WITHOUT SHAME: Babylon MC Book 4

by James, Victoria L.

  There was a brief pause on the other end of the phone before she answered. “I’ll have Libby drive my truck home. I’ll be outside in five.”

  “I’ll be there in three.”

  I wasted no time in weaving my way back through the streets I knew better than I knew myself, taking the backroads to avoid any traffic. I didn’t want to go back to who I’d been the day before.

  I came to a stop outside Babylon High, and I looked around for her.

  It took another minute, but she appeared with Libby, glancing over her shoulder at me with a bright smile before she handed over her keys and walked toward me.

  “Hey,” she finally said, both of her hands pressing against the gas tank of the Harley as she leaned in to drop a kiss to my lips.

  I grabbed her, cupping both her cheeks in my grip and pulling her close to me. “Hi.”

  Studying my face for a moment, Ayda just took me in. Her smile was still curling the edges of her mouth, but there a small edge of concern there as she lifted a hand and ran her thumb over my bottom lip. “Where do you want to go?”

  “Some backstreet diner where I can sit and look at you without knowing anyone or worrying about who could be watching. Somewhere nobody will find us. Just for an hour. I need some time with you,” I told her honestly, my voice husky and soft. “Please.” I smirked.

  Ayda leaned in close again and brushed her lips against mine in a chaste kiss, her eyes brightening a little as she answered. “I’m all yours.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  AYDA

  I climbed on the back of Drew’s bike without question or fear and pressed myself against him, my arms around his waist, settling against his body. Everything inside of me eased into a state of calm and rightness, as though this was what I’d been missing all this time. Drew put the bike in gear but pressed his hand against mine in warning before he took off. I let myself just be while he navigated us out of Babylon and into the Texas country, where the two-lane highways stretched out to the horizon. I had no idea if he had somewhere specific in mind. I didn’t really care as long as I was with him.

  I’d heard the silent question in his voice the moment I’d answered his call. He was falling too deep into his own head. That he recognized that was a massive step in the right direction, and I would have agreed to anything he’d asked of me then.

  When he finally pulled up outside a tiny, rustic-looking cabin that claimed to be a diner, I slipped off my helmet and looked around at the miles and miles of fields that surrounded us.

  “Did you know this was here?” I asked as he killed the engine.

  “No. Some of the greatest things are discovered at the ends of unfamiliar roads.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “It’s one of the best things about being on the bike.”

  “You’re not lying.” I swung my leg over the bike and stretched out my legs. “I kinda like the feeling of being completely lost with you.”

  I took another look around and saw two older model cars parked at the very back of the small building, which I assumed belonged to the staff. There weren’t even any houses close by, so I could only imagine where they’d come from to get here to work. This little discovery was exciting, but also a little disconcerting. I couldn’t help feeling like a bunch of strange-looking kids were about to wander from the tall plants in one of the fields.

  With that in mind, I held my hand out to Drew and smiled brightly. “You coming?”

  He smirked and shook his head, freeing himself of the bad joke before he raised his brows and climbed off the bike to follow me inside.

  The inside of the place wasn’t how I’d imagined it to be, but I loved that it had the ability to surprise me. When the older gentleman spread his arms in greeting, he told us to sit anywhere we liked, and as always, I sat us in a booth, leaving the seat facing all exits free for Drew to take.

  “Someone will be right with you,” the older gentleman said, delivering two menus to our table. “My daughter is the only waitress, and I’m sure she’s on that phone of hers.”

  “It’s no bother,” I said, smiling up at him. “We’re not in any rush.”

  “Speak for yourself. I need coffee. Or whiskey.” Drew eyed me in a familiar way that I’d missed. “Coffee. Definitely coffee.”

  “Two coffees?” the man asked, his eyes on the set of swinging doors that probably led back to the kitchen.

  “Yes, please.”

