by K. L. Jessop
So for the moment, I’m here.
Stroking his forehead, I watch Dexter sleep as we lay in bed the next morning. We’d spent most of the night talking, releasing every one of the demons and holding each other like we’ve needed to be held. We’d made love with a passion that had my breath catching and my heart racing at how safe and secure he’d made me feel.
I don’t know what time I’d nodded off, but I know it’d been a while after Dexter as I’d continued to watch him, trying to work out how he’d managed to stay alive in the big, dangerous world when he’d been so small. The brutality of his words at times and his hard exterior make sense now. He’s not only fought a war in his mind, but he’s also built a barricade around him—battled against so many things year after year. But he doesn’t have to fight alone any longer, and I think he knows this because once he’d closed his eyes, he fell into a sleep so content it was beautiful to watch. I couldn’t take my eyes off him and I still can’t.
“Kiss me and I’m yours,” he whispers.
The beam that spreads across my face is nothing compared to the flush that hits my cheeks. “I thought you were sleeping.”
“I was. But then I had this urge to wake and see the beautiful woman next to me.”
“The woman you’ve not yet put your eyes on because they are still closed?” I joke.
“I’m just gearing myself up because I know she’s going to take my breath away once I lay eyes on her.”
“Stop it,” I whisper on a soft chuckle.
I don’t know about him but it’s my breath that is lost when his eyes find mine. The warmth in them is something I’ve not seen since before our fallout. Every hour that passes, I see my Dexter coming back to me as he slowly pushed past his depressive stage.
Shifting his position in the bed, he rolls me onto my back and covers me with his big frame. I can already tell that his workouts with Emmet are paying off as his muscles are even more prominent than before.
Looking down, Dexter studies me and I know that a thousand thoughts and questions are running through his mind. As well as wanting to wait for him to speak them, I want to give him encouragement—to let him know he can talk to me despite everything.
“Tell me what you are thinking?” I whisper.
“I’m thinking I need to pee.”
I slap his shoulder and his smile widens. “I’m serious. I can see that look in your eye. Talk to me. Let me hear you.”
“I’m thinking…” He hesitates. “I’m thinking, how have I got so lucky when I’ve been so bad? I’m thinking of all the ways I can repay you so you’ll know, for as long as you want me, that I appreciate everything that makes you who you are. You bring out the best in me and I didn’t even know I had a best side. I’m thinking of how fucking good it feels to wake up knowing I’ve nothing to hide anymore and I’m thinking—how much I love that you never ran once you knew. All these years, I’ve been lost Blue, and never knew how to be free. Then you walked into my life and changed everything. I know you keep telling me not to say this but I really don’t deserve you or your love.”
This.
This is why I love him and can’t ever give up on him.
I know it’s not going to be easy for him, but it saddens me that even now he still doesn’t believe just how valuable he is to my heart.
“Dexter, I never ran because none of this is your fault. I want you to know your worth. You mean too much for me to just walk away before even trying. The life you had doesn’t change the way I love you. If anything, it makes me love you more. You have to believe that now. I need you to believe this.”
“I do… I think. It’s just strange because I’ve never had what you’re giving me. Sometimes, it just gets a little too overpowering and that scares me because I don’t want to push you away.”
“You won’t push me anywhere if you tell me when you’re feeling it. We need to help each other in order to help you.”
He kisses me gently, slipping his tongue into my mouth.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I bring him closer, needing him everywhere. The hotness of his naked body against me is sublime. He deepens the kiss before moving to my jaw to nip my skin then higher to my earlobe to do the same thing before he mumbles, “As much as I want to fuck you right now. I need to make you breakfast.”
“You are breakfast.”
“Not today.” He pulls back, straightening his arms so his upper body is high above me. Wiggling his brows he grins. “I wanna cook. And you need to feed the lioness inside of you by the sounds of it.”
“I am a little hungry.”
“A little? Jesus, you can break sound barriers with the noise of your stomach, woman.”
I laugh. “So if you’re not going to fuck me, how are you going to get rid of the semi that’s pressing into me?”
“I’ll just think of Emmet.” He grins before getting up from the mattress.
He stretches his ripped body and my teeth instantly sink into my bottom lip at the sight of him before he pulls on some jeans and walks into the bathroom. I hear him humming to himself —the sound creating a feeling inside that I want to last forever—and I grin. Knowing he’s content right now brings a warmth to my soul. I want him to feel and remain happy—to know that he has family in both myself and Emmet, in my parents.
With an urge from within, I leave the bed and head into the room full of Tessa that is no longer locked. I’d told Dexter not to lock her away anymore, that she needs to be a part of him freely, even though she is no longer here.
With eyes as blue as the ocean, Tessa looks at me from the collection that lines the room. It’s both breath-taking and heart-breaking. I’ve countless photos of Persie and me from over the years, but all Dexter has are memories that fade over time. His portraits are from his imagination. I can’t even begin to understand how hard that must be.
“Her eyes were so powerful,” he says, making me jump.
