My Safe Place

by Steph Poe

  "Come on, Tubbs." I clap my hands together to get his attention. He's sniffing around the tree line, ignoring me. I guess he can stay out here investigating whatever scent he's picked up. I turn around and open the door, heading inside to figure out what to do now. It's time to face my future, whatever it entails.

  Chapter 29

  When I open the door, the welcome smell of coffee greets me, improving my deteriorating mood.

  "Good morning."

  I take a moment to appreciate the sight of Cal standing in my kitchen, bare chested with low slung boxers, pouring me a cup of coffee. I watch the way his arms flex as he lifts the pot and slowly pours the liquid heaven into a white mug that reads, "You Rock." Nothing can cheer me up quicker than this man and coffee in a motivational mug. The awful thoughts that were just in my head creep to the very back corners, into the shadows where I can overlook them for now.

  "Morning."

  I walk over and pull out a chair in front of the breakfast bar. He passes me the mug and I pull my hands out of my sleeves so I can grab ahold of it. I bring the cup to my lips and blow on the liquid before taking a rather big gulp.

  "Oh. My. God. That's so good," I moan in satisfaction.

  Cal chuckles and shakes his head. "I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of jealous of that coffee."

  I gaze at his golden brown eyes and offer a smirk. "Really? Jealous of my coffee? And why is that?"

  He walks around the counter and wraps his arm around me and whispers into my ear. "I want to be the only thing to make you moan like that." His lips grab ahold of my earlobe before he playfully bites it with his teeth. His mouth starts to move down my neck. I can't stop the moan that escapes my lips.

  "See, you and coffee can both make me moan equally."

  I feel his hot breath on my neck as he drags his lips lower, moving the neck of my sweatshirt out of the way until he finds my collarbone. His mouth ignites a fire in my core.

  He has this amazing ability to make me forget the shit that I'm dealing with. To make me think of nothing but how his hot breath feels on my skin when he explores every part of me. His mouth moves back up to my neck again and he uses his fingers to push my hair out of the way. His lips hover over my neck, blowing gentle air until they meet my tender flesh.

  It feels wonderful until a flash of last night invades my head. Chris. Leaning over me, pushing me roughly against my car, his hot breath against my neck breathing hateful words.

  "I'm going to ruin you."

  I shudder and pull my body away from Cal, grabbing the back of my neck in an attempt to wipe away the feeling of disgust that his touch reminded me of.

  "No, Cal...I can't." My face falls into my open palms and the tears that had dried start again.

  He pulls away from me, but doesn't go far. He rests his hand tentatively on my back.

  "I'm sorry, babe." His hand moves slowly, up and down my spine in a comforting gesture. "What can I do?"

  Truth is, I don't know if there's anything he can do. In fact, I'm not even sure I can trust him. Those thoughts that were hidden in the shadows of my mind emerge, bright and blinding to me. I can't escape this feeling that something is amiss here.

  How did Chris know about Cal and I? What if...what if Cal was using me? So many 'what if' scenarios clog my brain. None of it makes sense. Why would Chris come back after three years of leaving me alone? I can't stand this. I shrug out of his touch and jump out of my chair, stalking into the kitchen and away from Cal.

  "Lake, what is it?" I can't even raise my face to look at him, afraid of what I'll see there in those captivating brown eyes.

  I push my back against the counter and look at the floor, tears swimming in my eyes and blurring my vision.

  "Did you...," I whisper, barely able to get the words out. "Did you tell Chris...about us?" I sniffle and look up at him, needing to see his reaction. Needing to see his face.

  He starts to walk around the breakfast bar towards me.

  "No, stop!" My hand is raised to stop his forward movement. "Please don't come any closer. Just...just answer the question."

  He looks pained and confused. "Baby, I told you. I haven't see him in ten years."

  "It doesn't make sense, Cal. Why would he come back after three years and try to hurt me again?" I try to wipe the tears that now rain down my cheeks. The effort is futile. The tears keep coming down.

