Life Without Hope
Page 41
on black Guess jeans that showed off the curvaceous symmetry of
her God-bless-the-world Black woman’s thighs. She also wore
enough jewelry to make an Egyptian jealous. The diamond
baguette earrings with an iced out Cuban link chain thick enough
to pull a train. She wore rings on just about ever y finger and each
one of them was laced with diamonds. Opposite to her was Black
Pearl, unadorned, unpretentious. She wore a simple white sun-
dress and sandals with her manicured feet showing. Unlike Trina,
Black Pearl’s hair was real thick and natural and it cascaded past
the middle of her back. Her sable velvet complexion seemed to
radiate in hue in contrast to the white dress that strained against
the sensuous rondure of her cur ves. At 19 years old, Black Pearl
was still blossoming into one of the most stunningly gorgeous
Black women that I had ever seen. Trina looked somewhat gener-
ic standing next to her. From the look on both of their faces they
did not look too happy to be visiting me. As for myself, I couldn’t
help but to smile a shit-eating grin. I thought back to the time I
first met Trina and she had stolen my stash and came back and
blessed a nigga with two bricks. I then wished I married her like
she wanted.
Still with a goofy-ass smile on my face, my delight in seeing
this gangsta bitch, I thought about all the millions she had stolen
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from me. Wondered how she was going to dazzle me this time
with her return. Maybe she bought a nigga a yacht. That was the
one thing I did not have. Giddy, I laughed out loud throwing my
head back. A few people glanced over in my direction. I watched
as Trina approached the CO’s desk. He pointed in my direction.
More goofy-ass smiling. She walked toward me. The sway of her
wide hips, ass so fat that you could see it from the front, then my
smile died in a carnage of burning betrayal. I watched as Trina
made a left at the next row of chairs and walked right up to anoth-
er man, she extended her arms. I could hear the bangles on her
wrist chime as she hugged him. He kissed her passionately while
palming her ass. I was blinded with rage! All I could see was blood
behind my eyes. Murder, murder, murder! I breathed in fitted sips
of air like sipping oxygen through a straw, I was desperately fight-
ing for control. I could feel my blood, a rivulet, rushing through
my veins.
Timidly, Pearl approached. Subconsciously I stood rigid. She
tried to speak but no words came out of her mouth. The brim of
her starry eyes were filed with tears. I remember feeling uncom-
fortable, ashamed and embarrassed. Pearl hugged me in a way that
felt like she latched on to my body. Her pungent sobs rocked us
both. I looked up to see the CO giving me the evil eye. I could get
my visitation terminated for “Unauthorized Touching.” The
entire visiting room was watching, including Trina. I had to wres-
tle Pearl off of my neck. We sat down. I tried to smile, I’m sure my
face looked like cracked glass in the mirror in her eyes as she cried
openly for everyone to see.
“Girl, what you cryin’ fo?” I asked with a frown on my face.
“I ... miss … you,” she wailed, wiping her eyes with the back
of her hands. The little brown girl that ran into my leg earlier
meandered over, with her index finger in her mouth, the expres-
sion on her face said she was in awe at seeing the big girl cry.
It had been about a year since I last saw Black Pearl. I sat right
there in that chair and reminisced about how a drear y past had
run me down and pounced on me. I thought about Lil Man.
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Shamefully, I cast a glance down at the floor and looked at the
ankle bracelet on her leg.
“L, when I was 16 years old, pregnant, strung out on crack
with no place to live, you took me in, fed me, gave me a place to
stay.” Pearl painfully swallowed a sob inhaled a sigh. The little girl
tentatively took a step closer.
“Nigga you picked me up out of the dirt, made me go to
school, made me the woman I am today, and the only reason I’m
saying this is because I love you and it hurts.” She cried some
more. I looked over at the little girl, she was about to cry, too. I
remember a feeling of despair like I have never felt before. And for
the millionth time, I wished that I were someplace else. Black
Pearl continued. “ Trina knows just how much I love you. She
knew it from the very first day that you brought me to that hotel.”
I just sat there in the chair like a deaf mute soaking in her
poignant words. Pearl furtively glanced in Trina’s direction and
whispered. “Don’t be mad at her. When she found out Big Mike
was coming home –”
“Big Mike!” I repeated, taking a closer look at the dude she
was talking to.
At first, all I could see was the side of his face, and then the
face turned.
Goddamnit! Big Mike was none other than the big dude that
made that testimony at church talking about his Lord and Savior
told him to come back and snitch on his friends and family. I
thought to myself,
no wonder he was watching me the whole time
.
