Zen Of Zombie (Zen of Zombie Series)

by Scott Kenemore

  Instead, it’ll be more like “Holy fuckface mother of shit!!! Bill, you’re a zombie now???” And you can be all suave and play it off like “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. I almost hadn’t noticed.”

  Zombies don’t do it for the attention, or the fame, or the free concussion grenades, or any of the other things that come their way. They do it because it’s the right thing to do, and the one truth path that they inherently understand they must follow. Are you ready for this kind of dedication?

  Now’s the time to find out.

  1

  No Fear? Know Fear!

  Our first week’s exercise is all about fear. What you’re afraid of, and what you’re not afraid of. And, oh yes, who fears you ...

  Zombies enjoy the best possible combination of these factors. They fear nothing, and everything fears them (everything sensible, at least). But let’s back up for a second. Sure, seeing the dead rise from their graves to gorge on the living brains of a graveyard caretaker is scary. But it’s not the only scary thing out there. Job interviews are scary. Credit card bills are scary. Third dates are scary (like if you’re thinking maybe you get to have sex, because its the third date and all, but then maybe it’s crass to just assume that you do, but then maybe she’s expecting you to try something and if you don’t make a move you’ll come off as some kind of “half-man.” So what’s it gonna be? Is that what you are, then? A half-man?)

  A zombie is scary, but it’s just one of a lot of scary things you have to deal with from day to day.

  Now what if I told you that instead of feeling fear (at a job interview, at the opening of your bank statement, or in a midtown bistro you can’t really afford) you could inspire fear? Things might be a little different then, right? Sure they would. And mostly in a good way. Mostly ...

  At the start of Week 1, make a list of everything that scares you or makes you feel fear. It can be long or short, very detailed or very general, but it should look something like this:

  THINGS I’M AFRAID OF:

  Stray dogs

  Dealing with my ex-wife/ex-husband

  Big hairy spiders

  The grocer with the scar who works at the meat counter

  Death

  Taxes

  Credit card fees

  Grade school gym teacher

  Learning a foreign language

  Ninja throwing stars

  Being seen in my underclothes by even a small group of people in good lighting

  That one mannequin in the window by my bus stop (always stares at me! wtf???)

  Using too much curry when I cook and ruining a meal Third dates

  Now, and this may be a bit of a stretch for some readers, make a list of everything that fears you. It doesn’t need to be (and considering the demographic who tends to read self-help books, probably won’t be) very extensive. It could look something like this:

  THINGS THAT FEAR ME:

  Attractive members of the opposite sex

  Very small insects (not counting spiders!)

  Particles of dust on the day I do the cleaning

  All done? Good.

  So, as you sit there feeling superior to a particle of dust, I want you to hold up both lists and compare them. One is a lot longer than the other. Why is that? Well, you’re human, after all. (A situation we’ll work to remedy as soon as is practicable.) It’s in your best interest, genetically speaking, to keep the things it’s wise to be afraid of foremost in your mind. Those who don’t do this are liable to try petting tigers to see if they’re friendly and so forth. (These types are not usually around long enough to pass along their tiger-petting techniques on to subsequent generations.)

  Zombie Tip:

  Nothing ventured, no brains gained.

  A zombie takes chances, and so should you. You’re not going to get anywhere in life being timid all the time. You got to have some guts and get out there. (You wuss.) Make like a zombie and charge that policeman. Take on that pitchfork-wielding mob. Take a chance! Live! ... in a manner of speaking.

  As for your shorter list, you may have not yet paused to consider the benefits of being feared.

  When we talk about “being feared” or “inspiring fear in others,” there are several similar activities from which we must distinguish ourselves. Activities and projects that, as zombies, we are most certainly not engaging in. These include bullying, gangstering, and threatening. Allow me to explain.

  Bullies, unlike zombies, are fundamentally insecure. They want to be powerful and esteemed, but their insecurity requires them to create situations where they can forcibly affirm these things constantly. A bully on the playground steals milk money, not because he really needs the extra 70 cents, but to remind everybody (most of all, himself) that he can take it. That he is bigger and stronger, etc. The bully at work forces his entire staff to work late just to prove that he is powerful enough to do it, not because there is any pressing deadline to be met. This behavior is very unlike a zombie. A zombie never distended a victim’s jaw while chiding “Why’re you eating yourself? Why’re you eating yourself?” Zombies don’t do things because they need a burst of confidence, or because they want their superiority affirmed. They just want your brain, and you’re right to fear them only because they’re actually coming to get it.

