Michaela's Choice

by Lisa Harris

  Ruby stopped and looked up into Michaela’s eyes. “If you like Christmas, then why does your face look so sad?”

  Michaela took a deep breath, wishing her feelings weren’t so transparent. She ruffled Ruby’s hair. “I had a little girl who would have been about your age. She and her daddy died in a fire on Christmas Eve.”

  Ruby’s eyes narrowed. “Then this Christmas, maybe we can help make you happy again.”

  Michaela smiled as each of the girls took one of her hands, seemingly trying to comfort her.

  “Our mother died when I was born,” Ruby said as the three of them slowly walked back to the house together. A gentle wind blew, rustling the leaves in the trees. “Father’s always sad on my birthday.”

  “I know she loved you.” Michaela knelt down and faced Ruby. “For nine months, she carried you inside of her and dreamed about what you would look like, what you would become someday.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  They were silent for a moment until Sarah spoke again. “We’d better go back to the house. I just saw Father go inside. It’s time for the sing-along.”

  ❧

  Michaela ran her limber fingers across the keys, enjoying a final chorus. Her high soprano voice and Eric’s deep bass blended with the children’s voices, which rang with energy and enthusiasm. Even the boys, who hadn’t seemed excited about the idea, looked as if they were enjoying the singing.

  “It’s going to be dark before long.” Eric slapped his hands against his thighs and pulled Ruby against his side. “This has been wonderful, Michaela. Thank you.”

  There were groans of protest from the children until they saw their father’s stern look, reminding them he meant what he said. “I’ll be happy to take you home, Michaela.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” Michaela stretched out her fingers, then tilted her head from side to side to loosen some of the muscles in her neck.

  “It’s no problem at all.” Eric grabbed his coat from the hook beside the door. “Honey can follow behind the wagon.”

  “All right then.” Michaela put on her coat and said good-bye to the children before following him outside.

  “It’s beautiful out tonight.” Sitting next to Eric in the wagon, Michaela watched as the last sliver of sun sank into the horizon. “I remember sunrises with my grandfather. We would sit on one of the rocks along the beach until the sun made its appearance over the ocean.”

  “I miss the ocean.” There was a wistful tone to Eric’s voice. “It used to be one of my favorite places. Someday I want to take the children to the coast and show them the ocean.”

  “They’d love that.” Michaela’s spirits brightened at the idea. “Come to Boston. I’ll be there and can show them around.”

  They rode in silence for a moment as a mass of stars took their places with the full moon in the sky.

  After a few minutes, Eric spoke. “How long do you plan to stay in Cranton?”

  “I’ll go back to Boston after the baby is born and Emma’s back on her feet. Probably just a few more weeks now.” The slight tug of disappointment returned.

  “What do you want to do when you go back?”

  “I’ll continue teaching piano for a while—”

  He shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”

  She turned and looked at him, her brows raised in question. “What do you mean?”

  “I know it’s really none of my business, but while you seem so good at taking care of others, I wondered what your dreams are.”

  It was something she’d never thought about. Two years ago, she’d known exactly what she wanted. She loved being a mother and a wife. But all of that had changed. How could she even begin to understand what she wanted out of life?

  When she didn’t answer, Eric gently slapped the reins, his gaze seemingly lost in the distant horizon. “After my wife died, I felt so out of control. All my time and energy went into working the farm and caring for the children—until finally I realized if I didn’t take care of myself, both emotionally and spiritually, I wouldn’t be able to do anything after a while. All I want to say is that it’s all right to think about what your own needs are.”

  The words seemed to pierce straight through her soul. She regularly turned to God, full of requests and needs, but wasn’t there supposed to be so much more to her relationship with her heavenly Father? When was the last time she’d studied her Bible? What about times of worship and adoration? She suddenly realized how empty she was spiritually. Could the fact that she’d been neglecting her relationship with God be the reason she felt both spiritually and emotionally drained? It seemed so simple, but somehow she’d missed it.

  “ ‘O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker.’ ” Michaela spoke the words from the Bible aloud, barely more than a whisper.

  Eric must have heard her quiet voice. “One of David’s psalms?”

  Michaela nodded and clasped her hands in front of her. “You know, you’re right. I’ve been so busy trying to stay busy, it seems my prayers have become nothing more than one-sided requests when I’m hurting or needing something. I can’t remember the last time my heart was full of praise and worship.”

  Eric slowed the horses as they came to the top of a slight ridge and started down the other side. “That’s an essential part of our relationship with Christ and in our healing.”

  Michaela unfolded her hands and played with the folds of her skirt. A light snow had begun to fall. She watched a flake land on the material, then slowly melt. “It’s still so hard. I want to forget the past, and I’m good at staying busy so there isn’t time to think. Losing Ethen and Leah was the hardest thing that ever happened to me.”

  “Psalm 47 says, ‘He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.’ ”

  Daniel and Emma’s frame house appeared in the distance. In the past few months, it had become a haven of safety for her, but she had neglected to let Christ be her true refuge. Eric had reminded her of something she’d ignored in her life, and she knew she couldn’t just leave it at that.

