Believing Again (Finding Your Place Book 3)

by Rebecca Barber

  Yanking the door open forcefully, it shook on its hinges. There was Derek, a pizza balanced in one hand and a six pack in his other. If it wasn’t for the smell of barbeque sauce and melted cheese wafting from the box, I’d have told him to piss off. Instead, my stomach rumbled and I found myself inviting him in.

  “Where have you been?” Derek asked as he settled into the chair and propped his feet up on the coffee table.

  “Around.”

  “Hmph.”

  For a few tense moments we sat in silence as I inhaled three slices of pizza without taking a breath. It wasn’t until it settled in my stomach, I realised I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a proper meal. It felt like weeks. It may well have been.

  After taking a long pull from my beer, I settled back and belched loudly.

  “Right! You’ve been fed now, so start talking,” Derek declared, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. No wonder criminals caved under his scrutiny. Even knowing I’d done nothing wrong wasn’t enough to calm the butterflies taking flight in my chest.

  “What?”

  “Don’t even try it, Nate! Where the hell have you been?”

  Gulping, I knew there was no point lying. Maybe it would do me good to talk. Maybe not. But I got the distinct feeling I didn’t really have a choice. “I had to go out of town for a couple of days. That’s all.”

  “Yeah, over a week ago.”

  “Then I had some stuff to catch up on.”

  “Like?”

  “God, Derek! Interrogation much?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the situation.

  “Nah. Just worried about a mate who looks like he’s working himself to death. I’m just kinda wondering why.”

  Well, fuck me sideways. Now I was really screwed.

  “I just had to deal with some shit back home.”

  “Home?”

  “Sydney.”

  “Oh. Okay. All sorted now?”

  “As much as it’ll ever be.”

  I knew it would never be sorted. That I’d never be okay. There was no way I ever could be. All I could hope for was each day it would get a little easier. A little lighter. And I’d never again have to set foot back in that god forsaken town.

  “Another?” Derek offered, rising from the chair and heading towards the kitchen. I nodded my agreement.

  When he returned, I found myself staring at the brown bottle, mindlessly picking at the label. “So…what’s new with you, anyway?”

  He groaned loudly before rocking back on his chair and dragging his hands through his hair. For the first time, I looked beyond my own issues and saw Derek clearly. He looked as crappy as I felt. And if anything, that made me feel even worse. I’d been so immersed in my own pity party, I hadn’t even bothered to check in on any of my friends. Even when he’d shown up, I’d been annoyed because he intruded on my solitude. It never once occurred to me perhaps Derek needed a friend just as much as I did.

  “Not a lot. Mia’s gone crazy with wedding plans.”

  “Oh yeah. It’s coming around quickly, isn’t it?”

  “Yep.”

  “Still keen on it.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Sounds like the scripted response. Cold feet?”

  I watched and waited while Derek took a long swig of his beer, before setting the bottle back on the table. A sly smirk tugged at his lips. “I could use a pair of socks.”

  That did it.

  It was all we needed to break the ice. The booming laughter echoed off the blank walls.

  “Mia gone all bridezilla yet?”

  “Hell no!”

  “What’s wrong, then? I mean, I’ve met Mia, and you definitely got the right girl, so you can’t be having second thoughts about her. ’Cause if you are, I’ll take her off your hands…” That earnt me a punch to the arm. Hard.

  “Don’t even think about it!”

  “She is kinda hot…”

  “And wearing my ring,” Derek growled. I knew I’d hit a sore spot.

  The truth was I’d never go there with Mia. Don’t get me wrong, she was an awesome chick. And hot as hell, if you’re into that sexy pixie thing, but I’d seen the way she lit up whenever Derek entered the room. I’d never seen a couple more perfectly suited to each other. Watching Derek go all caveman at the mere mention of me playing house with his sexy as sin fiancée was the most amusement I’d had in a long time.

  “Damn! I hate it when I’m too late. So if it’s not her…”

  “It’s Zoe. That damn woman is driving me insane.”

