The Certainty of Violet & Luke

by Jessica Sorensen

  ‘Just this whole visit with the therapist thing,’ I lie, stilling my fingers.

  ‘Okay.’ It’s clear from his skepticism that he doesn’t believe me.

  ‘Luke’s got me worried too,’ I blurt out, scaring the bejesus out of myself because I swear my mind just took on a mind of its own. When he gives me this interrogative sidelong glance, I add, ‘He’s just nervous over the game.’

  ‘And that makes you nervous? ‘

  ‘No.’

  Rain splatters against the window as he stares at me.’ ‘Okay, I’m so confused.’

  ‘So am I,’ I admit, rubbing my hand over my face. ‘These last few weeks I’ve been nothing but confused.’

  He downshifts to turn. ‘Over?’

  ‘Mira being in prison,’ I say. ‘Preston; wanting to move on from that ordeal … how I can’t move on until he decides to let me.’

  ‘The police will find him, Violet.’ He reaches over and gives my leg a pat. ‘And until they do, you’re safe. You’ve got a lot of people looking out for you.’

  ‘I know.’ I bite at my fingernails. ‘Can I ask you a question?’

  He nods. ‘You know you can ask me anything.’

  ‘Okay, but I need you to promise that you won’t tease me or get all excited and over analyze it. And that you’ll drop it when I say so.’

  ‘Okay, now you’ve got me nervous.’

  ‘I’ve got myself nervous,’ I tell him, tracing one of the heart drawings Seth put on my cast. ‘But I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.’

  He turns the car down one of the side streets that lead to the university. The shedding trees that canopy the road are evidence that winter is just around the corner. ‘Okay, I promise not to do any of those things. Now spill what’s on your mind.’

  I’m not sure where to start. I blow out a breath and just let it out of me. ‘So I’ve been having these thoughts.’

  ‘Mmm hmm.’ He’s choosing his responses carefully.

  ‘About my … feelings.’ The word feels so foreign.

  His grip tightens on the steering wheel. Greyson knows me well enough to understand that me talking about feelings is a huge deal. ‘Okay, what feelings exactly?’

  I itch at my wrist where the cut used to be, but now is just a thin, fading scar. ‘About life and …’

  ‘Yeah …’

  ‘Luke.’ I wince as I say it, because letting it out into the world makes it that much more real, and also bluntly obvious that something is unquestionably going on inside me.

  He turns into the parking lot of the university and parks as close as he can. He leaves the engine running and turns into the seat to face me. ‘Do I dare ask what feelings we’re talking about?’

  ‘I honestly can’t answer that because I don’t know.’ I pause, my mouth opening and closing repeatedly.

  ‘Violet, this is a safe zone,’ Greyson says, putting a hand on mine. ‘You can say whatever you want without judgment.’

  I hate that I have to be reassured, that I’ve become that kind of person, but it is what it is. ‘What’s love like?’ I blurt out like a madwoman.

  It’s clear I’ve shocked him and that this wasn’t the question he wasn’t expecting me to ask. As he takes in the entire meaning of what I just said, his eyes fill with sadness. I half expect him to say something about being so sorry that I don’t know the answer to this, but he doesn’t and it makes me like him that much more.

  ‘It’s like falling and flying at the same time.’ He shakes his head and then waves it off. ‘Sorry, that was a bad analogy. Let me try that again.’ He mulls over it for a minute, gazing off, a smile forming before he clears his throat and returns his concentration to me. ‘You know I can actually remember that exact moment I did fall in love. It was so crazy too, because it was like one second I was in the really-like phase and then suddenly I was fucking in love, like super, crazy, out-of-my mind in love.’

  ‘So it just happened?’ I ask skeptically. ‘There was no warning at all.’

  He shrugs. ‘Maybe for some people there’s a warning, but not me.’

  I bring my knee up and rest my chin on it. ‘Were you scared?’

