Barefoot by the Sea bb-4

by Roxanne St Claire

  “Vows?” Tessa asked.

  “It is a wedding rehearsal,” Lacey answered. “I’ve tried to think of everything, but God knows, I’m not a wedding planner.” She produced two index cards with handwriting. “Ashley wrote them.”

  “Ashley?” Tessa practically choked.

  “I know, right?” Lacey grinned. “She had to do it for her psych class. They’re really nice thoughts. You’d think the girl understood a thing or two about love.”

  Or what she thought was love. So maybe Ashley’s vows were perfect—pretend vows for pretend love in a pretend marriage for all the wrong reasons.

  “C’mon, Tess,” John said. “We can practice while they iron all this out.”

  He closed his fingers around her hand, warm and secure, tugging her away from her friends. Was that because he wanted her to himself or away from the temptation to tell?

  “Watch your step,” he said as they reached a small reef of shells left from the last high tide. She was looking down to avoid any broken edges when she spied a brown-and-white spiral tip jutting up. Habit and hope made her bend down to check it out.

  The instant she touched the shell, she knew. “A junonia,” she whispered, an actual thrill shooting through her.

  “You found one?” John asked, coming closer. “Let me see.”

  She brushed the sand off the smooth shell with a little cry. “It’s perfect,” she exclaimed. “A perfect, unchipped junonia.” She ran her finger over the flawless spindled edge, finally tearing her eyes from the prize to look at him, holding it up proudly. “Behold, the mother of all shells.”

  Literally.

  “You found one,” he said, his whole face lit like hers must have been. “Congratulations.”

  “To both of you!” Mayor Lennox sidled up next to them. “I know there’s a lot to rehearse, but I’m afraid I’ve got a town council meeting in less than half an hour. Can we do our run-through right now?”

  “Of course,” John said, putting his arm on Tessa’s shoulder and leaning close. “You hold on to that shell for luck, okay?”

  But it wasn’t for luck. It was for dreams. Her dreams. The dream.

  The junonia wasn’t a symbol of her dreams coming true. It was…meaningless. Just like this marriage.

  “It’s only…a shell.” Holding the shell loosely, she walked with the two men to the very edge of the foamy Gulf water.

  There, Mayor Lennox held up his hand. “Okay, dearly beloved, blah blah blah. I’ll read some stuff, ask you a few questions, and then you’ll say those vows. John, you’ll go first.”

  “Okay.” He held up the card. “My dearest Tes—”

  “You don’t have to read them now,” she said.

  “But I want to.” He looked at the mayor. “Indulge me, will you?”

  Mayor Lennox angled his head as if it say “Whatever,” and John turned right to Tessa, taking one of her hands. Behind them, everyone quieted.

  John cleared his throat and Tessa looked down at their joined hands, her gaze locked on the shell that she’d once thought would be a sign she would have a baby.

  “My dearest Tessa,” he said again. “I stand before you a simple man with a simple need.”

  Not so simple, it seemed.

  “I need you.”

  “Awww.” That was Zoe, of course.

  “I need you,” he said again, softer this time, forcing her to look up.

  And there was the agony in his eyes one more time. The look of a man who knew pain so deep and indescribable that it had etched misery on his heart.

  All he wanted was his children. Yes, she was hurt and mad and embarrassed. Worse yet, she was still feeling things for him that would probably make her more hurt and mad and embarrassed when this all ended.

  As it would have to.

  “And I promise—”

  She held up her hand to his lips. “No.”

  “No?” His eyes flashed deep, dark, and afraid.

  All he wanted was his children. If she didn’t understand that, then who did? “No…you don’t have to do this now. Let’s save it, John.” She touched his face, vaguely aware of the shell in her palm. “Save it for the real wedding. The real one.”

  She felt the breath from his sigh of relief. “The real one,” he repeated. Reaching out, he pulled her into his arms and squeezed, his heart pounding so fast and furious she could feel it through his muscles. His heart that deserved to be healed.

