MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc

by Robert Asprin

  ACTUALLY, IT WAS a pretty feeble ambush. Particularly after the big buildup I had given it. Still, I hadn’t managed to build and maintain the long career I am enjoyin’ by underestimatin’ the opposition... even when they deserve underestimatin’.

  We are still a good ways from the tree, call it a stone’s throw, when, with a snappin’ of twigs and a small shower of leaves, this kid drops onto the trail ahead of us. He lands off balance and ends up on his rump, but he’s game and manages to scramble back to his feet without droppin’ his sword.

  “Tell me again about how we were selling this guy short,” Pookie murmurs to me.

  I give a little shrug, as there is nothin’ else to say.

  I have to admit, the perpetrator does not strike an impressive figure. He’s a short little runt, even with the hat, to a point where his head would maybe come halfway up my chest if I wasn’t wearin’ a disguise. He has the build of a gangly teenager and the grace of a three-legged mule, which he proceeds to demonstrate by gettin’ his sword tangled in his cloak as he tries to brandish it. Despite the spiffy black outfit, I would figure that Spyder could take him and four more just like him without mussin’ her hair.

  “Good day to you, minions of Evil,” he sez, tryin’ to make his voice sound deeper. “I am here to relieve you of your troublesome burden. Your wheelbarrow is laden with monies taxed from the sweat of honest citizens. I will take charge of it from here.”

  Pookie and Spyder are lookin’ at me with raised eyebrows, so I figure it’s my show.

  “I don’t think so,” I sez, foldin’ my arms.

  “Really?” the kid sez, genuinely surprised. “And why not, may I ask?”

  “Well, other than the fact that we outnumber you three to one,” I sez, “there’s the detail that we’re all outside the range of that sword you’re wavin’.”

  “Forgive me,” he sez with a smile. “I neglected to introduce my associate. ‘Nardo!”

  “Perhaps you should count again, soldier,” sez a voice to my right. “And believe me, you’re well within my range.”

  I had marked that particular tree as bein’ the most likely spot to give cover fire from, and I was right. The big guy had eased out from behind it just enough to get a clear shot if he had to, but could still duck back quick if things got rough. He had his crossbow loaded and cocked, all right, but at the moment he had it pointed straight up so we could get a good look at what he was holdin’.

  “Well,” I sez. “I guess there’s only one thing I can say to that. Pookie! Drop the disguises!”

  As I’m sayin’ that last bit, I’m duckin’ behind the wheelbarrow for cover as I pluck my own crossbow from my belt and level it at the kid.

  Pookie and Spyder follow my earlier instructions and hit the dirt, movin’ in opposite directions from where I am, then freeze.

  For several long moments, we hold that tableau without anyone sayin’ anything.

  “Is that you, Guido?” comes a call at last.

  “Got it in one,” I sez. “How’s it goin’, ‘Nardo?”

  “Not as good as it was a few seconds ago,” he sez. “If I had spotted that you were a part of the guard detail, I would have passed on this caper.”

  “It’s called a disguise spell,” I sez. “It comes in handy when one is settin’ up a counter-ambush. Wouldn’t you agree?”

  “I’ll remember that next time... if there is a next time,” he sez. “So what are you doin’ givin’ cover fire on an amateur heist like this?” I sez. “I heard you retired.”

  “Took a baby-sitting job to make ends meet,” he sez. “The baby is the one you’re holding the crossbow on. How about yourself? What brings you to this neck of the woods?”

  “At the moment I’m workin’ an assignment as a Personal Envoy for the Great Skeeve,” I sez. “It seems like you and your ‘baby’ there are a part of it.”

  ‘Nardo is silent for a while as he digests this.

  “That’s the way things are, huh?” he sez at last. “So where do we go from here?”

  “I’d say it’s time for us to talk,” I sez. “You and me. Let’s see if we can come up with a way for everybody to walk away from this one.”

  “Sounds good to me,” he sez. “Let’s do it.”

