The Certainty of Violet & Luke

by Jessica Sorensen

  That gets Luke to smile. ‘I can totally picture you all dressed in black and covered in studs.’

  ‘Yeah, I pulled it off pretty well. The ring would have looked totally kicks ass too, but yeah, about five minutes after I got the ring, Mrs Fairly informed me that she’d given me the wrong present, took it away, and gave the ring to her daughter. My real present ended up being new socks.’ I stop talking, my heart knocking inside my very long confessional. ‘Yeah, sorry about the sad, pity party story. I don’t know what got into me.’ I glance down at the cupcake. What the hell did Greyson put in this thing? Truth Serum?

  Luke’s continues to drive down the road, mulling over something. ‘I hate holidays too,’ he admits, flipping his blinker on to turn off the main road. ‘We never really celebrated them right. For Halloween, we’d usually clean the house, although Kayden and I did go out trick or treating a few times. For Thanksgiving, if I was lucky, she’d let me and Amy cook a good meal or I’d get invited to one of my friends, but that’s when I was older. And Christmas …’ His mouth snaps shut, his knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel. ‘Let’s just say that Christmases were the worst.’

  I feel like he’s giving me something in return for sharing my story, even if I really didn’t mean to. Stuffing the rest of the cupcake into my mouth, I slide across the seat toward him and hold my pinkie up. ‘You know what we should do? We should make a promise not to make a big deal of holidays.’

  He considers what I said, glancing from my pinkie to my face. ‘You’ve never dressed up for Halloween and gone out trick or treating ever?’

  I shake my head. ‘I’m sure I did when I was still with my parents, but the memories are too foggy to remember it – most of them are anyway,’ I say, my heart constricting in my chest at the painful reminder.

  Instead of giving me a look of pity, determination fills his expression. ‘Then how about this? How about we celebrate the shit out of all the holidays. Every single Goddamn one. Every single year.’ When he stops at a stop sign, he turns to face me in the seat and lifts his pinkie in front of me. ‘What do you say? Are you in?’

  I know his words have much bigger meaning than just celebrate a few holidays, but I’m not sure if I’m promising them to the full. Still, what he’s proposing sounds like something I’ve always wanted, but never let myself want, since I was about five years old. So I hook my pinkie with his and decide to give it a try. ‘Okay, Mr. Stoically Aloof, I’m in.’

  Chapter 17

  Violet

  ‘Oh my God, I think I’m going to die.’ I breathe through my nose because the smell of the mat I’m lying in is more pungent that spoiled eggs left out in the sun on a hot, muggy day. Seth is lying next to me, something he did after he declared he wasn’t a gym person either. Greyson, however, is, at least the kind that loves to run on treadmills, but I’m not too surprised, considering how cheery he was this morning about going.

  Seth and I are hanging out on the mats, lying on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, the sound of clanking and grunting surrounding us. Callie’s doing some sort of kickboxing class, and Greyson’s on the bikes. There’s this super poppy song, with an upbeat beat and lyrics playing, and it makes me want to find the stereo and break it.

  Nope, I’m not a morning person, something I’ve known for a while, but it’s been made clear to everyone that is graced with my presence today.

  ‘Give me some of your coffee,’ Seth playfully demands, reaching over me to steal my iced-latte.

  I swat his arm. ‘No way. Get your own damn coffee.’

  He lets out a frustrated grunt as he lies back down on the mat. ‘Greyson wouldn’t let us stop to get one. He said we were running late and that it was my fault therefore I had to go without coffee.’

  ‘Dude, he’s so hardcore,’ I joke, because Greyson is anything but that.

  ‘Totally,’ Seth agrees sarcastically.

  Sighing, I sit up and offer him a sip of my coffee. ‘But don’t drink it all or I’ll have to kick your ass.’

  He shoots me a doubtful look as he takes the coffee from my hand. ‘I highly doubt that. You may act a badass, but you’re so not.’