And to think, Major knew it all the time, but did not want to risk
telling me so there would be no drama. Because of all the anger
and frustration, all I could do was laugh a mirthless chuckle, for
the sake of my ego and the fact, all eyes were on me. With a plas-
tic smile on my face, all I could do was think about Trina going
for the okey doke. I thought about the lives this rat ass nigga must
have had to sacrifice at the expense of gaining his own freedom.
OK, I’ll admit, I was jealous as hell too. I knew one thing, I could
not wait to step to dude. As Black Pearl talked I really didn’t pay
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much attention to what she was saying. A woman with a bad case
of acne came and picked up her child. I took the opportunity to
make the bold leap of no return. This is the hardest par t about
going to prison, you have to let go, not just of life and liberty, but
love and affection, or else it will come back to haunt you. No man
can remain immured in concrete and steel for too long and not
suffer the pain and anguish that a woman can bring. A man can’t
expect for his woman to be stronger than he is. In essence that is
what he is asking her to do when he expects her to wait for him.
I took hold of Pearl’s hands and forcefully looked into her big
brown eyes pulling her close to me, her sweet perfume engulfed
me. “Baby girl, I’m no good for you! I’m an illusion, these crackas
have created a game with our lives. That’s what the dope game is.
I want you to sell the Chateau, all the cars and go far away from
here, find you a square and marry him, not some thug. We’re des-
tined to destroy some shit, and sometimes even ourselves. I’ve
fucked up, it’s a wrap with me, my life is over.�
�
“No, what about the trial? The jury didn’t reach a verdict yet.”
People in the visiting room turned and looked in our direction,
including the CO.
“I was with you when you were on the grind, when we didn’t
have shit, we dreamed together, lived together and if we have to,
we’ll die together. I don’t want to live my life without you. I love
you L.” A lone tear distilled down her ebony cheek. Through teary
eyes, she tried to smile, and at the same time, keep the panic out
of her voice. Her fear of the inevitable, even to the end, I was
going to keep it gangsta. I saw her bottom lip trembling. This shit
was getting too emotional. With my mind made up, I knew what
I had to do. I rose to my full height towering over her.
“Go to the Chateau, get my Bible and bring it to my lawyer,
Hope.” Pearl tried to grab me and I pulled away and saw the hurt-
ful scowl on her face. “I never want to see you again! You have to
promise me you’ll never come back here again.”
With that I walked off, my legs felt like rubber and my heart
was hemorrhaging a trail of blood behind me. Black Pearl had
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always been like a little sister to me, there was no way I was going
to fit her in with a ball and chain around her neck and expose her
to my own self induced torture. She was too young and she didn’t
know what she would have been getting herself into, the misery
and hurt that destroys a woman within, like some virulent disease.
A woman that waits on a phantom lover that will never come.
Always waiting, always hoping until she finds that time is her
enemy, too.
My pride wouldn’t just let me walk out of that visiting room
no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it was my sweltering ego or
even Trina for that matter; whatever the case, in passing I could
not resist stepping to Big Mike. I had to. I walked right up to him
like I knew him. I secretly enjoyed the terror stricken scowl on his
mug when he looked up and saw me. I glanced over at Trina. A
million episodic memories flashed on the screen of my mind.
Trina, the Brooklyn chick, who stole me blind. I thought about
the luggage full of money she walked away with as I lay in bed
writhing in pain, body riddled with bullets. I thought about the
woman that had introduced me to a game bigger than life, the real
mastermind behind a million dollar plan.
Ain’t no longevity in the
dope game, stick and move. Get out within a year.
I felt my top lip curl up as I looked down at the both of them.
The only thing
missing was the gun in my hand and I would have put both
their asses on fire with them hot balls. On the inside I raged with
violence. I wanted to take the crime to dude bad! “Wuz up Trina?”
I said coldly. She rolled her eyes at me, turning her head she
sucked her teeth disdainfully. I felt my hand coiling like how it
feels when you’re about to slap the shit out of somebody. “How is
the good Christian brotha doin’?” I asked sarcastically. With a
mouthful of pizza, Big Mike looked up at me in between bites. I
could see the puzzled look in his eyes, the way people look at you
when they’re trying to assess your motives.
“I’m aiight,” he grunted. I could tell he was trying to act hard
by his demeanor. He had a mouthful of gold that looked like
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chipped old pennies. He wore his jumpsuit about two sizes too
small, showing off his huge arms.
“So dis the muthafucka you was waiting on? Had me acceptin’
his collect calls and shit. Huh bitch?!” I said stepping closer to
Trina getting ready to swing. Her eyes bulged at me in frightened
disbelief.
