Froggy Style

by J. A. Kazimer

  We would have our happily-ever-after, after all.

  “Lollipop—”

  Lollie’s eyes grew wide and then fluttered closed as she dropped into my arms. Pretty stood behind her, Lollie’s tattoo gun with its very large bloody needle in her manicured hand.

  Chapter 58

  “No!” I screamed as Lollie fell into my arms with a soft snore. Karl appeared behind Pretty, knocked the gun from her hand, and then grabbed her around the waist.

  “Oh, what happened?” Pretty tittered with sick glee as she struggled to free herself from my servant’s grip. “Did your princess fall asleep?”

  Rage, so dark and violent I feared for Pretty’s safety, let alone my own sanity, filled me. If I wasn’t so worried about the princess in my arms, I would’ve choked the life out of the one standing in front of me. “What did you do?” I growled.

  Pretty’s face twisted into a mask of jealousy. “I did you a favor, Jean-Michel. She would make a terrible queen. I mean, look at her.” She motioned at the pale face of my beloved.

  I took a step forward. “She’s your sister, for frog sakes.”

  “Half sister,” she corrected. “And not a good one either. You should’ve married me. Not Beauty.” She stomped her slipper clad foot. “Me!”

  Through gritted teeth, I exhaled a harsh breath. “Her name is Lollie.” I don’t know why, but insisting on Pretty using Lollie’s name seemed vital to me. As if the curse, Beauty’s curse, couldn’t touch the woman I loved, the woman asleep in my arms.

  “Whatever name you use,” she said, “it doesn’t matter. She’s not your true love, and you’re not hers. You can’t save her. The curse says so. Only her true love can awaken Sleeping Beauty.”

  Pretty’s words sliced through me as if she slashed my flesh. What if she was right? What if I wasn’t the One for Lollie, the one who could wake her from her eternal slumber? My hands began to shake, and for the first time in my life, I knew how Karl felt on a daily basis. Much like a hooker, inferiority sucked.

  Lollie moaned in my arms. Locked in some kind of inescapable nightmare, her eyes fluttered, but stayed closed. I glared at Pretty and then turned to Karl. “Get her out of my sight before I—”

  “Yes, sir.” Karl bowed before he dragged Pretty away. Her damning words echoed in my brain: “You can’t save her.”

  In Beauty’s darkened bedroom, I sat, staring at the rise and fall of Lollie’s chest. Deep even breaths. A soft snore. And then silence. I’d watched Lollie sleep, the horror of her curse growing with each passing minute, as did the fear that I wasn’t her One.

  “Just kiss her, sir,” Karl said from behind me. “Then you will know the truth. You are her true love. Everyone can see that. Just take a chance.”

  “And if I’m not?” I asked, my voice raw. “What then, Karl?”

  “You are, sir. I know it.” He cleared his throat. “Please, you’re running out of time.”

  Turning into a frog seemed like the least of my worries at the moment. My full concern centered on the woman asleep on the bed in front of me. Yes, she had lied to me, multiple times, in fact. Lied about her true identity. Lied about Spindle. About the kidnapping. But she’d also saved my life. And not just that day she’d broken my curse either.

  What if I wasn’t able to return the favor?

  Someone cleared their throat behind me. I glanced up to locate the source and then glanced lower. Red, the redheaded midget, stood in the doorway, her eyes filled with tears. The first emotion other than affected hipster annoyance I’d seen cross her face.

  “Pretty?” Red nodded to the sleeping Lollie.

  Karl spoke up. “Princess Beauty is more than pretty, she’s quite beautiful, and I’ll tussle with anyone who says otherwise.”

  Red rolled her eyes.

  A tiny smile flickered on my lips, but I quickly sobered. My eyes locked on Red’s face, and I slowly nodded. “In the garden. Why, Red? Why did Lollie keep her identity a secret from me?” I thought of the hours of lost time we could’ve had together, had I but known.

  Red licked her lips, taking a step closer to Lollie’s sleeping form. “All Lollie’s life she had to live by someone else’s rules.”

