by Sue Lilley
“I can’t help wishing I was already down there. But I should be able to make it to Exeter services tonight. I can have a shave, find some clean clothes. I couldn’t turn up in the middle of the night anyway. The cottage is pretty remote. I’d scare Evie half to death.”
Lisa had rolled up the drawing and stashed it away. Her hand was on the door handle and he had to stop himself nudging her to get on with it.
“Good luck,” he said. “Be happy.”
“You too.”
He was surprised he had such a lump in his throat as he watched her walk away. He’d obviously changed more than he realised. He could only hope Evie would give him another chance to prove it.
He couldn’t wait to tell her how sorry he was for taking her so much for granted. He knew he’d squandered so many chances for them to be happy as a family. He’d chased women he hadn’t really wanted, just for an ego-trip or a quick fix of flattery. But maybe he wouldn’t share any of that. If she already thought he was a wanker, why make it worse?
But stuck there in the car, the past seemed to be doing its best to haunt him. Maybe it was the drawing, or that documentary last night reminding him of Kat. Maybe his life would’ve taken a different turn if he hadn’t been so obsessed with her.
Chapter 16
After Kat’s New Years Eve party, Joe had woken up with a lurching stomach and a head like dense pounding fog. Christ knows what they’d been taking. He had a dead leg where Kat was sprawled on top of him. He rolled her off, contemplating a shag, but even the effort of rubbing some life back into his thigh made him want to throw up. Jesus! How much had he put away?
“You awake?” he mumbled. “What time is it?”
Kat whimpered and turned onto her back, throwing her arm across her eyes to block out the chink of wintry light poking through the curtains.
“Who cares what time it is? Go back to sleep.”
“Got to go to this family lunch at my sister’s place,” he groaned. “Heather made me promise. Said she’d pick me up.”
“Let her wait.”
She stretched, arching her back to show off her tits, a knee bent in blatant invitation. He recalled how she’d been the night before, barely waiting for them to get to the bedroom. She never cared who saw them. She never failed to turn him on, hangover or not. She opened her legs and he took her quickly, carelessly. But as soon as it was over, he felt sick again and desperate for something to drink.
He grabbed the dregs of the wine they’d been licking off each other the night before. No wonder the sheets smelled so vile. But it was better than nothing so he took a reluctant swig.
Awake now, Kat swung her long legs over the side of the bed and shook the tangles out of her hair. “That’s disgusting. I want coffee. The blacker the better.”
“Make mine tea, would you?”
“What did your last slave die of?”
But she shrugged and got up. His eyes followed her naked body, sleek and curvy in the half light. Her face wasn’t so great in close-up these days. But it didn’t matter much. They lived their lives in the dark. She never bothered with a robe. She wouldn’t care if there were people still crashing after the party. He wouldn’t put it past her to answer the door like that.
“Heather’s coming soon,” he warned.
“If your mate’s with her, you’ll get a hard-on watching him pretending not to look at me.”
“She’s my sister. It’s different.”
“My house, babe. My rules.”
“Kat, just put a fucking shirt on, will you?”
He threw his at her, knowing she wouldn’t fasten it. He used to like that about her. He wondered when it had started to bother him.
The stale smell in the room was bothering his guts. He needed food. And a slash. He pulled on his jeans, was just doing them up when Heather bounded in.
“Happy New Year, little brother.”
“Christ! Don’t you ever knock?”
“She said you were up. Bare tits at the door? It’s minus two out there. What planet is she on?”
“Sorry,” he mumbled, embarrassed and hating it.
Heather pulled off her hat and her gloves and turned up her nose as she kissed him on the cheek. “You smell like a brewery.”
“None of your business.”
“I’m just keeping an eye. Making sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. I said I’d come with you, didn’t I?”
“You don’t have to make seeing your family sound like such a chore.”
She slipped on a sheaf of papers, picked some of them up. Her face blanched as she dropped them like hot coals.
“Bloody hell, Joe!”
He glanced at the drawings. Viewed cold like that, he supposed they did look like porn. No point trying to explain it was just their thing. Some people liked photos, videos. He and Kat liked to draw each other. It was a turn-on. Nobody’s business.
“Kat thinks I should get a portfolio together. Think about transferring courses.”
“You wouldn’t give up your career just on her say-so?”
“What career?”
“Maybe that’s the point. You’re half way through your second year. You need to get your finger out, stop wasting time doing stuff like this.”
“My time’s my own. Why can’t you just butt out?”
“Somebody has to look out for you but we don’t have time to argue about it now. Go and clean yourself up. You look like you’ve been sleeping on the streets. No point setting them all off with their questions.”
It seemed easier just to do what she said. His head wasn’t up to anything more.
The dinner was noisy and tedious. And odd because family gatherings had always been at their mother’s house. If his sisters felt uneasy without her, they masked it by asking even more nosy questions than usual.
Their husbands had taught him to drive when he’d never had cash for lessons. They were always ribbing him, making out they all envied his free and single ways. He never used to mind that. Never used to mind them, even if they were a bit interchangeable in their chinos and pastel coloured shirts.