  Like zombies, gangsters also inspire fear, but zombies aren’t gangsters. Whether it’s the Al Capones of a bygone era or the Tupac Chopras of today, gangsters are all about building a rep and using it to build an empire, usually a criminal one. It’s all about money. People fear gangsters because gangsters will kill to get what they want, and will seriously mess with you if you somehow interfere with their bootlegging /drug dealing/energy drink-endorsing enterprises. Stay out of a gangster’s way, however, and he may be nice to you, or even help you out. Zombies, on the other hand, have no secondary interests needing protection. A gangster says “You’d better not mess with me ‘cause I’ll fucking kill you ... though under the right circumstances I could be your friend.” A zombie says “You’d better not mess with me ‘cause I’ll eat your brain if you do. Then again, I’m going to eat your brain anyway, so whatever.” Gangsters are violent because they have interests to protect. Zombies are just being themselves.

  Finally, some humans (many, in fact) use fear to threaten people. There is an if/then-style proposition to it all. If you don’t let me ride your bike, then I’ll break your arm. If you don’t take me fly fishing, then I’ll cry the whole way home. If you don’t give me that promotion, then I’ll sleep with you. There is no “if/then” in the brain of a zombie. Zombies will kill you and eat you no matter what you do. If you let me ride your bike, then I’ll eat your brain. Going fishing? Getting eaten. Not going fishing? Still getting eaten. Are we seeing a pattern here? The thing to take away is that zombies don’t leverage the threat of eating someone’s brain against something else. What they want is the only thing they want.

  Contrary to these other types, the fear inspired by a zombie is not the fear of a bully, a gangster, or somebody making a threat. The fear inspired by zombies is, in contrast, the purest kind of fear. It’s like the fear of a bolt of lightning or of a hungry tiger. It is the fear of things that cannot (or will not) be reasoned with. The fear of something with no ulterior motive. It’s something with no ego to flatter or hidden agenda to uphold. No amount of digging into its past will unearth a secret about a bolt of lightning that you can use to keep yourself safe from it.

  Okay, so let’s hold up our lists and notice once more that one is strikingly more substantial than the other. Now, for a moment, imagine this scenario, however radical it may seem at first: What if everything on your THINGS I’M AFRAID OF list were magically transported to your THINGS THAT FEAR ME list?

  Suspend disbelief for a second and drink that feeling in.

  Feels good, doesn’t it? That’s how a zombie feels every day. And your 90-day zombification can make it possible.

  Consider this:

  THINGS THAT FEAR ME NOW THAT
I’M A ZOMBIE:

  Stray dogs (Animals are instinctively terrified of the walking dead. If they bark when you walk by, it is only in terror.)

  Your ex-wife/ex-husband (Not going to go within miles of a zombie, much less stop by to collect alimony payments.)

  Big hairy spiders (If you’re a zombie, you might have a couple of these guys crawling around inside your head anyway.)

  The grocer with the scar who works at the meat counter (Want a second scar, tough guy?)

  Death (Zombies are already dead.)

  Taxes (Zombies don’t pay ‘em.)

  Credit card fees (Zombification voids credit card contracts.)

  Grade school gym teacher (No, you take a lap. Hard to do without your brain, isn’t it?)

  Learning a foreign language (Zombies only need to know a few words, which makes a foreign language vocabulary that much easier. It’s “le brain,” right? )

  Ninja throwing stars (Easily removed from a zombie.)

  Being seen in my underclothes by even a small group of people in good lighting (Being a zombie has a leveling-out effect on personal attractiveness. You can have a six-pack or a big ole gut, but when maggots and big hairy spiders start crawling out of your belly, nobody’s going to remember which it was.)

  That one mannequin in the window by my bus stop (Mannequins are easily destroyed, even by slow-moving zombies.)

  Using too much curry when I cook and ruining a meal (Brains taste better raw.)

  Third dates (Hey baby, ready for some hot, teeth-onbrain action?)

  Zombies succeed because they make the conscious (or unconscious) choice not to have fear. This is not always because a zombie has absolutely nothing to fear. Rare as they are, it has been demonstrated that some things can kill or stop zombies. There are special government shock-troops with anti-zombie grenades. There are magical enchanted swords that can slit a zombie nave to chops and then cut his head clean off. There are zombie-reversing nerve reagents that can send zombies back into the slumber of death from whence they came.

  These are real, legitimate fears for a zombie. But look, a zombie doesn’t just sit at home with the blinds drawn worrying about it. He doesn’t peer cautiously around every corner as he advances, wondering if there’s an enchanted magic sword waiting to decapitate him.

  A zombie doesn’t let worry stop him, or even slow him down. A zombie sallies forth, inveterate.

  For your first week of zombie training, you will work on cultivating a zombie-like fear persona by practicing fearinspiring exercises. These occur when a situation arises in your day-to-day life in which you feel fear. It can arise from any of the things on your THINGS I’M AFRAID OF list, or it can be something else entirely, as long as it makes you feel fear.

  When fear occurs, follow these easy steps:

  Fear (I am feeling fear/I feel afraid right now)

  Source (What is the source of this fear-feeling?/Why am I afraid?/What am I afraid of?)

  Reversal of Fear (What would it take to reverse this situation such that the thing that is making me feel afraid would, instead, be afraid of me?)