  Eric stopped the horses in front of the house. “I really enjoyed spending the afternoon with you.”

  “Thank you for such a wonderful afternoon, Eric.”

  Eric jumped down from the wagon and hurried to the other side, where he helped Michaela down. As her foot hit the ground, she lost her balance and fell against Eric’s chest. She looked up into his eyes, and before she knew what was happening, his lips met hers.

  For a moment, she felt herself responding.

  “No!” She pushed herself away, still feeling the burning sensation on her lips.

  “I’m sorry.” Eric looked down at her. “I didn’t plan to kiss you, Michaela. It just seemed so natural.”

  “It’s not that; it’s just…”

  Questions flashed through her mind as she tried to stop the panic rising in her throat. What about Philip? She started to slowly back away from Eric.

  “Wait, Michaela.” Eric gently brushed a snowflake off the end of her nose. “Tell me the truth, Michaela. Is it just me, or do you feel something as well?”

  Michaela took a deep breath, trying desperately to make sense out of her jumbled emotions. She knew she felt a strong physical attraction to Eric, but was there something more? Something deeper?

  No! I’m going home to Philip.

  “Is there someone back in Boston?” He glanced down at his boots. Swallowing hard, he looked off to one side, clenching his jaw and waiting for her response.

  “No…Yes!” Michaela’s eyes were wide with confusion as she looked at Eric. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “Neither was I.”

  “There is…” I have to tell him the truth. I have to tell him about Philip.

  Michaela searched for the right words, but something held her back. Her mind spun out of control. She couldn’t think clearly. She had to get inside the house.

  “Maybe I�
��m wrong.” Eric drew a deep breath. “I thought there was something between us. I apologize. It just all seemed so real today with you and the kids, and the ride home. Then when I kissed you…”

  “I’m sorry.” Michaela wiped away a tear with the back of her hand, turned around, and ran toward the house.

  Daniel and Emma were sitting on the sofa and talking when Michaela burst into the parlor. “Daniel, would you please put Honey into her stall?” Michaela hurried into her room and threw herself on the bed.

  What was the matter with her? How could she have reacted this way over a kiss? And more importantly, why hadn’t she told Eric the truth?

  If deciding to marry Philip was supposed to simplify her life, why did things suddenly seem so complicated? Marrying Philip was the right decision. But if that were true, why had Eric’s kiss turned her heart, and maybe her life, upside down?

  ❧

  Eric dug the pitchfork into the loose hay, trying to get his mind off Michaela—something he hadn’t been able to do for the past two hours. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve and sighed.

  Michaela Macintosh.

  She had captivated him from the moment he first laid eyes on her. These last few weeks, he found himself thinking more and more about this woman who had come into his life. He loved the way she worked with the children and her willingness to teach them piano.

  She was beautiful, too. He had found himself watching her and wondered if she noticed. He loved how she constantly pushed back the stray lock of hair that always fell in her eyes and how her eyes crinkled when she laughed. When he accidentally brushed next to her, her skin was soft against his arms, and he couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to hold her.

  Then tonight, when he kissed her, he realized he loved her. He had known for a long time now that he missed her when she was gone, and when they were together, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Yes, he knew now that he loved her, but how could he have been so wrong about her feelings toward him?

  Eric scooped up another mound of hay and added it to the pile. He had begun to think she was the one God had brought into his life to make him whole again—a second chance at love. He was lonely and knew he wanted to marry again, but it had to be someone who loved the children and whom the children loved as well. After today, it had all seemed so clear. How could he have been so wrong?

  The barn door creaked open, and Rebecca stepped into the light of the lantern.

  “Rebecca.” Eric leaned against the pitchfork. “Is something wrong?”

  She shook her head and walked toward him, pulling her coat closer around her. “No, I saw the light and thought you must be home. What are you doing?”

  He followed her gaze to the two piles of hay. He’d worked for an hour and done nothing more than move the pile a few feet to the right. He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t sleep.”

  Rebecca stifled a yawn and sat down on a packed bale of hay. “What happened with Mrs. Macintosh?”

  Eric closed his eyes briefly, cringing inwardly at the memory. “I kissed her.”

  Shadows dancing across Rebecca’s face revealed a smile. “That’s wonderful.”

  He shook his head and set the tool against the wall before coming to sit beside her. “It was supposed to be.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Eric leaned back against the barn wall and sighed. “I thought you were the one who was supposed to come to me about relationships.”

  “Talking helps. That’s what you’ve always told me.”

  Eric closed his eyes again, but all he could see was Michaela standing in front of him. “I don’t know, Rebecca. I must have totally misread her.”

  “I’m sorry. I, well, all of us kids really like her.” She reached out and took his hand. “I just want you to be happy, Father.”

  Eric squeezed his daughter’s hand, then stood and picked up the pitchfork again. “Go on to bed. I’ll be in later.”

  He watched as his daughter slipped out of the barn and headed toward the house. He’d allowed her to shoulder far more responsibility than a young woman should have to deal with. All this time he’d thought he’d been handling things fine without a wife, but instead, he’d unknowingly placed a large burden on his daughter.