  He eases out from behind his tree while I stand up from behind the wheelbarrow. Then, movin’ real slow and matching our pace to each other, we each ease sideways. He ends up standin’ next to the kid, and I end up next to Spyder.

  In hindsight, I probably should have gone with Pookie. At the time, however, Spyder was closer. Besides, I knew that Spyder could handle a crossbow because I had helped her learn back in Basic, while I wasn’t sure whether or not Pookie’s high-tech travels had familiarized her with this dimension’s crossbow designs.

  “Okay, Spyder,” I sez, keepin’ my eye on ‘Nardo. “Take my crossbow and cover me. Keep it aimed at ‘Nardo, but stay loose. We should be able to straighten this out without any shootin’.”

  “What’s with all this talking, Guido?” she sez, takin’ the crossbow from me. “You had the drop on them. Why not just finish it?”

  “Take a tip from an old pro, Spyder,” I sez. “If you have a choice between talkin’ and fightin’, always take the talk option. You can still fight if the talkin’ doesn’t work out. If you fight first, it’s too late to talk.”

  I see that ‘Nardo has handed his crossbow to the kid, so I start forward. As I do, I take care to move forward at an angle so I’m not in Spyder’s line of fire and she has a clear shot at ‘Nardo at all times. He does the same, movin slow to meet me at a point where we is both in easy range of the coverin’ crossbows.

  It occurs to me that we each now have a crossbow pointed at us, held by kids what are not all that experienced. This is not a relaxin’ thought, and I find myself wishin’ that I had thought to mention to Spyder that the crossbow she is holdin’ has a hair trigger on it, quite different from the army models she trained with.

  “You’re looking good, Guido,” he sez as we come together.

  “Thanks, ‘Nardo. You’re lookin’ good yourself.”

  Actually, he looks kinda old to me. Even older than when I saw him before he retired. This does not seem like the moment to mention this, however.

  “How’s Nunzio?” he sez. “Are you two still working together?”

  “He’s fine,” I sez. “He’s back at the palace coverin’ the Boss while I’m out here beatin’ the bushes.”

  “Speaking of which, how do you propose we handle this situation?” he sez.

  “First off, I’ve got one question,” I sez. “Does the kid there have any intention of tryin’ to whack the Great Skeeve or otherwise disrupt the current government of Posseltum?”

  “Is that what this is all about?” he sez. “Naw. It’s nothing like that. The kid overspent his allowance and is trying his hand at crime instead of getting a steady job. You know how that goes.”

  “I know the tune, I can fake the lyrics,” I sez, makin’ a face. “In that case, I think we can settle this pretty easily. You see, my specific assignment is to investigate rumored rebel activity, not to go chasin’ highwaymen. If you give me your word that this is not part of a bigger caper, I think we can let the kid walk.”

  “You mean you’ll let him go on hitting the tax collectors?” ‘Nardo sez, surprised.

  “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” I sez. “No, I meant that we won’t take him in for what he’s done so far. Throw a scare into him. Tell him that you got me to back off because we’re old friends, but that if he keeps it up, I’ll come after him for real. If you can’t get him to go straight, at least convince him to pick targets that aren’t tied into the government.”

  “What about the money from the first heist?” he sez.

  “That’s a good question,” I sez. “Is there anything left from that?”
>
  “Not much,” ‘Nardo sez. “Young as he is, the kid knows how to spend money.”

  “Tell you what,” I sez. “I’ll report that the attacks have been stopped. If the Boss wants to send me out to try to recover the loot, that will be a separate assignment. I don’t think he’ll bother, but even if he does, it will give you a big head start. Droppin’ out of sight shouldn’t be too tough. Just get him to dump that silly outfit.”

  “That’s it then?” he sez. “We all just back away and everyone is happy?”

  “It works for me,” I sez with a shrug. “To be honest with you, the Boss... that’s the Great Skeeve... isn’t that much older than the kid there. We’ve gotten into some rough spots ourselves bailin’ him out. It doesn’t bother me at all that we all get off light on this one.”

  “I’m just glad we didn’t have to go sideways to each other, Guido,” ‘Nardo sez. “However it came out, I wouldn’t have liked the results.”

