Eternally North

by Tillie Cole

  Tudor’s face was strained in tension, his eyes squeezing closed and his skin was growing moist under my palms, his hands low on my hips, grasping me close.

  “Tudor, babes, calm down, everything’s okay. We will work it out as we go along… don’t worry yourself over nothing, it’ll be easy.” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to reassure him that it all would work out.

  He huffed out a dry laugh. “Easy! Being with me is not going to be easy, Tash. I’m always travelling; my fans, or ‘Tudor-Chicks’ as they call themselves can be crazy; the media always makes shit up. I’m possessive and at times get angry and I have so much going on in my life, it will be anything but easy. What if I lose you? What if you decide you can’t deal with all my baggage? You won’t put up with it, will you? You’ll eventually see I’m not worth the trouble. You’ll cut me loose.”

  I considered what he said. Could I do this? I at least wanted to try. To me, he was worth it, but it was clear there were some big things going on in his life that I couldn’t understand and were making him act this way. Why was he so insecure? He had it all: looks, fame and money. Why had he done a complete U-turn from a cool, sullen and strong guy to a trembling mess after a little phone call?

  I stood up putting an end to the charade. “I’m going in the shower, and then we’re going out.”

  “What?” he asked shocked, still perched on his knees in the middle of the bed, agonising over our unwritten future.

  “What? I’m not going to sit here and dwell on why we will not work out. Worry about what can go wrong, if we will make it. Instead, I’m going to get ready and we are going on that walk we had planned before you burst through the door, fucked the brains out of me and made me your ‘exclusive’ girlfriend. Now come on, man, pull yourself around and be ready in fifteen minutes, and don't let what Gage said affect you like this. We will be just fine. Have faith, babes.”

  I walked into my bathroom without a backward glance, hearing a relieved sigh coming from the direction of Tudor, his out-of-left-field meltdown dissipating into a low simmer.

  After I had shut and locked the door, I leaned against the hard wood and slumped to the floor, thinking about what Tudor had said. I already liked him too much, and I didn’t know him that well at all. I mulled over what that little episode was all about, what it meant. On the one hand it was heartwarming at how highly he thought of me, how much he obviously liked me. But on the other hand, what had caused him to be so needy, so possessive, so scared? What were those pesky demons he had mentioned before in the hot tub? There must be many more pages to that story. By the looks of things, it was War and Peace-length and not a sweet little novella.

  I must keep the faith.

  I was sure Tudor would confide all of his problems when he was ready. It was funny: the thought of not having Tudor caused me pain in my soul even at that early point. How could I feel that way about someone after only a short amount of time? But I did and I had to be patient with him. He obviously needed me – he had made that very obvious.

  Keep the faith.

  I came out of my bedroom slightly over fifteen minutes later to see Tudor hooked on whatever was on the TV. I was heading to the closet to grab my coat and gloves when I heard his name being mentioned by the glamorous female presenter on screen, who was surrounded by pictures of him at various premieres on a plethora of LCD screens around her. Heavens above! He looked amazing in his formal wear.

  I walked over to the sofa and sat down, trying to see what had him so enthralled. He was watching the entertainment news, the headline across the bottom reading, ‘Where is Tudor North?’

  His tense eyes were fixed on the screen, his knuckles white from gripping the arms of the sofa.

  I looked at him, confused, then focused back on the programme to hear what had got him so worked up.

  ‘The question of the month is, ‘Where on Earth is Tudor North?’ The notorious, muscled bad-boy of the big screen has fallen off the celebrity grid over recent months, and questions are being asked as to where he is and why he’s keeping himself so hidden?

