WITHOUT SHAME: Babylon MC Book 4

by James, Victoria L.

  “He can’t,” I finished for him, my arms crossing over my chest as I leaned against the doorframe. We all knew how tight of a spot Howard Sutton was in. We all knew how it was becoming increasingly more difficult for him to run interference when the club had a target on their backs. “I know they’re putting pressure on him.”

  Jedd nodded and ran his hands down his cheeks until they trapped his beard between his fingers. “Drew ain’t talking to any of us. As Harry would say, he’s keeping all his bullshit buried, and it’s only a matter of time until that shit starts to stink.”

  The sarcastic remark of and you think he’s talking to me? was swallowed. I didn’t speak to any of the guys about our relationship. I knew Drew wouldn’t thank me for it, and I had a feeling Eric would use that information to his favor, somehow. The man was always hovering, his eyes continually taking everything in like he was just waiting for the opportunity to step in and save the club.

  That was something that would only happen over my dead body.

  I hauled out a breath and dropped my hands to my hips as I pushed from the doorframe and glanced in the direction Drew had disappeared. “Thanks, Jedd. Let me see what I can do.”

  “Ayda.”

  I glanced back and met his eyes again, but he didn’t say anything else. He just shook his head, turned, and walked away. There was a lot of that going around these days. My name had become some weird anchor that seemed to replace whatever words they felt uncomfortable saying aloud. Only I wasn’t sure I always translated them correctly.

  I watched Jedd disappear into the darkness of the bar, and I closed my eyes to draw in more strength as the voices rolled from the room in a quiet rumble. Everyone was concerned. They had seen Drew break before when Pete died at the hands of an enemy. They understood that the fallout this time was going to be so much worse. Their president wasn’t quite there yet, but he was heading to that edge, and they were looking at me to derail him.

  With another long draw of breath, I turned to face the direction of the path Drew had taken. There was a weight in my stomach that had nothing to do with excitement at seeing my man. This feeling was more trepidation. It was a steely resolve to ignore the rejection that was sure to follow this encounter.

  I took off before I had a chance to change my mind, each step carrying me closer to the door that was closing him off from the rest of The Hut and the men inside it. Drew couldn’t keep me out, though. He shared this room with me. It’s why I didn’t bother knocking and chose instead to push the door out of my way the same way I did every other time I passed through it.

  “Hey, you’re home,” I said casually, leaning against the frame of the door.

  His back was to me, his shoulders hunched, but I didn’t miss the slight flinch of them when he heard my voice before he dragged a hand down his face to wipe something away. He carefully began to peel off his gloves, tossing them into a corner of the room and letting out a heavy, weighted breath.

  “Hey,” he said with no emotion at all. “Yeah. Home.” Drew cleared his throat and rubbed the palms of his hands together, keeping his chin tucked to his chest so I couldn’t see anything about him. “I need a drink. Get me a whiskey, darlin’, while I take a shower, will ya?”

  I tried to hide my reaction. He didn’t even call me darlin’ the way he used to. There was no smoothness to it anymore. This had become a line in his script, and he was reading it to an audience who knew him too well to miss the subtle differences he expected me to ignore.

  “I’d rather scrub your back,” I replied lightly, my teeth impaling my bottom lip in anticipation of the resounding no he was undoubtedly going to feed me.

  Drew wrung his hands together, his forearms tense and tight. “Just the drink first, Ayda.”

  He shifted across the room, not looking my way or even attempting to glance at me as he peeled his cut away from his shoulders and let it fall down his arms.

  “Better than a no.”

  I stepped farther into the room rather than leaving, and I closed the door with a gentle push. The last time Drew had used this excuse on me—and it was an excuse—I’d made a point of putting a bottle of his favorite whiskey in the dresser that held my underwear. I could see the tension in his shoulders as I made my way across the room unapologetically and pulled open the drawer.

