by Nhys Glover
I might've gotten more sleep if I'd bedded down beside Spot. He had a way of comforting me when I most needed it. But instead I'd chosen Zem and the lads to spend this last night with. And, exhausted and strung out as I now was, I didn't regret it.
We spent overlong at breakfast, even though I could keep nothing down. Zem was no better, though some of the other lads seemed to make up for our lack of appetite by devouring everything in sight. I hoped they wouldn't throw it all up at the first sight of blood.
I giggled, imagining vomit raining down on the heads of our enemies. It might be worse than the arrows we'd be shooting. I think I'd prefer an arrow to Koby's vomit all over my face. Yuk! His preference for fishlings for breakfast was well known, and though I had grown up on fishlings, I didn't like the smell of them, especially the half-digested variety. So, aye, give me an arrow any day.
"Your hands are shaking," Zem pointed out.
I looked down at them absently. Huh, so they were. I hadn't noticed. I clamped my fists together. Zem reached over and placed a hand over one fist. I looked at him and saw tender concern written in his dark eyes. He had become as essential to me as breathing in the last moons. And though we had gone no further than kissing, I felt a bond with him that went far beyond friendship.
What if he died? How would I live if he died? Maybe we should just take our airlings and run away now, before it all started. We would be called cowards, but at least we'd be alive.
But, even as the thought came, I dismissed it. I could no sooner run as I could stick a dagger in Airsha's chest. We were with her, no matter what.
"Let's go spend the time we have left with the airlings. That way we'll be ready when the call goes up," I suggested.
"Last minute meeting with the Abs, remember?" Zem pointed out in the same tone he'd used over my shaking hands. Oh aye, I'd forgotten. We were standing in for the Airluds. If anything new was raised we'd pass it on to them. Calun was the leader of our squad. We'd be flying in formation at the back, directly behind Darkin's squad. If there was a safe place to be it was probably where we were, centre rear. But I had a feeling there was no such place as safe.
So we went to our meeting and I made a point of wishing Airsha well. The look of sadness and fear in her eyes as she looked at me told me all I needed to know. She was as afraid as I was, not for herself, but her loved ones. And I was one of those loved ones. It warmed my heart.
Finally, we were free to go to the airlings. Spot looked up as I approached and Storm did the same. These two had taken to being as inseparable as Zem and me. I wondered if they were mated. Was that possible if Zem and I were their human mates?
I didn't know and it didn't matter. All that mattered was that the four of us were a unit. Nothing could separate us. And so, Zem and I sat leaning against our airlings' backs, saying nothing and just let the anxiety flow away.
It didn't last long. The other riders had the same idea as we did. And then the Airluds were with us, giving orders, taking a headcount, and checking the packs for the airlings who would be carrying rocks for Julz.
Now there was another odd character. He reminded me a lot of Zem. Not that he was a counter or planner, or any of that. But he had that single-minded focus that Zem could get when he counted.
When he'd first arrived at the centre, with his weirdly constructed chair on wheels, we'd all thought him crazy. How the blazes did he think he could ride an airling if he couldn't even walk?
But within a quarter turn we were all breaking our backs trying to make it possible for him to do just that. He was so determined, and we couldn't help but be pulled in by it. Every day we failed to make his dream come true we took it personally.
When Airsha had offered him her air magic so he could be in charge of the Rock-Droppers, as we called them, we had all silently cheered. Julz didn't deserve to be turned away. He had the right to a place with us, as much as anyone did. More than some.
I wondered fleetingly where he was. He hadn't been at the meeting. But getting around the rocky outcrop where the Operations Centre was set up would be difficult for anything with wheels. He'd likely been placed at his designated spot ready for his part, and that was where he'd stay until it was all over.
"I'm scared, Zem," I finally admitted, loud enough for only Zem to hear.
"Me too. But we can do this. I have checked and rechecked the plan, counted the steps, and everything is under control. Just count to ten like me. Count ten slow breaths like me. It helps."
