Andrew

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  Josh seemed to chew very carefully on his words. “Evelyn was furious I let you go like that, and she’ll throw me out if I don’t bring you back.”

  Mary’s eyes went wide with indignation. “This isn’t even about me or the baby. You’re worried about losing your rent-free basement.”

  “That’s not true,” Josh growled. “I love you and so does Evelyn. She says I’m a deadbeat dad, and the baby hasn’t even been born yet. But I’m not ashamed to admit I didn’t want the baby in the first place.”

  “Yes,” Mary said. “I know.”

  “Evelyn is worried about her stepgrandson, and she says I can’t come back until I take care of it.”

  Mary huffed out a breath. “Forget it. I know what ‘taking care of it’ means to you.”

  Something hot flared in Josh’s expression. “You can’t be free with a baby, Mary. It would be better for everyone if you left it here for your parents to raise.”

  Mary lifted an eyebrow. “Better for you.”

  Josh had lived with Mary for almost two years, but he didn’t even know her. Mary would never abandon her child like that.

  Josh obviously thought he was being perfectly reasonable. “Put it up for adoption. It would give the baby a good, stable home with parents who could take care of him, and we’d be free to do what we’ve always wanted to do.”

  Mary dug her fingernails into Andrew’s arm. He didn’t even flinch. If she needed something to hit, he’d give her his face. “I’m not going to put my baby up for adoption for your convenience,” she said.

  “It’s not for convenience. It’s for freedom. You’ve always wanted to be free. We’d both be happier without being tied down by a baby.”

  “Or a rent payment.” Mary’s glare could have lit one of Josh’s cigarettes.

  “That’s not why I came, Mary. I want you back. I love you, and I know you love me.”

  Andrew held his breath. Did Mary love Josh? Mary had never told Andrew why she had left Josh. Maybe, like Sol said, Josh had thrown her out, and she’d had no choice but to come back to the community. Andrew didn’t want it to be true, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t.

  Mary released her grip on Andrew, folded her arms, and tilted her head to one side. “You’d take me with the baby?”

  It was like a knife to the heart. Was Mary really considering going back to Josh? And where would that leave Andrew but completely lost? He should have paid more heed to Sol’s warning.

  “Of course with the baby. Evelyn will babysit anytime we want. She wants a grandchild.” He didn’t look up when he said it, so Andrew couldn’t tell if he was sincere, even though the words sounded like poison when they came out of his mouth. Would Josh love his baby or simply treat her as a nuisance, or worse? No child deserved to grow up with a fater who didn’t love her. Andrew bit his tongue on an accusation. It didn’t matter what he thought, only what Mary believed. Andrew had never felt so heavy, as if the weight of all of Mary’s choices pressed him into the ground.

  Mary lifted her chin and stared at Josh with a fierceness Andrew had never seen before. “It was unfair of me to ask that question, Josh. It doesn’t matter if you say you’d accept the baby. I’m not moving back. I don’t love you anymore.”

  Josh threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped on it. “I made one mistake. One mistake.”

  “Don’t yell at Mary,” Andrew said, torn between indignation at Josh’s temper and sheer relief that maybe Mary wasn’t going to leave the community, at least not for Josh.

  Josh eyed Andrew with unreserved hostility before spitting his venom at Mary. “Are you leaving me for him? Why don’t you just get a puppy? The conversation would be more interesting.”

  “It’s none of your business, Josh.”

  Josh circled Andrew like a lone wolf might circle its prey, but Andrew wasn’t so easily intimidated. He pulled little boys out of burning buildings. He yanked broken toes back into place. Josh narrowed his eyes. “Don’t get your hopes up, Amish boy. Mary will do anything to get what she wants. She pretended to love me just to get out of here. When that didn’t work for her anymore, she came back.”

  Mary pressed her lips together and turned her head as if Josh had slapped her. The anguish on her face was so real, Andrew was surprised that she didn’t cry out in pain.

  “If you believe that,” Andrew said, “then you don’t know Mary at all.”

