The Number of the Beast

by Robert A. Heinlein

  “You may be right. If so, it would not be the first time Gay has kept me alive. You have not seen all her talents.”

  “I’m beyond being surprised. So far as I could see you didn’t tell her to land at Logan.”

  “Logan seems to be the next most likely place for a reception committee. Who in Logan knows that you and your father were going to visit Hilda?”

  “No one, through me.”

  “Mail? Milk cartons? Newspapers?”

  “No deliveries to the house, Zeb.” She turned her head, “Pop, does anyone in Logan know where we went?”

  “Doctor Carter, to the best of my knowledge, no one in Logan knows that We left. Having lived many years in the buzzing gossip of Academe, I have learned to keep my life as private as possible.”

  “Then I suggest that you all ease your belts and sleep. Until ten minutes before reaching Logan there is little to do.”

  “Doctor Carter—”

  “Better call me Zeb, Pop. Get used to it.”

  “‘Zeb’ it is, son. On page eighty-seven of your monograph, after the equation numbered one-twenty-one in your discussion of the rotation of six-dimensional spaces of positive curvature, you said, ‘From this it is evident that—’ and immediately write your equation one-twenty-two. How did you do it? I’m not disagreeing, sir—on the contrary! But in an unpublished paper of my own I used a dozen pages to arrive at the same transformation. Did you have a direct intuition? Or did you simply omit publishing details? No criticism, I am impressed either way. Sheer curiosity.”

  “Doctor, I did not write that paper. I told Deety so.”

  “That is what he claimed, Pop.”

  “Oh, come now! Two Doctors Zebulon E. Carter on one campus?”

  “No. But that’s not my name. I’m Zebadiah J. Carter. Zebulon E.-for-Edward Carter and called ‘Ed’ is my cousin. While he is probably listed as being on campus, in fact he is doing an exchange year in Singapore. It’s not as improbable as it sounds; all male members of my family have first names starting with ‘Z.’ It has to do with money and a will and a trust fund and the fact that my grandfather and his father were somewhat eccentric.”

  “Whereas you aren’t,” Hilda said sweetly.

  “Quiet, dear.” I turned toward Deety. “Deety, do you want to be released from our engagement? I did try to tell you that you had trapped the wrong bird.”

  “Zebadiah—”

  “Yes, Deety?”

  “I intend to marry you before this night is over. But you haven’t kissed me. I want to be kissed.”

  I unfastened my seat belt, started to unfasten hers, found that she had done so.

  Deety kisses even better than she tangos.

  During a break for oxygen, I asked her in a whisper: “Deety, what do your initials stand for?”

  “Well…please don’t laugh.”

  “I won’t. But I have to know them for the ceremony.”

  “I know. All right, Dee Tee stands for Dejah Thoris.”

  Dejah Thoris—Dejah Thoris Burroughs—Dejah Thoris Carter! I cracked up.

  I got it under control after two whoops. Too many. Deety said sadly, “You said you wouldn’t laugh.”

  “Deety darling, I wasn’t laughing at your name; I was laughing at mine.”

  “I don’t think ‘Zebadiah’ is a funny name. I like it.”

  “So do I. It keeps me from being mixed up with the endless Bobs and Eds and Toms. But I didn’t tell my middle name. What’s a funny name starting with ‘J’?”

  “I won’t guess.”

  “Let me lead up to it. I was born near the campus of the university Thomas Jefferson founded. The day I graduated from college I was commissioned a second looie Aerospace Reserve. I’ve been promoted twice. My middle initial stands for ‘John.’”

  It took not quite a second for her to add it up. “Captain… John… Carter—of Virginia.”

  “‘A clean-limbed fighting man,’” I agreed. “Kaor, Dejah Thoris. At your service, my princess. Now and forever!”

  “Kaor, Captain John Carter. Helium is proud to accept.”

  We fell on each other’s shoulders, howling. After a bit the howling died down and turned into another kiss.

  When we came up for air, Hilda tapped me on a shoulder. “Would you let us in on the joke?”

  “Do we tell her, Deety?”

  “I’m not sure. Aunt Hilda talks.”

  “Oh, nonsense! I know your full name and I’ve never told anyone—I held you at your christening. You were wet, too. At both ends. Now give!”

  “All right. We don’t have to get married—we already are. For years. More than a century.”