  “Zoe?”

  “My best friend from Melbourne. She’s my best man and driving me batty.”

  “Zoe’s your best man?”

  “Yeah.” He quirked his eyebrow in my direction. I’d never heard of a female best man before. I mean, if that’s what Derek wanted, then more power to him, it was just something I hadn’t seen. “She’s as close as I’m going to get. But the issue is, she wants to plan my bucks’ party.”

  “And the issue is?”

  “You’ve met Zoe. Her idea of a wild night is two fruity cocktails with umbrellas, then watching Magic Mike in her pyjamas while scarfing down a block of chocolate before falling asleep on the couch.”

  “Right.”

  I could see his dilemma. Even though I didn’t know the full story when it came to Zoe, it was obvious that he loved that girl. They shared an unmistakable bond that was obvious to anyone who saw them. Now he had to choose. Let the girl who had some hold on his heart plan his bachelor party and let her smile light up the world or, tell her no and watch as disappointment filled her eyes.

  “Why don’t you ask Mia to talk to her?”

  “Mia?”

  “Yeah. Girls are good at dealing with each other’s emotional bullshit.”

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  “Of course I am. And if Zoe really is the woman you think she is, all she’ll really want is to see you happy.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  “No probably about it. I know I am. Anyway, she’s going to be the one standing next to you on the big day, isn’t she?” Derek nodded. “Then there’s no way you’re forgetting her. She’s got the most important role on the day, well, after you and Mia, obviously.”

  “What?”

  “Make sure you get there without throwing up all over your tux.”

  Derek clapped me on the shoulder. Hard. With the warmth from his hand seeping through my shirt, for the first time since I’d moved here, since I’d run away from everything I knew and was, I allowed myself to believe that maybe I’d found someone I could call a friend.

  Shaking my head, I attempted to clear the heavy thoughts I needed to move on. Guys didn’t talk about emotional crap, yet for some reason here we were having a deep and meaningful on a Friday night. What’s worse was, neither of us were drunk. That was the only excuse for having this conversation. A conversation that needed to end…now!

  Derek must have had the same thought. Grabbing us each another beer, I popped the cap just as Derek said, “So, wanna show me what you’ve been up to?”

  “Sure.”

  A moment later we were standing in the bare bedroom while I pointed out the changes I’d made and my future plans. Although I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what I was doing, Derek had some good ideas.

  “What are you going to do when you finish it?”

  “If I finish it,” I corrected.

  “When. You will.”

  “I don’t really know.”

  “Will you head back to the city?”

  “What makes you think I’d go back there?” I couldn’t keep the shock from my voice. Even the thought of going back there sent a cold shiver through me.

  “Isn’t it your home?”

  If, for a moment nothing could hurt me more than the shit I’d already been through, then Derek’s simple question gutted me. It hurt in ways I couldn’t imagine possible and never believed could happen.

&
nbsp; “I don’t have a home,” I snapped as a stomped past him, flicking off the light and leaving him standing alone in a dark, empty, lifeless bedroom.

  As soon as I found myself in the kitchen, I grabbed the bottle of bourbon from the cupboard and poured a healthy swig into the closest thing I could find. I was holding my shit together. Barely. It took everything I had to pour it into the nearest coffee mug rather than drink straight from the bottle. Tossing my head back, I swallowed it down, feeling the burn all the way down my throat. It was exactly what I needed. What I craved. The burn pulled my focus away from the stabbing feeling that was piercing my broken heart.

  “Tomorrow night. Dinner at our place. Be there at seven.”

  “But…”

  “No, Nate. No buts about it. Be there or else I’ll send Mia over to kick your sorry ass.”

  “She wouldn’t. She couldn’t…”

  “Don’t underestimate my girl. She’s a firecracker and she’d have no issues at all pulling your head out of your ass.”

  I unscrewed the cap on the bourbon and refilled my cup. I needed sleep. Tomorrow was going to be hard as hell, harder than any day I’d ever endured. I knew the only way I was getting any rest at all would be to pass out. Again.