  His eyes widen and he nods. ‘Heck, yeah, I was terrified out of my mind, but in this really good way, you know. But that’s because Seth made me feel good. Every time I was with him I was the best version of me and I was happy and felt so fucking content in life. More than I ever had.’ He pauses, growing reluctant. ‘Can I ask why you’re asking this?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet.’ I glance at the clock on the dashboard and ignore the voice inside my head that’s telling me that I do know why I’m asking this. ‘I should get going.’ I grab my bag and open the door, about to climb out into the rain, but then pause. ‘Thanks for sharing your story, though,’ I tell him. I’m not sure if it was hard for him or not, but I want him to know that I’m grateful.

  He smiles as he sits back in his seat. ‘Any time. It’s fun to remember anyway. It was a good moment in my life that should never be forgotten.’

  His smile is contagious and I end up stepping out into the rain looking so happy that people I pass by probably think I’m high. And I try to carry the feeling with me as I make my way to the Lana’s office, knowing I’m probably going to need it when I get there.

  Two hours later, I’m in the backseat of Seth’s car with him, Greyson and Callie, headed to the game, but my thoughts are elsewhere. The therapy session went okay. We didn’t get into anything too deep, just talked about my life now and how I feel about it, albeit the feeling part was hard and I didn’t verbalize it so great. Then we chatted a little about my parents, mostly just remembering what little things I could, which made me both sad and happy. The only thing that was really hard to deal with was when I told her about the dreams I’ve been having about the cemetery. When she asked me if I’d ever been to visit them, I’d shook my head and then she’s suggested that maybe one day I go. As if it was as simple as plucking a leaf off a tree. I told her I’d think about it, which I am, but not in the calming way she suggested. My mind is all over the place, thoughts floating around in my head like ping pong balls. My parents. The cemetery. My feelings. Luke. My parents. My feelings.

  I swear my brain is about to short-circuit. The thing that pulls me back to reality is when my phone starts ringing from inside the pocket of my leather jacket. I take it out and see an unknown number, which makes me hesitate before I answer. I’m guessing it’s either a reporter or Preston, and plan on hanging up right away, but it’s not. It’s Detective Stephner.

  ‘So I have some good news and some maybe bad news, depending on how you look at it,’ he says after I answer.

  I glance around the car, glad to see that Seth, Greyson and Callie appear to be engaging in a very intense conversation about football. ‘Okay, I’m listening.’

  ‘Well the trial is going to be starting soon,’ he says. ‘Which means things are moving forward.’

  I face the window, trying to keep the conversation as private as I can. ‘But she still hasn’t said who the other person was?’

  ‘No, not yet, but I wanted to give you a heads up that, for one, there’s a chance that her lawyer might try to plea insanity.’

  ‘For some reason, I’m not surprised,’ I mutter, then sigh, not sure how I feel about it. ‘Was that the good or bad news?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ he replies, then sighs to himself. ‘I don’t know, maybe I just have so-so news.’

  I frown. ‘So what’s the rest of it?’

  ‘That if we go to trial they might call you up on stand,’ he explains. ‘And Mira will be there when it happens.’

  I glance down at my cast, which will be off in two more weeks. ‘I’m not sure I can do that. My arm’s still in a freaking cast for God sakes.’

  ‘Violet, we already talked about this,’ he says. ‘It’ll be easier than the first time, seeing her, I mean. She’ll be under more control.’<
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  ‘How is that easier?’ I snap. ‘She’ll still be there.’

  ‘You’re a strong girl, Violet Hayes,’ he tells me, not really answering my question. ‘I know you can do this if needed.’

  ‘A lot of people would disagree with that statement.’

  ‘I’m a detective. I see more than most people.’

  I’m not sure what to do with this or if there’s anything I can do but accept it. I close my eyes and picture the photo I found last night. That’s what I’m doing this for, right? ‘Okay, I’ll do it if I need to.’

  ‘Good girl.’ He pauses and I open my eyes. ‘Have you talked to Luke at all?’

  ‘I talk to him every day,’ I say, warily. ‘Why? You going somewhere with this or just being your annoying self.’

  ‘Maybe I’m going somewhere with this.’ He’s speaking in code.

  I catch Greyson glancing over his shoulder at me with an inquisitive look so I turn toward the door as much as the seatbelt will let me. ‘Just spit it out, whatever it is.’

