Before We Fall

by Grace Lowrie

  Not to mention that I’d slapped him – which was the last thing I should have done – he’d been punished enough. But of all the rude and hurtful things he’d said to me, that was the worst – because it was true. He was right. Compared to his life, mine was safe and suburban. I’d been blessed with an easy ride and I’d wasted it; frittered it away being afraid. In the past four months I’d experienced more exhilarating highs and dreadful lows than I had in the rest of my life put together. Since meeting Bay I could no longer predict what I was going to feel from one moment to the next, and it was strangely addictive. And like most addictions it was poisonous.

  Squeezing Bessie I willed myself to go to sleep. It was already 11 a.m. and I had to be up for work in six hours, but I couldn’t stop worrying.

  It was just as well Bay was avoiding me. I constantly craved his company, but that night, after he opened up to me, the sex had been dangerously intense. The emotional distance we’d so carefully maintained between us was eroding. I now understood why Bay was always pushing people away; with the tragic death of his twin brother and then his mother, he’d got the crazy idea into his head that he was cursed. And here I was, a nuclear time bomb set to destroy him. Tick, tick, tick.

  I should leave right now, but where would I go? I couldn’t bear to face my parents, not yet, and none of my old friends would even recognise the new me. I’d never felt more alone…

  The intercom buzzed and I groaned into my pillow. Who was that? It was almost certainly a delivery for Bay, it might even be Tom. I should just ignore it.

  At the sight of the familiar face on the small screen, I wanted to weep. I pressed the button to speak, but I had a lump in my throat and when I opened my mouth no sound came out.

  ‘Cally… is that you…?’ Liam’s voice rumbled out of the intercom as comforting as an old blanket.

  ‘Hi,’ I said at last. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I just wanted to see you; to see for myself that you’re OK, that’s all.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Can I come up?’

  Bay’s proximity on the other side of the wall made me anxious. ‘Umm, I could meet you somewhere instead?’

  ‘I’ve only got half an hour, can’t I just come up? I don’t have a hidden agenda, I promise.’

  There was no music coming from next door and I figured Bay would almost certainly be asleep at this time of day. Buzzing Liam in, I pulled on a dressing gown and then hovered nervously in the doorway as the lift rose. He ducked as he exited the car, angling his body sideways to accommodate his broad shoulders. I’d forgotten how huge he was. He smiled when he saw me, but paused to admire the view from the landing window.

  ‘Wow, you can see for miles from up here.’ His deep voice seemed too loud in the small space and I shifted nervously from foot to foot.

  ‘Come in, I’ll make some tea.’

  As I closed the door safely behind us, I almost sagged with relief. Filling the kettle I made tea while my ex strolled over to the windows and whistled at the panoramic view.

  ‘There you go,’ I said, handing him a mug of milky tea with three sugars – the way he liked it.

  ‘Thanks.’ He was silent for a long while, but that was not unusual for Liam. Years ago when we first got together it unnerved me, but it was simply how he was. ‘Sorry if I woke you,’ he said at last, eyes still trained on the view.

  ‘You didn’t, I’d only just got into bed.’

  He nodded, thoughtfully. ‘Big night?’

  ‘No, not at all I… I work shifts, that’s all.’ I hoped he wouldn’t ask me to elaborate, and he didn’t.

  ‘You seem different. Marguerite said you’d changed, but I wanted to see for myself.’

  ‘Oh God, whatever she’s told you, it isn’t true.’

  He turned to me then, his expression reassuring. ‘Don’t worry, she only said you seemed happier and more… confident.’

  ‘That and my address…’

  He smiled. ‘Yeah, that too. So, are you happy?’

  ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Really? Because you look tired and you’ve lost weight…’

  ‘I’ve just been working really hard and… and I’ve started writing a book of sorts and that keeps me up when I should be sleeping…’

  ‘A book? That’s great, Cally.’

  ‘Yeah. What about you? How’s work?’

  ‘Great actually – I’m restoring and re-landscaping the grounds of Wildham Hall.’

  ‘Wow, that’s a big old place, isn’t it? Congratulations.’

