by Suzy Shearer
She saw his face change, his whole demeanor. She saw he was resigned to a decision he’d made.
“Oh, Emily. What are we going to do with you?”
Don’t cry! Oh God, please help me, I can’t cry!
But the tears came, unheeding her pleas. “I’ll try, Sir.”
“We both know you won’t. We both know whatever it is that you’re holding in is stopping you from even trying to open up.”
The walls inside her began shaking. She couldn’t let that happen! Not here, not now! What would she do if he made her leave the club? She couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t handle living day-to-day without knowing twice a week she had the sanctuary of the club to protect her.
“Sir, please?”
He shook his head, “It’s not working, Emily. This isn’t filling what you need.”
“Sir, I’m safe here.”
“Safe? That’s a strange word to use, Emily.”
“You have to understand, Sir, I need to be here.” She begged desperately, “Please, oh please, Sir, let me stay.”
“Emily, I honestly don’t understand your need. Are you sure you can’t talk to me, to Master Jake?’
She could only shake her head, her tears dripping, and then she heard him sigh.
“I know I’m being stupid, but you can stay if it means that much to you.”
“Truly, Master? Truly?”
“Yes, but I don’t know if Master Jake will continue to care for you.”
Shit! I didn’t see that coming. What will I do without him?
“If I promise him to try harder, please, Master Ash, please ask him not to give up on me.”
“I can ask, but, Emily, it will be his decision, not mine.”
Downcast, she could only murmur, “I understand, Sir.”
“Emily, listen to me carefully. This is my final decision. I will give you three months. If things are the way they are now then I’m afraid the club really isn’t for you anymore, and you’ll need to face the fact that our world isn’t yours any longer.”
Three months! Oh my God, I can’t live without coming here!
“I’m not sure this is the right thing to do, Emily, but I do understand that in some way it’s really important to you to be here.”
“It is, Sir, thank you, Sir. I do promise to try harder.”
“Good, but as I said I don’t know that it will be with Master Jake. If he says no, I’ll see if another Master is willing to take you on.”
Another Master? But I want Master Jake!
Somehow, she nodded her understanding. She rubbed her eyes, and sniffed, then said, “Thank you, Sir.”
“Off you go.”
“Thank you, Master Ash.”
Emily almost ran from his office. It had been a close thing. How could she survive outside? It was hard enough on the days through the week when she wasn’t able to come here. Hard to ignore the worried frowns from her mother, from her brothers and their partners. Thank goodness she was now freelancing and could work from home. Emily found it almost impossible to leave the house, to face the outside world.
She would go to the supermarket for her mother. The entire time her heart would race, and she’d scan her surroundings fearfully, checking every car, every person. She’d race through the store throwing food into her trolley then scoot back home as quickly as possible. Her sessions with her therapist were spent in almost total silence. She was so frightened. It was totally illogical. Emily knew she was beginning to unravel. If Ash had insisted she leave Silk Rope, Emily wasn’t sure she could survive even a week.
Emily stood in the changing room trying to calm herself down. Once she felt back in control, she dropped her belongings in the locker and went in search of Jake in the lounge and saw Ash speaking with him. She dropped back and hid behind one of the frames blocking off the area. She’d wait until Ash left.
Please let Master Jake stay with me. I need him.
After ten minutes she peeked and saw Jake was alone. Steeling herself, she walked to him and knelt before him.
“I thought you’d got lost, Little Bird.”
“I’m sorry, Sir. I saw you talking to Master Ash and waited until he left.”
“He told me what happened in his office. Emily, I…”
“Please, Sir, please don’t give up on me.” She grabbed his hands, begging.
That was all she could do—plead, she could only beg him and hope he’d agree.
“I was going to say I’ll give you another six weeks, ‘til the end of December. But Emily, you need to be honest. I can’t help you, I can’t care for you, protect you if I don’t know what it is I have to protect you from. Do you understand?”