  Josh pulled another cigarette from his pocket. “She’ll use you to get her freedom, just like she used me. Has she asked you to leave the community and run away with her yet?”

  “Of course not.”

  Josh seemed to pull all his rage into himself like a brewing storm. “I don’t know who this guy is, Mary, but this life isn’t for you. Don’t you remember what it was like? You were a prisoner. Remember how your parents made you feel when you even had a thought of your own? How you were going to suffocate if you couldn’t get out?”

  “I remember,” Mary said quietly, glancing at Andrew and placing a protective hand on her stomach. “I don’t know what I want, Josh. But I do know that I don’t want to go back with you. I’ve made too many mistakes already.”

  Andrew studied Mary’s face. When he’d first met her, he had accused her of feeling no remorse for her sins. One look at the pain in her eyes, and he realized how wrong he had been. Mary was sorry for everything, and she still keenly felt the sting of her choices. Andrew’s heart ached for her. Didn’t she remember what she had told him? Jesus had washed her sins away. She could rejoice in that.

  Josh pressed his lips into a hard line and glared at her, the anger raging in his eyes. “I’ll sue for custody. I’ll take your baby away from you if you don’t come back.”

  Andrew’s entire body tensed. Mary turned to stone beside him. “Would you really use my baby to control me the way my parents used the church?” Her voice shook with fear.

  Josh squared his shoulders. “That baby is half mine.”

  “Yes, it is.” Andrew felt her hands tremble around his arm. “But that would make you just like my parents—maybe worse, because my parents think they are doing what God would have them do.”

  Josh sensed he’d upset her. “Don’t bring God into this. God would want my baby to have a father.”

  “As God wills,” Mary whispered. Andrew suspected she was barely holding on to her composure.

  He laced his fingers through hers. She could lean on him for strength. He wouldn’t fail her. And he would not watch Josh hurt her anymore. “You need to leave now, Josh,” Andrew said. “You’re not welcome here, and coming from an Amish person, that’s saying something.”

  Josh kept his gaze on Mary. “You better get yourself a good Amish lawyer because I’m coming for my baby.”

  Andrew thought he might spontaneously catch on fire he was so angry. He raised a hand and pointed to the oak tree. “My brother is spying on us from that tree over there. I just have to give the word, and he’ll run to the house and fetch about twenty Amish farm boys who lift hay bales for fun. One of them could break your arm like a twig. Maybe you better leave before you make me angry.”

  Josh’s gaze flicked toward the house. Everyone was in the front yard—not an Amish boy to be seen, but he got the idea. He pretended not to be the slightest bit alarmed. “Bring all the Amish boys you want. You don’t believe in violence. They’d only try to stare me to death. Or maybe sing.”

  “Maybe,” Andrew said, “but they might be willing to make an exception for you. We all get kind of testy when people smoke around our hay supply.”

  Josh didn’t look scared, but he didn’t exactly look comfortable either. He backed in the direction of his car. “Maybe you better unblock my number, Mary. I’ll be calling about visitation. Soon.” Josh took one last look at Andrew and without another word, strolled around the barn and out of sight. Mary folded her arms and took a few steps in Josh’s direction, as if making sure he was really going. She turned and looked at Andrew. They stared silently at each other unt
il they heard Josh start his car and drive off.

  Without taking his eyes from Mary, Andrew called up into the tree. “Alfie Petersheim, climb down from that tree and go to the house this minute.”

  A groan came from a low branch. “How did you know I was here?”

  “Go now, or I’m telling Mamm.”

  Andrew looked over his shoulder as Alfie let himself down from the branch and gave Andrew a pleading look. “But I helped you. You told him I was going to get help.”

  Andrew returned Alfie’s plea with the meanest face he could make. Alfie promptly turned and tromped toward the house, looking back occasionally to see if Andrew was still watching.

  When Alfie was halfway to the house, Mary sighed as if she’d been holding her breath and walked straight into Andrew’s embrace. His surprise lasted a few motionless seconds, then he wrapped his arms around her and tugged her closer. It seemed the natural thing to do and so wunderbarr. She buried her face in his neck, and he felt wet tears against his skin. “It’s okay, Mary. It’s going to be okay.”

