Far from the World We Know: A Lesbian Romance Novel

by Harper Bliss

  “There is one more thing you can do for me.” I take control of our joined hands and bring them to my lips. I kiss the tip of her index finger, then take it into my mouth.

  From the way she cocks her head, I can tell that Tess is catching my drift. The sun is low now, but still strong enough to illuminate the activity I’m referring to in a way that would please me. “What would that be?” Tess gets that smoldering look in her eyes—a look I haven’t always been able to reciprocate.

  “I want you to make me come on your land.” It sounds quite ridiculous when I say it like that—not that it sounded more dignified in my head when I hatched my plan. “I want to make love to you here, outside, in the last of the light, and I want you to look me straight in the eyes when you do.” It’s my way of saying that I want to surrender to her completely, that I want to expel the cobwebs from my brain—those memories of what I’ve done and what was done to me that tend to pop up at the most inconvenient times.

  “Okay.” Tess nods solemnly. Her defenses are all down now. My honesty has that effect on her. “I will happily oblige.” She scooches a little closer, the hem of her dress riding up in the process, giving me a nice view of her thigh. “I’m cool that way.” She leans in to kiss me. It’s not a gentle kiss, but one with purpose and determination. “You really are full of surprises,” she says when we break apart and she pushes me down onto the blanket. She gazes down at me. “What if someone comes along?”

  I shake my head. “I scouted the place at this time of the day on various occasions. No one comes here.”

  Tess chuckles, her lips curving into a grin. “Of course, you have.” She gives a knowing smile. “But you’ll see, the universe is crazy that way, today of all days, someone will drive past.”

  “The prospect of that will only make me come so much harder,” I whisper. This calls Tess back to the task at hand. She bites her bottom lip, nods again, and leans in.

  Tess folds her long body over mine, curls her hands around my neck and kisses me until, when I open my eyes again, the sun has sunk dangerously low. “I want it to be light,” I whisper as soon as I get the chance.

  Tess understands and proceeds to hoist up my t-shirt, exposing my bare chest. “No bra, huh?” She narrows her eyes. “I hope you know it’s a sign of how respectful I am toward you that I didn’t even notice.” She doesn’t wait for a response—and I’m sure she did notice, but just didn’t say anything about it—and goes straight for a nipple, sucking it hard between her lips.

  My bare chest exposed to the air like that feels like the entirety of nature connecting with my body. Tracy would never have been up for this. She was way too controlling for that. Which is why I picked this spot, why I wanted some out-door loving. Stop it, a voice in my head scolds me, because this is what I do and once my thoughts start spiraling down, there really is no return. I brought Tess to this spot to ban Tracy from my mind and, if only for the next fifteen minutes, the ghost of Tracy Hunt will leave me in peace. It’s the only way I can move forward, remove myself from my past—and the only way for me to enjoy this.

  Tess pushes my breasts together and looks at them as though they are the singular biggest feast ever offered to her in her life. By the way her breath is coming faster, and her fingers start kneading more profoundly, I can tell she’s beginning to lose herself. That she doesn’t care that we are doing this out in the open, free from the privacy and, more importantly for me, the oppressing constraints of a house, a room, a bed. On this field, in this light—dimming, but still there—is the only place where I can feel completely free.

  Rachel always used to say, after one of her conquests ended in a one-night stand, “When you know, you know, and I know she’s not the one.” In this very moment, I know Tess is the one. I can’t even rationally explain it, which is an even bigger leap for me than taking a chance at dating her, but I just know. As her lips reach the waistband of my jeans, and she plants kiss after kiss on the sensitive skin there, and I can’t even see her face, all I see is her. Her smile and the kindness it radiates. How her eyes light up every time she looks at me.

  Tess unsnaps my jeans, lowers the zipper, and starts tugging them down. I’m not sure me kicking my legs about in an excited fashion is helping, but I’m eager—oh so eager—for what’s to come, and I don’t want to miss my moment. I don’t want this evening to fail me.

