by L. J. Stock
“It’s okay, baby,” I said, glad for the steady tone.
As much as I wanted to tell Megan to burn the damn letter, I knew I couldn’t. I had to be an adult. If I wiped my hands clean, the responsibility would fall into Jen’s lap, and she didn’t deserve that. My only choice now was to take care of this, say goodbye, and move on with my life. There was a part of me that didn’t want to take Holly into the mess with me, but this was a part of her history, and if I didn’t take care of this now, there was a chance she could wander into a minefield later—and alone in order to sate her curiosity about her dad and that part of my life. If I had to go to Childress, it was better to go together.
With my mind made up, I nodded at her, knowing all she could see was my white, clammy face and anxious eyes.
“Holly, I need you to go and pack some things. I know you were looking forward to going to Colorado Springs, honey, but we’re going to have to postpone the trip for now.”
“Why?” she whispered, looking worried.
“Yeah, why?” Megan echoed down my phone sounding concerned. She, more than anyone, knew why I hadn’t made a trip back to Childress in over fourteen years.
“Give me a minute, Meg,” I said down the phone and placed it on the counter so I could take both of Holly’s hands in mine.
I led her away from the kitchen into the hall. There were some things about her past I hadn’t told her yet, mainly because she was too young to understand that her grandfather had shot her father the night they’d both discovered I was pregnant. Or that I had kept her away from her dad’s family because her grandma had been dying of cancer, and I couldn’t let those men be a part of her life. All of that information was too delicate to just drop in her lap without thought.
“Kiddo, we’re going to go to Childress. I promise I will explain as much of this as I can in the car on the way there, but I need you to trust me on this, and I need you to cut me a break.”
“But, Mom…”
“Please. I promise we will go and climb Pikes Peak again. It just might be a couple of weeks until we get there.”
She nodded in understanding, fighting the look of disappointment I could see creeping into those unfathomable blue eyes of hers. Pulling her close, I dropped a kiss on her head, before spinning her to face the other way and watching her walk down the corridor with drooping shoulders that screamed this sucks.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself and spun on my heels heading back to the kitchen, sweeping my phone from the counter and wedging it between my ear and shoulder as I started putting things away again.
“What are you doing, Kay?”
“Something I thought I would never do,” I admitted, pushing the refrigerator closed and resting my forehead against the stainless steel veneer.
“You’re coming here? Christ, sweetie, are you sure?”
“No.” I laughed humorlessly. “I’m not sure at all, but I can’t ask you to deal with this for me.”
“You know I don’t mind. At least talk to his lawyers first. I mean, if you want to come, you know you’re more than welcome here. I just know how much you hate this place. Rob and I can handle most of this if you need us to, I’m sure of it.”
“No. It said to contact the lawyers after reading the letter, Meg, and I can’t ask you and Rob to clean up my family’s mess again. I need to start taking responsibility for all that shit, and Holly needs to see where we came from before her curiosity gets the better of her.”
I could already feel the bile turning bitter in my stomach at the thought of returning to Childress. Fourteen years, I’d avoided the place and managed to keep my distance. I’d repressed all of the memories I could, holding onto the ones that meant the most to me. I could recall nights like prom night with perfect clarity and smile as I remembered all of the love that passed between Dustin and me. I hadn’t wanted to lose those precious moments, but I hadn’t wanted them to turn into ghosts that haunted me, either. There was a huge difference between the two, and I was aware that I about to drive into a ghost town with my daughter and attempt to keep my shit together.
“Okay, you might be right, but I’m sure it can wait.”
“The sooner it’s over, the better,” I said quietly. “It’s been fourteen years, Meg. A couple of days there won’t change much. I doubt anyone will even remember me, so I won’t have to worry about that.”
“Fair enough. I’ll get the guest room ready for y’all.”
“Thank you.” I meant it, even if I did feel sick at the idea of going back and taking Holly with me.
“Don’t be stupid. You don’t have to thank me.”
I smiled as we exchanged our goodbyes before I dropped my phone on the counter and fought to catch my breath again.
This wasn’t going to be fun. In fact, I was pretty sure I was about to relive the nightmare that haunted most of the nights I’d been away from the town.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I thought you hated Texas.” Holly ended the statement with a guzzle from her Cola bottle. I envied her metabolism and missed the days when I could eat whatever the hell I wanted without any permanent repercussions.
“No, baby, I don’t hate Texas. I’d just prefer to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t there.” I hit the button on my steering wheel, searching for a radio station that didn’t fling country music at me.
“That’s not that different from hate,” she said, chomping off the top of her Twizzler before waving the red stick at me. She’d been eating non-stop since we’d hit the Texas state line, and the buffet had all started with the giant potato wedges at the gas station just beyond the New Mexico state line. The cherry flavored licorice was just the closest thing for her to grab at this point. “Is it because Dad died here?”
“Mostly,” I replied honestly. “It’s not a bad place to be. You may even like Childress, but I just have too many memories to think kindly about it. You shouldn’t judge anything on my experiences, though.”