  “I never should have . . .” Her voice disintegrated into a sob, and he held her tighter.

  “You of all people know that should-haves lead nowhere. Gotte wants who you are now and will turn it for your good.”

  She lifted her head. “Will He? What good can come of losing my baby?”

  “Nothing. Nothing good can come of that, but Lord willing, it will never happen. Josh can’t even afford to pay rent. Can he afford a lawyer? He’s mad at you, but spite will only drive him so far. He might reconsider before he’s even left the city limits.” He brushed a tear off her face with his thumb.

  She stifled another sob. “He hated the very thought of a baby. It’s why I finally got up the courage to leave him. He wanted me to have an abortion.” Her voice cracked. “Do you know what that is?”

  Andrew nodded slowly as horror engulfed him.

  “I knew,” she said. “I knew for months that it wasn’t going to work out with Josh, but I’d done so many bad things that I didn’t know if I could come back. I didn’t know where to go, so I stayed.”

  “You did the best you could. I can’t imagine trying to live in the Englisch world. It’s hard enough for Englischers—nearly impossible for an Amish girl.”

  She wiped away another tear. “In some ways I was freer than I had ever been. I could make my own decisions about work and school, I could wear anything I wanted, I could drive a car. But I went against Gotte and his commandments and put myself in bondage to sin. Josh and I are from different worlds. I realized I couldn’t live with a man who doesn’t believe what I hold most dear. I’d turned my back on so many things I believe in. When Josh insisted on an abortion, I knew I had to leave, no matter the consequences. There are some things I could never bring myself to do, not even for my freedom—especially for my freedom. I knew I couldn’t do it if I wanted to live with myself. I’ve disappointed so many people.”

  “You haven’t disappointed me. I admire you more than ever.”

  “You shouldn’t. Josh was right. I used him. I used him to get me out of Bienenstock.”

  “Maybe he used you. You paid for his car.”

  She sighed. “Part of it. It’s still mostly his. Even when I knew I couldn’t stay with him anymore, I stayed because I needed a bed and I needed the work and a car. I used him for my own selfish desires.”

  Andrew rubbed the back of his fingers against her cheek. “There’s nothing selfish about choosing to have a baby you didn’t plan on or coming back to the community for your baby’s sake, even when you knew you might not be welcome.”

  She blinked back more tears. “That’s very sweet of you to say.” She turned and gazed in the direction Josh’s car had gone. “But I have been selfish, and that realization brings me much pain.”

  “But don’t you remember what you told me? Jesus has forgiven you. You should forgive yourself.”

  Mary shook her head. “I thought I had, but seeing my parents today and talking to Josh has been like a kick in the teeth.”

  Andrew curled one side of his mouth. “You’ve been kicked in the teeth plenty. It’s time to let it be and save that nice smile of yours.”

  “Easy for you to say,” she said. “You have the best set of teeth in Bienenstock.”

  “My mammi would be very glad to hear you say that. She’s bought us all special toothpaste. It tastes like dirt.”

  It melted Andrew’s heart to hear Mary laugh after everything that had happened today. She suddenly gasped and grabbed Andrew’s hand. “The baby is kicking.” She placed his hand on her abdomen. “Do you feel it?”

  Andrew decided not to even question the propriety of touching Mary’s stomach. If she was willing to share something so intimate, he would take it as a gift and let his misgivings lie. He held his breath as he sensed the shape of a tiny foot under Mary’s skin, a small miracle taking shape inside of her. His astonishment was almost palpable, like a thousand bright lights that he could reach out and touch. “It’s wunderbarr, Mary,” he whispered.

  A smile grew slowly on her lips. “I know.”

  “Andrew!”

  Andrew turned at the sound of his name and let his hand drop from Mary’s stomach. Even though he was just feeling the baby kick, the gmayna wasn’t likely to approve.

  Benji stood about halfway between the house and the barn with his hands cupped around his mouth. “We need you real bad.”

  Andrew cocked an eyebrow at Mary. “My bruderen won’t rest until they’ve driven me crazy.”