  ‘That’s why I’m in town; I want to find out what I can about the original gardens – I’ve got an appointment at the British Library.’

  ‘Sounds exciting.’

  ‘Yeah it’s… interesting.’ He took several long gulps of tea.

  ‘What are you not saying?’

  ‘Nothing. It’s just that I… I’ve met someone.’

  ‘I’m so pleased for you,’ I said, my eyes pricking with tears. It was a relief to see Liam so content and quietly optimistic. Perhaps I hadn’t broken his heart after all; perhaps our relationship was never meant to last; perhaps, despite the cowardly way I’d gone about it, I’d done the best for Liam by leaving him. ‘Do you want to tell me what she’s like?’

  ‘I’d rather not – it’s early days…’ I nodded, privately glad to escape too much detail.

  We chatted for a while, and he updated me on various bits of news about the rugby club and our friends. Thinking about them made me feel horribly homesick, but I was careful to hide it. After all, it wasn’t my home, not anymore.

  ‘I think I know why you left,’ he said, handing me his empty mug as we neared the door.

  ‘Oh?’ Panic stirred in the pit of my stomach. ‘I was holding you back.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Yes – it’s OK, I get it; I’m not a particularly ambitious guy, I never have been, and you wanted more. But you only had to ask, Cally; I would have let you go.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine, really; as long as you’re happy, that’s the main thing.’

  As he hugged me goodbye, it was so comforting and familiar I nearly burst in to tears. Quickly withdrawing from his embrace I opened the door. But there, hunched on the window ledge, blocking the light like a malignant shadow, was Bay.

  Oh crap. I’d missed him so much. An electric pulse of desire swept through me at his mere presence, culminating in a low thrumming sensation somewhere deep inside me. But this was bad. I didn’t want these two men to meet. Bay puffed on a cigarette, his darkly glowing emerald gaze briefly hitting mine before sweeping on to Liam.

  Flustered, I stumbled over to the lift and pressed the call button as if Bay wasn’t there. The doors slid open immediately, but to my horror Liam stepped towards Bay and offered him his hand to shake.

  ‘Liam,’ he said, amiably.

  Bay slowly unfolded himself, rose to his feet, so that he was closer to Liam in height and took a long, insolent drag on his cigarette, ignoring my ex’s hand completely. ‘You found her, then?’

  Liam let his arm drop to his side as they eyed each other. ‘Friend of yours?’ he said mildly without looking at me.

  ‘Er, yes, this is Bay, my next-door neighbour,’ I said, stepping up beside Liam, my pulse throbbing in my temple as Bay released a cloud of smoke. Liam nodded and started to turn away, but Bay wasn’t done.

  ‘What did you do to make her run from you?’

  His question stung. Did he really think Liam had hurt me, or did he simply want to know how to get rid of me?

  Liam calmly turned back to Bay. ‘Why don’t you ask her?’

  ‘I’m asking you.’

  ‘Stop it guys, this is childish,’ I interrupted. Bay was clearly spoiling for a fight, and although Liam was managing to keep his cool, he wouldn’t do so indefinitely. He was bigger and heavier than Bay and could defend himself if necessary, but he was essentially a pacifist at heart. Whereas Bay had a wealth of fighting
experience and a death wish. I wasn’t sure who would win if these two giants came to blows, but I wasn’t about to find out.

  As they continued to eyeball each other I stepped between them with my back to Liam. Bay’s inherently appealing scent, mingled with turps and tobacco, almost made me swoon. I was temporarily transported back to a fortnight previously, when I’d stood between two men for a very different reason, and heat rose to my face at the memory. I stared up at Bay until he transferred his frighteningly intimidating gaze to mine. It almost made me cower, but I stubbornly maintained eye contact. ‘I’ve told you before; Liam’s never hurt me, OK?’ As we stared at each other his eyes gradually began to soften. Behind the anger I could see his pain and it made my chest ache. ‘Please,’ I added.

  Bay lifted his cigarette to his lips and abruptly turned back to the window, effectively releasing us, and I gratefully took the opportunity to steer Liam into the lift.

  We descended in silence, my head ringing with dissipating tension and relief.