  She wrapped her arms around him, heard the ooohs and ahhs of the crowd, and laid her head on his chest.

  “Thank you, Tessa,” he whispered into her ear.

  Behind him, she opened her hand and let the shell fall to the sand, knowing the next wave would wash it away.

  That was fine. Someone else would find it. Someone should have their dreams come true. It just wasn’t going to be her.

  Ian paced his little bungalow long after dark, something he couldn’t name gnawing at his gut and doing a damn good job of devouring him. Urges ravaged, and he tried—and failed—to walk them off.

  He wanted to march over to Tessa’s place and…no, she wouldn’t want that.

  So maybe he should jump on his bike and ride, but that would merely be running from his problems.

  And, of course, there was always the bottom of a bottle of booze. But he hadn’t had more than a glass or two of wine in weeks, and not even scotch held its usual appeal.

  He wandered into his kitchen, restless, one eye out the window, and caught the glimmer of a flashlight being carried through the garden. It was all he needed to see. He stepped out to his patio, checked Tessa’s very dark bungalow, then followed the light, staying a good distance behind.

  It only took a few minutes to confirm that he was following Tessa, who moved like a ghost through the garden in a long, sheer dress that might have been a nightgown or a swimsuit cover-up.

  Where was she going? To work in the garden? Not at two in the morning. To sit alone and cry? His chest squeezed at the thought of her shedding one more tear. Maybe to Lacey’s house for some girl talk? Some honest girl talk.

  He wiped that possibility out of his head. She’d given him her word that she wouldn’t tell anyone his story, and that was good enough for him. At the edge of the Rockrose property, she turned and headed toward the beach. He followed, part of him curious, another part wanting to protect her in the dark.

  But the biggest part wanted to be with her. The need ate at him, forcing him to slow his step and keep from running, calling, tackling, and kissing her until she couldn’t breathe.

  No such need seemed to consume Tessa, who walked slowly along the beach, staying away from the water, flashlight pointed down, bending over occasionally.

  She was shell hunting. Hadn’t she found her prize hours ago?

  When she stopped and crouched down for a minute, he nearly caught up with her. The beach was black and bleak, and he needed to call her name so he didn’t scare the life out of her. But he took the time to watch her shadow, his mind whirring with possibilities.

  He’d never told her about the epiphany he’d had in the Everglades. Because it seemed so wrong now to think she’d ever leave for him. After the way she’d discovered the truth, she probably wouldn’t believe him if he…

  Her shoulders shook with a sob. Bloody hell, she was crying. “Tessa!”

  She spun so fast she toppled right onto her backside with a soft gasp.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, slowing as he came closer.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  “I followed you,” he admitted. Good God, honesty felt great. That was what had ahold of him. Not only the need to be with her, but the chance to finally be honest about everything with her.

  “Why?”

  He didn’t answer right away, closing the space and slowly dropping down next to her. “I thought you found your special shell today.”

  “I threw it in the water.”

  He drew back. “Why?”

  “Because
I’m dumb. And now I’m trying to find it again, since the tide’s come and gone.”

  “Why did you throw it in the water, Tess?”

  “Because it…” She swiped her eyes and pushed her hair back, revealing her whole face in the ambient beam of the flashlight. “You want the truth?”

  He laughed softly. “Honey, from this moment on, the truth is all we want. Can we make that one promise? Nothing but the truth, on any subject, with no wavering. Deal?”

  She nodded. “I threw it away because it was a lie.”

  He frowned, shaking his head. “How can a shell be a lie?”

  “The dream it represented,” she said. “The fantasy, the possibility, the stupid game I’d played all these months telling myself if I found the right shell, then everything I’ve ever wanted would fall into my arms and I would be happy forever and ever, amen.” She gave a bitter laugh. “I was holding on to a lie.”

  “So, why are you out here looking for it now?”

  “’Cause I still want to find one, but now I want it for the right reasons.”

