boiling water over it.
At the same time, his business partner, John, entered the room with a big smile on his face, but seeing Tony all cut up said, ‘What’s the matter with you bruv? Cheer up! We’re almost ready to go. Lucy is at the gallery as we speak, taking down the exhibition. Everything’s getting packed tonight, here in the studio. Our tickets have also arrived!’ He shook the white envelope he was holding in his hand up in the air. ‘Exciting stuff, man!’
‘Exciting for you, maybe.’ Tony threw the teabag in the bin, poured milk into his tea and put the bottle back in the fridge. ‘I’m not looking forward to this at all.’
‘What? Are you nuts? We’ve waited for such an opportunity for ages.’
Tony sat down at the desk and scrolled through the internet, but only to avoid looking at John’s face.
‘And what about Vanessa?’ Tony asked him. ‘You’ve been dating for two months. How does she feel about you going away for this long?’
John came to sit with Tony at the desk.
‘Vanessa is a smart girl, she’ll understand. Besides, she knows she can’t just tie me down to one place, that’s just not me.’
‘You haven’t told her yet? You are incredible!’
‘I’ll be telling her tonight.’
‘And you think your relationship of two months will survive a six-month break?’
‘Who cares, man!?’ John got up and walked towards the kitchen bar. ‘I can’t jeopardize my career for a chick. I have the same advice for you. I know you only have doubts because you started dating that girl, whatever her name was. But just know that I won’t let you fuck up my hard work, Tony. We’re going away, and that’s it. So you better break it off with her, like I’m about to do with Vanessa.’
‘What if I can’t leave her? What If I don’t want to? She needs me, John. She’d had an accident not so long ago, and she still hasn’t recovered.’
Before We Met: What Happens When You Fall For The Same Man Twice But Don't Even Know It Page 15