But today they seemed to be even more of a gang than usual and there were far too many squabbling children. Why did people keep on having them? It wasn’t for him, that was for sure. But Heather, picking her moment to corner him in the kitchen, was having none of it.
“So, how did Kat take the news about Evie?”
“Evie who?”
“You didn’t tell Kat did you? What the hell were you playing at, taking a kid like Evie to bed?”
“Nobody forced her.”
“So that makes it alright?”
“What do you want me to say? She was just some girl I met.”
“And you didn’t use anything? What’s wrong with you?”
“Why is it my fault? What about her? Girls are always on the pill these days.”
“Did you ask her?”
“Yes,” he lied because he couldn’t remember and as far as he was concerned, all that stuff was down to the girl. “How do I even know the kid’s mine?”
“So you’re just washing your hands? Anyone with half a brain can see Evie isn’t like that.”
He wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. Didn’t want to think that Heather could be right. Didn’t want to remember how eager he’d been to have his first virgin and get one over on Steve.
“It’s a wonder you haven’t been caught out before. You could have caught all sorts, in fact, the way you put yourself about. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking, okay? So now will you leave me alone?”
“So you can sneak back to your one true love?”
“You know nothing about Kat and me.”
“Oh, really? I just wonder how many students warmed her bed before you? How many there’ll be after you, when she gets bored?”
“Heather, just fuck off out of it!”
“Why, because it’s none of my business? My niece or nephew isn’t my busin
ess? I care about that, even if you don’t.”
“I don’t.”
“You know what?” Heather glared, so angry there were tears in her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever disliked you more than I do at this moment. You’ve always been spoilt and selfish. Maybe the family are to blame for indulging you. But I’ll tell you this. Evie’s baby will be better off without you. I wouldn’t trust you to be a proper father if you were the last man on earth.”
Heather stormed out of the kitchen. Smarting at her words, Joe drank a glass of water, threw the glass in the bowl and didn’t stick around to see if it broke. He had to get out of there.
It was miles to walk back to Kat’s. And freezing. But it cleared his head a bit. He was used to Heather being in his corner and he hated her disapproval. But surely she couldn’t expect him to be saddled with a kid before he was twenty? And why was she so against him doing something with his art? Kat thought he had potential and Heather knew fuck all about it.
If he’d expected Kat to make him feel better, he was disappointed. He tried not to mind the sight of her sprawled on the sofa almost naked in front of guys he barely knew. He was the one who was living with her, wasn’t he?
Trouble was, things didn’t improve. Got worse, if anything, as January trudged into an Arctic February and March. Freezing snow banked up on the doorstep didn’t inspire him to even try and get to uni. It bored him rigid anyway and he preferred to stay in and paint.
But Kat seemed to have forgotten her earlier encouragement. She said she was painting all day and wanted a rest from it. All she wanted to do at home was break out a spliff, drink wine and have sex. Joe was less eager to oblige but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He was living in her flat. He’d lost touch with all of his mates and he had nowhere else to go.
Then one sunny Saturday he woke up to Kat clattering about with drawers and doors. He shuffled up in the bed, feeling uneasy that she was fully dressed in jeans and a floaty purple top.
“What are you doing up so early? Where are you going?”
“Plane to catch, babe. I need to finish packing.”
“What plane?” He noticed the suitcase on the floor. It was almost full. “What’s going on?”
“Harry invited me to Amsterdam for the summer. He’s rented this great house right on the canal.”
“Your ex-husband, Harry? You can’t just take off with him.”
“Why not? And technically, he isn’t my ex. We never actually got divorced.”
Joe swung his legs over the bed, tried to get a grip through the fuzz of his hangover. “What are you talking about? What about your job? What about me?”
“The job was only a fixed term contract. You knew that. Now it’s finished, there’s no reason to stick around in this dump. But the rent’s paid for another week. You can stay or go, whichever.”
He pulled on his jeans and stood there helplessly while she zipped up her case. “Is that it? Stay or go? You don’t give a stuff which?”
“Babe, it’s been a blast. But time to move on now, yeah? Too bad I’m in such a rush. The sex was always hot with you. You were a quick learner.”
And that was it. No kiss. No promises. Nothing. When Heather rang, he was still sitting on the bed, feeling dazed and abandoned, no idea what to do next.
“Kat left me,” he muttered into the phone.
“Good riddance!”
“Jesus! Thanks for the sympathy.”
“Have you seen the state of yourself lately? When was the last time you had a shave or ate a proper meal? She was toxic, Joe. Bad news.”
Joe was appalled to find his eyes were clouding with tears. The last thing he needed was Heather to have a go.
“What do you want, anyway?”
“Evie had the baby. You remember Evie, don’t you?”
He didn’t know what he was meant to say. His heart was hammering so hard in his throat he could scarcely breathe. It was too much on top of everything else.
“It’s a girl and they’re both fine, not that you can be bothered to ask. I hope you’re pleased with yourself?”
She hung up. Joe couldn’t think, couldn’t sit there in that empty flat. He grabbed a T-shirt and headed for the town. He needed noise and crowds. He could never think when it was quiet.
