by K. L. Jessop
On my heart.
But his shattered state only draws me closer.
Needing to console him, I do the one thing I’ve been trying not to do: I reach for him.
I circle my arms around his waist as he buries his face in the dip of my neck, but his proximity is too much. My thoughts are all over the place, and as he caresses my skin, I fight twice as hard not to fall apart. I need to be strong for the both of us right now but more importantly for myself.
"Forgive me, Blue," he whispers against me, his fingertips delicately dancing over my skin. "I wasn't myself. The real me would never hurt you. You know I'd never hurt you."
I know he wouldn't, and that's what's so confusing because I know he can't help it. I know he can’t help the bad in him and I’ve always known that. I’m just so conflicted.
"Please. Tell me you know."
I want to tell him that I feel as though I don’t know anything. I want to tell him that I just want answers but what good will that do right now when he is falling apart beneath me. So for the time being, I just hold him. I hold him because he needs this more than what I need right now.
“It’s going to be okay. I promise,” I whisper. Only I don’t know who I’m trying to convince.
As the minutes pass us by, we just hold each other close, breathing each other in as time stands still around us. Dexter starts to calm and the tension between us has somehow begun to dissipate.
I decide that now is a good time to tell him how I truly feel—how I can’t carry on being left in the dark. I need those answers, I need his reasons, because if I don’t have them then there is no hope for either of us moving forwards. I need something more from him so I can learn to survive, but once again my words disappear and heat race along my spine when his lips press against my neck.
“Dexter…” My verbal warning is so weak it’s pathetic. Every ounce of air leaves my lungs and my body burns with his touch. With each kiss he places against my skin comes a whispered apology, over and over as if he’ll say it forever to make me believe him. Each kiss removes another layer of my anxiety, taking it away and making me feel like he’s always had the ability to do.
This is wrong.
It shouldn't be like this but I can't ignore this feeling that outweighs everything else. The truth is, I’ve missed him so much it hurts and need him more than I should. I've missed the man I know he truly is on the inside—the man I know he wants to be and can’t be without me. I’ve missed the man who makes me feel alive and without whom, I can’t breathe.
But this still hurts.
"Please don't,” I whisper, unsure on who my words are for him or me. Either way, I let him caress me like I’m a delicate flower, covering every part of my neck and kissing the sensitive skin behind my ear before he makes his way towards my mouth.
With each passing second, my guard crumbles faster than I can hold it together and instead of pushing him away, I pull him closer. When he slips his tongue into my mouth, he takes all my power and I welcome the passion he’s so desperate to infuse. The tip of his tongue plays with mine before he deepens the kiss with a promise like never before. It’s a kiss filled with sincerity, melancholy and grief. It’s gentle, loving, and he holds me in a way that makes me feel cherished. My hands grip onto him tighter, my legs weaken and I let myself fall into him, hoping that this is the right path to take for my confused heart and soul.
Right now, despite everything, we need each other to make this right for both of us. This is us. This is how we work.
With each, tender handprint over my body he brings me alive, waking my need for him that I’m desperate to fight—a fight I know I won’t win. Control or not, the man trying to seduce me is going to win regardless.
"Please, Blue?" he whispers against my lips, pressing his arousal into me. He wants me to help him reduce the chaos that’s circling his troubled mind. His request is full of desperation, knowing that this will be each other’s liberation. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”
But I am. Not of him but of myself. I’m scared of the fact I’ve no way of saving the person I always thought I was, and I’m scared of the person I am when I’m with him. With or without Dexter, I’m nothing but lost.
I have nothing left, all my power is gone along with my words and the desire to be with him is far greater than my willpower.
I’ve missed him.
I need him.
I want him.
I love him.
“Please, Pepper. Will you have me?”
I nod because I feel that using my voice will betray me more, and when he lifts me around him and places me on the edge of my desk, my hands take on a mind of their own, reaching for the buttons of his trousers. When he pushes my lace underwear aside and enters me, I slam my eyes shut, trying to prevent the onslaught that has overcome with his touch—The assault that I can no longer hide from.
He takes me with slow, passionate thrusts, holding me so tight, whispering against my skin how sorry he is and that he’ll never hurt me again. He makes me feel beautiful.
I struggle to breathe because of the impact he has on me. My chest burns with the deep emotion he’s creating. My soul dances because of the way he’s making me feel, yet my mind is yelling at me for being so goddamn weak and thinking that this was a good idea.
With each war I try to fight, he kisses my falling tears away. With each sensation he inflicts, I want him more.
What has happened to me?
Not so long ago, I was terrified of coming back, but here I am in the midst of passion, falling further into him and loving him more than ever because I know he needs to be loved more than I do.
I've betrayed my own self-control, my own being and I know one way or another, no matter how hard I try to run from this, I know I’ll never have any form of clarity without Dexter by my side.
When we climax in unison, the affection it brings is something I can't even understand, and the heavy weight in my chest begins to choke me. My throat burns with raw tears that have been laid dormant even when I’ve cried a thousand of them already over the passing weeks. Tears I know need to erupt but ones I’ll have no control over.