  “I guess that settles it,” I sez. “Good luck to you, ‘Nardo.”

  “And to you, my friend!”

  Before I realize what he’s doin’, he steps forward and sweeps me into the big hug that’s the traditional Mob greetin’ and farewell.

  There’s a soft ‘twang’ behind me and I barely have time to shove him away when something slams into my arm.

  “I DIDN’T MEAN to do it, Guido. Honest!”

  This is maybe the twelfth time Spyder has made this statement. “It’s okay, Spyder. Really.” I sez. “These things happen. It goes with the job.”

  This is the same response I have given each time she has made her declaration. In fact, it is the same, word for word. I have a little trouble comin’ up with original lines or variations when I’ve been shot. Still, Spyder is still upset, so I do my best to calm her down.

  “I mean, I didn’t really mean to shoot,” she sez... again. “He surprised me when he stepped forward like that, and when I shifted to keep him covered, the crossbow just went off.”

  “It’s my fault, really,” I sez, tryin’ to make light of it. “I should have warned you about the hair-trigger. Cheer up. It could have been a lot worse.”

  “You’re right! I could have killed you! Oh, Guido. I’m so sorry.”

  As you can tell, my efforts to calm her down have been less than successful.

  “He knows you’re sorry, dear,” Pookie sez, takin’ a hand. She has been bandagin’ my arm and is now riggin’ a sling. “Why don’t you take a little walk and compose yourself while Guido and I finish up here?”

  “Okay,” Spyder sez, hangin’ her head. She starts to go, then stops with her back to me. “Guido? I really am sorry.”

  She strides off before I can say anything in return.

  “So, what do you think we should do now?” Pookie sez, finishin’ the sling.

  “I’m thinkin’ we head back to the palace,” I sez. “We’ve taken the investigation about as far as we can, so it’s time to check in with the others and get their opinions on what to do next, if anything. Besides, with this ding in my arm I could use a little downtime before I go huntin’ for any more trouble.”

  “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll stay out a while,” Pookie sez. “Maybe keep Spyder with me. She could use a little more seasoning.”

  “Fine by me,” I sez. “If you want, I’ll send along some help. Maybe Nunzio.”

  “That would be great,” she sez. “I think we’ll be hanging around the Sherwood Arms subdivision. See if we can find out anything more about that crew that’s working the game preserve. And Guido?”

  “What?”

  “When you get back to the palace, could you do me a favor? Could you say that I was the one who shot you accidentally, not Spyder?”

  I give her a long look.

  “Why would you want me to say that?”

  “Like you said, it was an accident. It could have happened to anyone who wasn’t familiar with the hair-trigger rig you use... Spyder or me.”

  “Uh huh,” I sez. “So why do you want to make it you instead of Spyder?”

  “You know this is only a temporary job for me,” she sez. “I mean, I enjoy working with this crew, but I figure I’ll be moving along eventually. I think Spyder would like to try to join your crew on a permanent basis once she gets out of the army. Of the two of us, I think it would be better if the accident went on my record instead of hers.”

  “If that’s the way you want it,” I sez.

  Secretly, though, I have my doubts about Spyder as a permanent member of our crew. While I’m not one to hold a grudge, I’ve found in the past I have trouble relaxing around someone who’s shot me. Even if it was by accident.

  IT WAS LATE when I got back to the palace. I probably could have stretched the trip out a bit, but instead I pushed it straight through.

  Investigatin’ the trouble with the tax collectors had been a welcome break from the palace routine, but that was done now... at least, temporarily. Now I found my mind turnin’ once more to the problems at the palace. The more I thought about it, the quicker I walked.

  The Boss was in a spot. He either had to marry Queen Hemlock and help her run the kingdom, or turn her down, in which case she threatened to abdicate and stick him with runnin’ it by himself. The trouble was that the problem involved dealin’ with a woman, which was the Boss’s weak suit. The Great Skeeve might be quick on his feet and faster with his brain when it came to magik, but plain old Skeeve was a babe in the woods where women were concerned. What was more, there wasn’t much I could do as a bodyguard to help him... except maybe seein’ to it that Queen Hemlock didn’t try to whack him if she didn’t like his answer.

