Be My Knife

by David Grossman

  I’m not sure

  I’ll try to talk from the kitchen

  Their kitchen

  What did you say?

  I didn’t say anything

  How is it now?

  It’s good now, where are you?

  Where are you?

  I’m home …

  She truly does have a surprising voice, very young, fresh and quick, not at all what I imagined, she skips over syllables

  I found myself smiling, that story of his didn’t sound so terribly serious, it was even a little weak as far as excuses go

  So this is it, the situation: Maya left and he ran out after her, half naked, his coat open, because he suddenly realized that today we were serious about it

  From the first moment of our conversation, he sounded as if he had no clue what the next sentence to come out of his mouth would be, and I used my gravest voice and asked him what the problem was now

  Don’t you understand? He has to learn that you can’t be smart with us and he has to say he’s sorry

  His voice contracted again, the living contact with his excitement aroused me even more, and I knew he was able to excite himself so that he would believe any story he invented, and I almost yelled at him, Come, come, enough with your stories and your excuses

  I shut the door in his face, can you understand me; that has never happened to us, and he was quite amazed by it, a bit shocked, I think

  I tried not to make any mistakes, to play his little game with complete seriousness. So why don’t you take him to kindergarten now?

  No, I can’t now, don’t you understand, she doesn’t understand anything, he wants to come inside the house without saying he’s sorry

  A faraway bell started ringing. I was so confused, something clenched in my stomach, in that place that always knows before I do. You’re telling me your wife already left?

  Yes, yes. It was as if she hadn’t been listening this entire time, as if she heard only what she wanted to hear

  He’s outside? I mean, your son has been standing outside the door since … when did you say she

  Since the morning, I told you, since half past seven, this is her day in Safed

  But it’s already after half past nine

  Yes, this is what I’ve been telling you, he’s very stubborn, what an idiot I am for thinking she would immediately understand everything, without having to explain everything to her twenty times, she is so slow, I swear, he’s standing by the door, but I can watch him through the kitchen blinds

  Isn’t he cold? It’s terribly cold outside right now

  Of course he’s cold, you can see how the weather is outside, and the wind

  And it will rain soon, I said, and my voice broke a little, slipped over the word

  What the hell do I care about the rain, damn it, he should say he’s sorry!

  I was truly taken aback, it was a raging bark with a bite at the same time. So why don’t you let him in the house and talk to him about

  Because we decided, we made a decision, do you understand?

  No, I don’t understand … and I suddenly started to fear that I really didn’t understand anything at all

  I already told him that he would be able to come inside only after he says he is sorry!!

  But sorry about what? Every time he yelled, I felt as if he was striking me

  Tell me, have you not heard a word I’ve been saying?

  This man is doing things I thought no one could do to me anymore, that I wouldn’t let anyone do to me ever again. But he is a five-year-old child!

  Almost five and a half, and he’s very strong, he has an iron will, and I took off my shoes and my shirt as well

  I don’t understand. What did you do?

  I don’t want to have any advantage over him

  He’s barefoot and without a shirt?

  No, I only mean it’s cold outside, and we should be under totally equal conditions, but I am not going to let him win

  You can’t hold out this way all day—what does Maya say about this—I mean, your wife

  My wife isn’t here. She said “Maya.” She’ll be back late tonight. Could you do me a favor and leave out the excuses and explanations for one minute, because I really do have to go to work and he is still showing no signs of breaking

  I suddenly stopped chasing him, perhaps because he was too far from my grasp, beyond any hope, and for a moment I had some respite and could ask myself if I really did want to reach him

  I guess I finally managed to shock the great counselor of pedagogy into silence, to explain just what she is facing here

  Do you want to teach him something or break him? I didn’t mean to—the shout broke out of me

  I remembered something and laughed aloud, so she would know exactly what I was thinking about

  Don Juan’s Column on Children, I thought, and how he traps me again without even noticing it, by-the-by, as if he

  Listen, forget about it, the whole thing, I made a terrible mistake by calling her, thrusting her into my own foulness, so shut up, don’t say another word; yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe he must be broken, once and for all, otherwise he will never learn