  ‘That guy’s in love with you,’ Liam said, when we reached the street.

  His words made me hot and cold all at once, but I tried to keep my expression neutral. ‘Maybe,’ I said.

  ‘Do you trust him?’

  ‘Yes, actually, I do.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Liam placed his large hands on my shoulders. ‘I need you to be sure…’

  ‘I trust him,’ I said firmly. It was the truth.

  Bay was gone when I returned to the landing. Bypassing his door I went straight to my bed alone and cried myself to sleep.

  Chapter Forty-eight

  I woke in a cold sweat, tangled in the sheets and screaming her name. No. Fucking please no; she’s not dead, she’s not dead, she’s not dead – it was just a dream.

  Fuck.

  My nightmares had come back tenfold, only now Cally was in them too and she had a starring role. Reaching for my fags I tried to light up, but my hands were shaking too badly. I was losing it. I was losing her. I could feel it.

  Staying away from her was eating me alive. She said she had no home to go to, but her ex would take her back in a heartbeat, I could see it in his eyes. Seeing her smiling up at him, bare-legged in her dressing gown, had almost killed me. I was ready to beat him to a pulp, but what would that achieve?

  Rescuing my watch from the floor I squinted at it. Ten past six – she’d be leaving for work soon and then she’d be dancing naked for a whole load of fucking wankers who didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as her. Ah fuck. I hurled my watch across the room and it collided with something in the shadows before clattering to the floor. I couldn’t let her do it.

  Chased by the visions from my nightmares, I exited my apartment and hammered my fist on her door. She opened it looking startled, wearing a pretty off-the-shoulder dress and clutching a bowl of cereal in one hand. Grabbing her I crushed her to me, her breakfast landing on the doormat as I buried my face in the sweet scent of her hair with a moan.

  ‘Bay? What is it? What’s happened?’

  ‘Bad dream,’ I croaked. She stroked my back with her hands and I shuddered beneath her touch, my heart-rate thundering in my chest. ‘I need to fuck you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard,’ I said, shifting my gaze to hers. She still looked bewildered but there was something else in her eyes too – something hungry. I kissed her and she tasted of black coffee and quiet desperation. Half-sighing, half-whimpering, her body melted into mine, her nipples hardening against my chest. Kicking the bowl out of the way and the door shut behind me, I sucked on her lips and tongue as I manoeuvred her backwards into Sidney’s flat.

  ‘Wait,’ she said, breathlessly pulling away, her face flushed and pupils dilated. ‘I have to go to work.’

  ‘No you don’t.’ I lifted her up off the floor and she instinctively wrapped her legs around my hips.

  ‘Yes, I do. Can’t we do this later?’

  ‘No.’ Her eyes closed as I kissed her neck and carried her to the nearest available surface. Setting her down on the dining table, I tugged down the top of her dress and took her nipple in my mouth, while reaching up under the skirt and ripping off her knickers. Gasping, she slid her hands down to my butt, where she squeezed it through my boxers. As I transferred my mouth to her other nipple, I palmed her between her legs and found her ready for me. Rocking into my hand, she ground against my fingers with a groan, and the sound almost made me come. She wanted this as badly as I did. Without hesitation I pulled out my cock, positioned it between her thighs, and thrust up inside her with a grunt. She stared back at me, dark-eyed, lost and hungry – completely at my mercy – as I claimed her body for myself, yet again.

  I took her right there on Sidney’s clear plastic dinner table, rutting and grinding into her, over and over again, never getting close enough, or deep enough. She collapsed back onto her elbows, her breasts jiggling to our frantic rhythm as I took her harder and faster, her eyes begging me not to stop. As she detonated, splayed out beneath me, she cried my name: ‘Oh yes, oh Bay, oh God, Bay…’ I’d never heard a more perfect sound, and it tipped me over the edge. But as the aftershocks of our shared explosion ebbed away and our breathing slowed, she began to look angry.

  ‘Get off me,’ she said, batting me aside. I still had my boxers around my thighs and almost toppled over as she hopped off the table, straightened her dress and stalked off into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

  Pulling up my pants I trailed after her, pressing my head to the door. ‘Fuck, Cally, did I hurt you?’ I quaked at the very idea.

