by L. J. Stock
Holly thought about that and grinned in that knowing way of hers. “Then why does she say no when I ask for a dog, horse, or a cat?”
Megan shook her head, her face still alight with mirth. “Because she doesn’t have the time to look after them when you get bored.”
“How am I supposed to prove that I can be responsible if I can’t have one?” Holly asked while I mouthed along in perfect synchronicity. Megan’s face lit up as Holly scowled at me.
“This is an old argument then?”
“Ancient,” Holly and I said together, her smile growing as I winked at her. I’d promised her I would think about puppy if she could keep a plant alive until the summer and peering into the back of the car, the fern was thriving. The agreement had been struck just after Christmas when Meg’s family had left Trinidad to head back to Childress. They came to us every year, the visit a tradition now, something Mike and Rob enjoyed, too, seeing as we had our celebration at the bar where there were a half-dozen flat screens, a pool table, and more beer than they could ever drink.
“Is Uncle Rob home yet?”
“He’s in the garage out back, sweetie. He only went and bought a shell of a Harley and is determined to rebuild the damn thing. Why don’t you go say hi and ask if he wants an iced tea?”
“Okay.” Holly raced off with Kenny at her side, both of them trying to outdo one another as they made the corner at the end of the house.
Taking a moment, I looked around at my best friend’s house. This was the first time I’d been here at her home in person, and I was regretting the delay. They’d bought themselves a huge plot of land and built their dream home right in the center of the acreage. The large spread of the one-story house was tucked away in a nestling of trees and had a wrap around porch that was deep enough to fit a swing and some rocking chairs. The house was eggshell white, which was traditional, but the shutters, gables, and risers were painted royal blue.
“Meg, it’s gorgeous here. Y’all did amazing.”
Megan smiled and looked around as she looped her arm through mine. Pride was shining from her eyes. “I love it here, Kay, and I thought you may never get to see it. There’s a part of the layout I never told you about.”
“Really?”
“Yep.” She tugged on my arm. “Come on. I want to show you.”
We walked toward the big red barn that I could see held several dirt bikes and four-wheelers. There was a huge playground that protruded from the side of the building. There were swings, a slide, and a climbing frame that was made of colored rope. On the other side was a staircase, which was exactly where Megan led us. There was a small deck at the top with two Adirondack chairs facing the backyard, pool, and small copse of trees that surrounded the barn and house. Megan opened the door that led into the top of the barn, which I noticed had two huge portrait windows with the same view when she stepped aside.
“What’s this?”
“Go and have a look, loser.”
I rolled my eyes at the insult and stepped inside. The huge open space of the room had a kitchen, living room, dining room, and a small hall that led to the back, where I assumed there were bedrooms. The apartment wasn’t big by any stretch of the imagination, but it was homey and beautiful.
“Megan. What is this?”
“You’re one of the most independent people I know. I wasn’t sure we’d ever get you to come and visit, but if you did, I knew you’d be uncomfortable in the house with us. Sharing is just not your style. Some of Rob’s friends have stayed here when they’ve pissed their wives off, but we designed the space for you and Holly. We hoped this would be your home away from home.” She leaned in and bumped my shoulder with hers. “All Rob’s idea. He said it’s a fair exchange for all the free beer.”
“You guys are insane.” I moved to the center of the room and twirled, admiring the tall ceilings and the really cool antique fan that blew air down at me.
“We’re eternal optimists, and look, here you are, so we weren’t completely wrong.”
I threw my arms around her neck and squeezed. “You never have given up on me.”
“Wouldn’t be much of a friend or a sister if I went and did that now, would I?” She grinned and winked.
“I love you, Meg.”
The squeal from the door and the clomp of heavy work boots told me that we’d been joined by Rob and Holly. My daughter—after hugging Megan—stood in the center of the room next to me and spun with her arms spread wide, and her grin lighting her features.
Mouthing a thank you to Rob, I watched as he nodded and wrapped an arm around Megan’s waist before turning his attention to Holly and smiling broadly. I regretted not getting to know Rob better when they’d started dating when we’d been teens. They’d fought so often that I hadn’t considered they’d be where they were sixteen years later, but they fit together. I liked to imagine myself growing old with Dustin sometimes, and my vision was always so different but also always fit so well. I knew we would have been happy together. He would have taken one look at Holly and been in love with her, just like I had.
“So, we’re going to pick the brats up, and Rob is going to the grocery store. We’re grilling burgers tonight—then we’ll get the fire pit going and make some s’mores. Colorado ain’t the only place with that tradition,” Meg said, pushing Rob out of the apartment. “We’ll bring your stuff up when we get back, that way the kids can help. Kay and I will leave after the s’mores.”
“After dessert. Now there’s a surprise,” Rob mumbled, brushing his lips against her neck and softening her up before he led the way back down the stairs.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The small bar that Megan frequented in Childress wasn’t one that had been around when I’d been growing up. From what I understood, the building had been an old feed warehouse and was tucked away from the highway that passed through town. The main room of the bar was dark, smelled of grain, and had peanut shells scattered over the floors between booths and tall bar tables, probably because there were buckets filled with them on every table. The dance floor occupied most real estate in the room and sat in front of the raised platform that they used as a stage. The bar itself, however, took up one long wall and employed four bar staff, all of who moved efficiently in the space and kept the drinks flowing.