I’m confused, I’m hurt but right now I’m so fucking angry with not only him but more so myself for letting him take me like he just has, even though I was willing.
“Talk to me, Blue,” he whispers. The concern in his tone tells me he can sense my withdrawal and that only irritates me more.
Pushing him away, I stand, straightening my clothes as my body begins to tremble hard with the brutality. I’m defeated and weak. I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore, all because of him, and I'm not sure I can survive it much longer.
"I shouldn’t have let that happen,” I weep.
“Don’t say that,” he whispers in heartbreak. “You wanted that. You needed that.”
I hate the fact he knows me better than I know myself right now, so I spit out my words, hoping it will make me feel better.
Locking onto his eyes, my rage spills out of my mouth. “No, Dexter. What I need is the whole mess I’ve found myself in to be sorted, but I don’t even know where to begin! What I need is to rewind time and not accept the job that brought me to your door! What I need is Goddamn answers because I’m too tired of trying to figure it out myself! What I need is to feel anything than what I feel right now because I can’t breathe!”
He doesn’t say anything and that only causes me to react more, but this time it’s from pure frustration. Everything about this fucked up situation, all the secrets and the lies, all the what if’s and things that have never been said. Everything. It’s all so damn fucking infuriating and I hate it. I hate what I've become. I hate that I’ve just given myself to him like these past weeks apart have meant nothing.
When he steps towards me, fury from the bottom of my stomach ripples it’s way to the surface and I lash out in the only way I can, taking all the hatred I have for myself and turning it onto him. I push him as if he’s to
xic and use every last bit of energy I have in my body to roar out my words, hoping he will understand just how frail I am right now.
“I hate you!” I beat his chest hard with my balled fists. "I hate you for making me weak! I hate you for making me come here!"
He takes every hit, and I can see my fight is killing him—feel myself beginning to falter because I loathe the fact I’m breaking him.
"I hate your damn secrets!”
Another hit, tears now forming in his eyes.
“I hate you for hurting me! But most of all, Dexter Wilson…" My body can’t take anymore and my words come out in an exhausted cry. "I hate you for making me love you!"
I’ve nothing left. He’s taken everything, and I fall into him when my knees give out.
Catching me, he holds me with security I’ve never felt from him before, and as I sob against him, it’s clear he’s feeling this, too—all the pain that's leaving my body, he’s feeling it, too.
I need him to know that I’m out of my depth here. I need him to know I’m too weak to carry on fighting.
"I'm on my knees here, Blue. I'll do anything."
"Then let me in your heart," I cry.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Dexter
I'd taken every hit she rightly threw at me. I’d inhaled all her words and felt the sharpness of them slice every part of my insides like I deserve. I’d come undone, witnessing the sheer pain I’ve etched in her beautiful heart. The agony in her tiny frame and the suffering in her eyes had been hard to see, and the longer she’d stood there so vulnerable, the more I’d made a promise to myself that I needed to tell her everything.
Neither of us can carry on fighting this war that I have brought upon us.
I’d never expected her to come back, but when she’d walked through the door, I’d seen fear in her eyes before anything else. Her frame had trembled the moment I’d got close and I’d not been able to—and still can’t—work out if it had been because she’d wanted to run. No amount of history or a damaged childhood can be held responsible for what I did to Pepper. They may have been in my nightmares and have ripped my thoughts to shreds, but it had been my hands and my actions that hurt her that night. It was me that had screamed in her face. It was me that had made her cry, that made her scared.
Me.
All of this fucking mess that has the woman I love trembling against my chest is down to me. Everything she’s said is right. I’ve caused her all of this pain and she has every right to hate me because I’ve never fucking loathed myself more.
But then she said those three words that change everything and I’m now prepared to fight for her like my life depends on it. She can’t walk away from this—what we have—even if she tries but there’s no way in hell, I’m going to chance it either. I’ve been lost without her, and even though she’s distraught in my arms, I’ll do anything to make it right. Anything. Everything.
She’s been cradled against me long enough for our tears to have subsided and silence to have fallen between us. Pepper’s fist is balled, clutching the material of my shirt as I stroke her silky hair. Our breathing now shallow, our hearts still bruised.
I’m exhausted.
I will tell her everything but my only fear is that I won’t have enough strength in me to divulge all the truths of my past. I can’t go back there and not crack. They’re details that only my best friend knows of, and telling the woman I love I’m broken because I failed to protect Tessa will rip me apart all over again. I’m supposed to be a fucking man but right now I feel like that fourteen-year-old boy who was left fighting against a dark world that suddenly become too big for him to walk in.
Kissing the top of her hair, I swallow my trepidation and whisper. “Pepper, I will tell you everything. But I need you to be brave.”
Her breath halts before I hear her own whisper that’s barely noticeable. “Why?”
“Because I’m not. I need you to be brave for both of us.”
Tilting her head up, her red, puffy eyes find mine. “I don’t know if I can be.”