Disheartened, she could only reply, “Yes, Sir.”
“If you haven’t opened up in six weeks, then I’m sorry but you will have to find a new Dom or a Master who will take you on. Master Ash has told me he will give you three months. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Tell me.”
Her voice cold as ice, she acknowledged, “I have six weeks to open up to you, Sir. I only have three months to try and live the lifestyle again or I must leave.”
He nodded the held out his arms.
“Come, sit. I think we’ll simply relax tonight.”
Emily sat down on his knee. He seemed to love having her in his arms, and she snuggled against him. With him she felt safe, protected, even though he didn’t know what he was protecting her from. She wondered what he would say if she told him he was protecting her from herself? With his arms around her it was easier to hold back those terrors. They passed the evening sitting in the lounge for a few hours, and then Jake made her watch a scene before she left about one in the morning.
The next four weeks were spent in an almost identical way. She would sit with Jake. He would ask her to tell him what scared her, and she’d refuse. They’d watch various scenes, and then she’d go home. In the back of her mind, Emily was worried. He’d promised her six weeks, and then if she didn’t explain what had happened she’d be set adrift. She could see it perfectly from Ash’s viewpoint. It really did seem as if she was no longer suited to the BDSM lifestyle. How would she be able to convince him she still wanted to live in it, even if it was only on the fringe?
On top of that, if Jake left her she knew perfectly well no Dom or Master would take her on, not if Jake hadn’t been able to help her. Emily had heard talk, heard that Jake was the most caring, the most patient of all the Doms in the club. She’d also overheard something had happened with the woman he’d collared. She didn’t know what, assuming she’d passed away. But whatever it was, the person she had listened to mentioned that it had affected him deeply and he’d not been involved with a woman since. Now Emily was in real danger of being set adrift and realized she would never be any more to Jake than someone he was caring for temporarily. She was unravelling—afraid to face her terror and yet afraid not to.
How was she going to survive? And how would she endure not being with Jake each weekend?
It had been a hard four weeks trying to resist giving in, but she’d managed this long. Jake would only look after for her another two weeks. After that she’d still be safe in Silk Rope, even if no one wanted her. She’d still be able to sit on the sidelines in safety—but only for six more weeks after Jake gave up on her. Then she’d be forced to face the world without the safety net of the club.
What the fuck can I do? How the hell do I face the truth? I know I have to—somehow, I have to.
Chapter Thirteen
The past five weeks had been traumatic, to say the least. The last two evenings Jake had increased the pressure on Emily. Each night Jake would ask Emily if she was prepared to open up to him, and each time was met with the same answer: “I can’t.” There was only next Friday and Saturday. Tonight, he was determined to push her as far as he could. Last night he’d thought he saw a crack in her. He’d seen her eyes fill with tears and one had escaped to run slowly down her cheek before
she’d steeled herself. Ash had told him she’d cried when she thought he was asking her to leave the club. Jake was hoping these tiny signs were the beginnings of her opening up. He didn’t want to lose her.
Tonight, and only one more Saturday night. He’d told Emily to wait for him upstairs, He had directed her to which stage she must wait for him, ordering her to watch a scene while he spoke with Steven. Now he climbed the stairs, his heart heavy. Next Saturday night he would be forced to carry out his threat. He didn’t want to. He wanted to care for this broken bird forever. But the truth was, if she wouldn’t open up then there was no one who would be able to help her. She would die emotionally a little more and more each day, and he would die with her.
Jake watched Emily—she hadn’t seen him and was now standing, watching a scene as he’d instructed. She seemed agitated. Something about this was causing her even more agony. A woman had just screamed out as her orgasm rolled across her. Her partner was untying the straps holding her on the fuck bench and gathering her up in his arms after putting the “for cleaning” sign on the bench. Emily’s posture was still tense, yet nothing out of the ordinary was happening on the stage. One of the free subs quickly cleaned down the equipment and removed the sign. Jake walked up behind Emily and stood a few paces behind, watching as another sub, Denise, was led onto the stage.