  I pictured the precocious four-year-old from the pond and smiled. She sure as hell hadn’t followed any rules that day. I had the teeth marks in my skull to prove it.

  “Lollie tried to live up to the king’s standards for most of her life.” Red’s face grew hard. “But she could never please him, so eventually she quit trying.”

  “And Lollie Bliss was born?” My mind flashed to Lollie’s tattoo-covered body. Press-on tattoos. Fake, I reflected. Just like her name. Was everything about her, about us, a lie? I shook off the thought, focusing on Red’s next words.

  “Lollie Bliss was born long before Beauty was.” Her lips curved into a grin. “You see, the king decided to change his stepdaughter’s name to Beauty on her fourth birthday. The day she met you.” The smile on her face slipped a notch. “The king thought it would increase her value.”

  A wrinkle formed on my forehead. “Value?”

  “On the marriage market.” Red gave a bitter laugh. “Subliminal advertising. What better way to snag a rich prince for a son-in-law?”

  I grinned, motioning to the small recorder I’d found tucked inside her nightstand. A recorder filled with the sweet sound of loud, annoying snores. “But Lollie found a way to thwart him and it.”

  “Exactly.” Red brushed her hand over Lollie’s arm. “Everyone knew of the curse, of course. Lollie took advantage of that fact. She developed a,” Red curled her fingers into air quotes, “disorder of the sleepy and annoying kind. And it worked. The king would find a suitable prince via Jimmy Cockroach, the oblivious prince would meet Beauty, and by the next day, he’d be halfway to New Never City, glad to be far away from Beauty.” She hesitated, looking thoughtful. “Or so we assumed, until someone tried to shoot you in the head. It was then that Lollie realized her former fiancés weren’t happy at all, but dead.”

  I pictured the tiny grave markers in the garden and frowned. Jimmy Cockroach was one sick insect. I shook off my near-death experience and focused on Red’s tale.

  “Lollie’s plan to live two separate lives worked great until the day she met you.” Red grunted. “You made her crazy with your threats to marry Beauty, no matter what. She pulled out all the stops, was whiny and annoying as possible, but nothing seemed to work.” Humor flashed in her gaze. “Then something changed.”

  “I told her about my curse.” A lump formed in my throat. “That’s why she agreed to marry me. She felt sorry for me.”

  “You really are stupid, aren’t you?” she continued before I could comment. “Must be all that royal blood.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Lollie fell in love with you. That’s why she dumped you. Saving you was all that mattered to her.” Red blew out a harsh breath. “And look what that got her.”

  With those parting words, Red left the bedroom. I sat, staring at Lollie’s beautiful face. For the first time, a spark of hope blossomed in my chest. Maybe I was her One? Maybe we could live happily ever after.

  Lollie’s eyelids fluttered as a world of dreams filled her mind. I glanced up at Karl. He mumbled something I couldn’t catch over the thundering of blood in my ears. This was it. The moment of truth.

  Squeezing my eyelids shut, I mouthed, “I am the One.”

  Then I crushed my lips to her cold ones.

  Chapter 59

  Not a damn thing happened. Lollie’s lips, frosty to the touch, remained unmoved by the warmth of my embrace. I kissed her harder, adding a little tongue for good measure. One had to try, right?

  Still nothing.

  I wasn’t her One.

  A tear rolled from the corner of my eye, down my face, and hung on the edge of my chin for a second before it splashed against her cheek. Shrinking into myself, I held the only woman I would ever love in my arms, squeezing her against me as if willing her
to awaken and end the aching sorrow filling me.

  For a minute, no one moved. Shock registered on Karl’s face. There would be no storybook ending. No happily ever after.

  Lollie would stay asleep, forever.

  Unless . . .

  An idea formed in my head. I straightened, laid Lollie back down against the pillow, and motioned for my manservant. “Karl, come here. Quick.”

  “Yes, sir,” he said, hovering inches from my head.

  I grabbed his hand and yanked him down on the bed next to me. “Kiss her!”

  His eyes went wide. “What?”

  “Kiss Lollie.” I shoved his wet, pudgy lips toward her face. “Do it. Now.”