“I’m sorry. I was just… I wanted to look at them again.”
“Don’t apologise. It’s fine.” He links his arms around me from behind and rests his chin on my head, and for a moment we stand in a timeless embrace as we look ahead.
“What did she want to be when she was older?”
“A vet,” he says without hesitation. “Or in Tessa language, an animal Doctor. She used to play with insects and all kinds when we were out in the garden, making homes for ants and beds for worms.”
I sense his smile.
“The time she found a mouse in our garden she thought it was fucking fantastic.”
I love listening to his stories that I know make him happy from a time where things were so grey.
“She sounds like a character.”
“Yeah. Although she also has a creative side to her, too, and would make music out of anything. Christ knows how she did it but she’d use tin cans as drums and pencils for sticks, beating out a fucking rhythm like she’d been playing in concerts for years—much to our mother’s disgust because she was of the belief that children should be seen and not heard. I’d sneak the cans and pencils up to our room so she could play when Mum was high.”
“Seems like you both have a creative side to you.”
“We certainly never got that from Mum. We must have just been granted with a quality we could both take to another level.”
“Yours is certainly paying off.” Wanting to face him, I turn in his arms. “Now’s the time to use your talent and reach the sky, Dexter. Show your work to the world and be proud of the gift you have been given. Make the gallery work so for once in your life you have something to look back on and be proud of.”
He smiles. “You’re determined to see me thrive with that place aren’t you?”
“Yes! And why not. There’s nothing holding you back now. Don’t let your past or your bipolar define who you are. Just be you.”
His face falls serious for a beat. “I can only do that with one guidance, Pepper. Yours. If I do this, I need you beside me showing me wh
ich direction to go in next, otherwise, I’m lost all over again. Emmet was always the one that sorted everything else like you do now. And I know I still have him too but all I do is paint.”
I raise a brow. “Did I say you had to do it on your own?”
“No.”
“Well stop overthinking then.”
He grins. “Sorry, Miss.”
“We can do this. You and me against the world, right? This is us.”
If there’s one thing I’m certain about doing for this man it’s making him believe how gifted he is. I want him to thrive. I want people to know his name for all the right reasons so they wash away all the bad he thinks they see. I want this for him and him alone and I’m not going to stop.
“I love us,” he whispers before his lips meet mine and I’m lifted around his waist and carried out of the room.
“Can you please let me help?” I ask Dexter who is chopping up some tomatoes to add to our lunch. Breakfast had been a little later than planned as I was taken back to bed, so now he is preparing a late lunch of omelettes, bacon and fresh salad while I sit on the kitchen counter watching him because he refuses to let me do anything.
“No. I want to do this for you.”
“Meanwhile I do what?”
“Sit there and look pretty.”
I roll my eyes at him. I’ve not been able to do anything today and as much as I’m enjoying being treated like royalty, I’m also itching to keep busy. However, seeing Dexter slowly getting back to feeling himself is great. I’m giving regular updates to Emmet while he’s working on his progress now that I’m here, and Malcolm has also sent a text asking how we are both doing. My parents, however, have been totally oblivious to recent events. Too many questions would have been asked. I haven’t seen them in almost two weeks and not only do I need to visit, I’m also hoping Dexter will come with me.
“So I have a question…” I say softly, letting my words fall low as apprehension hits.
“You and your damn questions again, huh?” As if he can sense my hesitation, Dexter stops chopping and looks up. “Go on.”
“Now that everything is out in the open, how do you like the idea of meeting my parents properly. Like dinner or something?”
His back straightens and I can see the fear and uncertainty burning in his eyes, so I continue, trying to reassure him.
“I mean, you’ve met them already, so it’s not like it’s completely new, but I thought it would be nice us all getting together properly.” Then it hits me that I’m pushing him on something I know he’ll find uncomfortable and after everything that’s gone on, I don’t want him to feel pressured. Shaking my head and holding up my hands, I add. “I’m sorry. It was a silly idea. Forget it.”
Placing down the knife he’s using, Dexter steps towards me, entering my space and grabbing my legs to wrap them around him. Without any words exchanged, he places his hands on my hips and looks at me, and like an overflowing river, guilt washes over me when I see the discomfort in his eyes. I want to apologise for making him feel this way but then a part of me is glad I have because showing me this side of him instead of hiding them is all I’ve been asking for. How can one man so rugged and worn look so beautifully broken?
As much as I hate the battles he faces, I’m pleased he’s in a place where he feels comfortable showing them now.
“Having dinner with your parents is not a silly idea, so don’t think that. I appreciate what you’re doing and I understand why you’re doing it. I would love nothing more than to meet them properly.”
“But?”
“But what if…” He pauses as if he can’t find the words or doesn’t wish to say them. But what stares back at me is a look I've become far too familiar with.
I swallow the frustration that’s trying to explode. “They are not going to judge you, Dexter. They know who you are because they’ve met you briefly already. Just because you’ll be with them longer and Dad wears a posh suit while Mum parades around in her glitter and gold, doesn’t mean it will give them longer to assess you. They understand who you are.”
