by K. L. Jessop
The tightness in my chest is unbearable. The flashbacks are too vivid and my blood races hot and cold. The bile in my throat thickens as my tears fall. I should have stayed.
“I should never have left because instead of protecting Tess against the world, I destroyed her the moment I closed the door to our shithole of a home.”
Pepper’s hand cups my jaw as she wipes away my grief, as I try and find the energy to continue.
“Take your time, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I was fourteen, Tess was ten and I honestly believed leaving would be safer. We lived on the streets for a week or so maybe. Then one night… she was ripped away from me as if she meant nothing."
"Oh my God," she breathes.
My heart squeezes tight like a locked vice as my body erupts heavily with raw guilt. My frame trembles and I welcome the onslaught, knowing I deserve everything because of what I failed to do for the one person I loved more than anything. I failed her, I failed myself but more importantly, I lost the one thing that kept my heart beating.
“I didn’t protect her, Blue,” I weep. “I couldn’t save my baby sister. I couldn’t do anything.”
Like she knows I need the contact, Pepper straddles me and holds me close, providing that much-needed protection I need so badly. As I let my tears fall, I bury my face in her neck and pull her against me even tighter, hoping each tear that leaves my body will give me some kind of redemption now that I’ve exposed the main reason why I am so dark.
“You must have been so scared.” Pepper murmurs. After the wreckage I’ve divulged, Pepper holds me, giving me every ounce of security I need. Not once has she faltered as the brutality of my past has been ripped from my soul. As my breathing recovers and my thoughts slowly regain some normality, I choose to leave Tessa’s room in order to carry on revealing my truths.
Laying on the mattress, I look up at the ceiling with Pepper beside me, her head resting on her hand, watching me as her free hand covers my heart. There’s a tranquil silence and a part of me already feels like a massive weight has been lifted, but I’ve promised her I will tell her all, and that’s what I plan on doing.
“No one can ever begin to imagine what it’s like living on the streets. You hear that people say they know it must be tough—how it must be a struggle—but they know fuck all. They’re the ones who close the doors to their houses of luxury at night and don’t give another thought about those out in the cold. They have a warm bed, food on the table and a bathroom facility with a fucking shower you can fit eight people in. No one has any idea until they have walked the streets and eaten from the waste they find at the back of restaurants.”
“That’s why you didn’t like me? Because you thought I’d be one of them,” she says softly, her eyes dropping to the bedsheets.
I feel like shit and I’ve been such an arsehole because of the way I’ve treated her at times.
Lifting her chin, I make her look at me. “But you’ve proved to me that I was wrong. There I was hiding my past from you and treating you like crap because I didn’t want to be judged when all the time I was doing it myself with you. You’ve changed me. You know you have.”
She smiles flatly and I can’t work out if I’ve convinced her or not so I continue. “It’s no palace pavement living out there and even worse for a young boy. If you’re not kicked or spat at, you have your only possession stolen. And that’s just the minor things, Pep. The worst is you become prey to older men who like their hands to wander. It gets a lot darker very quickly.” The heavy weight on my chest is back, crushing my heart. “But for me, the hardest part was waking each day and not having Tessa beside me. As time went on, I’d look up at the sky each night and pray that the next morning I’d never wake at all. I searched every part of this shithole of a city looking for her, but there was nothing. I did anything and everything I could to try and find her but eventually, the days rolled into years and the years just got darker.”
“What made you stop searching for her?”
“Emmet. We started to become close when I was still living on the street. He was always interested in my work and it kinda went from there. After he and his colleague arrested me, he took me in without a second thought. By that point, I was so angry with life and everyone in it but he somehow calmed the devil inside. I was so cruel at times but I was fighting so much chaos in my head. I walked. I shouted. I searched as if I were still that teenage boy until I broke down like there was no return. Emmet found me on the roadside just outside of Piccadilly one night when he was working. I wasn't drunk but I'd no recollection of how I got there. Once he found out about Tessa and the life I’d had, he begged me to stop because I was killing myself walking in circles. And at that point, I knew he was right but I hated him for it. So I did what I do best and hurt him, too. Just after that, I was diagnosed with bipolar, and I knew there was no going back and no way forward: Tessa was gone forever. I may have stopped searching physically but she is in my thoughts daily, and I've not stopped searching for her in my dreams. All I have of her is what’s in that room and what’s left in my memory." I turn to Pepper and her eyes are glistening with tears. “I miss her like you wouldn’t believe, Pepper.”
“I can believe it. Our losses may be different, Dexter, but the pain we carry daily is the same.”
Persie.
I can understand where she is coming from in terms of losing someone, but Pepper is too far from the truth here. Our stories are not the same and never will be because of the different roads we’ve walked. While she’s headed down a way of life that is so pure, I’ve been left to scrape my way through the wreckage and ruins I deserved.
“But that’s just it. We are not the same. What happened with Persie was the worst kind of hell that you never deserved to be put through, but with me, Tessa being taken was all on me.”
