Zen Of Zombie (Zen of Zombie Series)

by Scott Kenemore

  Exegesis: Here we have a wonderful example of a zombie leveling the self-righteous man and bringing him down to where the rest of us are. It just goes to show that good works are no security against zombies. Our Yankee friend earnestly believed that the blood he and his comrades had shed at Shiloh and Bull Run would somehow “count” in his favor. Not when the zombies come knocking. For his part, our zombie, Dave, is at no point distracted by his victim’s tales of self-sacrifice and earnest vision for a peaceful future where Americans live together in tolerance and prosperity. He’s not going to think about one victim being more or less worthy than another. Whether it’s a bigoted slavemaster or an idealistic Union soldier, Dave is chowing down. Truly, all men are equal in his eyes, and in his mouth.

  Example Two

  On Prom Night 2007 in Davenport, Iowa, Davenport North football star Jason Panther wanders away from the after-prom party on the banks of the Mississippi. Suddenly, walking up the riverbank he sees the skulking form of Carol Snogley, the yearbook editor and president of the Chess Club, who threw herself into the river after a prank by the football team (and several cheerleaders) involving some Photoshopped images of Carol and the assistant principal, and resulting in an emergency PTA meeting and a segment on 20/20. A recent government chemical spill into the river (also covered on 20/20) has had an unforeseen effect on Carol.

  Jason: “Carol? Carol Snogley? Is that you?”

  Carol: “Jason ... ”

  Jason: “Omigod. Carol, we are all so sorry about what happened. Nobody expected those pictures to get so much attention. You wouldn’t believe the fallout. I got suspended for every away game that’s not

  part of the IHSAA tournament. Some of the cheerleaders got it even worse. I’m not even kidding.”

  Carol: “Jason ... ”

  Jason: “Gee, is that the same dress you were wearing when you jumped off the bridge? We all thought you were dead. It was on 20/20 and everything. We should let everybody know you’re okay. I’d go tell people myself, but the way you’re shuf fling over to me makes my legs feel sort of frozen. It’s the darndest thing.”

  Carol: “Brains ... ”

  Jason: “Gee, can’t move at all. Funny how that happens.”

  Carol: “Brains ... ”

  Jason: “You know, Carol, I never told you how I secretly thought you were really cool. I mean, I know I used to laugh or make a ‘thpppt’ noise every time you got an an swer right in class, but really, I thought it was ... neat. And when the cheerleaders would tease you about your clothes being from a Mexican outlet store, I knew that wasn’t true. Looking back, yes, I should have said something.”

  Carol: “Brains ... ”

  Jason: “I never told anybody this, but I always felt like I was more of a nerd than a jock. I mean, my dad’s always pushing me to play sports. And whatever, maybe I set the Iowa State High School Football re cord for most forced fumbles in a season this year, but that’s not who I am. I like ... books, and reading and things. I

  even saw Star Wars. It was the new ones, but, and this is being one hundred percent honest, I thought that Jar Jar Binks guy was dope.”

  Carol: “Brains ... ”

  Jason: “I guess what I’m trying to say, it be ing prom night and all, is ... There’s a whole group of kids who were also in on the prank just five minutes walk from here. They’re passed out in sleeping bags and it would be way easier for you to eat them. Let me go and I can show you right where they are. How ’bout it Carol? One nerd to another ... Carol ... ? Carol ... ?”

  Exegesis: In this example, Jason tries to save his skin from a zombie-nerd by claiming to secretly be a nerd himself. Later, he essays to prolong his life by insinuating that he can be useful to a zombie, if given the chance. Carol’s obvious declension shows how zombies refuse to give special treatment. Jason’s tale about identifying as a nerd was a lie (except for the Jar Jar Binks part), but whether or not he was lying made no difference to Carol. Jock or nerd, his brain was still her dinner. No preferential treatment. As for the offer of other victims, well, let’s just say it doesn’t take a nerd (or a zombie nerd) to know that hungover kids aren’t going anywhere for quite a while. (They might make a fine banquet, but it’s open all night, and there’s no reason why Jason shouldn’t be the appetizer.)

  Zombie Tip:

  A brain a day (is still not enough brains).

  And don’t worry about keeping the doctor away. If he sees you, he’s going to run off on his own.

  Example Three

  Paris Raddison, hotel heiress and famous nudist, visits a new luxury spa in the American Southwest for treatment of “nervous exhaustion,” with no idea that the spa’s developers ignored the protestations of a local Native American tribe that reminded them the land had been a hallowed burial ground since time immemorial. As Paris relaxes in a seaweed-chipotle body wrap and mud bath, a zombie named Two-Crow climbs in through the window and chows down on the aromatherapy expert before Paris can tell her which scented candles she’d like for the lavender and beeswax massage.

  Paris: “Hey, that is so not hot.”

  Two-Crow: “Brains ... ”

  Paris: “ Do you even know who my father is?”