It was a setup I approved of. Efficient with good flow meant a constant turnover. Even the jukebox, which was attached to an app on my smartphone, had a good selection of music, most of which was classic rock. A fact that seemed to amuse Megan no end as I scrolled through pages and pages of tracks and spent a small fortune without ever seeing cash.
“I need to get one of these in my place,” I said, slipping my phone into my back pocket and draining half of my beer with a satisfied gasp. “Not having to walk to the damn machine every time I want to hear a song is an added benefit.”
“Most people here plug in what little country is on there.” Meg laughed, gathering her hair up at the back of her neck before dragging the tail over her shoulder and releasing the strands again. “I figured having a choice would cheer you up a little about having to be out and about.”
I laughed, my eyes on yet another scan of the growing crowd as I looked for someone I recognized. I hadn’t come across anyone in the hour that we’d been there, which made me feel hopeful.
“Will you stop that? You look like an outlaw waiting for the sheriff to show up.” Meg sat forward and spun her margarita slowly by the stem. “You’re making me nervous here. Just sit back and relax so we can talk.”
“We are talking.” I grinned, glad the booth was hiding the constant nervous movement of my legs from her as I spread my hands calmly on the worn wood plank of the table’s surface. “But I know you mean something more specific.”
The eye roll was almost as expected as the long pull on her straw while she rearranged her words in her head. The girl who had always babbled was now the woman who thought carefully before speaking. As she inhaled a deep breath, her eyes met m
ine. They were filled with trepidation and a small injection of sadness.
“Okay, so there is no denying that this is a small damn town. The word of mouth means nothing is sacred, and Mom and I are the only good realtors here.”
“Meg,” I said her name with a laugh. “Stop with the bullshit and spit whatever it is out already.”
“The word is… your dad left you everything. The house and anything left inside the place. His lawyer apparently visits weekly to make sure no kids can break in and announce they had squatters’ rights. There’s also a safety deposit box at the bank.”
“I don’t want the fucking house.” My tone was too defensive, and I swallowed back the tendrils of panic that had started to wind themselves around my heart. “I’m sorry. There are things I can deal with, but going back in that room…”
“I know that, which is why I thought we could get a crew to go in there, pack everything up and then just paint everything and sell the place outright as is. We’ve had a company inquire about the property almost yearly since your dad was convicted. Did you know he has about a hundred acres attached? And another fifty just outside of town?”
I shook my head and laughed bitterly. “You know better than that, Meg. My dad barely acknowledged me. It’s not like he would sit down and talk out his holdings with me.”
“I figured, but I wanted you to know because we’ve had inquiries, which means you should have some wriggle room to get an amazing price on the land.”
“I don’t want any of it.”
“Then put the money in an account for Holly,” she said evenly, before leaning forward to sip some more of her margarita. “She could go to any college she wanted, Kay. She could buy her first car, her first house, and still have money leftover to travel the world. Your dad was an asshole, there’s no denying that, but let something good come from him.”
“He killed her father,” I said under my breath, and then drained my bottle. “And there’s no guarantee that he left any of this shit to me anyway. I haven’t spoken to him since that night when he knocked the shit out of me.”
“Who else would he leave it all to?”
“One of the whores he had in his bed every night? The friends he found far more compelling than me? He sure spent more time with them than he ever did with me.”
“Well, I underestimated how much you hated him.”
I believed I’d underestimated my loathing for the man, too. I’d sat on that anger and hatred for over fourteen years, and it had festered and grown into something more ugly than even I’d realized. The man had brought me into the world with my mom. He’d loved me for the first nine years of my life and then just given up when shit had got hard. For most of my life, I’d forgiven him, made excuses for him, and given him a pass for the grief he had when Mom had died. Unfortunately, he’d forced me to relive his pain, he’d taken away the man I’d loved and the father of my child, and no matter how much I wanted to give up, I never had. I’d fought and clawed my way out from depression and looked after my daughter. I’d stepped up to the plate even in the moments I wanted to stay in bed and die myself.
“It could have been so easy to follow his path of self-destruction, Meg. Your mom offered to take Holly for me, to bring her up for me, and it was so tempting. I had nothing, no one, and I had nothing to offer Holly. Saying yes would have been so easy and would have given me the opportunity to try and pick up some semblance of life, or even give up without being laden with guilt, but then I looked down at this little baby and everything clicked. Holly came almost two months early just like a Christmas present. This tiny, perfect baby who had eyes just like her daddy, and hair that was the exact shade of his, and I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t give her up—because I loved her too much. Even the thought of giving her to someone made my heart ache. You know what that told me?”
Megan didn’t say anything, but her sympathetic smile just told me to get all of this out, and that was one of the things I loved the most about her.
“It told me that my father never loved me. You can’t love someone as much as I love Holly and let them go and pretend they don’t exist. I can barely let go of Dustin enough to function on a daily basis. So how do you give up on a nine-year-old child who is grieving just as much as you are? A child who needs to be held and given guidance when they just don’t understand why or how any of that could have happened?”