  Implementation (Make it so)

  For example, let’s say you’re on your way home from work one evening when a shady-looking character waves you over. You hesitate. Could he have something to tell you? Could he be a good Samaritan with a message? A long-lost relative, waiting to give you a hug and write you into his or her will? Could he be a beggar, just wanting some change? Could he be a mugger who’s going to lure you into an alley and stick a knife in your ribs?

  You have no idea.

  But you know you feel fear.

  Step 1 is Identification of Fear. So you’ve already done that. You know you feel afraid. (See how easy this is?)

  Step 2 is Identification of Source. Shady looking fellow.

  Step 3 is Reversal of Fear. What would it take to reverse the situation? Or, more accurately, what would a zombie do. You’ve got to think like a zombie here. Maybe you turn the tables and beckon this guy over in a disturbing or menacing way. Maybe you screw your face up into a weird expression that’s only three-fifths civilized. (Or three-fifths living.) A zombie wouldn’t be fazed by any of that crazy-guy energy that you can tell is pulsing underneath his coffee-stained overcoat and collared shirt from Goodwill. A zombie would show no fear.

  So you’ve got some ideas here. The fourth step is easy, just to make it so. Make is so like a zombie. You can be like: “Hey, crazy-looking guy ... No, you come the fuck over here. How about that? What does my menacing, drooling expression indicate? What ought you to take from the fact that I desire, earnestly and deeply, to bite your face off? Good questions! Step just a little closer and I’ll show you! Just a little closer ... ”

  At first you may have to pause and think about each step in turn when fear accosts you. After a few days, however, it should become second nature to turn around the fear and project it back on the fear-originating thing.

  Like, Hey, stray dog. You sure jumped out at me all suddenlike, and you look as though you’d certainly like to break through that fence and get at me. Maybe you feel like that fence protects you, and you can just bark at people all day without actually having to tussle with any. Well, I’m the guy who’s going to call your bluff. I’m the guy who’s going to open the latch and then get down on all fours slobbering and biting you back. See how you like it.

  Scary credit card bill? You sure arrived quicker than I thought you would, and with all these surprise penalties tacked on for good measure. Very impressive. How about this? I’m going to put you in a safe place, like the trash, and then sit down at my computer and create my own bill which I’ll send to your return address in Delaware or South Dakota. In it, I’ll detail the “penalties” I intend to impose for any future correspondence from you. Many of which, interestingly enough, involve eating your brain. (It should be noted that zombies aren’t known for their credit scores. However, they rarely have any difficulty obtaining things they want, and are excellent negotiators.)

  Keep a Fear Journal during this first week in which you chronicle each instance of feeling afraid and turning the fear around. And don’t worry if it’s not always successful at first. Write down the failures as well as the successes. Failures can be valuable when you go back and look at why they didn’t work.

  One past participant in the 90-Day Zombification program (let’s call her “Sally”) found that keeping a Fear Journal allowed her to refine her successes and analyze her mistakes. For example, one of Sally’s failures was chronicled in the following entry excerpted here:

  Fear Journal Day Three - This morning my boss Mr. Smith stopped by my desk and started talking about how there are going to have to be some layoffs around the office to meet budget, and said that my work hadn’t exactly been stellar as of late. Right away, I started to feel afraid. I didn’t want to lose my job. I also didn’t want to work hard. It was quite a conundrum. I thought about the steps I was supposed to follow. How was I supposed to turn this around on Mr. Smith? I had to think quickly. “Mr. Smith,” I said, “I’m feeling afraid that you won’t take me to dinner tonight.” It was all I could think to say. And sure, it worked, but it wasn’t the zombie solution. Anyway, in the throes of passion later that night, I realized what I should have said: “Smith, you ignorant fat philanderer, firing me would cost you your own job by the time you got through with the sexual harassment and employment discrimination lawsuits. And I hope you like working hard, because even if you succeed in getting rid of me, you’ll have weeks and weeks of depositions and meetings first. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if we both just went back to playing Minesweeper?” That’s what I’ll say next time this happens.

  Sally is currently a top-level executive at an investment banking firm in Manhattan.

  Your own Fear Journal should contain both positive and negative experiences. The important thing is to learn from both your successes and your mistakes. The ultimate goal is that a zombie reaction to fear should become second nature.
r />   Remember:

  To feel fear is unlike a zombie.

  To inspire fear is very like a zombie.

  You are, day by day, becoming more like a zombie.

  2

  Sticking to Your (Zombie) Guns

  We all have things we want in life. Zombies want to eat living brains, sure. But you probably also want things, too. And they don’t have to involve brain-eating (although, if they do, we’re not here to judge, obviously). You might want a new house. You might want a promotion at work. You might want a new husband who doesn’t pick his toes at the dinner table. It’s up to you. Whoever you are and whatever your desire, this week we’re going to focus on the thing you have in common with a zombie: the wanting.

  The zombie’s devotion to what it desires is total, allconsuming, even slavish. However, zombies are also effective at what they do and tend to get what they want.