  I eye him over purposefully. He’s wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves fashionably rolled up to the elbows, dark jeans, and his hair is tousled and has these blondish highlights that look like he spent some time in a salon to get. But now I live with him I know that’s not the case, that they’re a-la-natural. He looks very Hipster, which would be fine except we’re at the gym. ‘Look who’s talking. You look like you’re getting ready to go to a concert instead of going the gym.’

  ‘Oh, speaking of concerts.’ Seth takes a long drink of the coffee then hands it back to me. ‘There’s an awesome one playing tonight at The Silver Moon Grill. No one huge or anything, but there’s a pretty good lineup. Plus, it’s freaking Halloween and it has a theme and everything. You should come.’

  I look at him suspiciously. ‘Did Luke tell you to invite me?’ He seemed so set on getting me out of the house more that I have to wonder.

  He looks lost. ‘No … I haven’t even told him about it.’ He pauses. ‘Why would you ask that?’

  I shrug, sipping on my coffee. ‘It’s not like you invite me to hangout or anything. You only started talking to me civilly a couple of months ago.’ I wonder if it’s because he pities me with all the shit going on, although Seth doesn’t seem like a person who pities people a lot. He’s actually pretty blunt, which I can handle, but this morning he’s been tiptoeing around me, probably with what happened last night. If I were them I’d think about moving out with the girl who attracts the crazy. It’s not like I want them to; it just seems like it’d be safer and easier for them.

  ‘And vice-versa.’ He leans back against the wall and stretches out his legs in front of him. ‘You’re just as much of a drama mama as me honey.’

  I sip my coffee then set it down on the mat. ‘I prefer the term interesting and never boring.’

  ‘That is not the same.’

  ‘Yeah, you’re probably right.’ I pause. ‘Why are you nice to me now, though.’

  He shrugs again, staring at his shoes. ‘When I first met you, it seemed like you were a real bitch to Callie and kind of a whore, but after learning who you are, I realize my first observation was wrong.’

  I am curious what he thinks of me now, but not enough to ask him. Deciding to change the subject, I put my legs out, doing a lame attempt at the splits, figuring I can at least pretend like I’m getting warmed up to do something. I’m wearing tight shorts and old t-shirt and my hair’s pulled up in a ponytail. ‘Fine, if you really want me to go to the concert, I will,’ I tell him. ‘As long as it’s after dinner with Luke’s dad and Trevor and Luke can come with me.’ I’m sure he will want to, since we promised to celebrate the shit out of holidays only a half an hour ago.

  ‘It doesn’t start till nine,’ he tells me. ‘And duh, I assumed you’d bring Luke with you. You two are attached at the hips now.’

  Even though it’s true, his observation still catches me off guard. Lost in my thoughts, I stretch again, leaning forward into this awkward position. ‘God, why do people this – my face is pretty much level with my vagina.’

  Seth laughs. ‘Well, you’re choosing to do it, so maybe you’re enjoying it.’

  I flip him the middle finger without lifting my head. ‘Ha ha, you caught me.’ I stay in the same position, putting my hands on my legs, fingers wrapping around my thighs. ‘You know, I think I’m going to get a tat on the side of my thigh,’ I say more to myself than anything. ‘Something new.’ Yes, new would be good. Everything is old right now, connected to the past.

  A shadow casts across me and then I hear Luke say, ‘What are you to doing?’ He sounds like he’s out of breath.

  ‘Oh just watching Violet touch herself,’ Seth answers amusedly. ‘And listening to her talk about self-infliction.’

  ‘Huh?’ Puzzlement floods Luke’s voice.

 
; I roll my eyes at Seth as I sit up and Seth reciprocates my gesture with a smirk. ‘Nothing,’ I say, glancing up at very shirtless, sweaty, and I’ll admit, sexy Luke. ‘I was just talking about getting a tattoo. That’s all.’

  ‘Oh yeah, where would you get it?’ he asks curiously, still trying to catch his breath from the workout. I trace my finger up the side of my thigh, all the way up to my hip. His breathing grows quiet, maybe even stops as he tracks the path my finger made. ‘That’d be a nice spot.’ His voice is low, husky.

  ‘You think so?’ I ask, totally enjoying the fact that he’s turned on by this. That and the fact that it’s a normal moment right now. It’s been a while and seems to be coming from nowhere, but I’m going to take it and grasp onto it with all the strength that I have.