  “To get your picture in the paper?”

  She smiled. “You really do listen to me.”

  “Every word.” He reached his hand to hers, but she gave him a wary look, and then put the flashlight in his open palm. “What are the right reasons?”

  “Because…it’s rare. It’s special. It’s like…love.”

  “And that doesn’t represent your dreams anymore, Tess?” He could barely stand to ask the question, because if he’d stolen that hope from her, he’d never forgive himself.

  She pushed up and shook sand from the gauzy dress. “In case I’m wrong and it does represent dreams.”

  “So you still have hope.”

  “Eternally. Flash the light on that ridge, please.”

  He did, watching her for a moment, then saw the tide-driven crest of about a zillion shells. “How can you find anything in all those broken shells?”

  “Takes a keen eye,” she told him.

  They walked for a while in silence, stopping now and again when she saw something that caught her eye. Finally, he asked, “Why were you crying?”

  “Frustration. Confusion. Longing.”

  He knew them all so well. “About this situation?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.

  She paused from her searching, clearly struggling with an answer. “Not exactly.”

  No? “Hey.” He tipped her chin and forced her face toward his. “We made a deal about the truth.”

  “Speak in your regular accent,” she answered softly.

  The request threw him. “Excuse me?”

  “In English.”

  “You mean British.”

  “Whatever. I want to hear it.”

  “I’m so trained not to, I don’t think I can.”

  She wasn’t buying it, narrowing her eyes at him. “You didn’t have any problem when you were talking to Henry.”

  “Okay.” He glanced around as if someone might be lurking in the shadows or surf. “What do you want me to say?” He still didn’t break into British.

  “My name.”

  He nodded. “Tessa Galloway.”

  “Sounds almost the same.” She seemed disappointed.

  He took a slow breath. “Don’t be sad, pretty Tessa.” He infused the words with the clipped sound of his native accent, reaching to slide his hand around her neck and into her hair. “I will never, ever lie to you again.”

  “Nevah, evah?” she repeated with a slow smile.

  “Nevah.” He exaggerated the sound, then his own smile faltered as he looked at her. “Oh, Tess.” He closed his eyes and pulled her closer. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  She relaxed a little, letting their bodies touch in a move that felt orchestrated by mother nature. Like they belonged together. “I know you are.”

  “Do you?” he asked. “Do you know how very sorry I am? How much I care about you? God, I didn’t even know how much I cared about you.”

  “Mmm.” She wrapped an arm around his waist and laid her head against his shoulder. “I like that.”

  “How much I care about you?”

  “No, that sexy accent.”

  He chuckled into her hair. “Then I’ll whisper it in your ear all night.” Tipping her face up, he kissed her forehead, her nose, then brushed her lips. “Do you forgive me, Tessa?”

  “God, no. But you can keep talking like that and you have a chance.”

  Warmed by the humor, he clicked off the flashlight and let the dark descend over them. “Let’s walk in the water,” he said, guiding her to the surf. “Unless you don’t want your dress to get wet.”

  “I don’t care. It’s made for the beach.”

  Like her, he was barefoot, and he doubted they’d go in deep enough to get his cargo shorts wet. Arm in arm, they walked toward the swells and foam of low tide, the sand cool between Ian’s toes, the first knots of his restlessness starting to untangle in his gut.

  “I talked to Henry,” he finally said.

  “And?”

  “He’s pissed but not much he can do. I assured him you were trustworthy and he seemed satisfied enough when I told him…” He hesitated as they reached the water, letting the first splash of cold chill his nerves about how to phrase the rest of his sentence. “You’d agreed to sign the paperwork.”

  She didn’t answer immediately, using one hand to lift her dress from the next wave. “Sounds so romantic when you put it that way.”

  “I guess because it’s not romantic.” But it could be. If only…

  “I know, you’re right. I’m still not sure how I’m going to handle things.”