“You can. I know you can because you’ve carried us both all this time, you just never realised it,” I run my thumb over her sweet lips. “I need you to give me the strength. I'm not strong, Pepper. I never have been. I'm scared, all the time, and I still live in a past that I can't escape from and I'm too frightened to leave."
She studies me for a moment, searching for something but I’m unsure what. “You will tell me it all?” Her voice sounds so fragile and that alone makes me want to hold her close and love her right.
“Yes. I promise.”
Her eyes leave mine and I can sense her anxiety. “Okay. I’ll be strong.”
With a heavy breath, I reach into the pocket of my jeans and find the one thing that has put a barrier between me and the rest of the world—a barrier that I should have destroyed a long time ago when I realised my true feelings for the woman in my arms.
Taking her hand, I place the key in her palm.
“What’s this?”
I swallow the bitterness in my throat, a part of me hating the fact that I’m about to expose everything I’ve fought to hide all this time. “It’s the key to my memories that are also my nightmares. The reason I am darkness. The life that took the angel and replaced it with the devil inside. Everything you need to know is behind that door. No more secrets. No more lies.”
“The door you keep locked,” she whispers.
“Whenever you’re ready, we will go up.”
She finds my eyes once again, and I’m grateful because without them I’ve got nothing to keep me together. They’ve quickly become the home I’ve always been searching for, and these past weeks without her, I’ve never felt so alone.
Her blues hold mine with an apprehension that has my skin chilling because she knows how hard this is for me before anything has truly been disclosed. “But you are not ready?”
“I’ll never be ready, but I will be for you.”
Reaching up, her hand cups the nape of my neck as our foreheads press against each other, our eyes close and my lip quivers with the understanding and love I can feel coming from her. “I need you to guide me, Blue,” I whisper. “I can’t do this alone anymore.”
“I’m here.”
Bringing herself to stand, Pepper holds out her hand for me to take. Rising to my feet, the weight I’ve carried all this time presses down on me even harder. Each step we take up the stairs, I force my body to keep moving forwards when I want nothing more than to head in the opposite direction. If ever there was a time I needed JD it’s now because the thick lump in the back of my throat burns so strongly I can hardly swallow. I’ve known this wouldn’t be easy, but I’d never anticipated how gruelling it would be either.
Once we are in my apartment, I sense Pepper’s hesitation at the door. Sliding the key in the lock, she turns to face me. Uncertainty is in her gaze.
“Don’t be scared. Nothing is going to hurt you.”
“But it’s hurting you.”
“Open the door, Pepper.”
When she turns the key and enters, the deep gasp that leaves her is enough to have my tears race to the surface. Everywhere Pepper turns, the haunting blue eyes of Tessa stare back at her. Portraits line the walls, rest on the easels or are propped up against the walls. Years of memories. Watercolours of a time that once was. Fresh images that depict how I think she might look now. She’s everywhere. My demons scream at me to be quiet, but I can’t hide anymore. My sister is no longer my secret, and the pain that comes with all of this has my chest tight to the point I find it hard to breathe.
“Dexter?”
My reply comes out on a heartbreaking tremble that batter me with every word that’s spoken.
“I have a sister… And she was taken.”
She turns her head towards me, eyes wide with shock and unshed tears. “Taken?”
“Snatched.”
“When?”
“Twelve years ago.”
&nbs
p; As the memories of that night flash in my thoughts like a violent flipbook, I take another step further into the room, sitting down on the floor, resting against the wall for support. Pepper continues to circle her way around the watercolour paintings, studying each one with great detail, before coming back to me and sitting beside me.
Taking my hand, she looks at me and whispers. “I’m here.”
I don’t know what to say or where to start in fear of not being able to say anything at all, so I open my mouth and spill out as much as I can in one hit. I pour my heart out, telling Pepper every last painful detail of my childhood and she listens, keeping me close and letting me take my time in revealing all to her.
Anger flares in my chest from the vision I have of my mother, how she let that poison change her—change us. I don't know what happened after Tessa was born for Mum to have become more and more dependant on drugs. She’d just seemed to deteriorate as the years had gone on and once she’d seen we could fend for ourselves, it had been like all her prayers were answered. “She has this cute little birthmark just above the crease of her armpit in the shape of a heart and I used to kiss it every night, telling her it was storing extra love for when she needed it. She’d giggle and tell me I was crazy but I used to say anything just to make her smile. I’d needed her to smile because it made me feel I was doing something right in a world so tainted.”
Pepper’s hand grips mine tighter as her own tear slips down her cheek, and I’m grateful she’s giving me the strength I asked her for.
“Who found you?” she whispers. “How did you get out?”
“No one found us. That well-known fact that kids fall through the social care system each year? That was us. Everyone thought everyone else was looking out for us I guess. We’d stopped going to school because she was too high to take us. We’d stopped doing everything. I’d been tired of fighting a war—tired of hearing Tessa cry. I’d felt so hopeless when promising to protect her. And as she got older, I saw the way those men looked at her. One night, as I was holding her close, I knew I had to do something before it was too late. No one was there to shield us so I had to save her any way I could. So I took it upon myself to pack up what little we had and we left.”