  I don’t think you need to break somebody to

  Yes, you do, you have to you have to. Oh shut up, could you at least try and camouflage the shit you are, this is the only way children learn, the way she continues with this lame earnestness to argue with me, with all her decency and that honesty, instead of coming here and kicking me

  You’re behaving like a child yourself right now, Yair. Even his voice was thin and whiny, and I didn’t know what to do, mainly I wanted to help the child because I finally realized that this situation was much more serious than I thought, the way I spoke his name, for the first time naturally

  “Yair,” with emphasis on the “ir,” who else pronounces my name like that, like a teacher; here, listen, I’m going to give him one last chance, can’t you hear, he doesn’t give a damn about me

  I heard silence, then steps, he is walking barefoot, I thought, his feet touching the floor, and I remembered Maya’s “surprisingly small feet,” and also “such a narrow base for two adults and a child to hold on to,” of course, and didn’t know what I was supposed to be hearing, and then high, and strained by shouting with perfect enunciation, his voice

  So if someone wants to come inside the house, he should knock on the door nicely and say he is sorry, and then we will forgive him and go to kindergarten immediately, because all his friends have already been there for a while now

  Another silence, and then he whispered into the phone receiver with a scared, secretive voice, it was ridiculous but also a little frightening

  You see, he’s not moving! He’s not answering me! You should see his face! He won’t even consider surrendering

  Then stop it, go easy on him, I yelled. I lost control and yelled

  I will not surrender to him, I will not surrender to such blackmail; if you surrender once, it lasts forever

  He sounded hysterical, and I felt drops of sweat start to prickle on my forehead, I’m here, and both of them are there and his wife is on her way to Safed and what can you

  Walking with the cordless from room to room and shouting at her and the walls, and I don’t have a clue why I called her, a minute before I dialed her number I wasn’t even considering it

  Yair, are you listening to me? Listen to me for a minute, calm down, think about what you’re doing to him

  It will only do him good, he will say he is sorry like a good boy and then he’ll come in and we’ll make up

  He’ll be sick

  Then he’ll be sick once, so what, it’s not that bad

  He’ll get sick and you will torment yourself over it

  Twenty times a year he gets sick from germs, so now he’ll be sick for a good reason, you don’t die from getting a cold these days

  You’re being cruel to him

  Will you please let me conduct this dispute the way I know bestr />
  And he hung up on me. I was left amazed and breathless, just like he always leaves me, and how could I let him suck me in this way, into him

  I called work to let them know I would be late, so they could postpone the meeting for me, and while I was talking, I peeked through the window and saw that he was shivering, at least I think he was shivering, his shoulders shrunk and he was hopping from leg to leg. I had no choice, I took off my undershirt as well, and my socks, because this may be a long fight, but it will be a fair one

  I sank into Amos’s armchair, completely exhausted. I tried to calm myself down a little, but all I could think was that perhaps he will now disappear and never return, because now I saw him, in his shame and his ignominy

  When I looked up again, the little idiot wasn’t by the door anymore, but was standing in the middle of the little path in front of the entrance, crouched over, gazing at some black beetle that had been flipped on its back

  I have to disconnect my thoughts from him right now. But the child, I thought; and suddenly became weak, swept into a strange fog of dizziness, my heart started pounding fiercely with a beat outside of the usual repertoire of reactions to him. I said it again and again, and then aloud for no reason … The child? The child?

  Just don’t look at him, it only weakens my resolve in this fight, she practically started shouting at me in the last moments

  I took deep breaths, I focused my thoughts: I mustn’t abandon the child to his rage. My breath again caught on the words—the child

  A moment after that, I returned to the window, and what do I see, what do I see? A tall old man, who looked suspicious and was wearing a long raincoat, standing by Ido

  I said it again and again, “The child,” and the word was different, it had a new taste in my mouth; the more I said it, the stronger I felt I was becoming, being recharged, and suddenly something struck me and I stopped breathing

  Maybe that old man has already had a chance to do something to him. I heard him asking Ido if he is “little Einhorn,” and Ido just stared at him, he was probably already a little cloudy-headed from the cold

  It’s impossible, how can it be, why now, I’m in such a different place in my life and