  We know that Tudor hails from around the Vancouver/Victoria area in Canada, so has the superstar gone back to his roots? Tudor was a firm fixture on the party scene in LA a few years ago, but after a drink-fuelled twelve months, seemed to take a step back from the limelight to focus on his burgeoning movie career. Well folks, he hasn’t been spotted in about six months around Tinsel Town and we are anxious to know, why? Has he grown tired of the fame, or has he fallen in love and settled down? He has been linked to several starlets over the years, and we ran into his ex, and some say current, flame, Raquel Banks at the MTV Movie Awards, and this is what she had to say on the subject of Tudor North,

  “… Tudor is doing great, we speak all the time. He just needed to get out of the media for a while to rest before the next installment of the ‘Blade Reaper’ franchise. Tudor and I have history, and let’s just say that the flame is still brightly lit, it always will be. I can't tell you where he is, but when I visit him and his family in the next few days I'll tell him you were all asking about him, he'll appreciate the concern. I'll even give him a big kiss from all his fans out there who miss him too!”

  ‘So is he taking time away to rest, and is he still very much involved with the beautiful blonde Raquel? Tudor Chicks – listen up, we have a mission for you. It is your task to find him and let us know! The lucky fan will win a pair of tickets to the premiere of his next movie and a whole stash of goodies. So, go scout him out, dedicated Tudor Chicks. Are you ready? Set. Go….’

  I took a deep breath and slowly rose out of my seat without looking at Tudor. I needed fresh air. I made a dash for the patio, and with each step felt myself suffocating in self-doubt, roles reversed from only minutes earlier.

  Is he still with her? I didn't even know he was linked to anyone famous. Oh my God! She’s beautiful, what is he doing here with me? Does he still speak to her? Is she the reason for his secrets? Is she why he fought our attraction so much? I can’t breathe.

  I realised I was falling into an anxiety attack, my chest grew tight and I began to shake. I heard the patio door open, and Tudor moved in front of me and crouched on his knees. “Tash, breathe,” he soothed.

  I looked up and saw the anguish in his eyes. I managed to speak in a rushed tone. “Was all that true? Are you with that woman?”

  He began pacing. “No, I’m not! She was a fucking mistake I made once a couple of years ago and she has clung to it ever since! She’s never been my girl and never will be.”

  He took a calming breath and moved back to me, taking my hands in his. “Tash, look at me, please.”

  I did what he asked, staring him straight in his eyes looking for any dishonesty. I couldn’t tell.

  “I am not with her, have never been in a relationship with her. She was a one-night stand ages ago. She was the biggest leech of them all, selling the much exaggerated details of our night together to the highest bidder. Please, don’t let this stop us from happening. Talk to me, say you still want this, want us.”

  He was edging to panic mode again too… What a pair of crazies!

  “I-I… don’t know. Is she the reason you have all the secrets?” My voice sounded strained, even to me.

  He shook his head, moisture misting his eyes.

  I let out a bitter laugh as I compared the two of us. “Why the hell would you want me when you’ve had that? Do all of your exes look like her? What have I got myself into? You must have been repulsed sleeping with me last night, seeing me beneath you, on top of you!” I threw my head into my hands.

  He groaned loudly and pulled my hands away. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re beautiful and funny, smart and sexy as hell. You have me numbered and don’t take my shit. You are worth a million Raquel Banks’ and for the last time I. Am. Not. With. Her.”

  I surveyed him skeptically. It actually would have answered some questions if he was with the girl – the secrets he wouldn’t talk about, the weird be
haviour, why he pushed our attraction to the side-lines – it would make total sense.

  I guessed he could read the doubt on my face. “Believe me, okay, I need you to trust me. These channels fuel gossip and ninety-nine per cent of the time it’s untrue. This time it’s one-hundred per cent untrue. I want you, Tash, but this is the life I’m in. You have to decide if I’m worth it to you, because you certainly are to me! I know since we've met we have managed to avoid the celebrity shit, but it’s there and as much as I wish it wasn't, it is what it is and it’s not going anywhere. But I want you to try. I need you to be able to handle all the crap that comes with being with me… please.”

  He laid his head in my lap, his arms tight around my back. We stayed that way for several minutes.

  He had told me in advance that being with him wouldn’t be easy. He was right, but it had been easy to forget that he was a public figure. I had met him in Calgary while he wasn’t shooting a film, I’d never even seen him act and I’d let myself pretend he was normal for a while, but he wasn’t, was he?