“I can’t imagine doing that to my kids,” Meg said, draining her margarita and waving down a waitress before flashing two fingers and pointing at the table. “Even if I lost Robert somehow, I couldn’t just give up on them, and that’s just what that son-of-a-bitch did, isn’t it? I never thought about that. I was too young, and by the time I was old enough it was the status quo, but Mom always hated him. She hid it from us as much as she could, but I overheard her talking to Daddy sometimes, and she hated him.”
“This is why I can’t take anything he offers me, Meg. But you’re right. If he leaves me anything then that should go to Holly and give her a chance at the life he never wanted to give me. I really doubt he would have thought much about me in the end. I never meant much to him while he was alive. In death won’t be any different.”
“Can I ask you something I’ve always been too chicken to ask before?” Megan asked, sitting back as the beer and margarita were slid in front of us. “Put that on my tab, Hayley.”
I watched the waitress nod and walk away, and I canted my head to the side in invitation.
“Where did you get the money to open the bar?”
I laughed aloud and sat back against the acrylic of the booth. I took a long pull from my beer, pushed the glass back onto the table and then rocked forward, both elbows landing on the table as my clasped hands propped my chin up.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for you to ask that. You’ve been very restrained.”
“Asshole. I’m asking now, aren’t I?” She grinned at me and shook her head before prompting me to answer with a cheeky smile only she could ever pull off.
I nodded against my hands in agreement and breathed out two words. “Suzanne Hill.”
If it hadn’t been for ‘Heart’ singing about the Magic Man, and the din of quiet, indecipherable conversation around us, the silence would have been deafening. It seemed to take a while for Meg to find the ability to blink, but when she did her brown eyes filled with questions. No one, not even Jen knew about the contact I’d had with Suzanne over the last few months of her life. I’d kept that to myself because she’d asked that of me. She didn’t want her husband and eldest son knowing she’d had contact with me in any way. Just like I had been a secret for her and Dustin to share. She wasn’t as disillusioned or naïve as her husband seemed to think, and she was one of the people who had helped me get through that part of my life.
“Suzanne Hill? Dustin’s mom?”
I nodded in response, waiting for the onslaught of questions.
“I’m confused.” That was evident in the way she stirred her drink with her straw, her eyes locked onto the melting slush. “I thought you had refused to see them.”
“I had, but I was at your house alone a couple of days after I got out of the hospital. You were at school, and your mom was getting some of my things together over at my dad’s place, and Suzanne just showed up. She was really weak and pale, but determined, you know? She marched on in there and sat down and asked if the baby was Dustin’s. Apparently, I wasn’t as much of a secret as I thought, because he’d told her he was in love with me, and she hadn’t told anyone about it.” I could feel the lump forming in my throat and took a mouthful of beer to ease it back. “She said he was happy because of me.”
Meg’s confusion melted away into understanding. Even now, Dustin and his death were hard for me to think about at times. I’d never really moved on enough to have any kind of relationship since I’d lost him. Casual dates and one-night stands had been the extent of my dating life, and I’d been okay with that. Those situations had never touched Holly, a
nd they’d never really touched me. They scratched the itch when the urge for physicality had come about, and my longest relationship had lasted all of six weeks, and that was when Holly had been five. He’d ended the relationship when I refused to introduce him to my daughter, and I found I was relieved that he had. Every one of those men had been compared to Dustin, and not one of them had lived up to my memory of him.
The constant comparison and my detachment weren’t healthy, not by a long shot, but I lived with my decision because that was the situation I could live with.
“Kay, you’d have to have been an idiot not to see how happy he was with you. Erin and Troy were over the moon. They knew that I was in the circle of friends aware of the situation and even said to me that he was the best version of himself when he was with you. The people who didn’t notice the change in him were people who didn’t want to see that change. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me about this before.”
“I didn’t tell anyone,” I admitted. “After she saw me at the funeral she called me. She sounded awful, but she needed me to know what she’d decided.”
“What she’d decided?” Megan said incredulously. “And what was that?”
I huffed out a breath and shook my head. “She agreed with my decision and made sure people believed I’d lost the baby, including her husband and son.”
“The Hills think you lost Holly that night?”
I nodded and looked down at the table, circling one of the condensation rings with my index finger. “So does Libby and all of her minions, and probably Troy and Erin. The idea to keep that the official story was Suzanne’s idea. She was worried that once she died, Dustin’s dad and brother would do something stupid and come after me for custody of Holly. She said Dustin wouldn’t have wanted that.”
“He wouldn’t have,” Meg agreed, sitting back in the booth and staring at me hard.
“Suzanne asked me to send a photo of Holly to her when she was born, and I did, not thinking anything of the request because she was her grandma, but a couple of months later the picture came back in this huge envelope from her lawyer’s office. She’d added me in as a private beneficiary in a second will that she had her lawyer seal. It’s a public document, but them not being aware of the will means they’ve never looked for it. The lawyer explained it in his letter. It was all so technical. The only stipulation on the thing was that the revelation of Holly’s existence is my right.”