  Once my jeans and underwear are off me, I spread my legs wide. And, oh, the sensation of the hot Texas breeze on my nether lips, of being exposed to nature, of doing this under a slowly darkening sky, is more than enough to flood my clit with pulsing desire.

  Tess climbs up until her face is level with mine, her knee pressing between my legs. She doesn’t say anything, just looks at me as though she effortlessly understands why I need this. She kisses me long and deep, while her hand follows the path her lips traced earlier. It halts at a nipple to pinch it into a hard peak, before slowly meandering down over the expanse of gooseflesh my skin has become, until her finger hovers over my clit. Though I can’t feel it, it’s as if I can sense the promise in its proximity there. We break from our passionate lip-lock and she gazes into my eyes. It’s not easy to just glance back at her without qualms, to make like I’m very self-assured about this. But what Tess has done so swiftly, so easily, is peel away a thick layer of fear I was carrying around with me. She scratched it away to reveal a little more of my true self to her with every day that has passed. And that’s why I can now, finally, give myself up to her, here, on her land, where, I hope, one day we’ll live together.

  Tess’s finger slips and slides along my wet, wet lips. Her mouth twitches in a display of focus and her eyes narrow as she pushes inside of me. And as she does, I know I’m home. Not because of the land, or because I’ve grown to love life in Nelson, but because of the person who is inside of me—in every cell of me.

  I look up into those gray-green eyes as she pushes deeper, harder, inserts another finger, and I let go. I let go of everything that has held me back up until this point in my life. It’s just me and Tess under the fading evening light. And I don’t close my eyes when I feel the first heat swarm underneath my skin. I keep my eyes on her, the real woman of my dreams.

  Tess adds her thumb to the action and she lets it press against my clit every time she strokes me deep inside and this level of intimacy is not something I dreamed I’d ever be capable of again, but here I am, surrendering to Tess, reaching those new heights easily now, because it’s with the right woman.

  She intensifies the pace, thrusts deep within me, flicks more determinedly with her thumb. I can feel her breath on my face, short gusts passing along my lips, mixing with moans that come from my own mouth, piercing the Texas air.

  Then it takes me. Everything she’s doing to me and everything I feel for her crashes over me in a wave of tingling, limb-stiffening warmth. I try not to close my eyes, to stay with her in this moment, because it deepens the sensation in my flesh, reaches deeper into my core.

  When I collapse underneath her, my limbs soft, my skin covered in a sheen of sweat, my entire being is so relaxed I couldn’t even stop the tears welling in my eyes if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. I can cry in front of Tess now. I can do everything in front of her now.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  TESS

  I’ve convinced Laura to share babysitting duties with me, and after all three children have finally gone to bed—each more reluctant than the last because of the excitement of having a new person in the house—we sit on Scott and Megan’s back porch with a chilled glass of chardonnay. Laura isn’t so afraid of consuming alcohol anymore, though I hardly think she’ll be touching Dad’s brandy anytime soon.

  “Your sister must have been thrilled when you moved back to Nelson,” Laura says. “All this free babysitting that you do.”

  “I don’t mind and, besides, silly as it may sound, it gives me some much-needed privacy. I can just flick through some channels, or walk around in my underwear, or bring a girl
over.” I catch Laura’s gaze.

  “No hanky-panky tonight, babe.” She grins.

  “But to answer your question, yes, I think Megan was very thrilled when I came back. Not just for the babysitting, though there is that.”

  “Does she ever… do anything for you in return?” Laura asks.

  I quirk up my eyebrows, unsure what to reply to that. The question has never even entered my mind. “She gave birth to three little people who adore the hell out of me. Children I love dearly, but I don’t have to parent, only spoil rotten. That’s a pretty good trade-off. Plus, I get to keep my ultra-toned body.”

  “See what you did there?” Laura asks. “You diverted my attention from the matter at hand by mentioning your ultra-toned body.” Her grin has grown seductive.