  He trotted away and left us alone. I couldn’t do anything but smile as we just stared at one another. I dropped my hands to the menu in front of me and grinned at my fiancé openly. There was no one here to mock us, and I fully intended to take advantage of that. To stare and to talk if he was in the mood to, and that was about all I wanted to accomplish that afternoon.

  “So,” I said lightly, my hand sliding closer to his before I flipped it in invitation.

  He slid his fingers over my palm until he was gripping my wrist and I was gripping his. “You want to know what’s happened to make me ride out here with you?”

  “If you want to talk about it, sure. If not, we can just sit here together and breathe. As long as you’re here, I’m content.”

  “I got a message from beyond the grave today.”

  “In what way?”

  Drew flared his nostrils as he studied me. “In a Harry way.”

  I ran my thumb across Drew’s skin in a calming stroke but kept my eyes on his, afraid to break the lines of communication that suddenly seemed very open between us.

  “What did Harry have to say?”

  “That you had a nice ass and knew how to suck dick.”

  I spluttered out a laugh and covered my mouth with my other hand. “And how would he know that?” I asked, with mock accusation.

  “The first part? Because you wear jeans so tight, they make all the guys stare. It’s been a test to my rage since the moment you walked inside The Hut.” Drew’s smirk grew until it turned into a soft smile. “The second part? Because I spoke about you to him every damn day, and Harry was no fool.”

  “No,” I said, trying to swallow back the emotion as my eyes prickled with the promise of tears. “Harry was no fool. He didn’t suffer them well, either.”

  I pulled my hands back a little and let the tips of my fingers draw patterns on Drew’s palm to distract myself.

  “Was that the entire gift of his wisdom?”

  “Well, he taught me to spell, too. Reminded me that the word smart had no ass on the end of it.”

  “Sounds like Harry.” I blew out a breath and met Drew’s eyes, not missing the twinge of pain that surrounded them. It hadn’t consumed him again, and I was grateful for that, but it didn’t hurt any less to know how much losing Harry had cost him.

  “He also said that I should marry you. That I’ve got one shot to get this right, and even though you love me, you have your limits. I shouldn’t push those.” Drew exhaled through his nose. “I didn’t want to tell him that I’d been pushing that shit since the second I got the phone call saying he’d gone. I know I’ve already said it, Ayda, but this is it. I won’t do this to you again. So, now I have another dilemma on my hands.”

  If Harry had been close, I would have kissed him. My limits probably ran much farther than he could have ever imagined, but he always had known how much Drew meant to me—how much I would live through just to be with him. He also knew how to get Drew’s attention when I couldn’t, and I missed that.

  As Drew’s last words finally sank in, I studied his eyes and lifted my eyebrows in question. “What kind of dilemma?”

  “Do I tell you everything I’ve done since his death, or do I let you believe I’m still the good man we both convinced ourselves I could be after that night in the warehouse?” he whispered. “Do I push you into a corner or do I pull away and let you breathe? ‘Cause I’ve no clue how to go forward now. None. You’re the only thing I never have any answers to because you’re the only thing in my life that can’t be solved by blood, death, violence or power.”r />
  Releasing his hand, I pushed myself out of the booth and moved to his side, kneeling next to him on the bench like I had so many times at Rusty’s. We were the only people inside this tiny place, and the old man hadn’t resurfaced since he’d left, which was fine by me. It gave me a moment to say everything that was in my heart.

  “I need you to understand something. Nothing you say or do will change anything now. I knew who you were when I started falling in love with you. You’d just come out of prison, and you were raw and angry, but I fell in love with you all the same. That night, in the warehouse, you made promises to me, but I made promises to you, too. I promised that I would never judge you for doing what you needed to do to keep yourself and the club safe.”

  Reaching out, I drew one of my hands down his jaw and smiled.