“Don’t say that,” she says firmly. “That was not your fault.”
“It was.”
“No!” She sits up, her blue eyes focusing on me with sheer frustration and determination, the intensity in her soft tone noticeable. “None of this is your fault, Dexter. You are not responsible for what happened with Tessa or the life you had. You had no control over any of this and you know it.”
That brick of fucking guilt cuts my throat. “I took her hand and left home, Pepper.”
“That doesn’t make it your fault. What you did was to look out for her like you promised in the only way you could. You took her out of a situation that was dangerous and vile.”
“And led her into a whole new world of hell.”
“Tessa being taken is not down to you, Dexter. None of this is your fault and it hurts that I have to witness you believe that it is.” A single tear slips down her cheek. “You were just a boy. Why are you punishing yourself so hard for something that was out of your control?”
I sit up and face her head-on. The ferocity with which she throws her opinions at me is tainted with anguish, devastation and an honesty I know hurts her just as much as it kills me. But she needs to know the realism of who I am.
I thumb my chest, somehow hoping it will make her see. “Because it’s what I deserve. I’m that monster, Blue—the one my mother said I’d end up being and she was right. Look what I did to you.”
“What you did to me was because you’re not well.”
“But that doesn’t make it right. I’ve lived a life that’s twisted and damaged and worthless, Pepper, and it’s the penalty—a price I’ve had to pay. I hurt people. I do bad things. This is who I am. I’m that person, the one I was always told I would be.”
“You’re wrong.” Her voice cracks and she falls into my chest, her tears soaking my shirt. “If only you could see what I see,” she mumbles, hitting my chest once in frustration.
I’ll never see what she can because I’ve absorbed these feelings of misery for too long over the years. It will be a long time before I truly see these things in myself. I know there must be something in me because otherwise sh
e would have run and kept on running. And that’s the part of me I can’t even begin to comprehend and I question if I ever will. She’s had the power to reach deep inside my fractured heart and made me find a love I never knew existed. She’s made me feel things I didn’t know were possible, and to this very day, I still can’t get over that. It’s like she has this beautiful hold over me that I never want to end, and every time I feel so worthless, she’s right back there driving me to feel something else. She’s made me believe I’m wanted.
Loved.
And I’ll do anything to keep that regardless of the fact I don’t deserve it.
"I'm not a worthy person, Pepper. I don't deserve the joy you've brought to my heart and I'll never be able to repay you in the way I know you should be.”
Sitting her up so I can see her eyes, I brush my thumbs over her cheeks to remove her tears. I hold her firmly so she understands the conviction in the next words I speak—so she understands they are no lie. But the words I dread will be the ones that follow from her mouth, and I know they will have the power to pull my heart in each and every direction.
"I’ve never wanted anyone, Pepper. I tried so hard not to want you, and I understand if you don't trust me anymore because I hurt you so badly, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me I'll do anything to make it right. I've already lost so much; I can't lose you, too. It will kill me.”
“Dexter, I—”
I pull her closer, desperation now running through every inch of me. “I know I’m not perfect. I know your life would be far better without me in it, but the selfish part of me is not prepared to let you go. I need you. You’re the only thing that makes sense in my world so broken. You make me breathe. When you're gone, I miss you. When you're near I need you closer. You're everything I didn't know I was searching for and everything I can’t live without."
My heart thunders hard in my chest and I have to swallow the lump in my throat with everything I’ve just laid bare. I have to make her see. I need to make her see because without her I have nothing left. Without her, I’ll never find the light I’ve been searching for all this time.
The longer she halts her breathing and studies me with those questioning eyes, the more my heart is breaking beneath the wounds that line my veins.
“You scared me,” she finally whispers. Her body trembles under my hands, the heat of her skin burning, and I’m unsure if it’s from fear or the fact she’s cried so much. “You hurt me.” Those two statements alone are enough to shatter me into pieces.
I go to speak but she stops me, placing her finger against my lips as her voice remains low.
“I came here searching for something I’d lost but I’ve gained so much more along the way. You’ve made me forget. You’ve made me smile, and in return I’ve wanted you to feel what you made me feel inside. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be honest with me and open your heart. I needed you to see that you don’t have to hide. Now I understand your reasons for wanting to shut yourself away because you’ve been in this dark world for too long, fighting it on your own. You hurt me, Dexter, and I can see how much that kills you. I can see the pain in your eyes, but hear me when I say, you are not the monster you believe you are because you’ve shown me how gentle you can be, and it takes my breath away. However, if I’m honest, I’m worried it’s me who’s no good for you.”
My breath catches. "Don't say that… Why would you say that?"
"Because if all you do when we are together is stop taking your meds because you believe you don't need them, then I’m putting you and everyone else in vulnerable situations and I don't want to be held responsible for making you worse."
I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished, needing her to not blame herself, and I hate the fact I’ve made her think this when it’s all on me. "Me not taking my meds was all my own doing, Pepper, not yours. None of this was you."
"Then why stop taking them?"
