by Pentabu
Oh, right! I remember!
Moe Moe Chandon?
What kind of name is that?
They might be able to sell a few bottles by riding that fad, but I certainly don’t want to drink it.
ME: Nice try, but not quite. You’re thinking of Moët & Chandon.
Y-KO: Oh, who cares? It’s only one letter. Don’t be so fussy, Sebas!!
I think I just got scolded!
And she called me Sebas again!
ME: … Um, I’m sorry.
Would you stop calling me Sebas?
Y-KO: Huh? Why?
Great.
The vaunted “why?” defense.
ME: Well, because my name is—
Y-KO: Oh, sorry. Did you want to be Shota?
I wasn’t done with the sentence!
And why are those my only two choices?!
Plus, Shota isn’t even a name!!
Y-KO: Yeah, of course…
You’re more the uke type.
…!!
Um… I’m sorry…
Is that how you’ve seen me all this time?
Host club.
2005/12/10 00:01
One of Y-ko’s favorite manga series,
Ouran High School Host Club,
is being turned into an animated series.
You can probably guess what it’s about based on the title…
But it’s actually rather interesting. How should I describe it?
It’s like a reverse-harem story.
If you haven’t read it before, I highly recommend that you try it out.
So.
This manga is about the host club of an ultra-rich, elite academy.
Y-ko and I were having a discussion about how the eating utensils in the story must be extremely fancy and expensive.
ME: Wasn’t there an expensive cup in Densha Otoko that helped the guy and girl meet, too?
Y-KO: Yeah, the Hermès cup? I wish I could use one of them.
ME: Of course, there’s no point to having an expensive cup if you’re drinking the same old cheap tea.
Y-KO: Come on, don’t be so boring.
I bet the illusion of elegance would make the tea taste a whole lot better.
ME: I’m not so sure.
Y-KO: Well, it would. Like that one brand with the really fancy porcelain.
ME: You mean Hermès?
Y-KO: No, it’s like… B… B… B…
… B?
What brand starts with a B?
Y-KO: Come on! It’s a foreign word, starts with a B… B…
Foreign word… Maybe she’s thinking of…
Y-KO: Oh! I remember! It’s Buruse—
ME: You mean Meissen?
What were you about to say? Burusera?
I would never drink from that cup.
Y-KO: Oh yeah. Meissen, Meissen. I was so close.
ME: You weren’t close at all! The part you got right was “se”!!
Y-KO: Oh, you always freak out about the tiniest things. You’re a small man, know that?
This is your major problem, Sebas…
And she sighed with a look on her face like Oh, brother.
Um, excuse me?
They’re not tiny things, and my name is not Sebas.
Y-KO: Besides, I’m not any good at remembering foreign words.
Are you kidding me?!
They’re still written in your native language!!
It’s such a short word!!
And what it Buruse supposed to be, anyway?!
ME: Please get a grip on yourself. Do you seriously think you can get by in this world by acting like this?!
Y-KO: Yes, I can!! In my world, as long as I have
me, BL, and other stuff,
I’ve got everything I need!!
That is not an excuse!!
What kind of a list is that, anyway?!
And rolling up “other stuff” all in one item is a pretty convenient cop-out, lady!!
……
… Wait…
Huh? Sorry…
ME: Y-ko…
Y-KO: Hmm? What is it, Sebas?
Don’t call me Sebas.
ME: Er, well… You just said you would be happy with “you, BL, and other stuff,” correct?
Y-KO: …? Yeah, that’s what I said.
Ah.
Meaning…
ME: I’m included in “other stuff”?
That kind of makes me want to cry, y’know.
What boyfriend wouldn’t be a bit depressed at being labeled “other stuff”?
At these words, she turned and smiled sweetly at me.
Y-KO: Okay, uh… meaning…
you would rather be included in “BL”?
… Ah.
………
… Um…
I’m sorry. I’m perfectly happy to be included in “other stuff,” thank you.
Otome Road~Episode II~
2005/12/13 00:12
Ikebukuro.
As a citizen of more rural lands, this single word conjures many images into my head.
Images of fashion and coolness.
A neighborhood full of young people.
Perhaps it’s only just a giant business park.
Then there was that guy on Ainori who called himself “the wolf of ’Bukuro.”
And something about a king in the West Gate Park.
I never actually watched that drama, though.
But,
on the other hand…
I never knew there was actually a real Otome Road.
I’m sitting in a family restaurant on the way home from Otome Road now.
I was forced to carry Y-ko’s numerous purchases
—and it was a pain.
More to the point—
the cart was unbelievably heavy.
I can only assume the bags are full of BL books and magazines.
How much did she sink into this trip?
I hope she doesn’t leave them all at my place.
These things floated through my head as I carried the cart up the stairs.
The restaurant is mostly empty.
Hang in there, manager.
Don’t let the recession get you down.
We were guided to the nonsmoking section by the waiter and finally got off our feet.
ME: So, was it fun? Was Otome Road worth it?
Y-KO: Yep. It was great. It was a real battlefield in there… Oh, you want to see?