  I was fully aware that our relationship was moving faster than a fat lass out of a slimming club, but then, like they always say, when you know, you know, right? There was nothing in the past several months of my new crazy life that I would deem as ‘normal’, so surely falling for a massively famous, troubled, tattooed ‘Bad Boy’ could just be part of this parallel universe I had found myself in. For the first time in my life I wanted to be impulsive, I wanted to embark on this roller-coaster ride with Tudor, and I wanted to continue to seize the day.

  Tash, just go the hell with it. After all, to live a life with no regrets was surely better than thinking on what could have been, should have been. Nobody ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, ‘I wish I had lived more cautiously’, ‘I’m so happy I never tried something new’ or ‘I’m glad I let the potential love of my life go because I was too scared to take a chance’.

  So here was the new Tash, the girl who would put her trust in her heart, not her head, and the one that deserved to be loved and gave her love freely to someone who would treasure it. Some people might think it rash and even stupid, but roles reversed, can you honestly say you wouldn’t do the same? Especially if it meant that you got to ride Tudor North’s very talented love-pole for the rest of your days? Multiple orgasms can be a very persuasive factor when deciding to give a guy a chance.

  A whisper of a smile reached my lips as I remembered the ‘real’ side to Tudor, the man and not the celebrity, and the way he cared for me when I was ill. Didn’t he deserve a chance? Didn’t we deserve a chance?

  Carpe Diem it is!

  I lifted Tudor’s head from my lap; his eyes were shut and his body tense, obviously bracing himself for my rejection. I put a hand on either side of his face and drew him to my level. He huffed out a breath and opened his eyes cautiously.

  “You can trust me, Tudor, and I will trust you, and in time we can trust each other enough to disclose everything. Now, how about we take that walk?”

  He looked at me warily for several seconds before his mouth lifted into a lop-sided smirk and he leaned in to kiss me. He touched his forehead to mine, relief pouring from his wide grin.

  “Tudor?”

  There was one last thing I needed to tell him, bearing my soul. “Please don’t hurt me,” I whispered.

  He pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “I won’t, I promise, I couldn't live with myself if I did.”

  He stood slowly, taking me with him, and led me back into the warmth of the apartment. He picked up my coat and gloves that had been discarded on the table and helped me into them. Walking to the closet, he reached for his jacket and car keys and held out his hand for me to take.

  We began walking towards the door, when he stopped. “Hang on for just a second,” he said, and darted to my bedroom.

  A few moments later, he came back holding his scarf that he had retrieved from under my pillow. I blushed as he wrapped it around my neck, praying he didn’t think I was a stalker, and he kissed me on the tip of my nose,

  “You made me yours and I made you mine, we will work if we try hard enough.”

  I nodded in agreement, and he took my hand and led me out the door.

  CHAPTER 22

  The wrath of a fairy

  We drove over an hour out of town to the beautiful Kananaskis National Park. Tudor didn’t want to go somewhere busy or local as he wanted to spend all his time with me and not deal with the public. He apparently had just the spot that he wanted to take me, Forget-Me-Not Ridge.

  On the journey he never let go of my hand and kissed me at every stop sign, every red light – basically every possible opportunity. He was demonstrating his unrivalled affection towards me after the cluster-fuck that was the lies sprouting from the mouth of that bitch, Raquel Banks.

  Arriving at Tudor’s chosen location, we climbed out of the car and strolled in silence for what seemed like hours, hand-in-hand, enjoying the peace and the togetherness after the emotional drama of the morning.

  He led me to the top of a hill overlooking the Forget-Me-Not pond, and I almost cried at the stunning view of the surrounding snowcapped Rocky Mountains. My appreciative gaze drifted over to Tudor; his eyes were closed, head back, breathing in deeply while clutching my hand to his chest. He was smiling. It was perfect. Tudor and me, and no-one getting in the way, not even skinny blonde actresses with a penchant for Tudor-based delusions.

