by Suzy Shearer
Curious as to what had brought her to children’s illustrations he asked, “How did you end up doing children’s books?”
“My old company. They got it for me. I love it. Now I illustrate the books and sometimes do the covers. I’ve also done a few covers for adult fiction and non-fiction. I work from my mother’s house, and it was perfect when my mother first came home from hospital.”
Jake read between the lines and decided she must have had her accident prior to taking up the position out east.
“Sounds as if you have a good relationship with that first place you worked at.”
“I did, I do. I kept in contact with them. My old boss was the Dom who collared me, but then he left the lifestyle. He married and has three children.”
Jake was surprised at the sudden flare of jealousy when she mentioned being collared. He pushed it down and thought it wiser to change the subject yet again.
“You said you had brothers. Do they take care of your mother, too?”
“They’re both married and work through the week. They alternate between the two of them. Each Friday one picks Mom up and then drops her back on Sunday afternoon or evening. That gives me a break. Through the week I’m there for her, although the way she’s improving I don’t think she’ll need us very soon.”
“I’m very happy to hear that. It must have been a worry for you all.”
“It was. We are a close family, and she is the rock that we all lean on.”
A couple walked past, the Dom leading the way, the end of a leash in his hand and his sub following. She was dressed in a pair of tiny blue bikini briefs and nothing else. Around her neck she wore a leather collar with the leash attached. Jake glanced at Emily. She had gasped softly, and it seemed as if she was holding her breath. Once again, her body was stiff in his arms as she blew out a tiny puff of air. The pair passed from view, and Jake wondered what was going through her head. She gave her head a tiny shake and closed her eyes, breathing through her nose. Jake waited until she appeared to have herself under control once more.
“What just happened?”
“Nothing, Sir.”
He gave a soft groan, irritated at her pertinacity.
“Emily, we are not going to get along if you insist on lying to me.”
She dropped her head as her shoulders slumped.
“Look at me!”
She raised her head, and Jake could see her struggling to get herself under some sort of control. She seemed to be fighting against herself.
“Talk to me. Please, Emily.”
“I’m okay, Sir. I really am.”
“In that case tell me what happened.”
“I was only surprised, that’s all, Sir.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “I forgot what it was like.”
“To be leashed, collared?”
“I guess so. Just the whole sub-Dom thing, Sir.”
“But you aren’t willing to play?”
“Not yet. I’m sorry, Sir.”
“Sooner or later, you will. And you will have to open up to me if we have any chance of helping you.”
“I understand, Sir.”
“I promised Master Ash I will give you eight weeks, Emily. You need to realize neither of us can do this forever.”
“Yes, Sir.”
Jake could hear the resigned tone in her voice and knew she would resist him all the way. He may never learn what was eating her up, and it broke his heart. He asked her a little more about her mother. She and Jake talked about families for maybe half an hour. Emily seemed to have relaxed, and Jake got the impression as long as he didn’t ask anything about her accident, anything about her feelings, she was fine, although sometimes he felt as if he had to drag information from her.
Chapter Eleven
It seemed as if he and Emily quickly fell into a pattern—Friday night and Saturday night she would spend most of it sitting on Jake’s knee. He knew she fought within herself. It was that obvious from the way she held her body to the sometimes-whispered chant of “I will not react” that he knew she didn’t realize she’d said aloud. She was an enigma, and Jake found himself thinking of her more and more when they were apart.
Steven and Avril returned from their honeymoon, and Jake spent a few hours talking with his best friend.
“I can’t get through to her, Steve. I’ve talked to Ash, and he’s got no idea what we can do. It’s driving me crazy.”
“I don’t know what to suggest, Jake.”
“Honestly, it seems she has this great big wall built, and nothing is going to tear it down. It’s really odd because in everything else she’s delightful. She’s funny, smart.”
“I know Avril really likes her, and she’s tried to get close but nothing.”
“You should see her when we watch a scene. It’s like I’m subjecting her to torture. At times she’s that stiff in my arms and then she does this little chant under her breath.”
“A chant?”
“Yeah, she keeps saying ‘I will not react’ like she knows if she allows herself to enjoy the scene then she’ll be lost. I don’t understand.”
“Crazy.”
“Each night we meet I ask her to tell me what happened that first night and every night I get the same answer. She honestly won’t tell me.”
“Ash said she’d been in an accident. What was it?”
“I don’t know. I’m assuming it was a car accident. Whenever I’ve mentioned it she freezes completely. It’s pretty obvious it’s related to the way she’s acting, but she simply refuses to talk about it or about anything to do with the lifestyle.”
“Weird. Maybe there was an accident at one of the clubs she was at?”
“No. I thought of that, but Ash rang both managers—nothing. Seems whatever it was it happened between her leaving Threshold and joining The Lair, and the only thing we know of is this mysterious accident.”
“I guess you just have to wait until she’s ready to talk. You’ve got your work cut out, my friend.”
“Yeah, well I promised Ash eight weeks, but I don’t think even eight months would make a difference.” He couldn’t hide his resignation, or his disappointment in himself for not being able to help Emily.