Her Dom obviously didn’t think she moved fast enough and smacked her bottom before directing her to the St. Andrew’s cross. Jake couldn’t remember if he and Emily had watched a scene involving the cross. He didn’t think they had.
No, he was certain they hadn’t. Maybe the cross was her problem?
Emily’s body stiffened even more as Denise stood against it. Denise protested loudly, but Jake knew it was all show. He knew how much she loved being on display, spread-eagled before her Dom. As Evan Reilly fastened each ankle restraint, Denise would scream louder. Emily’s whole body began to shake, and he could see her gasping for breath.
Coming behind her, he put his arms around her. It was as if he’d put his arms around a plank of wood—she jumped then immediately became very stiff and unmoving.
“Emily, it’s okay. Denise loves this type of play.”
But Emily didn’t move. Then suddenly she began panting for breath as her shoulders began shaking. As Jake dropped his arms and went to turn her to face him, another Dom, Simon Agnew, joined the pair on the stage and ran his hand across Denise’s breasts. He then forced her arms above her head.
It seemed a catalyst because Emily suddenly screamed, a loud, gut-wrenching howl that went right through him, and then she fell. Jake caught her and swung her into his arms, taking her to one of the couches in the scene area. He could hear her loud heaving gasps as he sat, with her on his lap.
“Emily, look at me.”
But those honey eyes had lost focus. Wherever she was, it wasn’t in Silk Rope. As he watched her eyes rolled back in her head, and she passed out.
Fuck!
A sub was walking past, and he called to her. “Quickly. Find Master Iain. Tell him I need him urgently in the green room.” He knew it held a bed and hoped it was vacant.
The sub took off running as Jake stood, cradling Emily. Denise and the two Doms stared at him fearfully, obviously wondering what on earth had happened as Jake carried Emily toward the private room alongside them. Fortunately, no one was using it as he laid her on the bed, worried because she was still unresponsive.
“Emily, Emily!”
He lifted his head as Iain and Ash entered, followed quickly by Anne and her sub-husband, Brian. “Iain, thank goodness!”
Iain directed Brian to get his medical bag from the front desk and Ash asked Anne to reassure anyone who heard what happened that everything was under control. Iain had his fingers on her wrist, taking her pulse.
“What’s happened?”
“She passed out and hasn’t come ‘round.”
“What were you doing?”
“Nothing. She was watching a scene, then gave a blood-curdling scream.”
“That was her?”
“Yes.”
He felt her move in his arms as Iain let go of her wrist. Her eyes opened slowly.
“Pulse is fast.”
“Can you think of any reason why she would react that badly?”
“Have no idea. Denise was being tied to the cross, and Simon joined Evan to play.”
“Emily, look at me,” Jake demanded.
Her eyes swung slowly to his face.
“Tell me why you screamed.”
She stared at him blankly as if she had no idea who he was. She seemed completely out of it. Iain took his bag from Brian when he brought it into the room and wrapped a blood pressure cuff on her arm, then took the reading as Brian left to join his Mistress.
“It’s high, but not dangerously. Her pulse is still fast.”
Jake spoke softly. “Emily. Tell me what is wrong?”
She gave a long, drawn-out, half scream, “No!”
She was terrified, but not of him, rather of whatever it was that had scared her. Jake felt his heart melt. This tiny bird had broken through the ice core he had for a heart and caused it to beat fast at the sight of her. Now she was in trouble, her pain evident, and all he wanted to do was hold her tight and promise to protect her forever. But instead he knew he needed to sort this out once and for all.
“This has gone on long enough. You need to talk to me now.”
“I…”
Iain touched Jake on the shoulder.
“Jake, I think she needs to sleep. Something terrified her enough to make her pass out. Leave it. She needs rest.”
Jake shrugged him off angrily. “No, Iain. This has been going on for too long. She won’t talk, but she will now.”