  “I assume you would like the whole bottle?” I held it out to him by the neck and rocked the bottle from side to side between us, the amber liquid barely moving in the neck.

  He didn’t answer me. The careless drop of his cut on the floor followed by the slam of the bathroom door said everything for him. I heard the water begin to hiss down against the tiles beyond the wall, and I swear I heard Drew muttering something angry to himself, which he thought was drowned out by the noise of the water. A second later, he moved back toward the door, and I heard the lock click.

  “Two minutes,” he called roughly.

  “Your whiskey may not last that long,” I muttered as I broke the seal and took a mouthful of the gut rot whiskey he loved so damn much. The alcohol burned its way down my throat and sat heavily in my empty stomach, while I stared at the door willing it to open enough for me to slip inside and just… well, at this point, fucking him would be good enough. Just some kind of connection between us that I could hold onto for another couple of months while this empty man wore Drew’s skin.

  I spun in a circle and looked at the bed, then the clothes on the floor, not missing the dark crimson stains that had already begun to dry. His cut, crumpled on the floor, was so well worn, Harry’s RIP patch looked stark in contrast.

  “Tell me what to do, Harry,” I said, bending to pick up the cut in my free hand, and rubbing the knuckles of my bottle-holding hand over his name. “You always knew how to get through that hard, stubborn head of his.”

  I didn’t know what I was expecting, but nothing happened, and when I finally gave up on getting a response, I laid the cut over the back of the chair in the corner and stared at the faint red stain that it left behind on the palm of my hand. I stared at the pink stain long and hard, the bottle moving to my mouth over and over again as I talked myself out of the freak out session that was beginning to bubble under the surface of my calm.

  It was blood.

  Whose blood?

  I didn’t know.

  Did I want to know?

  Would it do any good knowing?

  It sure as hell didn’t fix anything. Drew was too far away to pull back now, and I was out of ideas on how to even begin to help him. Stumbling back until my legs hit the bed, I fell back on my ass, my eyes still staring at the smear of drying blood on my palm.

  I was so lost in thought that the pinging alert from his phone behind the door made me jump. The shower shut off quickly and his wet footsteps slapped against the floor. The silence that took over was suffocating until I heard his muted growl.

  Two minutes later, with my eyes still firmly fixed on the room he was hiding in, I heard the click of the lock before the door began to open. When my fiancé stepped out, he looked as ridiculously handsome as always. His hair was wet and pushed back, beads forming at the ends and exposing his scowl, but there was no thrill of delight at his half-naked body because he hadn’t given me that option. He’d dressed in the dirty clothes he’d been wearing when he went in there, the only difference being the little patches of water that made the dark colors impossibly darker.

  Drew scanned the room for his cut before his eyes landed on my body perched on the bed. They lingered, heated on my thighs, and for one fleeting moment, I held some hope that he had the same desires for me that I had for him. Then his eyes snapped to the cut on the back of the chair, and he made his way toward it swiftly, blinking back the hint of lust that had made an appearance.

  “Hold the whiskey. I have to ride out somewhere real quick,” Drew said like he was talking to a stranger he’d met in the street. Drew’s nostrils flared as he marched across the room, picked up his precious leather and slung it over his
black hoodie. I didn’t miss the same bloodstains on that as I’d seen on his cut.

  “Drew.”

  There it was.

  Now I was saying his name the same way some of the guys used mine.

  I had nothing to follow, nothing to add. There were no hopes and dreams attached or even inflection in my tone. Just his name. A reminder that I was still here, that I still cared, and that I wanted him now more than ever. I would wait for him. All of these thoughts, dreams, and hopes were packed into one word: his name.

  I couldn’t stick around to see if I’d gained his attention. I also couldn’t bear to see the indifference in his eyes as they found mine, so I rushed to the bathroom and turned the faucet on as hot as it would go before shoving my hand under the stream and watching as the red faded to pink before running clear again. This finally took me back to where I was comfortable: in my denial. It was where I still had hope and where the love I had for this man was capable of fixing anything.

