A Shot in the Dark

by L. J. Stock

  The whole thing had come out in one long stream of consciousness but cut off abruptly. His eyes were dragged away from his brother’s grave and met mine. They were hollow. Empty. Devoid of the warmth I’d always known to reside there.

  “If I’d stayed away your dad would never have known he was there that night. I killed him, Kay. I was the one who sent him to his death, and I almost got you killed, too.”

  “No.” I closed the distance between us and pulled him into an embrace. He didn’t fight me. He went limp in my arms and lowered us both to our knees where I held him as he fell into a death-like silence of remorse, grief, and guilt. Everything that I, too, had carried for almost fifteen years. He finally moved and swept me up into his arms, holding me like I was a lifeline as I stroked his hair and hummed the first thing that came to mind. I was clinging to my sobs with a thread, but it broke the moment I felt his first warm tears land on my shoulder.

  We cried together. There was no judgment, no self-consciousness, just bleeding of emotions for everything we’d lost and had been taken from us.

  For a future that could have been something beautiful.

  “I’m so sorry,” he finally breathed. “I hated you. I hated you because he loved you—because you made him happy, and because I couldn’t blame myself. You were the easiest target. But now I know.”

  “Know what?” I sniveled.

  “I know why he loved you the way he did.”

  Squeezing my eyes together, I dropped my forehead on his shoulder. As much as I yearned to hear what would come next, I couldn’t let him say the words. It would make leaving that much harder, and I had to leave. I had to think about Holly more than I could think of myself.

  “It has taken me years of blaming myself to see the truth,” I finally said in a subtle attempt to change the subject. I was feeling more enlightened than I had in years, and maybe that was due to the fact that I was finally seeing that I wasn’t the only one blaming themselves for what had happened that night. “The only person who is truly at fault for all of this agony is the person who pulled the trigger. Garrett, life happens the way it’s supposed to happen. We all change directions and make decisions that change the course of our futures, but that night, my father had a gun, and he chose to use it. I can blame myself for being with Dustin all I want. You can blame yourself for pushing him to me that night, but neither of us had that gun, and neither of us pulled that trigger.”

  I could feel the truth of my statement now. They were almost the same words Suzanne Hill had said to me, but it was only now I could see the logic in the words. I couldn’t regret loving Dustin. They were the happiest weeks and months of my life, and that time together had given me Holly. Looking back on the time we’d had, those stolen moments in the grove of trees and on the roof of the gym, they were mine—ours—and I would keep them close forever with no regrets anymore. Would Dustin still be alive if I had turned him away that night he came to my window for the first time? Possibly. But distancing myself from the grief for even a moment, I found that I truly believed we were supposed to meet that night, and if his fatal end was some kind of preordained destiny, this could have always been our course. Maybe this way I got more time with him. I got to love him and feel the love I had longed for most of my life.

  It wasn’t that easy, of course. There would always be some sense of responsibility in my heart, but that was human nature. I’d lived with those thoughts for so long, maybe the new realization would just make the guilt lessen enough to enjoy my memories of the time Dustin and I had spent together. That was something I could live with in time. Just like I would learn to live with the sadness of losing Garrett, too.

  Running my hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, I breathed Garrett in and closed my eyes, pushing my forehead into the curve where his neck and muscular shoulder met. Our grief was shared, the ache of our losses bringing us closer together in a way that could end in disaster. If Libby had wanted to hurt us, she’d managed it. If she wanted to cause irrevocable damage, I believed she’d achieved that, too. But more than all of that, I think she’d wanted Garrett and me to hate one another. Or at least for Garrett to hate me, but I don’t think she’d succeeded in doing that. I hoped she hadn’t.

  “You think it will get easier, but it never does,” Garrett said, his hand finding my hair, his deep voice hoarse. “Losing Dusty, then Mom… it was hard. It was even harder, knowing how angry Mom was with Dad and me for our shitty attitudes. She was the smart one, and she never once blamed you because Dustin confided in her in a way he never had with me. She left me a letter to read after she died. Told me not to be so bitter. Not to grip onto my anger with both hands until it twisted me up, and the best advice she ever gave me was to move out of my parents’ house. I did as soon as I could, and my life got better. I stopped drinking so much and paid attention to what I was doing and saying to people. I ended my tepid relationship with Libby for good and developed my small stud farm on what little land I had left. I finally lived. And even with all of that, I still miss them both, and would give it all up for just one more day with them.”

  “Boy, do I know that feeling,” I admitted, my fingers still trailing in his hair. “Just one more conversation could change everything.”

  “You’re not going to stay in Childress are you?” he asked with a bone-deep sadness. “Not for summer, or to move here?”

  “I can’t stay.” I pulled back and looked up at him, one hand cupping his cheek, my thumb running against the skin under his eye with reverence.

  “Why? Give me one valid reason.”