  "I don't know, Lake. He obviously has some real fucked up issues. He could have been stalking you, for all we know. He left that letter at your office. Who knows how long he's been doing this." He stops and I see a flash of hurt on his face before he takes a step back. "Wait. Are you saying...you think...? Do you think this is my fault?" His hand is flat on his chest.

  I shrug my shoulders and bring my sleeve across the tip of my nose to catch the wetness before it can drip onto my shirt.

  "How else would he have known? That night at the bar, he knew! He said your name. He said he didn't know why I was with such an asshole." I feel warmth rise up my neck and face as the anger starts to ignite. "How do I know you guys aren't still doing what you did in college?" I'm so pissed now, thinking about the two of them, plotting to hurt me. Fuck, I can't believe I trusted him. I cross my arms over my chest and try to hold my head up high, staring him down through my tears.

  "Are you kidding me?" I hear anger and disbelief in his voice. "Am I hearing you correctly, because what you're saying is fucking insane."

  I take a step closer to him, trying to get in his face to show him how infuriated I am.

  "You mean, as insane as you and Chris fucking the same girls? Tying them up and taking turns? Yeah, Cal, because that was so completely normal." I'm furious, mostly at myself for trusting him after he lied to me about his college days, but also mad that I let myself believe he had changed.

  He yanks at his hair and turns away from me for a second before spinning back to face me.

  "I told you that I made mistakes back then. I was young and stupid. But I've never, ever done anything like that since then, nor do I want to. Do you honestly think that I would..." A look of disgust crosses his face. "That I would hurt you like that bastard did? Do you think so fucking little of me?"

  I'm bawling now, feeling so confused and hurt. I never thought he would hurt me. But right now, nothing makes sense. Cal came into my life and Chris showed up again. Yes, it could be coincidence, but I'm not so sure. Nothing is making sense to me.

  "I...I don't know, Cal. It just doesn't add up."

  His body is rigid and I can see the tension. His hands are balled up in fists at his sides. I've never seen him so angry. I'm scared. Not that he'll hurt me, but...scared that maybe I'm wrong. That I've made a horribly wrong assumption.

  "You know what, Lake? This...this is fucking bullshit." He raises his hands, pointing at his chest. "You know me. You. Know. Me." He speaks each word with conviction. He reaches out and grabs my shoulders, his eyes searching mine.

  I can't move, can't speak. Whatever he's searching for, he must not find because he turns away from me, abruptly releasing his grasp on my shoulders.

  Facing away from me, he speaks low, so low I barely hear his words.

  "I've done nothing but try to protect you and keep you safe." He turns his head and I stare at his defeated profile. He looks nothing like the strong, confident man I'm used to. "I hope someday you realize what a horrible mistake you've just made. Goodbye, Lake."

  Without another word he walks out the door, taking pieces of me with him. What's left shatters to the floor with my exhausted body, collapsing like a rag doll onto the cold, ceramic tile. My chest tightens and sobs rack my body. I've never felt so empty in my entire life.

  Chapter 30

  Somehow I manage to muster up enough strength to pick myself up off of the floor and drag my weary body to the couch. Placing my swollen face into the soft cushion is somewhat comforting until I've smothered myself and can't breathe.

  Slowly, I raise my head and find Tubbs staring back at m
e. His tongue laps at my face. He's worried about me. Reaching out to pet his fur, my hand feels like it weighs a thousand pounds.

  My movements feel robotic. My body feels numb. My chest feels tight, but empty at the same time. Somewhere in the distance, I hear a beep. I have no idea where my phone is, nor do I care to see who the message is from. I know it isn't Cal, since I screwed that up.

  I wipe my face, trying to clear the wetness from Tubbs's loving kisses. My eyes fall on the front bay window where I see that it's dark outside. Had I fallen asleep? How long have I been out?

  It's a struggle, but I manage to get to my feet. I hear another beep. It's coming from my bedroom. I trudge along, dragging my feet as I make my way to my bed side table where my phone glows at me, like a beacon of hope. Or despair.

  Eight missed calls. Twelve text messages. I stand and stare at the device, dreading what the messages are, but also maintaining a glimmer of hope that they are from Cal.