“Jake, listen to Iain.”
“Ash, you know as well as I do that the longer this goes on the more damage is being done. We’ve tried for months, no more. Now, you two, please leave.”
“No.” It was obvious Ash was worried, but he added, “Against my better judgment I think you’re right, but we’ll stick around in case you need us.”
“I’m not happy about this, Jake.” Iain turned to Ash and asked quietly, “Did you say she’s seeing a therapist?”
“Yes. Dulcie Laws. It’s on her enrolment form.”
“Dulcie? I know her well. She only handles bad trauma, rape cases.”
Jake’s gaze leaped to his friends. “What!”
“Hang off for a minute please, Jake. Don’t do anything yet. Let me make a call.”
Iain went to the house phone in the room and got Stan at the front desk to ring a number for him. They listened as he spoke quietly.
“Dulcie? Iain Nelson. Sorry to call you at home this late but I need some advice urgently. We have a client of yours here, Emily Miller.”
Jake half-listened as Iain explained what had happened. He kept rocking Emily, murmuring, telling her how lovely she was, how much he enjoyed being with her. She seemed completely unaware of her surroundings, but she did keep her gaze locked onto his face as if it was the only thing holding her sanity in place. He got the impression if she looked away she’d explode. She seemed to be using him as an anchor.
Iain was nodding his head, saying “yes” and “no”, obviously to questions Dulcie asked. He dropped his voice and spoke too quietly for the others to hear. Then they heard him say, “You sure?”
He thanked her and hung up. Turning to the other he spoke quietly.
“Dulcie said she’s been trying for months to get through to her. She won’t cry. She won’t tell how she feels. She only sits there and rarely talks. She wouldn’t tell me what Emily was in therapy for but did finally acknowledge it was rape when pressed. It happened around eleven months ago, in January, and she’s been in this frozen state ever since. Dulcie has been in contact with her other counselor, and she told her the same thing. They’ve tried to get her to talk, tried to make her realize bottling her emotions was doing more harm. Dulc was unwilli
ng to say anymore. In fact, she said she’d given me too much private information. She didn’t want to breach patient confidentiality any more than she felt she had.”
“So, do I press or back off?”
“Dulc said backing off hasn’t helped. Maybe this will. But she has insisted I stand by in case. I don’t like this, Jake. I don’t like it one bit.”
Jake nodded. “Neither do I.”
He caught Emily’s face between his hands.
“Little Bird, we are going to stay here until you tell me everything. Do you understand?”
There was no response from her except her eyes staring into his, rarely blinking.
“Emily, you will tell me everything.”
Finally, she shook her head after he’d told her the same thing about half a dozen times.
“Yes, Emily. Why did the scene you just witnessed scare you?”
Finally, she went to drop her gaze, and Jake fought within himself. He hated what he was about to do but knew he had to if there was any chance of getting her to finally open up. He drew a breath and, in his harshest voice, demanded, “Look at me, sub! Do not take your eyes off me!”
She lifted her gaze, the hurt glance she gave him cutting through him like a knife. It hurt deeply, but somehow, he knew he had to remain stern.
“Either you speak now or I’ll strap you to that cross over there and beat it out of you!”
If he’d thought she was terrified before that was nothing to what she did now. Her face whitened, her eyes opening so wide, it frightened him. He thought she would shout or even pass out again. He could see her take a huge gulp of air, and her chest expanded as she got ready to release the scream.
“I mean it, sub. Answer me!”
That threatened shriek found its voice, and it echoed painfully through the ears of the listeners. Jake felt like a torturer as he demanded once again, “Answer now.”
She kept screaming, shaking her head in fear.
Worried, Iain touched Jake’s arm. “Maybe you should leave it.”
Jake merely shook his head and steeled himself against his own pain.
“Answer!”
Breathlessly, she gasped, “Yes. Yes, Sir. Please, no.”