  ‘Watch it Violet,’ the detective warns. ‘Remember who you’re talking to.’

  ‘Yeah, the guy who wears Christmas ties on Halloween,’ I reply dryly. ‘Clearly I need to be careful.’

  He sighs and I know he’s going to drop it. ‘Look, I just wanted to say that you should probably make sure you and Luke are communicating since I’m guessing he’s going to be called in too – he might of already.’

  ‘He has?’ I ask. Well that’s news to me.

  ‘Maybe …’ One, two, three seconds tick by. ‘It might have been a call to defend.’

  I rest my head against the cool glass and shut my eyes as my chest constricts and sucks the air out of my lungs. Why didn’t he tell me? ‘Did he agree?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I’m just telling you things so you won’t be surprised if he says something about it to you.’ I hear someone saying something in the background. ‘But look, I have to go. I just wanted to give you a head’s up.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I mumble, then hang up the phone, leaving my forehead pressed against the window. There’s no way Luke would do that. He hates his mother. And he said he loves me. But all those years of being passed around through foster families are making me doubt this so called thing known as love. All the foster mothers and fathers who took me in, to take care of me, but then got sick of me and booted me to the door.

  ‘Violet, we’re here.’ Greyson’s voice rips me from my daze and when I look around I realize we’ve arrived at the stadium. It’s absolutely insane how many cars are parked there and how many people are walking around decked out in the school colors.

  ‘Holy balls,’ I say, not sure if I’m disgusted or impressed.

  Callie, Seth, and Greyson all laugh at my reaction then hop out of the car. I follow them, the loudness of their enthusiasm slamming me in the chest as I get out. The sun is peeking through the clouds and drying up the puddles on the asphalt, but the air is still ice cold.

  As we make our way through the chaos and toward the shiny steel stadium, Greyson links arms with me and Seth, then Seth links his through Callie, so we’re kind of this human chain. I don’t even know what to make of it. Never in a million year would I have ever of thought that I’d be doing this with three other people. But here I am, going to a freaking football game. I get lost in the atmosphere, the buzzing enthusiasm, the amount of people that we have to maze our way through.

  Just when I think it can’t get any more chaotic, we enter the stadium. My jaw just about drops; at the massive size of it, how packed it is, and how glowing and amped up everyone seems to be.

  ‘Jesus, it’s like a bubble full of enthusiasm, isn’t it?’ I say with wide eyes, wondering if I should back away because I clearly don’t belong here.

  Greyson must feel me trying to slink back from him because he tightens his grip and shakes his head. ‘No way. You are so doing this. If nothing else, for Luke.’

  Okay, he’s got me there. ‘Fine. You’re right.’

  ‘Awe, I know your soft spot now.’ He grins at me and I flip him off as I follow him to our seat, our arms still linked so it makes it super awkward and pretty annoying for the people passing us, which makes it entertaining for me. Every time someone huffs in frustration when they have to either wait for us to pass or squeeze by us, it makes my grin grow bigger.

  ‘See.’ Greyson waggles his eyebrows at me from over his shoulder. ‘Fun, right?’

  I shrug, but there’s a smile tugging at my lips. ‘Perhaps.’

  He rolls his eyes, but then grins as he continues up the stairs. ‘I’ll tell you what? If you promise to try and have fun, I will bake you an entire batch of cupcakes for yourself.’

  ‘How old do you think I am?’ I say, as we drop down in our seats, which are about halfway up the bleachers, giving us a decent view of the field and team benches down below. Callie and Seth are sitting on the other side of Greyson and I have two vacant seats beside me for Luke’s dad and Trevor.

  He gives me an accusing look as he reaches into his pocket and takes out a pair of gloves. ‘So you’re saying that you don’t want them?’

  I think about what he said, but not for very long. ‘Will you make them look like turkeys?’

  He slips on a glove. ‘What?’

  I zip up my coat. ‘For Thanksgiving.’

  He chuckles as he puts the other glove on. ‘Sure, I think I can do that.’

  ‘Fine, then I will try to have fun.’ I draw my hood over my head to keep my ears warm.