  I don't even want to deal with my life right now. I want to flop onto my bed and breathe in Cal's scent that I know still lurks on the pillow. Suffocating myself with his clean, woodsy scent may be a pleasant way to go.

  I'm staring at the pillow, ready to dive in and start the smothering process when my phone vibrates. Ashton's name flashes on the screen. She's probably worried about me. Begrudgingly, I pick up the phone.

  Before I can speak, Ashton's panicked voice screams in my ear.

  "Lake! Oh my God, finally! Are you ok? I've been freaking out. I've called you like a hundred times," her words jumble as she rattles on. "Please tell me you're ok? It's not like you not to answer my calls."

  I inhale a deep breath. "I'm okay, Ash. Just had a rough day." I sit down on the edge of my bed and run my fingers through my tangled mess of hair. It feels greasy and like it hasn't been brushed in days.

  "You sound awful. I'm coming over right now. What do you need? Ben and Jerry's? Wine? Pizza?"

  Somehow I manage a grin. "Think I need something stronger than wine."

  "Got it. I'll be there in twenty." I hear her end the call. My phone slips from my hand to the floor and I don't bother to pick it up. Instead I fall into bed, face down into the pillow that smells like Cal. Then I cry all the tears that I have left. All I can think is I've made a huge mistake.

  Chapter 31

  When Ashton gets to my house, I'm still face down on my bed, unable to get up and unlock the door for her. Thank goodness she has a key. I hear Tubbs bark when she opens the door. Then I hear her footsteps enter my room.

  "Oh, fuck. It's worse than I thought." She walks over and sits on the bed with me. Her hand goes to my back and rubs lightly. That makes me cry even harder. She's such a good friend. She's here to save me from my descent into my own darkness.

  "Come on, chick." She pats me on the back twice. "Get up. I've got everything we need right here." She rattles the plastic bags she brought in.

  I groan at her, but manage to turn myself over and look at my friend.

  "What'dya got?" I mumble. Her face is a mixture of pity and sadness when she studies my face. No doubt she's thinking about the last time she saw me like this. Three years ago when the two worst things happened to me.

  She reaches into the first bag and pulls out Ben & Jerry's ice cream. "Got your fave flavor." She wiggles the container. She reaches in and pulls out a bottle of alcohol. It's caramel color. "Thought we could drink this. Much stronger than wine." It's cinnamon whisky. I hate whisky, but I'll take anything at this point. She sets it down on the bed side table. "And these." She holds up a box of tissues. The really good kind, with lotion in them.

  She opens up the box and hands me three. I bring them to my face and wipe my tears away. They're so soft against my swollen, tender skin.

  "Ok. Let me get us a couple of glasses and some spoons and then we'll talk." She jumps up off of the bed and heads to the kitchen.

  When she comes back, we each take a shot of whisky, and then I tell her everything. I tell her every detail of last night, when Chris attacked me at the office. I tell her how Cal stayed with me last night. She listens carefully, letting me get it all out. I tell her how I had wondered who told Chris about me and Cal. I even tell her that I thought it was Cal and maybe he and Chris were working together to hurt me. She looks shocked, but still she listens. Then I tell her about this morning and how I accused Cal of telling Chris. That it was too coincidental that Chris comes back into my life at the same time that Cal became a part of it.

  When I'm finished talking, I pour another shot. I don't sip it. I shoot it back, all in one gulp. The cinnamon whisky burns, but in a welcome way, warming my insides.

  "Lake." I look up at Ash. She looks apologetic. "I'm gonna say something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way, ok? Because you know I love you, right?" Her hand brushes my arm.

  I squint my eyes at her, leery of what's coming next. I nod my head slowly.

  "I think you may have made a mistake."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, I think you let your imagination get carried away." She tilts her head and shrugs.

  "So you don't think it's possible that he could've contacted Chris and told him that he was screwing his ex and 'hey, why don't we share this one like the old days'..." My words trail off and my eyes fall. Oh. My. God. I am fucking crazy.

  "Lake," her voice is filled with sympathy.

  "I'm a fucking idiot. I...I can't even believe this. Cal has done nothing but protect me from Chris. How could I have even thought that he would...Fuck, I'm so screwed up!" I flop back on my stomach and bury my face back into the pillow.