****
Those eight weeks proved fruitless at finding out what was happening with Emily. Jake wished he could break through her barriers because she was now firmly entrenched in his heart, but he knew it was useless. His Little Bird was an enigma.
On one hand she was sensuous, alluring, and most certainly desirable, and yet she kept him at arm’s length. He could easily see the scenes they watched together appealed to her, yet she never reacted except to breathe heavily and tighten her body as if holding back any sign of emotion—or to chant her mantra. Jake was positive her heavy breathing had nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with fear. But of what? She always held herself stiff, and even when she softened in his arms there was a tenseness about her. Jake had come to the conclusion she was simply afraid to relax.
She appeared friendly to those they met. A few times they’d joined Steven and Avril eating in the dining area. Emily chatted easily but always managed to keep the conversation on trivial things. Avril confessed she really liked Emily but hadn’t been able to get her to tell her anything about herself other than she’d been in the lifestyle for a great many years. She told her about her family, her work, but wouldn’t speak about anything else.
Emily even took Kaden’s joking good naturedly, but nothing would pierce the armor she’d built around herself. Jake had tried everything he could think of to break through, but absolutely nothing worked.
Unfortunately, the eight weeks he’d promised Ash would be up a week on Saturday Jake was no further advanced than he’d been that first night. He was angry with himself. He’d been confident in the beginning, but here it was two months later and nothing had changed. She’d steadfastly refused to speak about what had, and still was, scaring her. His repeated questions were me
t with the same answer—“I was scared, Sir” or “I’m sorry, Sir”. It was frustrating. He knew somewhere deep inside was the passionate woman who desperately wanted to escape, but instead Emily held her captive.
Jake went into Ash’s office and almost threw himself on the couch in frustration.
“What’s up? You worried about something, Jake?”
“Ash, I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you mean?”
“Our wounded bird.”
“Ah, Emily.”
“I’ve tried everything I can think of, Ash, to break through that wall except force. Something is robbing her of living. Something happened that was so bad for her that she’s shut down her emotions rather than face it. Every now and again I get a tiny glimpse of the real Emily, but as soon as she realizes what she’s doing, she clamps down hard and back is the woman who is in such forced control that it’s as if she’s detached herself from living.”
“I rang Bevan Fuller to see if she’d made friends in the short time she was there, but he said no. Told me she was the same as she was when she first came here—only sitting on the outside and never letting anyone get close. Of course, she was there less than two weeks so he didn’t really get a chance to see her.”
“Well, I’ve almost given you your eight weeks, Ash. It’s only this weekend and then the next Friday and Saturday, but I honestly think there’s something changed inside her and this lifestyle isn’t for her anymore. Shame really, because she’s a beautiful woman, and I get these tiny hints that she was a passionate and sensuous one.”
“Thanks, Jake. Maybe it’s time for me to have another talk with her.”
“I think you should. I wish it hadn’t come to this, but…”
Jake shrugged, feeling unhappy with himself. He wanted to get close to her, but he wanted more than the frightened woman he held in his arms.
“Okay, Jake, I’ll speak with her next Saturday night when she comes in. She’s here now?”
“Yes. She’s gone to the bathroom.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know what happens.”
“Thanks, Ash.”
Jake was angry with himself. It was his duty to care for Emily, to protect her. But how do you protect someone from themselves? He left the office and climbed the stairs to the quiet area he’d told Emily to meet him. She was kneeling, waiting for his return. Sitting down, he gathered her onto his knees. She resisted at first, as she always did, then relaxed. They watched a scene. Then the stage cleared, and one of the subs cleaned the area.
“Sir?”
“Yes, Little Bird.”
“Sir, will you spank me?”
He stared at her puzzled. She’d never asked anything before.
“Tell me why I should spank you?”
She shrugged, obviously trying to come up with a reason that would satisfy him. He waited.
“Because I haven’t told you why I got scared?”
“I’m not sure that’s your real reason, but I’ll accept it.”
He stood and pointed to the fuck bench. “You will stretch over it, and then I will cuff you. First, I will go and get my bag. When I return, you will be waiting on the bench.”
“Yes, Sir.”
He left. Then when he returned he saw her tense, but she was sitting on the bench. As soon as she saw him she laid her body over it, face down. She wore a tight-fitting corset with a thong, which meant those luscious round cheeks were bared. He loved her body. He’d always loved plus-sized women’s bodies and wished he could strip Emily naked and play with it, but she wasn’t ready. Maybe finally this was the start? He hoped it would be, but in the back of his mind he knew she might never be ready.
He cuffed her ankles and moved to her head, and her eyes were wide with fear. He cuffed her right wrist.
“Emily. Your left arm. Are you able to have it cuffed?”
“Yes, Sir. I guess so. I haven’t tried. I know can’t straighten it above my head properly, Sir.”
“Fine, but you will tell me immediately if you get pain from it.”
“Yes, Sir.”
He restrained her left wrist, wondering what other injuries she’d sustained in the accident.