I hadn't thought about how Zem counted breaths, or even why. But I was so desperate to calm the panic, I'd do anything. So I began to count my breaths. And when I got to ten I felt a little better. So I counted ten more. Slow and deep, just like Zem did it. And it was better.
Until the cries were heard. Calun, who was passing by making last-minute checks, suddenly doubled over as if someone had punched him in the gut. If he'd had voice he would have cried out like his brothers. I rushed to his side. But Calun was already climbing to his feet, and his brothers must have likewise recovered because they were racing toward us. Calun's mind was in chaos. I didn't have to ask; I heard him loud and clear. Something had happened to Airsha! She needed help. Now!
I followed in their wake as the brothers raced to their tent. I didn't ask how they knew where to go. Calun could find Airsha anywhere. And they all had this weird thing between them where Airsha could cry out for them and, no matter where they were, they could hear her. This was the time it was needed.
Zem and I ran as fast as our legs could carry us, and yet still fell behind. We heard the call go up that the enemy was approaching. We should be with our airlings. The timing for our assault was precise. If it didn't happen right on time we'd miss our one chance of firing fast and randomly, without worrying about our own men getting in the way. But there was no one brave enough to tell the Airluds they needed to get back to their airlings. Airsha was in danger and there was no other place they would be but with her.
What I expected to see when we barged into the tent I don't know. Airsha covered in blood with a betrayer's dagger protruding from her chest? Airsha battling an infiltrator, bloody and faltering? There was none of that. Airsha just lay on the bed, tossing and turning, as if in the throes of a nightmare. She screamed and twisted in agony.
Rama already had her wrapped tight in his arms, but she seemed unaware of him. Unaware of anything but what was going on in her head.
"What's happening to her? Gods, she's burning up!" Rama cried furiously.
Calun had dropped down onto the bed beside them. His thoughts were in chaos. It was like he was trying to get inside Airsha's mind but was being locked out. How was that possible? Hadn't their link opened her mind to them all?
As we milled around helplessly, Kean, the little man with the good hearing, poked his head into the tent, followed a moment later by Beila, one of Airsha's new magical daughters.
"What's going on?" Kean demanded. "The enemy is in sight. They'll be here any time."
"Frag the enemy!" Dark exploded. "Something's wrong with Airsha. She won't wake up. She seems to be dreaming."
"Dreaming?" Kean stepped into the tent and came over to where Airsha writhed in Rama's arms, eyes clamped tightly shut.
"Laric. That little bastard!" Kean swore loudly and colourfully in a range of dialects.
"Laric? The lad who likely informed on us?" I asked, feeling dread settle over me. Not again. Not my fault again.
I heard a whimper and looked over my shoulder at Beila, who was now staring, wide-eyed at Airsha. She was a nice enough girl, for a giant, but she was way too weak for my liking. I had no idea why Airsha had chosen her. There were a dozen other people who would have been better off getting fire magic than her.
"The very one. His magic's a form of torture. All he has to do is make skin to skin contact and he can put anyone into a deep sleep and give them the worst nightmares possible. If their hearts are weak, they can die of it. If their minds are weak, they can go insane. If it goes
on too long, they can die of thirst or starvation. Because they can't be brought out of it. Not until Laric lets them out. To my knowledge, he's never let anyone go."
We all turned back to Airsha, our thoughts in chaos.
"Did he give her a verbal command to sleep?" Darkin asked intently.
"No," Beila said softly. "One touch and people get tired, go to bed, and never wake up from their endless nightmare."
All eyes turned to Beila, who looked ready to dig a hole and bury herself. "That was my brother Laric's magic."
"Those people who got touched didn't have us. Didn't have Calun," Jaron snapped, his eyes wild. "Calun, you have to get in to her. You have to get past whatever the shite this wall is I'm feeling and get in to her."
Outside, we could hear the sounds of an army making ready to fight. There was so little time. Not only were the airling troopers needed, but Airsha was fundamental to the rebel's morale. She had to show herself. Even if she didn't shoot a single lightning bolt down on the enemy, the troops needed to see her standing there on the rocky outcrop.