  Two-Crow: “Brains ... ”

  Paris: “What does that even mean? Are you saying I’m not smart, like in those stupid tabloids? I’ll have you know that I got into Choate. I even wrote a book about how to be fabulous and stuff, with a lady who followed me around and wrote down the things I said and how awesome they were. Hear that? I WROTE A BOOK. That means I’m smart. Don’t tell me I don’t have brains.”

  Two-Crow: “Eat ... Brains ... ”

  Paris: “Oh what? You want to eat my brain, just like you ate the brain of that stupid aromatherapy lady? You don’t ‘get’ to eat my brain like that, mister. She was Mexican and probably poor. Her family was probably poor. Maybe even illegal immigrants. I’m Paris Raddison. My life is good. My brain doesn’t get eaten. Got it?”

  Two-Crow: “Brains ... ”

  Paris (slightly less sure of herself): “Got it ... ?”

  Exegesis: We’ve already reviewed how zombies are impervious to flattery and temptation. This example shows how they are also immune to distinctions of social class, even when directly invoked. Ms. Raddison’s feelings of entitlement (based on wealth, race, status, fame, and the publication of a ghostwritten book) did not register with our zombie. Likewise, the attempt made by Paris to show the zombie substantive ways in which she was “different” from the hapless aromatherapist failed utterly.

  Two-Crow “treated” both young women the same, and because of this, he was successful in his project.

  During this week, you will work to ensure that your day-to-day interactions with others mirror the equanimity shown by zombies in the above examples.

  In your journal, make a list of significant interactions in which you followed the example of a zombie and did not take into account the external differences of the people with whom you dealt. These interactions can involve dialogue, but it is not a requirement. They can involve actions taken, or, importantly, actions NOT taken, because of someone’s attributes.

  Be sure to record the scenario, the appeal made to you based on an external quality, your zombie-like response, and your evaluation of it.

  Example One

  Scenario: Sally, the receptionist at my job, asks me if I want to buy a candy bar for five dollars (five dollars!) to help her daughter’s school afford a class trip to Washington, D.C.

  Appeal: Judging by Sally’s pay-grade, zip code, and single mom status, this candy bar thing is probably the only way her daughter’s going to be able to afford to go. The appeal is economic.

  Response: I didn’t buy a candy bar because of Sally’s strong insinuation that her daughter needed the money for the trip. I did, however, buy three of them because it still beats walking to the basement of Building C to hit the vending machines whenever I need a snack.

  Evaluation: Outwardly, it might look like I
failed this test and let myself feel sorry for a co-worker’s child. I know, however, that I would have bought these candy bars from the CEO himself. (Observation: He wouldn’t need the money like Sally, but buying candy cars from the CEO might look as though I was attempting to curry favor. Perhaps there is no way to avoid this problem ...)

  Example Two

  Scenario: My wife and I are sitting in the entrance to the diner on Sunday, waiting to be seated for brunch. This old couple from our congregation comes in and starts insinuating that they’d really like us to give up our seats. (“What a long service today, huh?” “My wife has a bad hip, you know,” “I just don’t have the energy I used to,” etc.)

  Appeal: I’m supposed to “feel sorry” for them because they’re old, right?

  Response: Before I can even do anything (like say “No way, you old fogies”), my wife stands up and offers the woman her seat. I don’t move at first, but when the old biddy sits down, she starts right in with the nattering (“I remember when this place first opened.” “Do you know our grandson Nate who sings in the choir?” “Did you hear about the pastor’s youngest brother? He went to San Francisco and married another man.”) After a few minutes, I didn’t want to sit there anymore, so I let her husband take the seat.”

  Evaluation: Overall good, but maybe some room for improvement. I wouldn’t have given up my seat to the old couple, even though they were old, except after a while I started to want to. I didn’t let them “appeal” to me with their oldness, and I didn’t treat them differently than I’d treat anybody else. Eventually I wanted to move, but I’d want to move if any annoying person sat next to me, so really it’s my wife’s fault for letting this happen. (Possible next step: convince wife to consider Zen of Zombie 90-Day zombification program for herself?)

  Example Three

  Scenario: Matt, the dreamy assistant professor for my Intro to Economics class, hints that we could “discuss” my D+ this weekend over some wine in his apartment. I’ve had a crush on him since the first day of class, but I’ve heard that it’s bad for students to hook up with their professors. I forget how it goes exactly ... Something about getting myself expelled and ruining a man’s career.

  Appeal: Maybe his status? Oh, and his ability to change my grade. But really, what “appeals” to be is his hot little butt and that tasteful pony tail.

  Response: Totally rocked his world for most of Friday night and some of Saturday morning. Kind of a letdown, though ... He looks a lot better up at the lectern than he does in a 69. And afterward he got all weird and kept saying: “You can’t tell anybody about this. This is my last chance at a tenure-track job. It’s just that there’s nobody to date at a rural college like this.”

  Evaluation: I didn’t treat Matt differently than any other campus hottie I wanted to take to bed, so I think it’s totally fine. Also, just like any other guy I take to bed, I’m totally going to blog about our time together on my MySpace, and it’s the rules that he HAS to give me a big hug when we see each other around campus. (Question: Does that include in the class he teaches? I say yes.)