“L, man you wrong! Nigga if you got beef wit me you could
have waited until we got into the unit,” Big Mike said and stood
up.
“Nigga it didn’t start in the unit. You been grillin’ me with the
screw face ever since you got here,” I said. I created a scene as I
continued, “And you, bitch ass nigga, I ain’t got no respect for a
nigga that snitch on his friends and family.” With that Trina’s jaw
dropped as she looked at him. I took a step closer hoping to get
off a punch first. I really wanted to punish dude and get one of
them gold trophies out of his mouth. The CO started to walk in
our direction. I played it off and whispered as I smiled. “My nigga,
I’m tryna holla at you when we get back into the unit.” With that
said I strolled off. My life tr ying to serve God was going to be dif-
ficult. The old folks had a saying,
what would Jesus do?
*****
I waited in the unit for Big Mike, strapped with my joint in
my pants, a box cutter stolen from the R&D department. By the
time the 4 o’clock count came around, he still had not shown up.
A sexy female CO with fake European hair and nails approached
me. She wore her pants tight with ass for days. She had ghetto
written all over her, and for some strange reason, it made her
appealing. Twice I already offered her some money to let me hit it.
Playfully she would always ask me was I serious, and laugh hys-
terically when I replied, “hell yea! Does a bear shit in the woods?”
So when she sauntered up to me at count time with a dead serious
expression on her face, that fat ass spread eagle on my bunk
flashed in my mind. At count time everyone would be locked into
their cells, that would be a perfect time. I touched myself as my
eyes roamed over all the curves of her body, she was jet Black. I
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watched her sexy mouth as she talked–there was something about
women with big lips that turned me on. She had about two or
three shades of lipstick on her large soup coolers. Sexy.
“Thugstin, they want you in the LT’s office,” she said and
shrugged her shoulders to answer the question that she knew was
coming next.
“Shit!” I cursed and took off to my cell. I had to get rid of the
knife. While I was there I stashed some cigarettes in my drawers.
Four deep, all rednecks, they escorted me to the LT ’s office.
Once there, I was informed that I was being placed in SHU for
my own protection.
“That’s bullshit!” I protested to the redneck. They wouldn’t
even tell me why. I could tell they were hoping I tried to buck so
they could kick the bone out of my ass and say I fell down some
stairs. I had my suspicions that maybe Big Mike had something to
do with it.
They placed me into a cell with a Mexican that smelled like he
wanted to be left alone. He was locked up for murder. We got
along fine, chain smoked all night, while I talked about my
upcoming trial. The Mexican could speak no English.
The next day bright and early, the CO kicked on the door.
Scared the shit out of me. He called my name and opened the lit-
tle slot in the cell door handing me an envelope. He informed me
that I had a visit from
my lawyer, Hope Evans, but once she
learned that I was in SHU again, she became upset stating that she
could not bear coming back there again. I looked at the neat
woman’s handwriting and opened the letter:
Dear Life,
I see you still have the propensity to find trouble or trouble always
seems to find you, even when you’re in prison. Don’t tell me you did-
n’t do anything wrong ... I’ve heard it all before. Whatever the case, I
apologize, but I could not muster the courage to drag myself back there
to see you with all the chaos and madness, it’s too much like touring a
slave ship, only worse!
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Anyway, I just came to update you on your case. I can’t lie to you,
this is a rough one. Jurors are a strange group. About as unpredictable
as the weather and need I mention Judge Statford is highly pissed to
say the least. So I must warn you of all the obstacles, in the event of a
hung jury. The government, with its unlimited resources of money and
paid informants will go to great lengths to try you again at the cost of
millions of dollars. Life, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I don’t think I
can make it through another grueling trial, but we’ll just have to cross
that bridge when we get to it. Right now, all we can do is be patient.
On a brighter note, boy, I want you to know that I fought for you
with every fiber of my being, every sinew of my strength. One day after
all of this is over, regardless of the outcome, you and I will sit down
and I’ll tell you about the birds and the bees, the lies and deception,
the birth and the death. I’ll tell why I fought for you till my very last
breath. Time is now a thief in the night; he waits for both of us, but
only if we lose.
Emphatically,
Hope Evans
Frustrated, I must have read Hope’s letter a hundred times.
What was she trying to tell me? What was she saying? My hands
began to tremble and then the rest of my body began to shake
involuntarily. I balled up the letter in my hands and threw it into
the toilet. What the fuck was she talking about? The birth ... the
death ... time was a thief.
I walked over to the window and looked out through the steel