Calun's panic subsided a little. He glanced at his brothers and nodded. Reluctantly, Rama relinquished his beloved bundle to his brother. Calun lay her down with his arms tightly wrapped around her writhing, struggling body. He closed his eyes, and I heard him talking himself down into that still, silent place Airsha would go when she wanted to connect with the Goddess.
The Goddess! Why had she let this happen? Why hadn't Airsha's Knowing stopped this? If Laric had infiltrated the rebel encampment and managed to get that close to Airsha, why hadn't I seen him? Or Zem? Or any one of the other Abs? Did he have invisibility magic, along with his nightmares?
I couldn't hear Calun's thoughts anymore. That had to be a good thing, didn't it? He must be wherever she was, mustn't he?
I didn't know!
Gods, the enemy was approaching. We were running out of time. And I didn't have a clue what was going on in either Calun's or Airsha's heads.
Chapter Twenty-Four
AIRSHA
The whirlwind swirled ferociously, drawing up four different flights of airlings. Sucking up my husbands as if they were toys an angry child had swept away. How could this be happening? My loves... all my precious loves.
For eighteen long suns I had been a stranger in my own skin, the girl who should have been born a boy, the misfit. And then, when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, they'd found me, loved me, and given me a reason to live. Given me back myself. Told me I was wonderful and perfect just as I was. They loved me, not the Goddess who dwelled inside me. And now... now they were gone.
How could the Goddess have done this! Was it not enough that she took Trace from me? Were we just game pieces she moved around to suit herself, and then threw away when our usefulness was over?
Gods! I thought my father was a bastard. But he was nothing compared to Her. I hated Her! And if She wanted me to be Her Goddess Incarnate then She had another think coming. I would no longer be Her wagon, Her container, Her whore! I was finished!
I felt my fury swirling around me as wildly as the whirlwind. The beastling inside me was free for the first time, and it wanted blood!
Gods, it hurt! The pain was unbearable. Take my father cruelty and brother's betrayal, add Trace's death, and then multiply it by a hundred, a thousand, and it would still not equal this agony. Strip my skin off, piece by agonising piece, and it would still not come close to the pain I was feeling now.
'Airsha!'
I heard my name as if it came from a long way away. Turning, I looked for the source of the voice that called me. It sounded so familiar. Who would be calling me in the middle of this cesspool of death? Everyone I loved was gone. How could I hear a voice that was so belovedly familiar if they were all gone?
'Airsha!' It came again.
Please Goddess, who was that?
I stared off in the direction I thought the voice was coming from. I saw a shadow, an outline. Someone was coming towards me through the turmoil and the pain. The battle raged on around us, but whoever was coming seemed untouched by it. Holding my breath, I hoped against hope that, if this was a ghost, it would remain with me. Because even a ghost of what I'd had was better than nothing.
'Airsha, it's me, Calun,' the blurry outline said.
"Calun? Calun, is it really you? But I saw you get pulled into that thing... that whirlwind. Rama used to call me a whirlwind dragging him in. Now I know what he meant."
He was there with me then, his oh-so-beloved face and form in front of me. But his smile was tight with worry. Worry for me.
"How are you here?" I asked, almost whimpering. I desperately needed to touch him but was afraid to. Afraid that if I did reach out to him I would discover he was an illusion, a figment of my grief-stricken imagination.
'This isn't real, My Heart. You are caught in a dream... A nightmare of your worst fears. It is the magic of the lad who informed on Trace. Laric is his name. Do you remember Flea telling us about him?'
I shrugged, finding it hard to believe what he was telling me. Just a nightmare? It was certainly that. But it was so real. How could it not be real?
'Do you remember Flea telling us about Laric? The lad who betrayed Trace and the Abs? His magic puts a person into a nightmare they can't awake from. He did that to you. Can you remember seeing a lad this morning? Before all this started? He would have touched you briefly.' Calun was so close now I could touch him, and I tentatively did just that, while the sounds of war thundered on around us.