  “Things.” He dragged the word out. “We’re not lying anymore, Tessa, so—”

  “I never lied,” she shot back, almost slipping out of his arm, but he held on too tight. “And I’m not lying or using euphemisms now.” She stopped fighting his hold and pressed against his side again. “There are a lot of things to consider. Like…” She swallowed and looked up at him. “What happens when you leave?”

  Nothing. Everything. The end. “I can’t contact you after that. We’ll have to work out something to tell people.”

  She considered that. “If you mean my friends and all the people who work here, there’s nothing to tell. They think I’m doing a pretend ceremony for the benefit of the wedding planners. Mayor Lennox doesn’t know that; we’ll get a real marriage license to sign and then you’ll take it…” She blew out a breath and shook her head. “Where will you be?”

  “I don’t know. And you can’t either…” Unless you come with me. He tamped down the plea. “It might be embarrassing with your friends, Tessa, if I disappear.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell them the truth.”

  He slowed his step and turned her to face him. “I’m not. I’m worried about how you’ll feel.”

  “How I’ll feel?” She looked up at him, the cloud-covered moonlight casting a soft blue glow on her face. “I’ll feel like a woman who did the right thing. I’ll feel like a hero, a volunteer, a savior of one little family.”

  His heart swelled. “And I’ll never forget that.”

  She put her fingers on his lips to quiet him. “I’ll also feel…” Her throat hitched and caught. “Like I had that damn shell in the palm of my hand and threw it away.”

  “Oh, Tess.” He yanked her into him, hope swamping him. “You don’t have to throw it away.”

  She inched back, a moment’s hesitation and even a glimmer of light in her eyes. Then it disappeared and she shook her head quickly. “I can’t, John. I can’t.”

  Of course she couldn’t, and he had no bloody right to ask. “It’s a hard life,” he agreed. “Lonely and scary and not normal in the least.”

  Misty-eyed, she nodded.

  He stroked her hair, cupping her cheek. “You have no idea how much I would like to offer you something else.”

  “There isn’t anything else, is there?”

&
nbsp; “I’m afraid not.”

  She closed her eyes, but it didn’t hide the hurt.

  “You don’t want to live that way,” Ian said, mustering a truth he didn’t want to say. Then he couldn’t stop himself from adding, “Do you?”

  For a long, long moment, she stood still and silent. In that time, the gnawing and angst in his gut dissolved completely, transforming into—hope.

  Then she dropped her head against him. “How can I?”

  Easily. Happily. In his arms and in his life forever. “You can’t,” he said. “I could never ask you to.” Except that in his heart, he had asked a hundred times. And every time, the answer was the same.

  She looked up at him. “We have a little time left.”

  “A week or two. How do you want to spend it?”

  She smiled slowly. “Naked.”

  “That can be arranged.”

  “With you speaking in an accent.”

  “Quite feasible,” he said with a pronounced British clip.

  “And when we’re alone and you’re…inside me?”

  He waited, not breathing, knowing what she wanted. With each passing second, he was more certain. She wanted a baby. And, good Lord, he would give her that.

  “Tessa,” he finally said. “I can’t stand to have another child in the world that I don’t know. But if you really—”

  She silenced him again with her hand. “I don’t want a baby, Ian.”

  “Now, I know that’s a lie.”

  “I don’t. That’s what I realized with the shell. I thought a baby would solve everything, but that’s not what I want at all.”

  “Then what do you want?” he asked.

  She smiled and let out the softest sigh. “The same thing you do…a family.”

  His jaw loosened. “Then—”

  Shaking her head, she put her fingers over his lips. “I can’t do that. I can’t live a lie or in secret. But I do want one other thing from you.”

  “Anything.”

  “When we’re alone, in bed, in…each other, I need to call you by your real name.”

  He exhaled softly, unable even to think of the stupid amount of happiness that gave him. Instead, he kissed her pretty mouth and fell a little deeper in love with a woman he could have, but never keep.