  “We’ll see.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to promise him I’d be there. I knew there was a better than certain chance I wouldn’t show. The stubborn look on Derek’s face though, told me everything I needed to know. He wasn’t going to listen. Not now.

  He took a final swig from his beer before pouring the rest down the sink. He tossed the bottle in the bin with a clatter before he headed for the door. As he pulled it open, a gust of frigid air blasted through the doors. A shiver caressed my skin.

  “Tomorrow.” He nodded as he heaved the door shut behind him.

  Tossing my bourbon back, I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion flood my body. One shot, then another, and I switched the light off before stumbling down the hallway towards my bedroom. My bed was calling.

  Chapter 21

  Josie

  I was dead on my feet. Even after my third coffee of the morning I was still barely functioning. Even sitting out on the step in the cool, crisp morning air wasn’t helping keep my eyes open. Taking another sip from my travel mug, I watched as Matilda ran around chasing the birds. That girl was going to be the death of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her with everything I was, but right now, in this very moment, I wished she was someone else’s daughter.

  For the last three days she’d been a miserable, horrible pain in my ass. She was teething, which meant I was running on no sleep. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d washed my hair and the only sustenance in my body was caffeine. At this point, if I could find a way to have the caffeine directly injected into my blood stream, I’d be much happier. At one point I was so tired and cranky I’d shot off a text to Mia offering her my snotty, slobbering daughter. Now though, now she was running around happily chasing the damn birds like it was all one big party.

  God, I couldn’t wait for nap time.

  And that child better take a god damn nap today. Her mum desperately needed one. Especially since Jenna wanted me at work tonight operating like a normal human being.

  “Mum!” Matilda squealed in her high pitched, annoying squawk.

  Looking over the rim of my cup, I watched as Matilda played in the dirt, bashing a random stick against the grass. She was amusing herself, and hopefully, tiring her little body out in the process. Barely a breath later she took off running towards the innocent, unaware birds foraging around in the grass. With a flap of her wild hands and another loud squeal, the flock of birds took to the sky, out of reach from my overeager Munchkin.

  When my cup was empty and Matilda was covered from head to toe in dirt and grass, we headed back inside for some food. Mia and Derek arrived home from their trip into the city blissfully and disgustingly happy. Before they’d left, Mia had mumbled something about wedding plans, but as soon as she started I tuned out. She was turning into Bridezilla and I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. Not when I was too tired to care about anything.

  I loved my sister. There was no doubting it, but this wedding couldn’t come fast enough. It seemed like every time I turned around she was nagging at me to buy some hideous lavender bridesmaid’s dress. I know there wasn’t long until the big day and I was running out of time, I just didn’t want to shop. I still hadn’t lost the baby weight, and I pretty much hated how I looked, so putting on a dress and a face full of makeup just to stand there and smile happily while I watched Mia’s dream come true wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. Not that I didn’t want her to get her dream, I did more than anything, it was just that every time the “w” word came out of her mouth, I found myself cringing.

  Before I knew it, it was three in the afternoon, I’d missed my nap, and I was standing in the bathroom glaring at my reflection in the mirror, trying to tame my wild hair.

  “Mum! Mum!” I could hear Matilda calling, and instead of going to make sure she wasn’t bleeding, I nudged the door shut with my foot, blocking out the sound.

  Resting my hands on the sink in front of me I sucked in a deep breath. Then it hit me what I’d done. I was a single mother. And I’d just shut the door on my daughter’s cries. Fuck, I was a horrible person and even worse, I was a terrible mother. What sort of parent does that? When I managed to lift my gaze again, the mascara I swiped on minutes earlier was now trickling with the tears down my face.

  Grabbing one of Matilda’s pink washcloths from the cabinet, I drenched it under the cold tap before scrubbing at my face, washing away my makeup and the shame at what I’d done. I hated myself for it. But I couldn’t force myself to open the door and face what I’d done. Before I had a chance to control myself, it got worse. The sobbing consumed me and soon enough I was panting for breath.