  I was still thinkin’ about all this when I finally reached the palace. Luckily, it was late enough that I figured everyone would have gone to bed, so I wouldn’t have to worry about reportin’ in until tomorrow. That would give me time to sort out what I was gonna say, and ensure that I had a clear head when it came to dealin’ with questions. With that in mind, I headed for my room.

  “Back already, Guido?” comes a voice from the shadows. “How did it go?”

  I turn toward the voice as Aahz emerges from the shadows. Now, I have to admit that Aahz is not my favorite member of the team. By this I do not mean he is not capable, as even without his powers he is able to hold his own in a brawl against all comers and is as shrewd and knowledgeable as anyone I have ever met. What keeps me from warmin’ to him is his social skills, or lack thereof. He started out as the Boss’s mentor, and even though that relationship was upgraded to a full partnership, he still tends to lean on Skeeve publicly more than I think is necessary. In fact, his idea of relatin’ to most people ranges from impatient sarcasm to open scorn. While I figured that I’d have to report to him sooner or later, my own preference was leanin’ toward later.

  “Oh. Hi, Aahz,” I sez. “What are you doin’ up so late?”

  “I was just sitting and thinking,” he sez. “Enjoying the night air. Come on over and join me and fill me in on what happened.”

  Not really havin’ much choice, I follow him back into the shadows. There is a wide opening in the wall of the corridor that looks out over the palace’s courtyard... the keep, I think they call it. Aahz sits on the low wall that is there to keep people from fallin’ out, and gestures for me to take a seat next to him.

  “So, what’s the word?” he sez. “Did you find any signs of a brewing rebellion?”

  “Not really,” I sez. “We checked in with the tax boys, and they’ve been havin’ a bit of trouble with havin’ their collectors ambushed. Two different groups, it seems. It sounds to me, though, that it’s more like a couple groups tryin’ for some easy money that an actual rebellion.”

  My eyes are adjustin’ to the dark, and I can see Aahz noddin’ slowly.

  “Tell me more,” he sez.

  “Well, there are a b
unch of guys workin’ out of the Royal Game Preserve,” I sez. “They’re usin’ bows and makin’ hit-and-run guerrilla attacks from the woods and underbrush. I figured that with only the three of us, it wouldn’t be real smart to try to go into the woods after them.”

  “Good thinking.”

  “We did do some askin’ around tryin’ to get a line on them,” I continued, “but everyone clammed up as soon as we raised the subject. We have a theory that the locals are hidin’ them, maybe for a share of the loot.”

  “Interesting,” Aahz sez. “And the other group?”

  “That was just a couple of stick-up artists,” I sez.

  “Was?”

  “Well, we sort of rigged an ambush and drew them out into the open,” I sez. “I don’t think they’ll be botherin’ us again.”

  “Is that where you picked up the arm wound?” Aahz sez. I see his teeth flash in the darkness as he smiles. “How many bodies did you leave behind?”

  Well, I knew I was gonna have to deal with this eventually.

  “None,” I sez. “Actually, all we did was throw a major scare into them. The arm was an accident while Pookie was coverin’ me.”

  “Pookie shot you?”

  “Like I say, it was an accident,” I sez with a shrug. “I passed her my custom crossbow, but forgot to warn her about the hair trigger. If it’s anybody’s fault, it’s mine.”

  There is a long moment of silence, and I think Aahz is buildin’ up to one of his explosions. Then I hear him sigh.

  “She always was a little quick on the trigger,” he sez. “Sorry, Guido. I should have warned you about that before I let her tag along.”

  It occurs to me that this is the first time I’ve heard Aahz apologize to me... or anyone else, for that matter.

  “That’s okay,” I sez, a little off balance. “No real harm done.”

  “When you get a chance, check in with Massha,” he sez. “She should have something in her magik gimmick collection that will speed up the healing on that arm.”