The Potential of Zeroes

by Eric Mattys

  The Potential of Zeroes. Copyright © 2018 by Eric Mattys. All Rights Reserved. No other part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from Eric Mattys. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact ericmattys@gmail.com.

  The characters in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons is not intended by the author. Where names of real places, corporations, institutions, and public figures are projected onto this fictitious world, they are intended to denote only fictitious events, not anything presently real.

  ISBN: 978-1-54393-253-9 (print)

  ISBN: 978-1-54393-254-6 (ebook)

  Contents

  The Look-Away Game

  Brownies and Secret Lady Handshakes

  A .38 and a 44

  Confrontation with Silence

  A Fake Pregnancy

  The Children’s Santa Rebellion

  The Future is Now

  Sunday School

  Love Hypotheses

  Singles Group

  Colonial Neighbors

  Trigger

  Bums

  Mumbai Mack

  A Night on the Town

  Brownies

  IED

  Urban Quests

  MacDonald’s Slide

  Venus Fly Trap

  On Ugliness

  Zeroes

  On Vanity

  Smoothness

  Back from Iraq

  Eye Contact

  Queen

  Changing the Channel

  Door to Door Sales

  Searching for Plants

  Selling Out

  Game Show Host

  On the Way to Work

  Dreaming in Light Blue

  Shuddering

  Eating Alone

  Stencils and Cops

  Agents Everywhere

  A Real Threat

  Nothing on the Other Side

  Invincibility

  Cereal

  Parachute

  The Tobacconist

  Fate and Rotation

  Fresh

  Things Really Come Together

  End Times

  Aftermath

  Live Audience255Appendix A: Mew’s Precepts

  Appendix B: Max’s Moral Justifiability Scale (MMJS)

  Appendix C: Gustave’s Presidential Platform

  1

  The Look-Away Game

  Before he made friends with inanimate objects in the hospital, he carried a sign with him everywhere he went, which said, “I am the greatest single threat to this world.” And on the other side it said, “Please do not let me speak or else you will all regret it. Sincerely, Doobie Hugh Lyte.” One shoe on and one shoe off, the empty shoe collected the pity, fear, or aimless faith of the few in the form of small change. Most passersby paid him no mind or looked away. They must’ve had some mission statement with out-of-sight ends that allowed them to ignore him. Simple directives. Check phone. Walk to the place. Look at safe things. Ignore ugly things like homeless people. Sip overpriced coffee. Look too busy for human contact.

  But maybe mission statements weren’t his real competitor. Maybe it was Colfax Avenue’s endless promises of self-gratification; colorful signs pointing to payday loans, naked pleasures, and gritty, alcoholic oases harboring individuals as tattooed as the buildings were graffitied. So much to distract the eyes.

  Whatever the cause, passersby still all played the same look-away game which involved averting eye contact so as to deny the extreme weight of caring. He never won; he was the object to avert. How could he win when his caring weighed so much that he sacrificed his own voice? The game did, however, grant him the privilege of thoroughly examining any stranger, which, in his talking days, he never did.

  He remembered his father’s voice.

  “Mornin’, son. Lookin’ to medicate?”

  Doobie shook his head.

  “More for me.” Doobie’s father took a lighter and sparked a tiny bowl of marijuana to life.

  Doobie’s mother snapped, “Now Olson, how many times do I have to tell you not to do that in front of the kids?”

  His voice sounded cloudy as he exhaled the smoke. “Well there’s no space for it at work and I gotta get there in less than an hour. Besides, all these people sayin’ it ain’t healthy don’t know what they’re talkin’ about. I got these herniated discs in my back and this stuff makes me forget all about it.”

  “But our kids’ little brains are still growin’. They don’t need to be forgettin’ anything.”

  “Where am I s’posed ta go, Leena? Our kids run ‘round here like stray cats.” He paused and whispered under his breath, “Didn’t ask to be father of seven, ya’ know.”

  “Olson! Are you sayin’ we shoulda blocked God’s love? You know what the church says about…” She paused and whispered, “...condoms an’ such.”

  He sighed. “I know. I know. ‘Condoms are the devil’s underwear.’ ...an’ we gotta go out an’ be fruitful…” His bloodshot eyes peered dreamily. “I do like bein’ fruitful with you, Honey.”

  Doobie grew up with three brothers, Flash, Red, and Laz, and three sisters, Feather, Sky, and Muñia. His last name was Lyte. His parents thought they were funny.

  His father asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. Doobie said he wanted to be a starving artist. That was the first time he saw the future.