  I dropped my stinging palms to the sink and sucked in a breath, waiting for the sound of the door to open and close as he left. I waited and waited.

  But the bathroom door was thrust open in a surprise move, the clang of the wood hitting the wall causing me to flinch and look in his direction. There he stood. My tall, dark, tortured man, looking much like he had the first time I saw him, only this time he was haunted by the sadness he hadn’t accepted rather than a burning need to show his power to the world. Drew’s eyes flickered to mine only briefly before he looked away and walked forward with his usual confidence.

  I hitched in a breath, and when his hand reached out to cup my neck, I held that breath in my chest and looked up into his eyes—his familiar eyes, which were now aimed directly at my mouth.

  “Its just grief, Ayda. Don’t say my name like I’m a lost cause. I love you, and no fucked up situation can ever take that away from my little black heart.” His fingers flexed against my skin, and I watched as he swallowed like he was guilty of something. When the pad of his thumb ran calming lines against my pulsating skin, I let myself believe he was back. “Wait for me,” he whispered.

  And no sooner had he given me hope, he took it away when he closed his eyes and turned away.

  Without thinking, I reached out and tucked my fingers in the waist of his jeans and pulled him back to me. I pushed to my toes, taking the element of surprise to kiss the corner of his mouth with affection, and whispering, “Forever.”

  I dropped back and away, releasing him with a shy smile. One day I would tell him exactly how I felt standing here in this small bathroom with him, but today wasn’t that day, and I had to let him go.

  Chapter Two

  DREW

  I tore through the streets of Babylon, weaving in and out of traffic, running red lights, and not giving a fuck about the consequences of my actions. The world had sped up around me, and I had to get to wherever I was going fast. Faster. I was never fast enough. I couldn’t outrun the ghosts anymore.

  My tires kicked up a spray of stones and dust where I half-spun into a parking spot right outside the hospital, hidden away where all the trash compartments were stored.

  “So much for being discreet,” Sutton said with a smirk on his face.

  I ran my tongue over my bottom lip before I raised my brows in acknowledgment and threw my leg over the bike.

  Howard Sutton was leaning against his cruiser, his arms folded over his chest as he watched me approach.

  “Discreet isn’t exactly my way of life,” I told him.

  “No shit.”

  I reached out to accept the hand he offered to me, my palm slapping against it before I pulled him towards me and tapped his back with my free hand—an embrace that had come to tell him more than I could verbalize with actual words these days.

  “You look like hell,” he said when he pulled back and searched my bloodshot eyes. “Smell like it, too.”

  “That’ll be the blood.”

  “Blood?” Sutton raised a brow before he let his gaze fall to my cut, and then the sleeves of my hoodie. “Jesus Christ, Tucker, I’m wearing the badge. I don’t want to know. Don’t fucking tell me.”

  “Wasn’t planning on it.”

  Sutton blew out a breath, shook his head and stepped around me. I spun on my heels to watch him as he ran a worried hand over his forehead.

  “You know, you damn near killed me earlier this year for teaching Ayda to shoot behind your back. You squeezed your fingers against my throat, and you were ready to make both her and me pay for lying to you.” He placed his hands on his hips and looked up at me through heavy, creased brows. “Tell me how this is different. How is what you’re doing now any different to what the girl did then?”

  I blinked, staring at him like I was bored. “If Ayda asks me any questions, I won’t tell her a single lie. She doesn’t ask because, deep down in her heart, she already knows. She knows she won’t like the answers I have to give.”

  “Omissions of truth you’re okay with?”

  I sighed heavily, glancing to one side before I rolled my eyes and looked at him again. “You’re either helping me, or you’re in my way, Sutton. I don’t have time for any counseling. I don’t want it.”

  “And if Ayda asks me if I know what’s going on with you?”

  “She won’t.”

  “If she does?”

  “Tell her whatever the hell you want.”