  We both know my body is far from toned, but I’ll happily play along. “What I can’t get off my mind,” I say, “is your ultra-toned body naked on my land.” Unlike me, Laura is super fit, though her running routine has suffered greatly since we went on our first official date. We do, however, engage in plenty of other calorie-burning activities.

  “What can I say, babe? The thought of you owning all that sprawling Texas land made me horny as hell.” Laura chuckles.

  “I can see it too, you know. You and me in our brand-new house. Socks frolicking on the lawn. We can try to take Moby, though I doubt Mom will let me. But we can adopt another dog. The kids visiting their awesome aunts.” I take a quick sip from my wine. “Though what we are doing right now is extremely lesbian. We’re skipping the U-haul altogether and starting to talk about building a house together straightaway.”

  Laura purses her lips together. “We can always practice at my house.” She drums her fingers onto the table. “We can start with a drawer,” she muses. “Well, actually, I have so few clothes and belongings, you may as well have most of the wardrobe and the other closet space.”

  “Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?” My palms break out into a sweat.

  “I’m asking you what you’re hearing me ask you, babe.” Laura plants her elbows on the table and looks at me intently. “You’re at my house all the time, anyway. We might as well make it official and stop fussing around with leaving the keys under the mat and texting back and forth about where and when we’ll meet.” She shoots me a kind grin. “That is, of course, if you are ready to move out of your parents’ house. I know you’re not really old enough yet.”

  “Funny,” I bite back playfully. “But handy. And we won’t even need to rent that U-Haul. We can use Dad’s truck to move my meager belongings.”

  “You can walk around in your underwear as much as you like. Or without.” Under the table, Laura’s toe sneaks up my shin.

  “Or in one of your t-shirts, which barely cover me, anyway.”

  “While we dream of our house,” Laura says, her voice serious again.

  “I would love that, Laura.” I could grab her hand over the table, or clasp her feet in between mine underneath it, but it’s not enough. I need more. I push myself away from the table and walk to her. I put my hands on her shoulders and kiss her for a long time.

  “This was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment decision. One I’ve been thinking about, but, well, I don’t exactly have a spare key on me to make it official,” Laura says.

  “Give it to me when we get home.” I peck her on the forehead. I must have driven past Milly’s house a million times in my lifetime, but never would I have guessed I’d one day end up living there with another woman. With the woman I love.

  ✶ ✶ ✶

  We’ve finished the bottle, me drinking two-thirds in my giddy enthusiasm and Laura one and a half slowly-sipped glasses, when she asks me, her eyes on me, her voice low, “When did you get your heart broken for the first time?”

  “It must be after ten if you’re coming out with the hard questions,” I joke.

  Laura looks at me. “Why is it a hard question?”

  I push out my bottom lip. “I don’t know. Because I don’t think about things like that, I guess. I’m shallow that way.”

  “You’re anything but shallow, Tess. I’m just curious and I’d like to know who in their right mind ever had the audacity to dump you.”

  “Okay.” I lean back in my chair, thinking. I’m not really one to dwell on past heartbreaks, but there is one instance of it that I’ve always carried with me as a reminder of how things should never turn out again. “Her name was Chelsea. She was in my English Lit class in my first year at college. She came from this big family in Florida and, especially next to me, she was tiny. But full of life, you know? A real spitfire. I fell in love with her. Like really properly in love. But, as you would have it, she was straight. Which didn’t stop me falling for her harder every day, no, every hour we spent together. We hung out a lot, studied together… I watched her drunkenly make out with way too many guys at parties, until one night we just ended up in bed together. It just happened. One of those college things, I guess. But of course my immature, vulnerable heart didn’t see it that way.” I pause, look at my empty glass, decide against opening another bottle of wine because I like the way Laura is looking at me right now. She might well be the world’s greatest listener. Her head is tilted, her eyes focused on me, but not staring too hard.