See? See what?!
Y-KO: Look, my spoils of war! And here they are!
Y-ko proudly began to show off bits and pieces of the stuff she had in the absolutely packed cart.
What’s with all the titillating, suggestive, can-you-see-it-or-not art?
… No, no! You don’t need to show me. I’m perfectly fine!
I really don’t want to be looking at these gaudy illustrations in a diner,
and especially not before I eat!!
Plus, you bought wayyyy too much, lady.
ME: Look at all of this! No wonder it seemed heavy; you bought a metric ton of the stuff!!
Y-KO: I sure did. It was really hard!
ME: … Hard?
Y-KO: Yep. Like, you know how these books are hard to check out because they’re always kept in plastic bags?
ME: Is that right?
Y-KO: It is. I mean, when they do that with the newest books from Shnen Jump, it’s not a big deal, because you’ve been reading the stories week to week in the magazine, and you know what they’re like.
So, Y-ko-san, you’re saying that you read Jump every week and also buy the volumes?
I mean, that’s cool and all. I think Death Note is pretty good, too.
Y-KO: So it means you have to judge the whole thing based on the cover.
Ah, yes, I understand.
That’s how I feel when I buy porno magazines.
Of course, what she’s buying are essentially porno mags, too.
Y-KO: So what you really need in this case is th
e ability to judge a book by its cover.
ME: I see.
Y-KO: What do you call that? You know what I mean. The skill of an artisan.
ME: Uh, what makes you an artisan?
Y-KO: You have to make sure they can’t fool you by putting all their effort into the cover!!
H-hey! Don’t shout!
Hold it in… Don’t let it out!!
Y-KO: Gaze upon the truth with unclouded eye and make your decision!!
With unclouded eye? Uh…
Didn’t the guy from the movie Princess Mononoke say something like that? (← trying to escape my immediate reality)
Y-KO: Some call this skill the mind’s eye.
I’m not going to respond.
I’m going to ignore her and drink my water.
Y-KO: It’s like, um, how did that go…
Thiiink… don’t feeeel…
Right?
ME: … Bfft! (I snorted my water)
Y-KO: Ewww, gross! Don’t blow your water on me!!
ME: … Sorry.
But it should be against the rules to make Bruce Lee facial impressions.
ME: I think you actually have that backward.
It’s supposed to be “Don’t think, feel,” not “Think, don’t feel.”
Y-KO: ………… Oh, dang! I was so close!!
No, you weren’t! You were completely 180 degrees wrong!!
This is not doing Bruce Lee any kind of justice!!
ME: Okay, I can see that you are indeed a professional in the ways of judging BL publications.
Y-KO: Huh? What are you talking about?
… Pardon?
Y-KO: Of course I don’t have any skills that fancy. I mean, the number of times you get burned in this hobby is incredible in the first place.
…… Errr…
ME: What in the world were you just expounding on, then?
Y-KO: Oh, that?
Just a kind of ideal fujoshi state of mind that I wish I could pull off.
What the hell do you mean by that?
… Hmm?
… Which would mean…
ME: I’m sorry, what criteria were you using to buy them, then?
Y-KO: Huh? What do you mean?
ME: Well, you weren’t judging them by the cover, right?
How do you decide which ones to buy, then?
Y-KO: Oh, that’s easy.
The lottery ticket method. Buy as many as you can, and you’re bound to strike gold once in a while.
… Unbelievable.
Dream collaboration.
2005/12/14 21:51
My girlfriend has the flu. Her fever is 100 degrees.
I figured it would be better for her to get some rest, so I forced her to stay in bed.
Y-KO: Ugh… I feel terrible…
ME: Are you okay?
Y-KO: Yeah… but I can’t let this stop me. The djinshi are waiting for me…
A little cold like this isn’t gonna keep me down…
Ah, yes, that’s right. She bought all of those things, but she hasn’t finished reading them, has she?
But no, this is a day for exhibiting restraint.
ME: Please, just stay in bed and relax.
Don’t worry. The djinshi aren’t going anywhere…
Y-KO: … Really?
ME: Yes, really.
… What are we talking about?
Y-KO: They won’t get stolen?
ME: … By whom?
Y-KO: By you.
ME: I wouldn’t steal those even if someone paid me to!!
No, really, what in the world are we talking about?
Y-KO: Urrgh… But I want to read themmmm…
ME: Look, there’s no use growling with hatred about it.
Y-KO: … Baby?
ME: Yes?
Maybe it was the fever, but the way she spoke softly with those tears in her eyes, it was almost kind of sexy…
Definitely different from her usual demeanor.
Y-KO: Read the rest out loud for me.
—Never mind, she’s even worse than usual!!
ME: Pardon?!
Y-KO: Put all your emotion into it and play both roles.
…
……
………
ME: I am not doing that.
Are you crazy?
Y-ko pouted.
Adding a little cherry on top is not going to help me swallow this poison!!
ME: Besides, you know I can’t make those anime voices!!
Y-KO: Well, yeah, but…
ME: Isn’t the voice actor for this character a woman?