“How many do you deserve?”
He could see her thinking, trying to come up with a number that would satisfy them both.
“Fifteen, Sir?”
“Good. You will count.”
“Sir?”
“Yes.”
“Sir, you won’t hold back, will you?”
“Never, Emily. I think a paddle would be fine, and you will call red if you find it too much.”
She watched him fearfully as he selected a paddle from his bag—not too large or too small but one that would certainly sting on her recently untried flesh. He rubbed her cheeks, savoring the tender, soft skin. Adjusting the bench so that her ass was higher, he felt his cock tighten against his leather pants.
What would it be like to sink it into her ass? To fuck her?
He struck. She whimpered, “One, Sir.”
He rubbed a hand along her skin, feeling her body shake slightly.
Getting into the swing, he landed three in quick succession, her cheeks beginning to take on a pink tinge. He ran a hand up her leg and caressed her bottom before giving her another five. Her voice held pain, but he blocked it out after checking she wasn’t extending herself needlessly. Reassured she could easily use her safeword, he continued.
By the time he’d reached fifteen both ass cheeks were hot and bright red, all the imprints of the paddle clearly visible. Unfastening the restraints, he stood her up. She stumbled slightly, and he easily lifted her into his arms and strode to a couch.
So softly he barely heard, she murmured, “I’m still dead.”
Her voice was filled with such regret, such grief, that it felt like a knife through his heart.
So that was her reason.
She must have figured by being struck enough, she would feel something besides the pain of the paddles. Instead it hadn’t worked.
What on earth am I going to do with her?
Chapter Twelve
Emily entered Silk Rope just after seven the following Saturday evening. She was so disappointed with herself. She thought by finally allowing Jake to touch her, to spank her, she’d get aroused, excited, yet still be able to contain her pain. She liked him, liked him more than she could ever admit, and yet nothing. She held the emotions so deep that now she truly was dead inside. She wanted to scream and cry, but that would lead to a more dangerous reveal. Instead, she’d allowed him to rub aloe onto her body and hold her close, murmuring the silly nonsense that most Doms seem to do. Words that gave a sub a feeling of love, of protection, of being cared for. Yet even then she’d had to armor herself.
“Good evening, Emily. How are you?”
“Hello, Stan. I’m fine.”
“Master Ash has asked if you could spare him a few minutes.”
Emily felt her heart sink to her stomach, and she tasted bile.
“Now?”
“If you could. He’s in his office.”
Emily pulled her coat tighter across her body and walked down the corridor to Ash’s office. She almost stumbled as she knocked hesitantly on the door, her mouth dry, her heart hammering against her ribs.
“Come in.”
“You wanted to see me, Master Ash?”
“Ah, Emily. Take a seat.”
He stood and came around from the large dark wood desk and sat on a couch opposite him. He still frightened her. He was so much the dominant, and she knew he held her life at the club in his hands.
“I know we spoke when you first came here, but I think it’s time to face facts, Emily. Your heart doesn’t seem to be in the lifestyle any more. You haven’t scened at all, and you’ve not opened up to Master Jake.”
“I scened. Last week. Master Jake spanked me.”
“So I heard. Personally, I don’t think we could call that a scene, but be honest, Emily, what would
normally happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“When a Dom and sub have a spanking session. What more often than not would happen?”
She bent her head to examine her shoes and mumbled, “They’d probably continue with more intimate things.”
“Look at me, Emily.”
She raised her eyes and saw compassion in his.
No! Not compassion, please don’t show me compassion or pity!
Her breathing increased, and she felt sick with what was about to come.
“Emily, I don’t think this lifestyle is yours anymore. I honestly believe you would be better back in the vanilla world. Our world doesn’t seem to hold any excitement or meaning for you anymore. It’s as if you’re forcing yourself to watch scenes, to be here.”
She could only shake her head vigorously, biting down hard on her lip.
“Emily, face the facts. You’ve been here over four months. You’ve scened twice, and one of those ended with you almost catatonic before the scene even started. You won’t open up.”
Emily felt frantic. She had a sudden surge of adrenaline. It was as if someone had put her chest into a vise as she screamed, “I can’t … I can’t leave!”
“Emily, will you talk to me? Will you tell me what it is that’s preventing you from enjoying life, and I mean life in general, not merely this life?”
“No! Oh please, Sir. Please, Master Ash, don’t make me leave. Don’t make me talk. I can’t tell you.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
I can’t cry! I can’t break!
Emily clenched her fists, her nails biting deeply into her palms. She focused on the pain, anything to stop the walls from tumbling down. The ache across her chest was worse, and it was hard to breathe properly. She put a hand to her chest, pushing hard against it, against the terror.
“Emily!”
“Sir, please! Sir, I’m begging. Please don’t make me leave. I’ll try, I’ll try much harder.”
Those dark eyes held such compassion that Emily had to fight hard not to break down and confess.
“Emily, I honestly don’t understand. Help me.”
“I can’t leave, Master Ash. I honestly have to be here. It’s all I have left.”