He was hurting. Kat had hurt him. Hot sex, she’d said. After six months, was that all he was worth? Had Heather been right all along and he’d been nothing but a convenient student warming Kat’s bed until the next one took her fancy?
He hadn’t even done his art school application. Had never put together the portfolio Kat had said she’d help him with. He found he couldn’t recall what exactly she’d said about that. Had she ever been interested in anything but sex? He’d heard the stories, but thought he was different. And he hadn’t exactly made it difficult for her, had he? Stupid twat, or what?
He sat on a wall watching the tourists milling around in the sunshine. How come everyone looked so happy? He needed a drink but he’d walked out without a penny. Probably didn’t even have a penny, if he thought about it. Kat had bought everything. Bought him.
Where were all his mates? Dropped for Kat. He’d thought they were jealous but probably they’d all been laughing at him. Maybe Heather was right and he’d trashed his life. What was he going to do? He dashed his hand across his eyes, trying to pull himself together. He felt so lonely. And scared.
And now he was meant to get his head round being a father. How did that work when he felt as worthless as a piece of shit?
He spotted a group of girls further along the wall. They were eating ice cream, laughing, taking photos. One of them had tumbling chestnut hair which made him look twice, heart hammering.
It could have been Evie last summer. Evie who’d adored and trusted him. And what had he done? Dumped her, just like Kat had dumped him. Only Evie now had a baby. His baby girl and he didn’t even know her name.
His head was spinning. He couldn’t take it all in. He felt sick, dizzy. Needed to lie down somewhere. But he had nowhere to go. Nowhere to live. And how was he going to live with no money?
He stepped into the road. A squeal of brakes. A thud and searing pain. Then nothing but thick black darkness.
Chapter 17
Nobody had warned Evie that she would feel such a proud, overwhelming and fiercely protective love for her baby as soon as she held her. Because she knew how it felt to be abandoned, her stomach had always churned at the thought of adoption, but it wasn’t until that moment that she was truly certain about keeping her.
Throughout Evie’s pregnancy, her mother had tried to make amends. She often had Evie to stay in Harrogate, fussing over her and buying more tiny clothes than any one baby could possibly wear. But Evie felt more resentful every time. And no less scared.
She’d tried to concentrate on her studies, grateful for her dad’s help when she got too uncomfortable to go to school. But she daydreamed about Joe turning up to sweep her off her feet. Deep down, she knew it was a fairy tale. But the thought of being alone with a baby was terrifying.
Heather rushed up to visit her new niece before Evie was ready to face her. They’d kept in touch sporadically but hadn’t seen each other since that bleak day in York. Evie felt fat and frumpy and out of sorts, not helped by Heather looking so vibrant in stone capris and a white sleeveless blouse. And so painfully like Joe that it hurt.
“You look very fashion-forward, as my mother would say.”
Evie hadn’t meant it to sound like such a dig. She faked a cough, afraid she might cry. But Heather smiled anyway, dropping her flowers and gifts on the grass as she knelt down to give Evie a hug.
“You said in your letters your mother has a boutique?”
“Any big occasion, Maxine’s your woman. She can source an entire holiday wardrobe, delivered in tissue ready for the suitcase. Or just that one perfect little black dress. Nothing’s too much trouble for Maxine.”
“You don’t sound very impressed?”
“It’s just not my sort of thing. I helped her in the shop a couple of times. But I don’t know one end of an accessory from the other and I wasn’t very good at being tactful.”
“Not everyone’s cup of tea, I expect.”
“I can’t think of any job that’s my cup of tea at the moment. Especially as I can’t bear to leave Claire alone in her cot, never mind with a childminder.”
“She is gorgeous,” Heather agreed, stroking the baby’s cheek. “She’s like my other nephews and nieces. Same big eyes and loads of dark hair.”
Heather meant that Claire looked like Joe. But neither of them said it.
Evie poured two glasses of juice from the tray beside her on the grass. She gulped at hers, wishing she didn’t feel such a grumpy urge to cry. She couldn’t relax, wondering all the time who would be the one to mention Joe first.
“Do you need to get a job right this minute? If you’re living here with your dad, don’t you have a bit of time to think about it?”
“That’s what he says. He’s been great, really. He dotes on Claire. Keeps telling me to enjoy the summer with her, concentrate on my A levels. Do a bit round the house. With an allowance.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“How is it perfect? I’m seventeen. I’m meant to be having a life, not passing the time with a hoover. I love Claire so much and I don’t want to leave her. But how can I settle for being a housekeeper?”
“It wouldn’t be settling, would it? Not if it was only for a while.”
“You don’t understand!”
Heather was staring at her, biting her lip. Evie felt more guilty and miserable than ever.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, her voice thick with tears. “Why am I snapping at you when you’ve come all this way?”
“Don’t worry about me,” Heather insisted. “You’ve got a lot on. You should give yourself time to adjust.”
“But I’m scared that if I leave it too long I’ll turn into my mother. Trapped for twenty years before she could escape. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I’m already wondering how she stood it when she must’ve felt so stifled.”