I tried to think. What was he asking? A lad called Laric. I knew of no such lad. But I did remember a dark-haired soldier who gave me a drink. His fingers had touched mine as he handed me the cup. But what did that matter?
My fingers, on the other hand, met cloth and hard muscle under it. Gods, he was real! Calun hadn't died. He was still here.
"Are the others alive, too? How did you escape the whirlwind? It took all the airlings. Every last one."
'No, My Heart, it did none of that. The battle has yet to start. But we need you. You have to fight this dream and come back to us before it's too late. Without you, we can't fight; without you, the rebels will lose their heart. We need you to win this battle. Win this war. Come back to us. This is not real. None of this is real.'
I clung to him, knowing the beloved scent of his skin, the warmth of his body, the familiar sense of him inside my mind. But I couldn't be inside his mind. Why not? Was he blocking me?
I focused, trying to get to him. In a blinding flash I was there, inside him, seeing through his eyes. Seeing us lying on our bed, with me cradled against him while I writhed in agony. As I dreamed my worst nightmares. Outside the battle was about to start. I was needed. My men were needed. There was no whirlwind, or whatever I'd manufactured to terrify myself.
Looking out of his eyes, I saw the nightmare again from his perspective. It wasn't real. I had watched this same scene replay, time and time again. Always the same. Each time I raged more and more hysterically at the Goddess. And that was exactly what the bastard wanted. He wanted me to turn against that other part of me. The magical part of me. Because without it we were all lost!
The scene began to fade. The noise receded. I felt Calun's arms tight around me, the soft pallet beneath me. I smelled the scent of sex on the bedding. Last night I had loved all my husbands in this bed to reaffirm our bond. They were here with me now, watching over me as Calun fought to bring me back.
I opened my eyes and stared around me as if waking from a bad dream. Quite literally. I heard indrawn breaths, a sob and swearing. And I smiled. Oh, yes, I was back with those I loved. The Goddess hadn't betrayed me. They lived!
In the next moment, I was buried under four heavy bodies, all frantic to touch and kiss me and assure themselves I was alive and well. Laughing, I pushed at them to let me up. There would be time for this later. The war needed to end today. How could that happen if we were here rolling around in our bed?
"I'm all right. But I
won't be if we don't all get back to our jobs. The Godling cannot be allowed to win. Not today. Not ever!"
Reluctantly, they stood up, eyes brimming with tears. Mine were too, but I blinked them away. I had just spent a nightmare of endless time crying for the loss of them, now I just wanted it over. I would cry later.
"Come on, the Goddess wants Her war won. Let's do that for Her," Darkin said, standing up to his full height. Then, with a nod in my direction, he took off. His brothers followed on his heels, along with Zem and Flea. All but Calun, who paused at the tent flap to check one more time that I was well.
"Thank you, my love. Thank you for finding me and bringing me back," I said, my voice rough with the tears I refused to shed.
'No need to thank me. I will always find you. We are bound together by more than our hearts, you and I. Our souls are one.'
I knew he was right. I felt it at my very core. I had known it for a long time.
"Go win me a war, my soul," I said with a gentle smile.
He bowed his head and disappeared out through the flap.
Drawing in a deep breath, I brought the scattered pieces of myself back together. I had my own part to play. People were depending on me.
"Airsha, I am so sorry," Beila said, surprising me.
I had thought myself alone. For such a large person she had an amazing ability to blend in to the background. I hadn't even realised she was in the tent with us.
"For what? You didn't do anything." I didn't want to be dealing with Beila's last-minute fears now. The nightmare was still too fresh, and I was washed-out with too much emotion.
"Laric. Laric is my brother. I... I saw him here a few days ago and he told me he was an Ab. I hadn't seen him with the other Abs, but I believed him because there was no other reason he'd be here. Or so I thought. But he did this to you. If I'd known what he was planning to do I would have... I would have told you. I didn't know. I promise you, I didn't know what he was going to do." Her words came out in a panicked rush and fat tears were streaming down the girl's wretched face.