  “But, sir. I don’t think . . .”

  Grabbing the back of his neck, I forced his face to Lollie’s. “It’s the only way,” I whispered. “I can’t let this be the end. She deserves a life. Even if it’s not with me.” I swallowed, a tide of fear lacing my every word. “Please, Karl. I have to find her One. The only thing that matters is her happiness.”

  He nodded once and then pressed his pudgy lips to hers. Again, nothing happened. Lollie remained fast asleep. Karl’s face fell and tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, sir. I—” He let out a choked cry.

  I patted his shoulder, my gaze on Lollie’s beautiful face. “You did your best.” Wincing, I wiped away a string of Karl’s drool from Lollie’s lips.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  Taking a steadying breath, I turned to the growing crowd outside her bedroom doorway. Wedding guests and servants dressed in their finest attire eavesdropped outside the door. My father stood toward the back, his rented tuxedo standing out against the other trappings of wealth. He caught my eye and nodded. I nodded back. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes he’d made. Not with Lollie. She deserved better. Better than this stupid curse. And better than me. I would gladly give up everything to see her smile once more.

  “Ladies and gentlemen.” I cleared my throat. “If I might have your attention for a moment.”

  The crowd quieted.

  “I need all the men to form a single-file line.” I wagged my finger at Handsome. “No cutting.”

  Marvin the butler frowned. “But why, sir? This hardly seems like the time for games. Not when our poor princess is lying there in eternal slumber.”

  “No games, but there is a prize.” My gaze locked on each and every person in the room. A few of the ladies fainted under my gaze while the men shifted from foot to foot. “For the man who awakens my lady love . . . he will get everything. All my money, cars, palaces. My title. Everything.”

  The grandfather clock in the downstairs hallway bonged once. My eyes lifted to the bedside clock.

  Midnight.

  My time was running out.

  I fingered the black diamond and gold ring in my pocket, a ring made from a small golden ball I’d carried around for years, the same ball that had sent my wet-dog-smelling lady love to me so many years before.

  Lifting the ring from my trousers, I set it in Lollie’s cold hands. The warm glow reflected off her blue-tinted skin as if warming it. In that moment, I knew that I’d made the right decision.

  For both of us.

  The clock bonged again.

  “Everything,” I repeated with absolute confidence.

  Once more, the clock gonged.

  I swallowed, hard. “RJ?” I called out to my oldest friend, tattooing aside. After all, if it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never met the real Lollie Bliss.

  My oldest friend stepped forward, his face dark with concern. “I’m here, Jean-Michel.”

  “You’re up.” Motioning to Lollie, I added, “Kiss her. No tongue.”

  RJ laughed without humor. “No thanks.”

  “What?”

  “One bride is one too many for me, my friend. You’ll have to find someone else to kiss your girlfriend.” His face twisted into a sad smile. “But if you ask me, you’re going about this all wrong. Trust me. I made the same mistake once.”

  How dare he question my plan? What did a villain know about curses anyway! “Forget it,” I said to him. “Karl, after I . . . you know . . . you start the . . . kissing.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “And, Karl,” I said. “When she wakes up . . . I wouldn’t mention any,” I waved around the room to the line of eager males already out the doorway and down the corridor, “of this. Not if you want to live.” I rose from the bed and crossed the room, my head high. Inside me the transformation had already begun. I would never again be the man Lollie had loved.

  The clock bonged for the twelfth and final time.

  I sat bowlegged next to the pond, listening to the water gently lap against the rocks. My eyes stayed locked on the window above me, waiting for some sign that Lollie’s One had arrived. At the castle gates, hundreds of princes, commoners, and even a king or two stood in line waiting for their chance to kiss the woman I loved.

  Jealousy choked me enough that I let out a sound much like a ribbit. But then envy passed, and a feeling of despair settled around me once again. I rubbed at the B-shaped birthmark over my heart, trying to ease the ache.

  Bliss would never be mine.

  Chapter 60

  Dawn streaked the sky, spraying orange and pink ribbons along the horizon. Sunlight glinted off the sleeping princess’s window. Suddenly, the room exploded in a golden glow, so intense it blinded anyone within a hundred feet.