  “I fell deeper in love, of course, and we embarked on this sort of half-baked relationship. We kept it to ourselves, though I did tell Megan, of course. Who, she would have me state for the record I’m sure, told me I was out of my mind falling for a girl like that. Of course, I wouldn’t have any of that. Megan didn’t know what she was talking about. She didn’t know what it was like to be me blah, blah, blah. You know how it goes at that age. I was smitten, well and truly head-over-heels in love. And it was amazing for about five minutes. We had some amazing sex, though I may be remembering that wrong and might have painted it in a better light than it was over the years. Anyway, she was really sweet to me behind closed doors, to the extent that I actually believed it could work between us if I gave her some time. Because this was all new to her, she had to get used to it, she’d never been with a girl before.” I exhale deeply. “I imagine you can guess the rest.”

  “Tell me,” Laura urges, in a voice so soft and gentle, just the sound of it can undo all the wrongs I’ve experienced throughout my entire life.

  “She met a guy. A stupid beefcake wrestler from Denver. Ears like this.” I cup my hands behind my ears and make them stick out. “Abs for days. Three times the size of her. I have no clue what she ever saw in him, but, well, she dumped me for him. Oldest story in the book. A lesbian college affair gone wrong. It might have made me a big fat cliché, but gosh dang it, it hurt like hell. I saw them everywhere, of course. Every single day was a reminder of how I wasn’t with her anymore. It was pretty awful for a while. Don’t tell Megan she was right, by the way.”

  “Don’t tell Megan she was right about what?” Out of nowhere, Megan appears behind us. I was so wrapped up in my story that I didn’t hear them come home.

  “Nothing,” I say quickly, but she’s my sister, and, automatically, I share, anyway. “I was just telling Laura about Chelsea Watts, my college crush.”

  “Ah, stating very clearly I was right about that whole shebang, I hope?” Megan asks.

  “The kids go down well?” Scott asks with his usual matter-of-fact-ness, ignoring his wife.

  “Fine,” Laura says. “Good as gold.” It’s a blatant lie, the way they were fussing and trying to manipulate us into letting them stay up past their bed time.

  “Guess what!” Now that my sister is here, I need to share the next bit of information as well. “Laura asked me to move in with her.”

  Megan looks from me to Laura, then punches the air as though she has just won a big prize. “That’s awesome news.”

  “You’re just saying that ’cause now the kids can each have a room at Earl and Maura’s,” Scott says. “Whereas I, your beloved brother-in-law, am genuinely happy for you.” Awkwardly,
he pats Laura on the shoulder. “Congratulations,” he says.

  “We’d better drink to that,” Megan says, and holds up the empty bottle of wine.

  “You know that it’s very unethical to pay babysitters in wine, don’t you, honey?” Scott says, then goes inside to fetch another bottle.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  LAURA

  ONE YEAR LATER

  Tracy’s parents were Catholic, but an altogether different kind of religious than my own. They didn’t raise her in the church, nor did they break all ties with her when she came out. They proudly attended our wedding ceremony and didn’t have a kind word to say about my parents’ absence. When the time came for Tracy to be buried—a process I was not very involved in—they opted for a Catholic ceremony and cemetery.

  Arriving at the graveyard now, the religious symbolism jars me only for an instant, but it doesn’t bother me. I had to give up my hatred for the religion that banned me from my parents’ lives a long time ago, before I let it consume me. But, walking along the gravestones adorned with crosses and words of how great the buried were, does make me balk at the hypocrisy of it all. As though death makes everything right.

  It’s the first time I’ve set foot here and Tess is holding on tightly to my arm. After Tracy died, I was such a wreck, such a shadow of a woman, I didn’t have it in me to come here. First, I thought I had no right after giving her that final push—the very last time someone touched her when she was alive. Then, after the anger had set in, I didn’t want to visit anymore. Not long after, I left for Texas. But I know I need to do this now. I didn’t come to Chicago for this purpose alone, but I discussed it with Tess, and it’s an integral part of our trip. Though I never had the guts to stand up to Tracy when she was alive, I can still do so now. It won’t change anything. What happened will still have happened. Her parents will still hate me for the rest of their lives. Our friends, the ones who didn’t know, will never fully understand what went down that night. But to me, it will make a difference. I’ve come here to put the past behind me.