I reached out and ran my hand through her dark locks. She didn’t have the almost blue-black hair I’d grown up with. Hers was that same rich chocolate of her father’s—just another one of his features that gave her the look of him.
“You never talk about Childress. Not really. Even when Aunt Jen and Aunt Meg still live there. When I ask about it, you give me an answer, but it’s never really an answer.”
I looked over at my fourteen-year-old and smiled before giving my attention back to the road ahead of me. We were about to hit Amarillo, which meant we were less than two hours away from Childress.
“How about we stop at the Big Texan, and I will give you a once in a lifetime opportunity to ask anything you want before we get there? Then we can hit the road and make it Aunt Meg’s to pick Emmett and Katie up from daycare with her?”
“I can ask anything at all?”
“Anything. Within reason.”
“What does that even mean?” Holly asked, pointing at the huge longhorn and bouncing as we pulled into the parking lot. Once she was over the initial surprise of the restaurant, she looked at me with narrowed eyes. “You can’t change the rules when you’ve already set the guidelines.”
I sighed as I parked and turned in my seat to face her. “It means that there are some things you don’t need to know. It means that there are things I may never want you to know. It means that some things may be a little too hard for me to hash out in the middle of a public restaurant. So, I have the right to veto a question, whether it’s one I don’t want to answer or can’t answer in public, but it may be up for discussion later.”
She considered my terms for a moment and nodded in agreement before she pulled her shoes on and grabbed her backpack. She was out of the car before I had a chance to pick up my purse, both hands beckoning me forward to join her impatiently.
I hadn’t been to the restaurant since I’d left Texas over fourteen years earlier, and the Big Texan hadn’t changed much in all that time. After a brief jaunt around the place and it’s never ending g
ift shop, Holly and I finally got to a table and balanced our menus in the center of the table as we passed comments about the available dishes. Once we’d both decided we couldn’t come to a steakhouse without a steak, we ordered and sat staring at one another over our sweet tea.
“Can I start now?” Holly asked, pinching the tip of the straw between her teeth.
“Lunch only lasts so long, baby.”
“Okay. Why are we going back to Childress if you hate it?” she asked, dropping her straw and sitting back in the booth.
“My father died. He had cancer.”
Holly’s eyes widened, almost as though she was unsure of how to respond to the information. “He was the one in prison?”
“That’s the one. He’s the only one I have, in fact.” My tone held nothing. No inflection, no emotion, just facts.
“You don’t like him very much.”
I heard myself about to give her a bullshit generic line and stopped. She was only fourteen, but she deserved the whole truth. She deserved to know why the only family we had was my best friend and my godmother. She would always have me in her life, and being honest with her may help her to understand our lives, and my choices a little more.
“When my momma died, my father decided he didn’t want to be a dad after all, but he felt obligated to keep me around because I think he really did love my mom. He wasn’t much of a parent, but that didn’t matter because your Aunt Jen always looked after me. When he found out I was pregnant…” I rubbed my hands over my face feeling frustrated by how hard this was to talk about. Holly had always been so good about knowing when the questions became too much for me, but I’d given her a free pass and the set determination in those almond-shaped eyes told me she wasn’t going to back down this time.
That didn’t mean she wasn’t my usual sympathetic sweetheart, though. Reaching out, she pulled one of my hands from my face and held it between both of hers. She was so much like Dustin at times I became unnerved. That should have felt strange and painful, but I could always draw comfort from the fact that she’d inherited the best parts of him. Those qualities made me love her impossibly more than I already did.
“When your grandfather discovered I was pregnant, I don’t think he was upset with me because I was in that situation at seventeen, but more because of the family your daddy came from. There was some bad blood there, lawsuits and threats. I never understood the whole situation, but the bad blood caused a lot of tension, and knowing I’d had anything to do with their family sent my father over the edge. The night he found out, he was mad as hell, and he hit me.”
I hated myself for bringing her into this. I hated that my past was so twisted that I felt as though I was sitting my kid in front of an NC-17 movie and expecting her to digest just how fucked up our family was. I prayed that she didn’t ask the inevitable follow up question because I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer. I wasn’t sure I could.
“He hit you?” she asked in a small voice that was filled with pity and sadness.
I nodded in acknowledgment and sat back from the table as the waitress slid my steak in front of me. With a quick smile and thanks from the two of us, the waitress left, and the silence settled around us like dust. I hated seeing Holly, who was normally so full of life and chatty, subdued and confused. I had no idea what was going on in her head, and I was too cowardly to ask, because if it led to another question… if it led to the question, I still wasn’t entirely sure I had the strength to tell her that her grandfather murdered her dad for trying to protect me.
“I don’t think I like him too much, either.” She met my gaze and blushed, dropping her chin to her chest in embarrassment. “I mean, I’m sorry he died, but…”
“Hey,” I said, leaning over the table and pulling her chin up with the side of my index finger. “You don’t have to give me an explanation. You more than anyone have the right to dislike him.” I tapped my finger on her lips to stop the question that I’d just instigated with my response. “Eat, and think about what else you’d like to know.”