  ‘No,’ she snapped, ‘but I’m going to be late for my shift.’ She turned the taps on and I had to wait for the noise to die down before protesting.

  ‘Don’t go. You don’t have to go.’

  ‘Of course I do – it’s my job.’ Opening the door she pushed past me and strode into the bedroom. I stood in the doorway as she pulled on a fresh pair of knickers. The thought of anyone else seeing them made me want to throw up.

  ‘I don’t want you to go.’

  ‘Why not?’ she said, glancing at me in the mirror as she brushed her hair.

  ‘You know why not; don’t make me say it.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she muttered, picking up her handbag and heading for the front door.

  ‘Wait,’ I growled, stepping in front of her, barring her way. ‘Did that mean nothing to you? You can come for me like that and then go spread your legs for a bunch of fucking strangers?’

  A brief flash of pain flared in her eyes and then her expression tightened with determination. ‘Yes. Why, it’s never bothered you before?’

  ‘It has… it does bother me – I just said I don’t want you to go.’

  ‘Tough – it’s not up to you. Get out of my way.’

  ‘Why are you being like this?’

  ‘Like what? You warned me to stay away from you, remember? Repeatedly. Go home, Bay.’

  She had a point and it hurt like fuck. I had no business trying to keep her for myself. Incapacitated with despair I watched as she walked out and left me there, without looking back.

  Chapter Forty-nine

  I cried in the taxi on my way to work. It was awful saying those things to Bay; walking out on him like that; pretending I didn’t care, when the truth was I cared far, far too much. I was furious with myself for being unable to resist him. His turning up out of the blue like that – half-naked, wild-looking and smelling so good – it was all too much. He’d grabbed hold of me without warning or hesitation; as if I was a life raft and he was drowning; his desperate need igniting my own. I wanted him so badly I couldn’t see straight, think clearly, or stop him. He made me feel so goddamn alive.

  But if Bay was starting to get jealous and possessive, then things had gone too far between us. One of us had to draw the line. But was I strong enough? Right now it didn’t feel like it.

  My shift was a struggle. I no longer enjoyed my job; I was exhausted al
l the time and constantly had to take extra breaks. Pavel fined me for being late, and by the time I’d paid the standard house fee my measly tips had been reduced to almost nothing.

  On my return I went and sat in Bay’s mother’s garden for a while. The excessive heat of the last few weeks was finally gathering in dark clouds and a storm was brewing. As a refreshing breeze picked up I savoured it, along with the relative peace and quiet under the trees. Bay would be waiting for me upstairs, but I had no idea what sort of mood he’d be in. Part of me wanted to hide in my own bed and wallow alone in self-pity; I just didn’t feel up to arguing with Bay; defending my actions and seeing his pain. But a bigger part of me longed to admit defeat; crawl into Bay’s bed and submit, surrender, let him have his way. And that part of me worried me most of all.

  Eventually a scattering of raindrops drove me into the lift and up to the top floor. Bay had left his door on the latch – a clear invitation – although something about it didn’t seem quite right. I was quietly sneaking into my own flat when it dawned on me – there was no music leaking out of Bay’s place; not even that low, spooky Hans Zimmer stuff.

  Maybe his play-list had finished and he was so engrossed in painting, or whatever else he was doing, that he hadn’t noticed? Maybe he was asleep? Reluctant to run into him, I hovered in my doorway, barely breathing, straining my ears for any noise at all, but there was only a low, menacing rumble of thunder that made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

  ‘Bay?’ Haunting flickers of lightning aside, it was completely dark in his flat; even darker than usual. Leaving the front door open wide I used the light from the landing to grope my way over to one of the spotlight rigs trained on the wall. Switching it on I was temporarily blinded, and as I waited for my eyes to adjust, heavy rain lashed at the windows and filled my ears. ‘Bay? Are you here?’ My own voice was too anxious and too loud. Picking my way over to the empty bed I turned, and that’s when I saw them – his bare feet – sticking out from behind the kitchen counter.