  Luke nods, finally jerking his attention away from my hip and focusing on my eyes. ‘Definitely. And I’ll come with you when you get it.’

  ‘I don’t need my hand held.’ I bring my knees into my chest. ‘I know what’s up – it’s my fourth one.’

  ‘Oh, I’m not going to hold your hand.’ His gaze is sweltering to the point where I swear to God my skin starts to melt, but I can’t seem to look away. ‘That would be sexy as hell to watch,’ he says, his eyes dropping to my thigh again.

  I want to tell him about every tattoo I plan on getting, just to keep that skin-melting look he’s giving me on his face.

  But apparently Seth doesn’t agree. ‘Jesus, would you two let up with the eye-fucking.’

  Luke gives Seth a harsh look and then shakes his head. ‘Anyway, I just came to see what you two were up to and that if everything was okay.’ There’s an underlying meaning in his tone – he’s worried about how I acted last night and wants to see if I’m okay.

  I nod, letting him know that I’m fine, but really I have no clue what I’m feeling. Usually in these types of situations, I’d run to the nearest window and picture myself falling. Right before I hit the ground, I’d take my last breath. I want to really, really want to do it. Dreamt about it last night. Thought about the images repeatedly this morning, but between my choice to live in the water and making Luke a promise that I’d try to stop, I’m not going to.

  He releases a stressed breath then nods. ‘Okay, but if you need be, come get me.’ He hitches a finger over his shoulder and points at one of the rooms. ‘Kayden and I switching rooms.’

  I frown as I get to my feet. ‘You’re not done yet?’

  He finds me amusing. ‘We’ve been here for a half of an hour.’

  I fold my arms across my chest. ‘That’s a half of an hour too long if you ask me.’

  Then gets him to laugh, even though I was being serious. ‘You’re cute.’ Then he gives me a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the ass before walking off.

  I turn to Seth and raise my eyebrow. ‘What am I? One of his football buddies now?’

  Seth looks up at me with this funny look on his face. ‘I think you’re pretty much the opposite for him.’

  ‘And what the hell’s the opposite of a football buddy? ‘

  ‘I don’t know … his lover.’ He shoots me a devious grin and waggles his eyebrows.

  That strikes a nerve as I think about a couple of weeks ago and how Luke said he loved me and I realized that I have no idea what the fuck love is and how I felt bad that I couldn’t say it back to him. I want to at least understand it, but I have yet to figure out how to do so.

  My expression immediately plummets and Seth notices that it does. He sits up quickly, eagerness written all over his face. ‘Holy shit, he said it to you, hasn’t, he?’ He scurries to his feet, eager to hear the gossip.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about this,’ I say uncomfortably, scanning the workout room, searching for a diversion. But machines that look like torture devices and sweaty people I don’t know surround me.

  ‘Talk about what?’ Greyson joins us from seemingly out of nowhere, sweat on his brow and in his hair. His shirt has some on it too, yet he looks content with his tired, sweatiness.

  ‘Nothing, hence why I said I don’t want to talk about it,’ I tell him, picking up my coffee, ready to bail. I’ll tell Luke I had to run somewhere. Lie. Problem is, after last night, he’ll freak out I’m sure and I don’t want to do that to him.

  ‘Luke told Violet he loves her,’ Seth announces and I shoot him a dirty glare as he slaps his hand over his mouth. ‘Sorry. I’m a terrible liar though.’

  ‘What?’ Greyson sounds more hurt than excited. He steps in front, blocking my path out of here. ‘When did that happen?’

  I pick at my purple fingernail polish. ‘I don’t know, like a couple of weeks ago.’

  The hurt in his eyes magnifies. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  I shrug, guilt burning in my chest. ‘Because there wasn’t much to tell.’

  There’s a pause then he grabs my good arm and tugs me to the corner of the gym that smells worse than the mat. Seth calls out to him, but he ignores him.

  ‘What happened?’ Greyson asks, standing in front of me, so I’m kind of trapped in the corner. A corned cat, that’s what I am. And one that wants to run.