  “I’m not an idiot, I’m not naive, and I’m certainly not blind. You’ve come in almost every night covered in blood that isn’t yours. I don’t need to know what you did to end up like that, but I will always listen if you need me to. I know who you are, Drew. I know the man you are, and I know everything you do has a reason. All I’m asking is you don’t shut me out again. I can endure anything but that.” I leaned in closer and lowered my voice to a whisper. “I trusted you enough to shoot you, remember?”

  He glanced at me with an innocence that looked new on him. “I know you don’t need to know. But what if you did know. Not just with words. Not just with my side of the story. What if I painted the real picture in your head of the things I’d done, Ayda? The things I will do again. It’s not always to keep the club safe. Sometimes I do these things just because I can,” he admitted, his face tensing as his last words came out.

  “It changes nothing.” I looked down at my hands for a second, my heart hammering in my chest as I let my mind travel back to the night behind Rusty’s, that split second of joy when I saw the light leave Jacob’s eyes before the horror that his own brother had murdered him set in. I didn’t care that Jacob had died, not really, and I hadn’t questioned that. I didn’t wonder whether it made me a bad person or immoral. The same applied to what Drew was asking me now. My love for him eclipsed everything else, and I knew what that would cost me in the end, I just didn’t care. I had him.

  Drew raised my chin with a single finger. “You’re a different woman to the first time I met you. In the space of a few months, everything you once thought would turn you green now makes you turn a blind eye. But you’re happier. I see that. I feel the weight of it, too, Ayda. I never want you to go back to being that tired, down and out woman who I took advantage off. I only ever want to do right by you. Even if this life has changed everything when you say it changes nothing. I just can’t deny who I sometimes am anymore. I can’t pretend to be that good guy. I’m too fucked up, too beaten and scarred, with too many wires wired-up wrong in my head to be that. I can’t pretend anymore. I need you by my side, not waiting for me to get home covered in blood on a night. I’m not good when you’re not around.”

  I smiled at him. After everything he’d just said, he probably thought I was insane, but it felt like the right thing to do, and I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d wanted to.

  “When I say it changes nothing, I mean it doesn’t change the way I love you. How visceral and deeply I love you. Of course I’ve changed. So have you. That’s what love does. I just wish you knew that didn’t mean that my expectations will grow into something unrealistic. I know who you are, and I know who I’m becoming. I like who I am now, and if you need me out there by your side, that’s where I’ll be. The difference between who I am now, and who I was when you met me is the way I see the world. I’m just not blind to the darkness now, and that’s liberating.”

  Drew’s eyes continued to search mine, his lips twitching as he held back a weak smile.

  “One question…”

  “Hit me,” I said boldly.

  He pushed his lips to mine, breathing into my mouth. “What the fuck does visceral mean?”

  I laughed against his lips. “It means soul deep, but I think the Webster’s guy would probably slap my wrists.”

  “So, you love me soul deep and deeply? That’s deep, darlin’.”

  “Deeper than deep, asshole.” I chuckled and almost jumped when someone pushed through the swinging doors. A younger woman set the two coffees on the table and mumbled about coming back before she disappeared through the doors again. “I think we made her blush.”

  “Good job she didn’t get here two seconds later.” Drew reached around to give my ass a squeeze, pulling me closer. “I was just about to get all dick-deep with my promises of what I wanted to do to you so badly right now.”

  “How about you tell me before she gets back?”

  “I viscerally think that’s a bad idea. Wait. Did I say that wrong?”

  I laughed and brushed my lips over the shell of his ear before whispering the next words to him. “Don’t really care. After your dick-deep comment, I’m viscerally thinking about you fucking me on your bike.”

  His lips parted, and he blew out a slow, tortured breath. “That’s… visceral.” Drew’s fingers dug into my ass cheek harder, his fingers barely moving against my skin but somehow making promises he didn’t need to verbalize. “Drink your coffee. Order your food. Then leave the rest to me.”

  Every inch of me seemed to burst to life as the promise of what was to come washed over me. My skin pebbled under his fingers and that ache that always started in my lower abdomen when he made advances like this, flared to life.