Nodding solemnly, she cut into her steak and let her eyes roll with the first mouthful. When she swallowed, her eyes met mine again. “I know you loved my daddy, but you’ve always said no one really knew you were dating. Why?”
And so, in much safer territory, I gave her the story of Dustin, me, and our too-short love affair. The conversation lasted beyond lunch and consumed another hour of the car ride to Childress before she ran out of questions and fell into silence as she digested everything I’d just told her. For the last forty-five minutes of the drive, she listened to her own music, while I listened to my old reliable standard: classic rock.
I hoped that my past wouldn’t change the way she saw Dustin or me. She’d always had a love affair with the ghost of her father, and I’d never dissuaded her. Dustin would have been an amazing father, and I knew just how powerful his love could be. I’d lived within its embrace, felt the warmth of his adoration on cold nights, and even after all of these years, I retreated to the protection of his affection. I would never have deprived her of that, so I had told her stories about my one true love and how amazing he truly was.
When we finally pulled onto the highway that led to Megan’s long driveway, Holly pulled out her earbuds and rubbed her face with both hands before cracking the window to let the cool breeze swim around us.
“I have one last question,” she whispered thoughtfully, her head leaning against the cool glass as the trees on either side parted for Megan’s long drive.
I pulled in but drove slowly. “Okay.”
“Can we go see him while we’re here. My daddy, I mean. I know that he died but…”
She didn’t need to finish that statement. I’d been prepared for this request and already had my answer on the tip of my tongue.
“Of course we can go, baby.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Reaching out, I stroked her soft hair and left the conversation at that. I had turned the last corner of the drive, and Megan was already flinging the door out of her path, her crazy golden retriever, Kenny—Loggins not Chesney—came bounding out past her, and jumped in and on top of Holly the moment I came to a stop and she opened a door with a gleeful whistle. The moment of truth between us had passed, but I knew it wouldn’t be forgotten. She would always have more questions, and I just had to mentally prepare myself for that. Her curiosity would gain momentum. That was inevitable.
I climbed out of the car as Holly rolled out the other side with a laugh as Kenny licked her relentlessly, and I found myself scooped up in my best friends embrace. I returned the gesture with as much enthusiasm, all of the pent-up anxiety burying itself as I took in the unfamiliar house. At least I didn’t have to contend with the memories here.
“You’re late. I thought you’d changed your mind on me.”
“We stopped in Amarillo. Holly had some questions,” I admitted, bending to rub Kenny behind the ears as he bounded toward us.
“What kind of questions?” she asked under her breath.
“About my dad, Dustin, my childhood.”
“You tell her everything?”
“Not everything.” That was an unspoken heads-up to avoid the landmines I hadn’t disassembled yet. Megan couldn’t be cornered or reveal anything Holly didn’t know that way. Asking Megan to edit for me like that was unfair, and the older Holly became, the harder that kind of editing became. I had a feeling our trip would lead to that moment of truth, but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough while in Childress to be the pillar of strength Holly needed me to be. I just had to make sure I was on neutral territory when the time came. I didn’t want her to have to suffer more than she already would because I was a coward.
“I’ll make sure Rob knows, too, in case she wants to ask questions. Especially as she’ll be helping him babysit tonight.”
“Babysit?”
“Yes! You and I are going out to celebrate your homecoming.”
“What?” My incredulousness was apparent
in my tone, and it was something Megan picked up on immediately. “No.”
“Why? You’re blonde now, you changed your nickname, and you’ve done a lot of growing up in fourteen years, including…” She dropped her voice. “Great boobs and a fabulous ass.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Nothing, I guess. They’re just differences.”
“Liar.”
“Oh, come on. That bitch Libby lives in Wichita Falls now. Other than her, I doubt anyone would recognize you.”
She was right about that. One blessing of being a shadow through most of high school meant that I was mostly anonymous now. Not that I would recognize most people in town, either. With the exception of maybe Troy and Erin, who had both moved to Nacogdoches when they’d graduated high school because Troy had a scholarship for football at Stephen F. Austin. From what Rob had found out, he had accepted a coaching job in the ISD there once he’d graduated from college. That left no one but Megan and her family and a handful of the people my father had invited over to the house, and I was pretty sure none of them had been sober enough to absorb my presence.
I was safe even if I wasn’t necessarily feeling that anonymity.
“It’s half price margarita night,” Megan sang, rocking her hips from side to side with a smile.
“Mom, you should go,” Holly said, an easy smile on her lips. “Go and check out the competition. See how good you really are at your job.”
I slung my arm over Holly’s shoulder and grinned over at Megan. “Now that’s how you make your argument, Meg. You’re way too rusty.”
“Well, shit. Holly, I just might need to pick your brains again.”
“Aunt Meg, you know she doesn’t normally listen to me.”
Megan threw her head back and laughed boisterously, making Kenny bounce around her in circles. “Oh honey, you have this woman wrapped around your fingers. If she says no, it’s because it’s bad for you, dangerous, or stupid.”