  She grinned. “It’s nice to be needed.”

  Andrew could have stood there all day, gazing at Mary and feeling the baby kick, but Benji wasn’t going to give up. Andrew inclined his head in Benji’s direction. “Should we get back?”

  “Jah.”

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  She grew more serious. He wished he hadn’t asked. “When I first found out I was going to have a baby, I was terrified. I didn’t think I could bear it. But now I think I’ll turn to dust if Josh gets custody.”

  “Do you really think he’ll try?”

  She pressed her lips together. “It will be what I deserve.”

  Andrew took her hand and pressed it to his heart. “It seems physically impossible, but you are very gute at kicking yourself in the teeth.”

  She cracked a smile. “And you are very gute at making me feel better.”

  “We could spend an hour arguing about Gotte’s love and Gotte’s punishment, but I think you already know what Gotte would say, and Benji needs me real bad. We’ll just have to leave it at that.”

  She smiled wider now, as if giving up on her teeth kicking. “Thank goodness for Benji. He’s saved me from a very long and boring lecture.”

  “You better believe it.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Bitsy propped her hands on her hips and made herself into a brick wall. “Alfie Petersheim, you will not come in this house smelling like that.”

  Alfie, Benji, and Andrew stood on Bitsy’s porch, peering expectantly into the kitchen while Bitsy barred their entrance. “I don’t smell like nothing bad,” Alfie protested, even though anyone within fifteen feet would have complained.

  Bitsy was immovable. “Your incorrect English is correct. You don’t smell like nothing bad. You smell like something very bad, like a rat with a rose in his mouth crawled up your neck and died on your head. That shirt could stand up and walk down the street by itself and probably do a little tap dance on its way.”

  Benji leaned around Bitsy and waved to Mary, who was standing behind Bitsy trying not to laugh. Mary waved back. Andrew stood a few feet back from his bruderen, probably because Alfie really did smell bad or because he wanted to pretend he wasn’t with two eight-year-old boys. He was smiling so wide at Mary, he could have caught a lot of bugs in his teeth if the wind had been blowing.

  “But, Bitsy,” Alfie said, putting all his energy into an impressively high whine, “Mary invited us over
to make peanut-butter-and-honey power balls, and how can she make them without the peanut butter?”

  Benji scratched an itch at his ear. “Mamm let us take two whole jars.”

  If anyone knew how to put her foot down, it was Bitsy. Alfie’s distress didn’t even make her flinch. “I won’t have you stinking up my kitchen. I’d have to burn a candle for days to get rid of the smell.” She bent over and propped her hands on her knees so she could get a better look at Alfie. “I know your mamm. She’s no slouch. Why hasn’t she pried that shirt off your body and washed it already?”

  “She only does laundry once a week, and Benji’s shirt was in the wash today. This is the only one I have, and I keep it under my pillow for emergencies. I put it on and sneaked out while she wasn’t looking.”

  “It should probably be burned,” Bitsy said. “Do you still have the scabs?”

  Alfie held out his arms even though nobody could see anything under his dirty sleeves. “Mamm would notice for sure.”

  Bitsy tapped her finger to her chin. “We’ll just have to wash it while you make power balls.” She held out one hand and pinched her nose with the other. “Take it off and give it to me.”

  Alfie’s eyes got wide. “I can’t make cookies half naked.”

  “You can’t make cookies smelling like a bacterial infection either.”

  Alfie wasn’t fit to make cookies at all. His shirt was a mess, that was for sure and certain, but he also had a garden plot of dirt under his fingernails and what looked like mud caked in his hair. Mud or manure. Maybe that was why he smelled so bad. Mary sidled next to Bitsy. “Alfie, have you ever been upstairs?”

  “Nae.”

  “If you go up the stairs and down the hall, you will find a bathroom. Fill the tub and take a nice warm bath while we wash your shirt. You can find a T-shirt to wear in the big room with three beds.” Alfie didn’t need to know that it was one of her T-shirts. At least he wouldn’t be “half naked.”

  Alfie’s eyes were slits on his face. “Will you give me my shirt back?”