  My only valid reason was that I didn’t want to introduce my daughter to her uncle who I had been dating for almost three months. It seemed like some wild, fucked up, incest thing when I thought about it with any real solemnity, but he didn’t know she was his niece, and until I was brave enough to sit down and have that conversation with her, I couldn’t share that information with him. This left me with bullshit reasons to feed him, and though they were in some capacity the truth, they weren’t the true reason.

  “I can give you two. Libby and I can’t exist in the same town, and I need to be somewhere else to clear my head and think about this.”

  “What is there to think about?”

  I knew he could feel the chemistry between us with as much force and Earth-shattering clarity as I could. He’d very nearly said a set of words that would have broken me not fifteen minutes earlier, but he needed me to say it. He needed me to vocalize my feelings so he could justify fighting for me, and whatever this was between us. He wanted validation, and I couldn’t give it to him, even if I was in love with him.

  “You may be working past blaming me, but I’m pretty sure there’s a slither of resentment in here,” I said, tapping his temple. “You can’t get past fifteen years of thinking in one night or one conversation. Time apart will give us both some clarity.”

  “I don’t think I need clarity.”

  “I do,” I said, leaning forward and brushing my lips against his, whether it had been my intention or not, that small action said what I couldn’t say aloud. The kiss was filled with my love for him, and the moment he sucked in a surprised and contented breath, I knew he’d felt it, too. The confirmation of my feelings just hadn’t changed my mind. I couldn’t make a decision without talking to Holly.

  “Kay, I can’t let you go.”

  “You have to. At least for now,” I whispered, bringing my other hand up to mirror the placement on his opposite cheek. I met his eyes and held them, falling into the pools of melting chocolate before blinking and dropping my gaze.

  “You said it yourself, there’s a preordained path we all take.”

  I pressed my lips against his and silenced him, holding them there as I drew in a long breath into my nose and held it with my eyes closed before forcing myself to my feet. Garrett gripped my hand in his, squeezing gently before brushing his lips against the back of it and letting me go.

  I walked away without lookin
g back because I knew one gaze over my shoulder and I would go back to him and never leave. I believed in true love, in soul mates, but somehow my soul was now split between two men from the same family. One was dead and gone, and the other now seemed untouchable.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  I cried as I drove home, glad that the lights in the main house were out when I finally arrived. That meant everyone was in bed, asleep as they should be. I made my way up to the apartment as quietly as I could and cried some more as I packed our things back into boxes and suitcases, grateful that Holly and I hadn’t completely unloaded all of our belongings. I cried even more when I realized how much of a fight Holly would put up and how hurt Jen and Megan would be. I thought about Katie and Emmett and their disappointment, and I thought about my own sadness and how much I was giving up. Then, eventually, when things were all ready for our departure, I cried myself to sleep.

  My brain thought about whether things would have been easier if Garrett did still blame me and hate me for what happened to Dustin. Would this all have hurt less if he’d run me out of town in a seething, loathing glare of hatred? No. Not better, I realized. Just a different form of pain and torture than I was experiencing now. I’d never been good at goodbyes, but this was proving harder than most. I felt as though I was, once again, leaving my heart in Childress, while I ran away.

  I finally drifted to sleep around four in the morning, which made the 7:00 a.m. alarm call all the more painful. It blasted out the too cheerful tune into the room with the already warm beams of sunlight washing over the foot of the bed, making the atmosphere seem happier than I was capable of feeling. It was only when I slammed on the snooze that I realized I wasn’t alone. I could hear both Jen and Megan talking quietly in the living room of the apartment, obviously waiting for me to wake up of my own volition. My alarm had been a dead giveaway, though, and before I could so much as release a pained breath of resolution, there was a knock on the bedroom door only seconds before Megan opened and peered around the door.

  “You look like shit, honey,” she said gently. I blinked up at her, and she gave me a sad smile, one arm slipping through the door holding out a steaming mug of coffee. “Figured you’d need this.”

  Sitting up, I rolled the comforter into my lap and patted the bed in front of me. Megan came in without hesitation and handed me the mug, followed by Jen who held two more mugs and an expression that made my heart ache.

  “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question. Jen already knew what the boxes and suitcases meant. She just needed to start the conversation without making me cry. Unfortunately, that was going to be impossible.

  “I have to,” was my response, one hand wrapped around the mug, while the other pushed my hair back from my face.

  “Was he that pissed?” Megan asked, wide-eyed and worried.

  “No.” I shook my head and swiped my hand in front of me, dismissing the notion. “We had a really good talk. He explained some things. I explained things, we cried.”

  “So, who broke it off?”

  I pursed my lips before rolling the bottom one between my teeth in consternation. “I couldn’t keep seeing him without at least explaining to Holly what was going on, and giving her the choice to stay away from the family she’s never known.”

  “Does he know?” Jen asked.

  “That Holly is his niece?” I asked, before shaking my head in response and cupping my mug with both hands again. “No. I wanted to talk to her first. He has a right to know, but she needs to know the truth, she needs time to process it all before we take any kind of step.”

  “Then why leave?” Megan asked.