At least ask one of your other fujoshi friends if you need a reader.
My voice is low.
I can’t pull this off.
It’s completely against all of my principles.
You’re trying to take me to a place I never want to go.
I must refuse with all of my strength.
Y-KO: Hmm… You’ve got a point… Your voice is contrabass.
ME: … Huh? Contra-what…?
…
……
… Contrabass…
… Does she mean bass…?
ME: … I’m sorry, the contrabass is an instrument.
If you’re talking about a vocal range, I think you’re referring to just bass.
Y-KO: … Oh yeah! That’s what I meant! Bass.
ME: Plus, my voice isn’t that deep…
Y-KO: I really like the ring that bass has to it.
ME: … You’re ignoring me.
Y-KO: It almost seems like bass and Sebas should be brothers.
ME: No, it doesn’t seem that way at all…
Y-KO: … Cousins, then?
ME: No, not cousins! Where do you get this stuff?!
Y-KO: Like… Bass the elder brother and Sebas the younger. Forbidden incestual love?
ME: Okay, okay… Let’s lie back down and get some much-needed rest…
Y-KO: Ew! You’re cheeky for being a Sebas. You’re supposed to be the younger one.
Since when was I a younger brother? I’m the eldest son.
ME: Didn’t I tell you to stop saying “Sebas”?
Y-KO: But your voice is either a Bass or a Sebas… It’s like a bargain!!
… Aaah! I know, I know!
Does that make you…
… a Contrasebas?!
ME: … Just go to sleep.
Christmas.
2005/12/16 19:54
Less than ten days remaining until Christmas.
This will be the second Christmas we’ve shared as a couple.
We will be exchanging presents, of course.
Our style is to ask the other person what they would like beforehand.
After all, if I let Y-ko pick out anything she wants, who knows what I might get?
… But I’m only kidding… not. It’s a fairly serious concern of mine, plus it always feels great to receive something that you really, really wanted.
So I decided to ask Y-ko what she would like for a present.
ME: Hey, what kind of Christmas present would you like?
Y-KO: Hmm? Anything I want?
ME: I’ve got a budget set aside for it.
Y-KO: Okay, then. You know what it is.
ME: … I do?
Y-KO: Yeah, you do…
Tansu Ni Gon.
ME: … Tansu Ni Gon?
Y-KO: Yes, Tansu Ni Gon.
ME: ……… I’m not sure that I’m following your meaning.
Is there some new brand of handbag that uses that name?
Y-KO: When a fujoshi wants Tansu Ni Gon for Christmas… what does that mean?!
Don’t answer a question with another question!!
ME: Um…
Y-KO: 10… 9… 8…
I only get ten seconds to answer?
Y-KO: 7… 6… 5… bzz!! Time’s up!!
… Five?! You’re only giving me five seconds? Why not start the countdown from five, then?
Y-KO: Bwa-
ha-ha… So naive, we are!
ME: Haah…
Y-KO: So, curious about the answer?! Curious?!
ME: Not really…
Y-KO: ………
Okay, I’m sorry. Don’t stare at me with those sorrowful eyes.
ME: … But I’m finding my interest growing by the second!!
Y-KO: I know, right?! Heh-heh-heh-heh! I’ve been thinking about this one for days!
What a worthwhile use of your time…
ME: … So, when a fujoshi wants Tansu Ni Gon for Christmas, what does that mean?
Y-KO: It means “to not get any more rotten.”
… Huh?
… Huh?
……… What does that even have to do with Christmas?
Y-KO: You’re looking like you understand. I’m very pleased, young man.
No, I’m not looking like that.
ME: Er, may I have an explanation?
Y-KO: Okay. Well, you know how fujoshi means “rotten girl”?
ME: Yes.
Y-KO: Then what it is that I would want? Ta-daa!!
ME: ……
Y-KO: A preservative to make sure I don’t get any more rotten!!
… Preservative…?
Y-KO: That’s why I want Tansu Ni Gon, see?
Preservative. Tansu Ni Gon, a preservative…
ME: … I see. And you want a can of that?
Y-KO: … Huh?
ME: One can of Tansu Ni Gon for Christmas?
Y-KO: Huh? No, I—
ME: It’s fine. I think you can get at least a year’s use out of one.
In fact, if it can help get your “rottenness” under control, I’d buy two or three, just in case.
Y-KO: Um, hello…
ME: Well, I’ll go and buy one. Watch the house while I’m out.
Y-KO: Hey! No!
ME: Oh, and I forgot to mention something…
Tansu Ni Gon isn’t a preservative—
it’s an insecticide.
Y-KO: ……
ME: ……
Y-KO: …………
ME: …………
Y-KO: ……………… A handbag.
ME: Very good, ma’am.
Cosplay.
2005/12/23 00:02
—“A miniskirt Santa… would be so great.”
It all began with this comment from Y-ko, as she sat eating a mandarin orange.
ME: … Huh?
Y-KO: I mean, everything in town is all decked out in Santas, right?
ME: Yep.