  ‘He said,’ I make air quotes. ‘’I love you’ … I couldn’t say it back.’

  ‘Yeah, okay.’ A slow breath escapes his lips as he nods at something he must be thinking inside his head. ‘Couldn’t because you don’t love him? Or couldn’t because you just couldn’t say it back yet?’

  I wish I could say the latter, that I was the kind of person capable of love and just needed more time, but I honestly don’t know. ‘I’m not sure which one.’

  He gives me a sad look. ‘Violet, I know love can be scary and everything, but it’s scary in the amazing, steal your breath, feels like your flying kind of way. You shouldn’t be afraid of it.’

  ‘I’m not afraid of it.’ My heart begins to do panicked dance inside my chest as emotions singe through my veins. ‘Just confused what it is.’

  I don’t want to have to say it – that I don’t even know what love is. That the last time I felt loved and truly loved someone was when I was five and my parents were still alive. Greyson knows enough about my past that he can perhaps figure this out on his own. Please, please figure this out on your own so I don’t have to say it aloud.

  I don’t know if he figures it out or not, but he steps back and drops it.

  We head back to the mat when suddenly his eyes light up. ‘I have an idea,’ he says, his sullen mood vanishing.

  My mind is swimming with too many emotions. I’ve been trying not to do it, to run off and seek some sort of dangerous thrill in order to calm myself the fuck down. But it’s been two weeks, two weeks of piled up emotions, heavy, painful emotions. ‘Oh yeah …’

  He nods then motions at me. ‘Follow me.’

  I don’t want to follow him. I want to run out the door – the door that I can see, so close, I just need to step toward it. But what happens when I get outside? What happens when I decide to dive into the water this time and I don’t make it out? Or what if I make it out and Preston is there and this time a crowd doesn’t show up?

  ‘Hey, Violet.’ The sound of a female voice greeting me forces me to turn my head away from the door. I’ve reached the mat area in my daze and Seth, Greyson and Callie are all standing near me, like we’re at camp and attempting to form some sort of friendship circle. I feel like we should be holding hands and singing. Seriously.

  I give Callie a tight smile. It’s not that I don’t like Callie. It’s just that things are a little weird between her and me since we shared a dorm freshman year and she thought I was a prostitute. Really I was selling drugs, but I let her believe that I was a whore because I never really cared what people thought of me – still don’t. But I was kind of mean to her sometimes; although my argument is it wasn’t just her I was rude to, but everyone.

  I’m about to bail, figuring I’ll let them do their thing and I can go do mine when Greyson says, ‘Callie, you should show Violet some of your kickb
oxing moves. I think it’d be good for her to let a little steam out.’ It seems funny to me, Callie teaching me to kickbox. She’s about four or five inches shorter than me, brown hair, blue eyes, thin – basically a little tiny thing. Yeah, I’m thin myself, but I look rough around the edges. But looks can be deceiving and I’m guessing from the way everyone is acting, she’s got some hidden badass kicking skills.

  ‘Why does everyone think I have anger issues?’ I ask, fixing my hair tie, wondering if they all know about my twisted past and the issues going on between Luke and I. Just the news alone will give them details about the case so I’m guessing they at least know my history. Maybe that’s why they think I have anger issues. Either that or Luke told them something, but I doubt he’d do that to me, especially when he has his own secrets I’m pretty sure he doesn’t share with them.

  ‘Um, because you do,’ Seth says with an eye roll.

  Callie shoots him a warning look. ‘Don’t be rude,’ she says like I’m something precious and can’t handle a little bluntness.

  I almost laugh at the idea, but restrain it, thinking about how I couldn’t handle it at therapy the other day. ‘Yeah, well do you too,’ I tell Seth in a lame attempt to get the attention off of me. Besides, I’ve seen Seth angry before, many, many times.’

  Seth rolls his eyes again. ‘Honey, I have the exact opposite of anger issues.’

  I cross my arms and give him a conniving look. ‘Oh yeah, tell that to the Silver Linings Playbook DVD.’

  Greyson looks at him aghast then points a finger at him. ‘That was you.’