  He needed Michaela. His family needed Michaela. And if he was right, Michaela needed them. If she could just find a way to let go of the past, then maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to take another chance at love—with him.

  Eleven

  Michaela rose early the next morning, after a restless night. She would see Eric at church today and dreaded facing him after last night’s scene. What a fool she had been. Why hadn’t she just told him about Philip?

  Needing to talk to someone, Michaela fixed a breakfast tray for Emma, then knocked gently on her door.

  “Good morning.” Michaela entered the room. Emma sat snuggled under a thick quilt reading a book. “Are you hungry?”

  “You’re just in time. I’m starving.” Emma set the book down and pushed her long braid off her shoulder.

  Michaela placed the tray on the small table beside the bed and handed Emma the steaming plate. “I’m sure glad food doesn’t turn your stomach anymore.”

  “Me, too, except now that I can eat, I can’t get out of bed.” Emma laughed and took a small bite of eggs.

  “Is Daniel out working already?” Michaela walked to the window and looked out across the white snow that glistened in the morning sunlight. “His breakfast is on the stove.”

  “Daniel’s been up for hours. I don’t know how he always manages to get going so early.”

  Michaela rubbed her hands together, then turned to face Emma. “Can I talk to you about something?”

  “Of course. What is it?”

  “I spent half the night thinking and praying. I had such a nice time yesterday afternoon with Eric and the kids. We ate a delicious lunch Rebecca fixed, then had a sing-along.” The knot in Michaela’s stomach grew, and she paced the short side of the room. “On the way home, he brought up some things that really challenged me spiritually. Things I needed to hear.”

  “I’m not sure I see what the problem is.” Emma took a drink of her milk before setting it back on the tray.

  “He kissed me.”

  “Oh.” Emma set her fork down and gave Michaela her full attention.

  Michaela took several more broad steps across the room. “Last night I lay in bed and all I wanted to do was take the next train away from here.”

  “Did you tell him about Philip?”

  Moving back to the side of the bed, Michaela sat beside Emma, her gaze fixed on the dark brown sheen of the hardwood floor. “That’s the problem. I didn’t tell him.”

  “You didn’t tell him!” Emma’s voice rose slightly. “Why not?”

  Michaela stood again, knowing there could be no excuse for her behavior. She had to tell him the truth, but the very thought of telling him made her stomach turn. She didn’t want him to think she’d purposely deceived him. It hadn’t been that at all.

  She ran her hands down the sides of her dress, wiping away the moisture. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell him. I keep asking myself that same question over and over. When he kissed me, I couldn’t think.”

  “He deserves the truth, Michaela.”

  “I know.”

  Emma set her plate on the tray and pulled the covers over her swollen abdomen. “Could it be you have feelings for Eric and don’t want him to know about Philip?”

  Michaela inwardly winced at the question, trying to disregard any truth to the notion. “The time I’ve spent with Eric and his children has been wonderful, but…”

  “And now?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head. “Philip loves me, and I belong in Boston with him. I’m going to marry Philip.”

  Michaela stood up and walked back to the window. Whatever her feelings toward Eric and his children, nothing could erase the mist
ake she’d made. Why hadn’t she told Eric about Philip? All along there had been plenty of opportunities.

  “Come and sit down.” Emma patted the top of the quilt beside her and Michaela complied. “Eric’s the kind of man any woman would be blessed to have for a husband, and he cares about you. I know I shouldn’t say this, but be careful about closing the door unless you’re sure. If you really are in love with Philip, then that’s wonderful, but just make sure you’re not marrying Philip because it’s convenient and safe. Don’t do something you’ll regret later on.”

  Michaela fought against the wisdom of her sister-in-law’s advice. “It’s true that I don’t love Philip the same way I loved Ethen, but I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much as Ethen. Philip loves me. We’ll have a good life together.”

  Emma bit her lip, and it was obvious to Michaela she wanted to say more. Needing to be alone with her thoughts, Michaela stood and went to the door. “I’d better get ready for church. Do you need anything else?”

  “No, but come and talk to me anytime you need to.”

  Michaela turned around, her hand against the doorknob. “Thank you.”

  ❧

  Michaela looked for Eric as she sat down on the pew next to her brother. All the Johnson kids were there except Ruby, and there was no sign of Eric.

  The service began, and after singing two songs, the minister stood before the congregation.

  “ ‘If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.’ ” He began the morning’s sermon, quoting from John 8:36.

  Michaela forced herself to concentrate on the lesson, but the memory of Eric’s hurt expression the night before continued to haunt her.

  As soon as services were over, Michaela followed Daniel out to the wagon without getting a chance to talk to the Johnson children. He hated to leave Emma even for a short amount of time and wanted to hurry back to the house. Michaela sat silent for the first five minutes, thinking only of the words from the sermon.

  “I think starting next week I’ll let you ride to church alone,” Daniel said as they passed the town cemetery and rode into the shadows of the covered bridge. “Emma’s due date is right around the corner, and I don’t want anything to happen while I’m gone.”