Because I’m a fucking idiot and have tarnished everything.
"Because for the first time ever, I was high on life. I was happy. Someone wanted to be with me, and all those feelings outweighed the bipolar. I just thought that was all I needed—life was all I needed. I didn't stop deliberately: I just missed a few and because I still felt so good, I just carried on without them. I know it was wrong. I know it was reckless and I put everyone at risk. I put you at risk. But I swear, I didn't set out to intentionally hurt you. I need you to know that."
“I know.”
“You’re the only thing that keeps me grounded, Pepper. Without you, everything is chaos. Please don’t give up on me. Give me a second chance.”
The weight and deep deliberation she has in her stare is killing me. Anxiety floods me, and I’m at the point of feeling nauseous because I can’t stand the thought of this life without her.
“If we are going to make this work then things need to change.” Her voice is still low but the demand is so clear.
“I’ll do anything. Tell me how to make it right.”
“I need you to not shut me out anymore. You talk to me, Dexter. About everything.”
“I will.”
"You take your meds at all times. You need to carry on with the therapy until they say otherwise, and you have to control the JD when you’re low because that doesn’t help.”
“Okay...”
“I know this is not going to be easy for you, but if you can’t promise me any of that or you’re not willing to try, then I don’t know how long I’ll be by your side. It’s not just you that’s fighting to remain strong here."
“I won’t let you down, I promise.” A tear falls from me. I’ll do anything because I can’t lose her. “Thank you for not giving up on me."
“I can’t just walk away. Your name is tattooed across my heart.”
“I’m yours,” I whisper.
As she nods, a tearful smile graces her face and the tension I’ve been carrying in my heart ever since she walked out on me eases. She’s not the only one who has a name engraved in their heart. Every part of this woman fills mine own and I’m thankful for her love when I’ve given her every reason not to love me back. And she needs to know this. No matter what has been shared, the tears that have been shed and the promises I’ve made, she needs to know just how much I value her.
“There’s still one thing I’ve kept from you. One thing that I believe will change everything. One thing I should have told you long before we got to this point.”
Her eyes cloud with concern as she whispers. “Tell me.”
Bringing her close to my lips, I murmur the three words that have my soul burning with a fire I never want to be put out. “I love you.”
I swallow her sharp inhale with a kiss—a kiss so precious it has her gripping onto me with a touch so tender I can feel it deep at the bottom of my soul. It’s a kiss that rewrites all the hurt I’ve put her through—that fills me with serenity and slowly banishes the beast inside me back where it belongs. Everything about this beautiful woman has changed the person I’ve been drowning in for so long. She is my salvation on a dark day. My guide when I’m so lost.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Pepper
Seeing Dexter so distraught has been hard to bear. The deep, unvoiced pain that had come from him ruptured my heart, and all I’d wanted was to hold him as close as he’d needed and take that agony from him—hold him for him to know he isn’t alone.
I’d felt the dark side of loneliness when I lost Persie, but Dexter has had a lifetime of such brutal devastation that can never be rewritten that has made him feel anything but worthy and wanted. Walking into his room of hidden secrets had hit me hard.
The impact I felt from the watercolour paintings and drawings is something I’ll never be able to rationalise. The paintings are exquisite and poetic and something out of this world, but I’d felt the rawness behind each one of those beautiful portraits and the depth of pain that is soaked into the paper.
The ache in my heart had been o
verwhelming, but nothing will ever compare to how I felt when I watched Dexter and his broken soul sinking to the floor in pieces to disclose everything he’s locked away for so long.
Regardless of the things that have been said and done, I’d know then that I couldn’t walk away. I can’t even begin to imagine the life that Dexter and Tessa had gone through but the life he’s led since has been catastrophic.
No one should go through all that torture and anguish. No child should be left to care for another child or be put in a situation where they have to decide what’s the best way to survive. And no one should be made to feel as unworthy and neglected as Dexter has felt since as long as he can remember. How can I walk away from that? Truth is I can’t because not only would I be the same as everyone else that has abandoned him, I can’t bring that heartache on myself either. When I’d entered the gallery yesterday, my head had been all over the place. Seeing him for the first time since I’d left had restarted all those feelings I’d been trying to avoid.
I’d have been lying to myself if I’d said we were over—if I’d refused to acknowledge that I love him.
If I’ve learnt one thing in life it’s to not lie about how you feel. For so long after Persie, I’d told myself and others I was okay, but the more I had, the more I’d drown in a heavy form of grief.
I’d been able to see the regret in Dexter’s eyes and felt the remorse from him before he’d even touched me, and when I’d allowed him to kiss me, I’d felt every part of who we are the longer I held on.
Neither of us can escape how good we are for each other either.
I need him.
This is us.
But that doesn’t mean I’m naïve either. I mean what I’ve said about him needing to change. In order to keep me, he needs to keep the promises. He needs to work hard to prove to me he is willing, and I’ll be right beside him every step of the way. I don’t want to think about what will happen if he breaks his promise.