  When Tudor finally let me take a break from walking, we took a seat on a bench at one of the isolated vantage points. Snuggling into the crook of Tudor’s arm, I drew together all my courage. I needed answers to some questions. I realised I had said yes to Tudor and a relationship very quickly, ignoring all of the times he had dismissed me and upset me. A twelve-hour, mind-blowing sex session can kind of do that to a girl. I probably let the feminist movement down somewhat with my acceptance of Tudor’s affections after being treated so badly. I knew he was sorry, his actions more than made up for that, but I needed to talk, to help me figure it all out in my head.

  I turned to my new boyfriend, who was already staring at me, rubbing his lips together in worry. I was startled to see him already waiting for me to speak. It was like the boy could read my mind.

  “You have an expressive face, remember.” he announced sadly.

  Goddamnit Tash, you couldn’t lie if your life depended on it. Well, here we go, time to forge ahead.

  “I need to know why you fought us for so long. Why did you try to push me away? Why didn’t you want to be with me?” I said in a rush before I chickened out from asking what I needed to know.

  He sighed and glanced away. “I didn't think I was right for you, Tash. I still don't, you are too good for me. I thought if I pushed you away, then you could never want me like I wanted you and the attraction would be mine to deal with, and mine alone. But when I upset you at the pond, it nearly killed me. I freaked. Believe me when I say that you were never the problem, it was my issues that made me act like a fool. I can't even think back to what I said to you, how I made you feel. I knew I’d cave in the end, I wanted you too damn much. You can only fight so long before your heart ultimately defeats your best intentions.”

  “What issues made you act a fool, Tude?” I pushed.

  He hesitated. “I-I… I can’t say. It’s not another woman, or that I'm embarrassed of you, I don’t want you to ever think that. It’s complicated, and I can’t talk about it, but believe me when I say that I’ll protect you from it. Damn it, I want to tell you but I just... can't,” he slumped forward in defeat.

  I rolled my head back in exasperation. What was his friggin’ problem? Why did he have to hide so much?

  He read my expression and gripped my hand. “Tash, this won’t be forever. Hopefully it will be resolved soon, and I promise you’ll know everything. I just can’t tell you now, I can't risk it getting out into the public, and before you say it, I know you wouldn't tell anyone, but there's legal shit to deal with and... I just
can't risk it. I just don’t want you to give up on me.” He leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

  “Is this secret the reason you’re in Calgary?”

  He nodded in his hands.

  “Is it why you live so close to your family? Why you fought our attraction?”

  He nodded once more.

  I breathed in the fresh mountain air. Okay, I get it. I was not exactly thrilled, but I had to trust him. He was somehow protecting his family. That was something I understood – family first.

  “Okay, Tudor. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if and when you need to talk. It’s early doors for us; we will just take every day as it comes.”

  He sat back, staring at the reflected trees on the calm surface of the pond, and whispered, “Thank you.”

  I could see it meant a lot for someone to say that they would accept him, would trust him; the tension immediately left his tight shoulders. He glanced at me, kissed my hand and smiled.

  I patted his knee preemptively. The inquisition wasn’t over that easily. I had one other question. "You’ve mentioned before that you lived in LA and you were a bit wild, and the TV report said you had a ‘drink-fuelled year’ – what the hell happened?”

  He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in close. "What happened? Fame, money, fans, you name it. The whole nine yards. I remember moving there and thinking that I would never be one of those actors, the ones you see falling out of bars, off their face on drugs or drink.

  “I was in LA when I received some bad news from back home, the same news I can't tell you about, the same issue that won’t fucking die. I went out that night and just drank. I woke up the next day in a strange bed with a girl I didn't know, and that became the pattern. I drank, I fucked, I forgot. It changed when I got a phone call from my mother telling me she’d seen me on TV, completely blitzed, and that she was worried about me and couldn't deal with anything else to cause her stress. I decided that night to leave LA and move back to Vancouver with my family, and as soon as the decision was made, the darkness I had been fighting lifted some, and I've never looked back.