  “Because one look at her, and Garrett will know. And honestly, I can’t share this town with Libby. She’s more of a bitch than she was in high school.”

  “Yeah. What the hell happened there?”

  I explained everything to the two of them, from the moment I’d arrived at the bar to the conversation at the cemetery. Both of them stayed wide-eyed as I spoke, asking some of the same questions that I myself had asked, and I gave them the answers, too.

  By the end of my recollection, both women were crying along with me. They knew as well as I did that the only real option I had to get my head back on straight was to go back to Colorado and think things through. I couldn’t think with Libby hanging around, either. She would hunt me down for the sole purpose of torturing me, and one look at Holly and she would know she was Dustin’s. The first thing she would do would be to take out a full-page ad in the local newspaper letting everyone know Miki Quinten was back with Dustin’s daughter. She was that spiteful and cruel. She would stop at nothing to hurt me, and through me, my daughter.

  “What now?” Megan asked, sliding her mug onto the nightstand and gripping my knee with both hands. “How can we help?”

  I knew that the time to talk would be gone the moment Holly made her way over here from the main house, and I’d had something on my mind all night. I knew it was the right thing to do, and the faster it was done, the better.

  “Can you find out what parts of the land in my dad’s name was won in the settlement from Garrett? I think he may have sold a little of it.”

  “Should be easy enough,” Jen said, her chin coming to rest on Megan’s shoulder. “What do you want us to do with it?”

  “Give it back to him. Any acreage I own that was once his, gift it back to him.”

  “The rest of it?” Megan asked, her eyes watery again.

  “Nothing. I’m not making any hasty decisions right now, but that land belonged to Garrett, and he should have it back. I don’t need that much property, and Dad left enough money for Holly to go through college twice and buy me three bars. According to his lawyer, some of his investments paid off.”

  “About damn time he pulled his weight,” Jen said, blowing her nose and closing her eyes. “I’ll start the paperwork while you’re talking to Holly. That way you can sign it and mail it when you’re ready.”

  “Thank you. It’s the right thing to do.”

  Jen nodded and rose from her seat, leaning over her daughter to cup my cheek. “I’m going to leave you two for a bit. I’ll use Megan’s computer to remote access the office and get that done. I don’t want you stressing about it. Holly’s a teenager, but she’s not going to sleep forever.”

  “Not when she had a riding lesson scheduled for ten,” I said, cringing. The war was about to turn into an epic battle.

  Jen tapped my nose and kissed Megan on the top of the head before heading out, leaving my best friend and me alone. We both stayed silent for a while, neither one of us knowing what to say. I knew that she had been excited about the prospect of me moving home to Childress. When I’d allowed myself to think about it, I had, too. Outside of the high school politics and the fact that I’d lost Dustin here, I was falling in love with the place. It was beautiful, it’s where the majority of my family was, and I’d even considered knocking down my dad’s old place and opening a small bar. A place that was free of country music and boots and hats. I’d even considered building my dream home close to the trees that had been such a large part of my life before Dustin had died.

  I’d been making plans without really thinking about what that meant. I’d envisioned a future, including a fluffy dog and a barn full of horses for my animal-crazy kid. A future where I was happy, and a future I’d included Garrett in.

  I was an idiot.

  “Did you really punch her in the face?” Megan asked, grinning as she met my eyes.

  I held out my hand, and she examined the red swelling on my knuckles with absolute wonder. “She has a hard face.”

  “I would have paid to see that.”

  “Even though I hate her, I still felt awful for it. I just wanted to feel satisfied with finally putting her on her ass, and all I got was a handful of pain and this overwhelming feeling of shame for not controlling myself better.”

  “Screw all that, Kay, she deserved to be put on her ass. I hope you broke her god
damn face for what she did. It’s better you know who Garrett is, but fuck her because that was your thing to deal with.”

  “She actually said we were the only two to have both the Hill boys–like it was something to brag about.”

  “She’s something else.”

  “I hate her.”

  “You and half the damn town. What was cute when she was a teen is pretty abrasive now she’s an adult.”

  “That why she doesn’t spend much time here anymore?”

  “Pretty much,” Megan said, folding her legs under her. “I’m not really interested in what she does in her life, but people talk. She only comes back to borrow money from her momma, and she stirs up trouble every time she’s here.”

  “She never could stand the thought of life going on without her,” I commented, tracing the pattern of the comforter with my finger. “Like Garrett said, she was screwing him but still wanted the free ride out of town with Dustin.”

  “Don’t worry,” Megan chuckled, perking up a little. “One day her boobs will be bouncing off her knees, and not even makeup will cover her ugliness. She wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the ass, and the day her appearance slips, that free ride she likes so much will be gone, and she will be a lonely old bitch, selling blow—”

  She stopped talking the moment the front door of the apartment slapped shut and looked at me with absolute sympathy. The grunt of frustration that filtered through the living room was more than enough to tell us that Holly was awake, and just realized what was about to happen.

  “Well, you get the point,” Megan said hurriedly, leaning forward to pat my knee. “Want some moral support?”