  Ashton rubs my back again. "I mean, I get it, Lake. He did lie to you before, so maybe you had reason to doubt him." She flops onto her stomach and puts her face close to mine, using her fingers to move my hair out of my face. "He loves you, Lake. I know he messed up before, but I think you're wrong about this." My tears start again. I didn't think I had any left, but here they come.

  Ashton stays with me for a while longer, eating our ice cream and talking. By the time she leaves, we have come up with a plan for me to win Cal back. I know I really hurt him with my accusations. It isn't going to be easy, but he's the one. I can't let it end like this.

  Chapter 32

  The next day, I don't go into the office. Ashton insisted that she and Brynna could handle things one more day without me. Plus, she wanted me to be able to execute my plan with no interference.

  I dress casually in jeans and a black, fitted v-neck sweater and knee-high black boots. The weather has finally started to get colder, feeling more and more like fall every day. I add a red infinity scarf for warmth. I give Tubbs a few belly scratches before picking up my purse and the small gift box and heading out to my car.

  I pull onto the interstate and turn up the radio. A song comes on that I love, and somehow it's so appropriate for today. The words speak to my soul. Time to make one last stand for what I want. I sing along with the lyrics, but have to stop because now I feel wetness on my cheeks. I glance in the rearview mirror, reaching up to brush away the tears.

  "Get it together, Lake," I sniffle and take a deep, cleansing breath. I crack the window to let some fresh air inside. I'm scared to death. Will he forgive me?

  When I make it downtown, I take a couple wrong turns purposely, needing more time to think before I see him. After about three detours, I get up the courage to pull into the parking lot next to his studio. I turn off the car, but stay seated. Deep breaths, stay calm, you can do this.

  I check my face in the rearview mirror again. Luckily, I managed to stop the tears before they got out of hand, so my eyes don't look as if I've been crying. Of course, the darkness underneath them isn't as easy to disguise. I reach into my purse for my lip balm and apply some. My hand is shaking as I try to do this. It's now or never.

  I reach over to the passenger seat and grab the small wrapped box. Hesitating only for a moment, I open the door and step out, ready to do this. Ready to face him.
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  I pull on the knob and open the heavy door. I'm hit with the smell of fresh sawdust and the sound of some power tool. He must be working in the back. As I look around the room, my eyes fall to the four poster bed. I feel my cheeks flush when I remember the night we were here, on that bed, getting to know each other.

  "Lake?" I turn my head to the small front office area at the friendly voice.

  "Oh, Margie. Hi." She walks over to me. I'm suddenly more nervous now. What has Cal told her? Does she know what I said to him?

  She grabs me and pulls me in for a hug. As she embraces me, she whispers in my ear, "He's a wreck, dear. I'm so glad you came." She pulls back from me but keeps ahold of my shoulders and gives me a warm, caring smile. It makes me want to weep, because it makes me miss my mom so much.

  "I'm so sorry, Margie. I'm such an idiot—" I keep my eyes on the floor.

  She lifts my chin up gently to look at her. "He wouldn't tell me anything, dear. But I know my son. He's not given up on you yet, and whatever happened can be fixed. Forgiveness is a wonderful and powerful thing."

  Gentle tears slip from my eyes and down my cheeks. Her words are so comforting and I hope to God that she's right.

  "Mom, can you call the—" Cal emerges from the back room. He stops in his tracks when his eyes meet mine. "What are you doing here?"

  Margie releases her hold on my arms. "I'm gonna head next door for some coffee." She walks out and neither Cal nor I take our eyes off of each other. I hear the heavy door close when she leaves.

  "I...I brought you something." I take a few tentative steps towards him. I hold out the small box to him. His eyes don't leave mine for several seconds that seem to stretch on forever. Finally, he takes the box, with obvious hesitation.

  "You didn't need to do this. I don't need a gift, Lake." He holds the box, but he doesn't open it. Instead, he continues to stare at me. His golden eyes are a warm caramel today, beautiful despite the dark circles that lie underneath them.