  “Josie?” I heard Mia’s sickeningly sweet voice crack through the door.

  “Yeah?” I hiccupped.

  “Are you all right in there?”

  No. No, I was not all right. I was a fucking mess. Instead of telling her the truth, I lied. “Yep.”

  “Okay. Derek’s taking Matilda outside to the shed. Apparently he needs some help.”

  I didn’t answer. I knew what they were doing. Trying to give me a minute to get my shit together. My only concern was what if a minute wasn’t enough? I was a disaster. As much as I needed the money, the urge to call in sick was more than tempting. If I didn’t feel like I’d be letting Jenna down, I would have.

  The way my life was going, I may never come back out again.

  Tossing the now black-stained cloth in the hamper, I yanked the black polo from the pile on the floor and tugged it over my head, before tightening my hair tie. I didn’t bother trying to reapply my makeup. My whole face was flushed and my eyes bloodshot, but it’d do. After all, it wasn’t like I had anyone to impress.

  Stepping out of the bathroom, I bypassed my bedroom to grab my phone and keys then made my way into the kitchen.

  Completely embarrassed by my breakdown, I watched Mia bite her lip, undoubtedly holding back her opinion. Thank fuck. I knew her well enough to know she had one. A strong one. Right now, I didn’t need her judgement. I had my own to battle.

  “Are you still okay to look after Matilda tonight?” I forced out.

  “Absolutely. Derek has a full night planned for her.”

  “He spoils her.”

  “Yeah. He does.”

  “Well, if you’re sure, I’m going to head off. She’s been a pain in the butt all day and her teeth are giving her some grief. Panadol is in the cupboard, and she’ll be right to have some more around six if she needs it. And if you can get her to eat, give her anything.” Mia quirked her eyebrow at me. “She’s barely eating, and when she does, she’s fussy. Anything you can get down her throat is an achievement.”

  “Easy.”

  “Easy?”

  “Yep. I have plans for a hot bubble bath while U
ncle Derek spends some time with his favourite niece.”

  “Nice. Well, good luck to him. I’m off.”

  Without a word, Mia shuffled around the counter, wrapped her arms around my thick waist, buried her head on my shoulder and just held me. I didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t ask for it. And I didn’t invite it. But the moment her warmth seeped through into my skin, I felt better. “You’re an amazing mum, Jo…”

  “No. I’m really not.”

  “Yeah, Jo, you are. That little terror loves you and that’s all that matters.”

  Feeling the tears threatening again, I hugged her tightly. “Thank you,” I whispered into her ear before pulling back and making my way out the door.

  I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Right now I needed to forget everything I was worried about and pull up my big girl panties and get to work. Climbing into the front seat of my banana scented car, I made a mental note that I needed to wash the car seat tomorrow. Taking the longest route possible, I pulled into the gravel car park with ten minutes to spare. After checking my appearance in the rear-view mirror and groaning heavily, I knew it was as good as it was going to get, I forced myself to get out of the car and stomped my way inside.

  Pushing open the heavy door, Jenna noticed my entrance and offered me a half smile. Weaving my way through the tables, I headed straight towards the office to drop my purse. After stuffing my phone in my back pocket, I huffed out a deep breath, settled my game face on, and got to work.

  “Hey.”

  Jenna greeted me warily. It wasn’t so much as what she said but the way she looked at me that gave her secrets away.

  “Hi!” I replied overly cheerily. I knew I was trying too hard, but I also knew myself. If I didn’t, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t break. “How’s it been today?”

  “Pretty quiet.”

  “That’s good. Think it will stay like that?”

  “Not a chance.”

  “Oh?”

  “Did you forget about the football carnival that’s in town?”

  “Shit!” Yep, I’d completely blanked on that little fact. While I didn’t pay attention to the details, Derek had said something about three other teams migrating into town for some prestigious competition. At least that’s what I made of it. I could be completely wrong though. That’s what happened when my eyes glazed over and I completely tuned out to the world around me.