  Now and then, a Nazi skinhead zombie stumbles into a Jewish neighborhood and starts eating some serious Ashkenazi brain. And it’s easy for onlookers to guess that the zombie has carried his bigotry with him into the afterlife. Once a bigot, always a bigot, they’ll say. Even in death, this insecure thug needs a group to feel better than. The truth of the matter may be more banal. Usually, it is random chance that leads a Nazi zombie to the Jewish part of town. Or a Jewish zombie to a Palestinian part of town. Or a Serb zombie to Little Croatia, and so on.

  You’ve probably experienced this in your own life, prior to reading this book. How many times have you come to dislike someone of another race or religion (not because of their race or religion, but because they were a jerk), and yet hesitated to let it be known for fear of being branded a racist? In particular cases, zombies might appear to be favoring one type of person over another, but it’s just a coincidence. One has to trust that a zombie would never act in a bigoted or prejudiced way.

  When you come right down to it, you always lose when you treat people differently based on how they look or what they make. You create hate in the world, sure, but you also make yourself less effective, less adaptable, and you decrease your own chances for getting what you want in life.

  It’s great that governments, corporations, and schools are catching on to the fact that diversity is a strength. But credit where credit is due. It’s a rule that zombies have been playing by since the beginning of time.

  Remember:

  A zombie treats everybody the same, regardless of race, religion, income, or other factors.

  A zombie also doesn’t worry about appearing prejudiced when its actions coincidentally line up with historical prejudices (e.g., an Indian zombie eating a Pakistani victim, or vice versa).

  Above all, a zombie understands that diversity is a strength.

  5

  Pax Zombana

  World leaders are frequently (and rightly) lauded when they take steps to make a lasting impact for peace throughout the world. Truly, there can be no greater calling. Those who strive to rid the earth of war, senseless violence, and criminal atrocities deserve our highest accolades. Gandhi, King, Mandela, Carter, Bono ... The list goes on and on. Yet the most famous award for this work, the Nobel Peace Prize, has never once been bestowed upon one beyond the realm of the living.

  While it would be difficult to locate one zombie, out of all possible “living” zombies, who is most deserving of the Nobel, its recent presentation to groups like Doctors Without Borders and the Grameen Bank (as opposed to an individual person) encourages those who would like to see Zombies as a group named the winner. Not everyone likes the idea of the King of Sweden presenting his country’s highest accolade to a reanimated corpse in tails, but few can dispute the positive international effect of zombies.

  When it comes to encouraging peace and harmony, there are two ways in which zombies deserve recognition. The first is by serving as a living example of peace. (It is this idea that will constitute the lesson for this chapter.)

  The second way zombies create peace is to encourage allegiances between nations and persons. Though secondary to this chapter’s zombification lesson, it remains important to point out that zombies, by their very presence in any substantial number, have contributed to the disappearance of prejudices and the formation of new peaceful alliances ... namely, alliances against zombies. Throughout history, many a warring nation-state, when faced with a rampaging zombie horde, has called for a cease fire, and literally combined forces with its historical enemies to present a united force against the undead. Are zombies credited with inspiring this cooperation and good feeling (which can last years after the zombies are defeated)? Almost never, and never adequately.

  On a micro-level, zombies have long helped small groups of people put aside personal squabbles, forge lasting bonds (sometimes even romantic ones worthy of an R-rating), and usher in a cooperative zeal. For example, family reunions are often filled with bickering, malice, and silent loathing. Have a detachment of zombies attack that same family reunion, and you’re going to see teamwork, bonding, and the casting aside of old grudges as the family combines forces to protect their small rural farmhouse from the hungry invaders. Zombies have a way of putting things into perspective for people. A drunk brother-in-law or a spinster aunt’s constantly needling can appear substantially less oppressive when brain-eating corpses begin to lay siege.

  On a macro-level, we see zombies helping to build community and forge alliances between all types of people. Nations that have been at war for generations often find their citizens suckling at the teat of the myth of historical oppression. “Why do things suck so much? Because of Country X, our historical oppressors!” (When in truth, life usually just sucks all the time, and for no reason.) This myth that the suckiness of life is somebody (or some country’s fault) will inspire generation after generation into comba
t. The spell of the myth can only be lifted when a real, honest threat, that actually has the potential to make your life suck—like by eating you—shambles onto the battlefield. Throughout time, historical enemies have set aside their differences to build coalitions against a common enemy. And brother, there’s no enemy more common than zombies.

  So whether it’s coalition-building between empires or a rural scuffle that makes one family remember how much it has in common after all, zombies inspire humans to unity and solidarity better than almost anything.

  Our present concern, however, is the positive way in which zombies comport themselves within the community of zombies. Namely, in perfect peace.

  Ask yourself, of the many discouraging crime statistics paraded by the media, did you ever hear of a problem of “zombie-on-zombie” violence?

  Did you ever hear of any zombie-on-zombie violence at all, ever?