  Pop spoke up. “Eh? What’s this?” I explained to him. He looked thoughtful, then nodded. “Logical.” He went back to figuring he was doing in a notebook, then looked up. “Your cousin Zebulon—Is he on the telephone?”

  “Probably not but he lives at the New Raffles.”

  “Excellent. I’ll try both the hotel and the university. Doctor—Son—Zeb, would you be so kind as to place the call? My comcredit code is Nero Aleph eight zero one dash seven five two dash three nine three two Zed Star Zed.” (Zed Star Zed credit rating—I was not going to have to support my prospective father-in-law.)

  Deety cut in. “Pop, you must not call Professor Carter—Zebulon Carter—at this hour.”

  “But, my dear daughter, it is not late at night in—”

  “Of course it isn’t; I can count. You want a favor from him, so don’t interrupt his after-lunch nap. ‘Mad dogs and Englishmen.’”

  “It isn’t noon in Singapore; it’s—”

  “—siesta time, even hotter than noon. So wait.”

  “Deety is right, Pop,” I interrupted, “but for the wrong reasons. It doesn’t seem to be a matter of life and death to call him this minute. Whereas it might be a matter of life and death—ours, I mean—to make a call from this car…especially with your credit code. Until we find out who the Boys in the Black Hats are, I advise that you place calls from the ground and from public phones that you can feed with newdollars instead of your code. Say a phone in Peoria. Or Paducah. Can it wait?”

  “Since you put it that way, sir—yes, it can wait. Although I have trouble believing that anyone wishes to kill me.”

  “Available data indicate it.”

  “Agreed. But I have not yet grasped it emotionally.”

  “Takes a baseball bat,” said Hilda. “I had to sit on him while Jane proposed to him.”

  “Why, Hilda my dear, that is utterly unfactual. I wrote my late beloved a polite note saying—”

  I let them argue while, I tried to add to available data. “Gay Deceiver.”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “News, dear.”

  “Ready, Boss.”

  “Retrieval parameters. Time—since twenty-one hundred. Area—California, Nevada, Utah. Persons—your kindly boss, dear. Doctor Jacob Burroughs, Doctor D. T. Burroughs, Miz Hilda Corners—” I hesitated. “Professor Neil O’Heret Brain.” I felt silly adding “Brainy”—but there had been a row between Pop and him, and years earlier my best teacher had said, “Never neglect the so-called ‘trivial’ roots of an equation,” and had pointed out that two Nobel prizes had derived from “trivial” roots.

  “Parameters complete, Boss?”

  Doctor Burroughs touched my shoulder. “Can your computer check the news if any on your cousin?”

  “Mmm, maybe. She stores sixty million bytes, then wipes last-in-last-out everything not placed on permanent. But her news storage is weighted sixty-forty in favor of North America. I’ll try. Smart Girl.”

  “Holding, Boss.”

  “Addendum. First retrieve by parameters given. Then retrieve by new program. Time—backwards from now to wipe time. Area—Singapore. Person—Zebulon Edward Carter aka Ed Carter aka Doctor Z. E. Carter aka Professor Z. E. Carter aka Professor or Doctor Carter of Raffles University.”

  “Two retrieval programs in succession. Got it, Zeb.”r />
  “You’re a smart girl, Gay.”

  “Boss, I bet you tell that to all the girls. Over.”

  “Roger, Gay. Execute!”

  “AP San Francisco. A mysterious explosion disturbed the academic quiet of—” A story ending with the usual claim about an arrest being expected “momentarily” settled several points: All of us were believed dead. Our village top cop claimed to have a theory but was keeping it mum—meaning that he knew even less than we did. Since we were reported as “presumed dead” and since the news said nothing about an illegal lift-off and other capers that annoy sky cops, I assumed tentatively that police radar had not been looking at us until after we had become just one more blip behaving legally. The lack of mention of the absence of Gay Deceiver did not surprise me, as I had roaded in and had been last or nearly last to park—and could have arrived by taxi, public capsule, or on foot. Doctor Brain was not mentioned, nothing about the row. Guests had been questioned and released. Five cars parked near the, explosion had been damaged.