  “You don’t sound too concerned about her feelings.”

  “I have a job to do. That’s my main concern at the moment.”

  Sutton’s eyes turned down at the corners, his sadness mixed with his frustrations at my apparent lack of feelings. I knew that look. I saw it in all my men every day. I saw it in Ayda every minute I was with her. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand to see pity staring back at me when I looked into the eyes of the people I loved. It made me feel weak, and that wasn’t something I’d ever been comfortable with.

  “Don’t lose yourself so much, Tucker that there’s no bringing you back.”

  “Thanks, Pops, but I can take care of myself.”

  “Yourself is the one person you can’t take care of. That’s why you’re spiraling out of control like a fucking idiot.”

  I took a step closer, and Howard was smart enough to tense and ease a tentative step back.

  “Chief?”

  “What?” He swallowed lightly.

  “You’re giving me a fucking headache.”

  The corners of his mouth twitched as a sardonic grin threatened to take over, but the sound of an old Harley turning the corner had the two of us looking up and assessing our new arrival.

  “Right on cue. Your latest partner in crime has arrived,” Sutton whispered.

  “Yep.” I sighed again, releasing all the weight from my chest as I watched my dad slow his bike until he came to a complete stop next to us.

  Eric Tucker had an air about him that made the world sit up and take notice. He wore his arrogance like a badge of honor. Since his return, I hadn’t decided if I respected him or loathed him. If people thought I kept my cards close to my chest, I had nothing on this man.

  I watched as he swung his leg from the bike, much the same way I always did, before he removed his helmet and hooked it on the back of his seat.

  “Drew. Howard.” Eric nodded in our direction, pushing up the sleeves of his flannel shirt until they rested above his elbows, revealing the faded ink on his forearms. For an old man, he was in pretty decent shape.

  I could definitely take him if I had to, though.

  Something pricked at my spine telling me that one day, I might have to.

  “Eric,” Sutton acknowledged, giving him a curt nod.

  Dad’s eyes drifted to mine and creased together, studying me like the lab rat experiment of a son I’d always been for him.

  “You ready?” he asked me sharply.

  “Have been since I was born into this fucked up way of life,” I answered stiffly.

  “Good to know.”


  Howard paced suddenly, walking in a circle as we waited for his contact to appear. It was a middle-aged woman who turned up wearing her nursing scrubs and a look of panic on her face as she appeared out of nowhere.

  “Howard,” she greeted, waving her arm for us to go to her.

  “Gilly, you take care of my men,” Sutton told her.

  Gilly eyed Eric and me with suspicion, but she gave Sutton the confirmation he needed with a quick nod and glassy eyes that told all of us she didn’t like this any more than Sutton did.

  I didn’t need them to approve. I just needed their help.

  We saluted the chief and followed our rat into the back corridors of the building. I fucking hated hospitals. Hated them. They always made death smell clinical. Bleached. Death wasn’t clean. The real stench of death contained dirt and spit and screams of denial that bubbled like a hot festering pit of fear. Death was dirty and angry, no matter how much they tried to make it clean and peaceful.

  Gilly barely acknowledged us as she led the way, but I could see the subtle trembling of her limbs.

  When we arrived at where we needed to be, she glanced down at her feet and pointed down the small, unmanned corridor. “First door on your left. Howard gave me your number, so I’ll text your phone when you have to leave. The cameras are out for the next five minutes only. The security guards will pick it up when their feed flickers. Do not waste time.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered, my hand resting on her shoulder and causing her to flinch. “I appreciate this.”

  “Don’t tell me what happens in there.”

  “Then don’t ask.”

  Eric took the lead, and I sauntered behind him, the adrenaline making my blood tear through my body. When we got to the door, Eric glanced over his shoulder one last time. “Remember not to kill him the second you see him.”

  “If you’re just here to spoil my fun…”

  “You know that’s not why I’m here.”

  “Right.” I groaned.

  “I mean it, Drew.”