He frowns. “They know I’m bipolar?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “It wouldn’t matter to them if you had one leg and three arms. What matters to them is me and my happiness, and I want them to see that I’m at my happiest when I’m with you. But if I’m honest, I also want you to know that there is a new family out there ready to welcome you into it if that’s what you want.”
If I could surround him with everything he’s never had over the years and place them into this moment I would, because even though I’ve seen a difference in him since he spoke of his childhood, I can also see the deep hesitation he’s trying desperately to hide.
“Talk to me, Dexter. No more secrets remember.”
“You won’t like my answer.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“The only family I had before you was Emmet. He’s the only one who knew me and that’s how I’ve wanted it to stay. Now, the thought of placing me into a situation where I’d be so exposed to anything and anyone scares me. I’d be out of my depth. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t get this dirty part of me out of my vision and that’s the side of me I believe others see. Sometimes even you.”
“You know I don’t.”
“But I can’t help but think that you do. It’s in here, Pepper.” He taps his head. “Everything I fight is in here and it messes with me when I least expect it. Sometimes it’s hard to find a way out. I’m trying, I really am, and I’ll love nothing more than to get to know your parents better because they are a part of you, but I don’t think I’m ready. I just want my time spent with you right now where no questions too uncomfortable will be asked. I want and need to make it right with you first because you’re the only person I need to make happy right now.”
If I’d had any form of comeback he’s just squashed it down in seconds. I’d wanted his honesty and I’ve been given so much more that my heart is full of both sorrow and adoration.
“We can wait,” I murmur. “I didn’t mean to push you.”
“You didn’t. You just acted in a way anyone else would in a situation like we are in. I want you in my life, Pepper, and I’ll do anything to make this work, but I just need time when it comes to bigger things I’ve never experienced before. Let me have a few more weeks with my therapist so I’m in a better state of mind.”
God, how can I reply to that?
He’s really trying. Leaning forward, I kiss him on the forehead and whisper. “I’ll be right here with you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. I just need time.”
“I know.”
His hands slide up the inside of my shirt to cup my breasts as he captures my mouth with his, sweeping his tongue along my bottom lip before tugging it between his teeth and causing me to whimper.
But we are soon interrupted.
“Erm, while you two make out in the corner. The bacon is burning,” Emmet chirps, entering the house like a private investigator. My stomach drops when I remember I’m sitting here in Dexter’s T-shirt and my underwear. Dexter must see my internal panic, but instead of helping me out he just grins and responds.
“And for your sarcasm, you can finish cooking so I can finish kissing my girl.” His mouth is a breath away from mine before he kisses me briefly and pulls back to turn towards Emmet, keeping him entertained while I jump off the counter and head over to get Dexter’s joggers to wear. “And it’s about time you start knocking on my door before you enter.”
“You mean I’ve been banished from using my key? Oh, that hurts,” he says dramatically.
“Stop being a pussy and make yourself useful. The bacon needs some attention.”
“You see what I’ve had to put up with all this time without you, Pepper?” Emmet grins as I head back to them.
“I can imagine.”
“You’re meant to be on my side, Blue.”
“The only side I’m on is the hunger side so one of yo
u feel free to carry on cooking.”
Both men look at each other before Emmet grins wider. “Knew her attitude would be good for your moody arse.”
“Fuck you.”
“Hungry woman over here.” I point to myself, my words breaking up their man hug.
“Jeez, what were you saying about her attitude?” Dexter murmurs to Emmet out the corner of his mouth as if I can’t hear him.
“Some firecracker you have there. I’m here for you, buddy.”
“This firecracker can hear every word, you know.”
“Oh, Pepper, hello. I didn’t see you there now that you’re fully clothed,” Emmet jokes, making myself and Dexter chuckle.
“It’s not often she’s clothed of late.”
“Which I take no responsibility for because I never win the war when you’re after me.”
Dexter throws a dishcloth at me playfully. “Never hear you complaining.”
“No, seriously, pushing all jokes aside, I’ve not seen this guy so happy in forever, and although I praise his fight to get stronger each day, I can’t thank you enough, Pepper, for not giving up on him when he was at his worst. I can go home at night knowing he’s in good hands and from my point of view, it’s the best feeling ever knowing he’s this happy.”
Emmet’s gratitude brings tears to my eyes, and for a moment I can’t say or do anything other than look at Dexter who is watching me from across the room with a smile on his face. Somehow, hearing Emmet’s appreciation means more to me than anything else—not that I was looking for his approval because he’s not that sort of guy. But the fact he has this unbreakable bond with Dexter means it’s important to me that Emmet is happy too.
“Thank you, Emmet.” Wiping my stray tear away, I give him a hug. “I’m glad he has you, too.”
“You both do. I’m here for both of you.”
“And he means that, Blue. I’ve been trying to get rid of him for years but the fucker keeps coming back.”