  “Nevada—null retrieval. Utah—UPI Salt Lake City. A fire near Utah State, University campus in Logan destroyed—” “Blokes in Black Hats” again and Deety and her Pop were dead twice over, as they were presumed to have been overcome by smoke, unable to escape. No one else hurt or missing. Fire attributed to faulty wiring. “End of first retrieval, Zeb. Second retrieval starting.” Gay shut up.

  I said soberly, “Pop, somebody doesn’t like you.”

  He groaned, “Gone! All gone!”

  “No copies of your papers elsewhere? And your…gadget?”

  “Eh? No, no!—much worse! My irreplaceable collection of pulp magazines. Weird Tales, Argosy, All-Story, the early Gernsbachs, The Shadow, Black Mask—Ooooooh!”

  “Pop really does feel bad,” Deety whispered, “and I could manage tears myself. I taught myself to read from that collection. War Aces, Air Wonder, the complete Clayton Astoundings—It was appraised at two hundred and thirteen thousand newdollars. Grandpop started it, Pop continued it—I grew up reading them.”

  “I’m sorry, Deety.” I hugged her. “They should have been microfiched.”

  “They were. But that’s not having the magazines in your hands.”

  “I agree. Uh, how about the…thing in the basement?”

  “What ‘Thing in the Basement’?” demanded Sharpie. “Zebbie, you sound like H. P. Lovecraft.”

  “Later, Sharpie. Comfort Jake; we’re busy. Gay!”

  “Here, Zeb. Where’s the riot?”

  “Display map, please.” We were midway over northern Nevada. “Cancel routing and cruise random. Report nearest county seat.”

  “Winnemucca and Elko are equidistant to one percent. Elko closer by ETA as I am now vectored eleven degrees north of Elko bearing.”

  “Deety, would you like to be married in Elko?”

  “Zebadiah, I would love to be married in Elko.”

  “Elko it is, but loving may have to wait. Gay, vector for Elko and ground us, normal private cruising speed. Report ETA in elapsed minutes.”

  “Roger Wilco, Elko. Nine minutes seventeen seconds.”

  Hilda said soothingly, “There, there, Jake darling; Mama is here”—then added in her top sergeant voice, “Quit stalling, Zebbie! What ‘Thing’ in which basement?”

  “Sharpie, you’re nosy. It belonged to Pop and now it’s destroyed and that’s all you need to know.”

  “Oh, but it wasn’t,” Doctor Burroughs said. “Zeb is speaking of my continua craft, Hilda. It’s safe. Not in Logan.”

  “What in the Name of the Dog is a ‘continua craft’?”

  “Pop means,” Deety explained, “his time machine.”

  “Then why didn’t he say so? Everybody savvies ‘Time Machine.’ George Pal’s ‘Time Machine’—a classic goodie. I’ve caught it on the late-late-early show more than once.”

  “Sharpie,” I asked, “can you read?”

  “Certainly I can read! ‘Run, Spot, run. See Spot run.’ Smarty.”

  “Have you ever heard of H. G. Wells?”

  “Heard of him? I’ve had him.”

  “You are a boastful old tart, but not that old. When Mr. Wells died, you were still a virgin.”

  “Slanderer! Hit him, Jake—he insulted me.”

  “Zeb didn’t mean to insult you, I feel sure. Deety won’t permit me to hit people, even when they need it.”

  “We’ll change that.”

  “Second retrieval complete,” Gay Deceiver reported. “Holding.”

  “Report second retrieval, please.”

  “Reuters, Singapore. The Marston expedition in Sumatra is still unreported according to authorities at Palembang. The party is thirteen days overdue. Besides Professor Marston and native guides and assistants, the party included Doctor Z.E. Carter, Doctor Cecil Yang, and Mr. Giles Smythe-Belisha. The Minister of Tourism and Culture stated that the search will be pursued assiduously. End of retrieval.”

  Poor Ed. We had never been close but he had never caused me grief. I hoped that he was shacked up with something soft and sultry—rather than losing his head to a jungle machete, which seemed more likely. “Pop, a few minutes ago I said that somebody doesn’t like you. I now suspect that somebody doesn’t like n-dimensional geometers.”

  “It would seem so, Zeb. I do hope your cousin is safe—a most brilliant mind! He would be a great loss to all mankind.”

  (And to himself, I added mentally. And me, since family duty required that I do something about it. When what I had in mind was a honeymoon.) “Gay.”

  “Here, Zeb.”