  “Let’s get our food to go.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  DREW

  The sun was setting as we rode back to Babylon. Ayda’s arms circled my waist, her head resting against my back and her body relaxing into mine. She was sated, and so was I. With one hand controlling the bike, the other was wrapped around her joined hands, my thumb dusting over the skin.

  I took the long route home, weaving carefully along the long and winding roads for as long as possible. My chin was tilted toward the dying sun, and my eyes narrowed behind my dark shades as I got lost in my own thoughts and let the wind drift through the hair on my head and face. If I could have held her this way for eternity and stayed out on the open road for the rest of my life, I would have.

  With her at my back, I could lead us to happiness eventually. I knew I could. I had to.

  After we’d screwed out in the open air, Ayda had fallen against my chest, curled herself into me and begged for us not to go back to The Hut. All our problems were there. We’d gotten into such a fucking mess.

  The Emps.

  The Navs.

  Harry.

  Cancer, murders, and innocent people paying the price for their guilty associations. We had a mayor who wanted us out of Babylon, of that I was damn sure. The ATF were circling. My father was back, making his intentions seem good, unable to fully convince me that he wasn’t here for selfish reasons. Hound Whores were talking, saying we were losing control. My own men looked at me like it was Pete Part Two all over again, a working title, which they’d probably want to call The President Who Didn’t Know How to Lead.

  I didn’t know where to start piecing everything back together and making some sort of security and peace among us all again.

  Babylon felt heavy when I rode back through its streets. Ayda never flinched or said a word. I just held her hand the whole way home until we crawled back through the gates of the yard, and I had to find my spot to park up.

  Killing the engine, I squeezed her hand in mine and glanced over my shoulder.

  “There better not be any drool on my cut, woman.”

  Twisting her smaller hands where they were housed under my palm, Ayda linked her fingers with mine and squeezed. “I’ll let you know when I get the feeling back in my extremities.”

  I huffed out a laugh and peeled her off me, my smile growing at the disgruntled noises she was making and the quiet protests that were falling from her lips. Helping her out, I moved aro
und the bike and quickly scooped her up into my arms, throwing her over my shoulder before I began to march across the yard.

  “Never fear, your hero is here.” Reaching up, I swatted her ass.

  A small grunt fell from her lips, tangled with an amused laugh. “Not helping your cut situation, Mr. Tucker. Oh…” She paused for dramatic effect. “Now it’s rolling a bit.”

  I swatted her ass again, harder this time, squeezing my fingers around her thighs as I headed for the training room.

  “Where are we going?” she finally asked, pressing her hands against my back and pushing herself up to look around us.

  “We’re avoiding responsibilities while being responsible at the same time.” I turned my head and sank my teeth into her ass cheek, smiling around it before I released her from my mouth and pushed through the heavy training room door. “Shit, I’m starting to talk like Harry.”

  I flicked the switch on my right, squeezing my eyes shut as the bright lights buzzed to life.

  This place held a lot of memories for me. Now it was time to make some more with her.

  Dropping her to her feet as carefully as I could, I pushed her blonde hair away from her face, tucked it behind her ears and cupped her cheeks, forcing her doe-eyes to look into mine.

  “Realized I can’t do this shit without you by my side. You’ve already admitted you don’t want to be anywhere else. I know for damn sure you can shoot. I have no doubts about that fire in your belly.” I paused, looking into her with as much love and passion as I could. “Those eyes.” I sighed softly, quickly sucking in another long breath and holding it in my chest for a moment before letting it all free. “I don’t want you just to be my old lady, Ayda. I want you to be able to survive. Even if that means doing it one day without me. I need you to be able to stay alive without weapons because they aren’t always there when you need them. Sometimes, all we have is our instincts, our fists, and our fight. If you’re going to do this, live this life with me, you’re going to be the hottest fucking badass the state of Texas has ever created.”