  Smiling, we both turn and look in the direction of the field, tucking our chins and mouths under the collars of our jackets to protect our skin from the cold. We’ve got a decent view, but Seth still brought binoculars and Callie brought a camera. While we’re waiting for it to start, Seth and Callie make a snack run and that’s when Luke’s father and Trevor join us. They sit to the side of me and I make introductions.

  ‘Greyson, this is Trevor and Mr Price.’ I gesture back and forth between them.

  ‘Please, call me James,’ Mr Price says as he shakes Greyson’s hand. ‘And you too Violet. None of this Mr Price stuff.’

  I nod and then Seth and Callie return with their hands full of popcorn, soda and candy bars, so I have to introduce them as well. Seth gives James’s hand a shake then gives me a bag of M&Ms, which I’m thankful for, before he plops into his seat and starts giggling with Callie about something.

  ‘You know, I’m going to risk looking stupid here, but I totally don’t get football,’ Trevor says almost shamefully as he buttons up his jacket.

  ‘Me neither,’ I reply, way less ashamed.

  James grins proudly as he takes a sip of the coffee he brought up with him. ‘Well, then, you two are in luck, because I just happen to know a ton about it.’

  Trevor nudges him with his elbow. ‘Maybe that’s because you played in high school.’

  James laughs and goes into this big speech about the rules and stuff, talking animatedly with his hands, seeming to enjoy the topic. I don’t understand ninety-nine percent of it, but smile and pretend I’m listening. He stops talking, though, when the team comes out and starts clapping a cheering with the rest of the crowd, yelling at the top of his lungs, his breath foggy in the air, but everyone’s is, really. I’m totally not into it, not understanding what the big deal is, until I spot Luke amongst the players. It’s not like I become some sort of football junkie or anything the moment I see him, but it still causes my heart to do this little flutter inside my chest that’s only happened a couple of times. I must be grinning or something too, because Greyson pokes me in the side and gives me this big cheesy grin.

  ‘See, not so bad, right?’ he says still clapping while Callie and Seth jump up and down, laughing.

  ‘It’s alright.’ I say, but my lips have become traitors and can’t seem to stop grinning like a ridiculous idiot. And as silly as it seems, for the first time in a while, I sit back and momentarily enjoy life without worrying about anything, really.
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  I end up waiting for Luke after the game with Callie. I wasn’t going to but I guess it’s a thing or something. After every game, Callie waits for Kayden, and I guess now that I’m with Luke and am coming to games, I’m expected to wait for Luke with Callie, at least that’s Greyson’s theory. When I don’t agree at first he threatens me with cupcakes, so I stay behind, but deep down it’s not really about the cupcakes.

  Trevor and James tell me that they’re going to go back to the hotel and warm up for a while, that California people were not made for this kind of weather. But they say to have Luke call them when he’s ready and we’ll go out and get something to eat.

  ‘And you guys can pick the place,’ Trevor says through his chattering, then laughs. ‘Since you weren’t a fan of the restaurant we picked.’

  ‘Was it that obvious?’ I ask, tucking my hands into my jacket pockets.

  Trevor laughs again. ‘It was kind of a dead giveaway when you spat out the water.’ He walks over to the edge of the canopy we’re standing under, heading toward the parking lot.

  James doesn’t follow him right away, instead pulling me in for another awkward hug like he did at the airport. ‘It was good to spend time with you,’ he says as I give him a pat on the back, feeling edgy and tense. He pulls away, seeming happy, then waves as he follows after Trevor, shivering the entire way. ‘See you at dinner,’ he calls out.

  I wave, then just stand there, under the canopy, staring up at the stars, trying to figure out how I got to this point in my life where people make me cupcakes, make me laugh, give me awkward-as-hell hugs, and invite me to dinner.

  I don’t get it.

  I really don’t.

  But I like it.

  My last thought gets to me because I’m accepting it – this life. Which means I’m accepting the possibility that I could lose it. It’s hard to admit this to myself, that I’m taking that chance, something I haven’t done since my parents died.

  ‘They played a good game, didn’t they?’ Callie says and I startle – I’d almost forgotten she was standing there with me.