  “Addendum. Third news retrieval program. Use all parameters second program. Add Sumatra to area. Add all proper names and titles found in second retrieval. Run until canceled. Place retrievals in permanent memory. Report new items soonest. Start.”

  “Running, Boss.”

  “You’re a good girl, Gay.”

  “Thank you, Zeb. Grounding Elko two minutes seven seconds.”

  Deety squeezed my hand harder. “Pop, as soon as I’m legally Mrs. John Carter I think we should all go to Snug Harbor.”

  “Eh? Obviously.”

  “You, too, Aunt Hilda. It might not be safe for you to go home.”

  “Change in plans, dear. It’s going to be a double wedding. Jake. Me.”

  Deety looked alert but not displeased. “Pop?”

  “Hilda has at last consented to marry me, dear.”

  “Rats,” said Sharpie. “Jake has never asked me in the past and didn’t this time; I simply told him. Hit him with it while he was upset over losing his comic books and unable to defend himself. It’s necessary, Deety—I promised Jane I would take care of Jake and I have—through you, up to now. But from here on you’ll be taking care of Zebbie, keeping him out of trouble, wiping his nose…so I’ve got to hogtie Jake into marriage to keep my promise to Jane. Instead of sneaking into his bed from time to time as in the past.”

  “Why, Hilda dear, you have never been in my bed!”

  “Don’t shame me in front of the children, Jake. I gave you a test run before I let Jane marry you and you don’t dare deny it.”

  Jake shrugged helplessly. “As you wish, dear Hilda.”

  “Aunt Hilda…do you love Pop?”

  “Would I marry him if I didn’t? I could carry out my promise to Jane more simply by having him committed to a shrink factory. Deety, I’ve loved Jake longer than you have. Much! But he loved Jane…which shows that he is basically rational despite his weird ways. I shan’t try to change him, Deety; I’m simply going to see to it that he wears his overshoes and takes his vitamins—as you’ve been doing. I’ll still be ‘Aunt Hilda,’ not ‘Mother.’ Jane was and is your mother.”

  “Thank you, Aunt Hilda. I thought I was happy as a woman can be, getting Zebadiah. But you’ve made me still happier. No worries.”

  (I had worries. Blokes with Black Hats and no faces. But I didn’t say so, as Deety was snuggling closer and assuring me that it was all right because Aunt Hil
da wouldn’t fib about loving Pop…but I should ignore that guff about her sneaking into Pop’s bed—on which I had no opinion and less interest.) “Deety, where and what is ‘Snug Harbor’?”

  “It’s…a nowhere place. A hideout. Land Pop leased from the government when he decided to build his time twister instead of just writing equations. But we may have to wait for daylight. Unless—Can Gay Deceiver home on a given latitude and longitude?”

  “She certainly can! Precisely.”

  “Then it’s all right. I can give it to you in degrees, minutes, and fractions of a second.”

  “Grounding,” Gay warned us.

  The Elko County Clerk did not object to getting out of bed and seemed pleased with the century note I slipped him. The County Judge was just as accommodating and pocketed her honorarium without glancing at it. I stammered but managed to say, “I, Zebadiah John, take thee, Dejah Thoris—” Deety went through it as solemnly and perfectly as if she had rehearsed it…while Hilda sniffled throughout.

  A good thing that Gay can home on a pin point; I was in no shape to drive even in daylight. I had her plan her route, too, a dogleg for minimum radar and no coverage at all for the last hundred-odd kilometers to this place in the Arizona Strip north of the Grand Canyon. But I had her hover before grounding—I being scared silly until I was certain there was not a third fire there.

  A cabin, fireproof, with underground parking for Gay—I relaxed.

  We split a bottle of chablis. Pop seemed about to head for the basement. Sharpie tromped on it and Deety ignored it.

  I carried Deety over the threshold into her bedroom, put her gently down, faced her. “Dejah Thoris—”

  “Yes, John Carter?”

  “I did not have time to buy you a wedding present—”

  “I need no present from my captain.”

  “Hear me out, my princess. My Uncle Zamir did not have as fine a collection as your father had…but may I gift you with a complete set of Clayton Astoundings—”

  She suddenly smiled.

  “—and first editions of the first six Oz books, quite worn but with the original color plates? And a first in almost mint condition of ‘A Princess of Mars’?”

  The smile became a grin and she looked nine years old. “Yes!”