  The old man bent down over him and asked him if Father or Mother was home, and Ido kept staring

  I went to the calendar in the kitchen and counted the days. Nothing penetrated my mind. The words scattered away from me like beads from a torn necklace. I counted in my head again, and then counted on my fingers, and thought, Either way, I’m reaching the same conclusion. I sat down and started to shake

  The man asked him what he was doing outside, and Ido just stared at him, and I thought that the old man probably thinks he’s retarded

  I stood up to call Amos, and again fell back into the armchair. I sat there and went over my body, seeing if I felt anything, and there was nothing, other than a very decisive physical hint telling me I wasn’t wrong

  The old man sent his hand into his pocket, searching for something. I opened the door immediately and asked, forcefully, Yes, sir, is there a problem here?

  Be calm, I told myself. Immediately they came to me in an insane rush, all the signs my body has been sending me over the past week, the spiritual turmoil, the changes, the strange taste of coffee … but I haven’t had treatment for over ten months now, it is impossible that it could happen, just like that, after all those years of suffering and torture

  The old man was frightened of me, I looked wild and half naked and ready to fight, and he said with a smile, Oh, nothing, sir, I was only bringing you a letter from City Hall that was mistakenly delivered to our house

  It was then that I finally remembered Yair and the child, and knew I couldn’t lose my mind now, I would have to postpone everything until Yair let the child back into the house

  The old man handed me the letter, but instead of leaving, he started getting interested in the situation before him, saying emphatically, as if to Ido, that little children can catch pneumonia being outside like this

  I focused all my strength and thought about the poor child, the poor child, the poor child, being at the mercy of the heat of the sword revolving over him at that moment; I knew how miserable he must feel, and how miserable it made Yair

  I answered the old man, facing Ido as well, that as soon as the “little child” says he’s sorry, and says it nicely, he will be allowed back into the house, only after all the shit he’s been putting his parents through

  I remember how he read stories to him when he was going to bed, and with what tenderness he wrote about him, how I always felt that he knows how to be a father better than I know how to be a mother, if only because Ido is a healthy child, yes, because he can have more points of contact with his child’s soul

  Ido shrunk a little because of the unfamiliar words, the “shit he’s been putting his parents through,” as if I had slapped him

  Because I didn’t know how I would be able to help them, I took off my shoes as well. It was crazy, it was foolishness, but it somehow seemed logical at that moment; I also took off my sweater, and stayed in my thin blouse, everything that touched my body felt new, every touch filled me with rejoicing, and fear, as if I was peeling open a gift that still wasn’t completely mine

  The old man took half a step back and chuckled warily, with no understanding, and I skewered him with my eyes until he got the hell out of my yard

  The house was cold, but I didn’t turn on the heat. I thought I would probably get sick now. Ido and I will become ill, Ido and I, and Yair, too, we will all get sick with the same thing now

  I turned quickly, went back inside, slammed the door closed, and immediately leaped to the blinds

  But I have to be healthy now, healthy

  I saw Ido slowly opening his hand, and saw a red candy that the old maniac had somehow managed to slip into his palm

  Eventually, I dared say it aloud, for the first time in its fullness, that little thought, the whole fullness of those two marvelous, terrifying words

  Damn it, where is she, where is she

  I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I dialed his number, and saw how my fingers were shaking, and stopped; I understood why my ring has been cutting into my fingers so much over the past few days, and I was so relieved

  Why doesn’t she call now, when she’s needed

  He jumped on the phone right on the first ring and yelled “Yes!?” He really yelled. I told him it was me, and he was silent, as if he was trying to make his way through his mind to the memory of who I was at all. Me, too; for a moment I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted to tell him. I said my name again, and even that sounded new to me, and full, full of life. Yair absentmindedly said, “Oh yes, it’s you,” and immediately started to speak quickly, complainingly

  Would you just look at how he insists, he won’t break, you will understand that I was right before, this is a war, and you will see, I will bend his will this time, there won’t be any more—

  His voice had already mutated completely, it was thin and entangled in the insult of his song, the rage of it. I could feel his voice moving farther and farther away from me, drawn backward and tied to itself, all the way to its roots; but tell me, why do you need to bend him