  A forlorn frog at the edge of the pond croaked and then dove beneath the plane of the water, barely making a ripple in the greenish pond. A single bubble floated to the surface and then popped.

  A minute later, a high feminine scream rang out, “Ow, my lady. Why’d you hit me?” Footsteps soon followed. The door leading from the palace to the garden burst open, and out tumbled a very angry woman, her blond hair sticking up at impossibly geometric angles, her purple irises glowing.

  “No. no. no,” she muttered like a madwoman as she rushed through the garden, pausing only long enough to let out a sneeze before returning to her mission.

  A few seconds after she opened the garden door, she arrived at her destination, the lily-pad-infested pond. A pudgy manservant, his bald head gleaming much like the black diamond and golden ring in the lady’s hand, ran up behind her. “Princess, please. I assure you, the Frog Prince, he only wanted your happiness.”

  “Really?” The princess sneered. “My happiness? In the form of mononucleosis? Or how about a nice festering cold sore?” She shuddered prettily. “Did you see some of those degenerates?”

  Karl winced. “We were scraping the bottom of the barrel with the last hundred or so.” He lowered his voice. “I’m not even sure the last one was of age.”

  “I can’t believe Kermit’s stupid enough to think a slobbery kiss from some idiot would solve everything. When has that ever worked?”

  Karl winced, his eyes darting to the slimy green pond.

  “Oh, right.” The princess blushed before plunging her hand into the pond water. She dug around, finally emerging with a large green frog.

  “Ah, my lady . . .”

  “Quiet,” she ordered as she puckered her lips. “Here goes nothing,” she muttered. The frog squirmed in her fingers, his froggy eyes wide. The smacking kiss echoed around the quiet garden. Lollie dropped the frog and waited.

  And waited.

  “Damn it!” she yelled before once again stabbing her hand into the murky water.

  “My lady, please.” Karl’s face turned as green as the second amphibian Lollie yanked to the surface.

  Lollie glared the servant into silence. “None of this would’ve happened if Kermit trusted me in the first place. We’d be married and living happily ever after. But no, he had to go all princely on me at the last minute. Who does that?” She closed her eyes and puckered her lips. The amphibian in her palm grinned as if he’d hit the fly lottery.

  “Madam, are you cheating on me already?” I called from the other side of the pond. “Wi
th a toad? I thought you had better taste.”

  Her eyelids flew open, and she stared at me, the human me, for a long minute, her gaze dissecting every inch of my body. “Apparently not.” Dropping the poor disappointed toad back into the water, she slowly rose. “I thought . . .”

  “I didn’t.”

  “But how?”

  A smile curved across my lips. “No curse.”

  “What?” Her hands fisted at her sides. “You jerk! You lied to me about your curse? To what? Trick me into marrying you?”

  I straightened away from the stone pillar. “Since no actual wedding took place, your complaint is moot.” I took a step toward her, unsure if I wanted to shake or kiss her. “And speaking of lying, I wasn’t the one who created an entire fake persona to keep would-be suitors at bay. Mind you, I’m happy you did.”

  She winced.

  “But, Lollipop, I didn’t lie to you about the curse, or anything else. Not once.” Which in itself was a lie, but it felt good to turn the tables. After all, she’d played me since the moment we’d met, twenty-two years ago.

  A small smile curled on her lips. “If you weren’t lying, why aren’t you much smaller and green?”

  “The blame belongs to you, my sweet.” I stopped, staring into Lollie’s beautiful face. “You broke my curse. Again.”

  A wrinkle formed on Lollie’s forehead. “I don’t understand. To end your curse, you had to marry Beauty, the same girl who kissed you at the pond. Not me, Lollie. The king had changed my name by then. So . . .”

  “You tried to force me to marry the fake you. Beauty.”

  “It was the only way to save you,” she said, her lips drawn tight.

  “True.”

  “Then, and follow my logic here, since we didn’t actually marry, you should be much greener and let’s not forget, shorter. So,” she motioned between us, at the pond, “what happened? Was it all some kind of mistake?”