  Not long after that, he left home and enhanced his vision of the future with the LSD he stole from the top shelf of his dad’s bookcase. One vision haunted him and flashed again and again throughout his life. He saw himself dancing in a way that almost hurt his head to watch, as if every part of his body was a sex organ stimulated by its own, unique rhythm. In the middle of a narrow street with cars packed in on both sides, his body gyrated while waving a gun aimlessly in the air. He saw his mouth frantically screaming, but his lips were not clear enough to read.

  The only thing he knew was that after he spoke, pure black clouds ripped across a crimson sky like the inverse of lightning, leaving everything known in the dark. Before anyone could react, an unusual number of stars appeared, but they were nothing like the stars any astronomer ever studied because these stars refused to twinkle quietly in their corner of the sky; they blossomed carnivorously. Every rooftop, every gutter, every exposed object, every conscious eye on the planet attained an illumination emanating not from one single source, but from all horizons and everywhere in between. The stars that stayed silent in the day screamed louder than the sun and crashed toward the Earth.

  For one moment, he felt all this could last. All this brightness may never end, but as soon as he thought the word “end,” he felt himself getting hotter, and all the illumination trampled him mercilessly. Plates of cement, stones, steel, blades of cut grass, trees, insects, and persons overexposed themselves into a blown-out, super-white-hot pain until he had to slam his eyes shut. Visual obstruction failed to help him because as soon as he closed his eyes, he envisioned what must be going on outside his realm of perception. Buildings decomposed. Trees obliterated to dust. Cats and squirrels and people went from scampering beings to melting wax to trembling skeletons to ashes howling in a wind of flame, which he heard as screaming, screaming, screaming from every living being. His fear overtook him, but as soon as he realized he was able to be afraid, he concluded his vision to be a future piece in the puzzle of his perceived existence.

  If this is what talking did, talking wa
s out of the question. So he carried his sign with him everywhere he went to convince people not to talk to him, so that he would not speak, so that he could not cremate all life on the planet.

  Perhaps he would have prevented the end indefinitely if he had been capable of dealing with his own isolation. For the first year on the street, he did not say anything. By the time the second year entrapped him, he ached for a conversation. He dreamed about talking with people.

  He would say: The sun is nice.

  And then someone else would say: Yep.

  Then he would say: The sun is so nice that I wish I were a piece of chocolate melting in it for all of time.

  And then someone else would say: That’s sweet.

  And as soon as the person put the “t” on sweet, the inverse lightning would ensue, and the out-of-place stars would fall and animals would melt, and he would have to breathe deep to regain control of his racing heartbeat as he thanked himself for not actually speaking.

  He saw people walking down the street, and he wanted to tell them they were beautiful. He wanted to say, “Ma’am, your curves are flawless, and I wish I could make a stencil of your body and spray-paint you across the sky just so everyone could see.” He wanted to say, “Sir, your straight lines are like lasers that tear paths through mountains. Be careful where you point those things.” He wanted to say, “Earth, please swallow me whole, and don’t process me because I want to see what your stomach looks like so you might belch out my dying thoughts.”

  He spoke to trees, telepathically, of course. Telepathy involved staring at a tree intently for several hours from a few inches away, but this did not help his extreme loneliness because the tree’s reason for existence was not to transmit any of its own thoughts. Without sharing, reality became a swarm of mosquitoes out of reach and sucking his blood. He did not want to live in a world void of words. So when he found a discarded steak knife behind the Denver Diner, he saw a shimmering key that would open the door to a place he had never been and save the world all at the same time.

  The blade reflected the blue sky while the wooden handle splintered. In his hands, the knife had a new reason for existence. He casually set the tip of the blade on the midpoint of his forearm and drove it in suddenly. Crimson rivulets dripped from his elbows. The contrast of blood on blank skin seemed aesthetically pleasing. No reason came for him to stop with his forearm. So he took the tip, put it at his neck, and let it slide up. He didn’t see the blood that time. He woke up in the psychiatric hospital. Someone must’ve refused to look away.

  2

  Brownies and Secret Lady Handshakes

  Terese pulls a batch out of the oven. These will make someone’s world better. Brownies for the homeless. Grandma Gene would be proud. But probably less proud of the grungy basement apartment, being unmarried, living with two boyish men, and putting hands on strangers for a living. She might frown on this cutoff tank top with no bra that says “peace is sexy” written in fabric paint and the Clark Kent haircut with no makeup. But it’s okay; Grandma Gene is dead. Her voice is a little haunting though, only because all of her social norms seem so backward and outdated a mere forty years later. What will social norms be like forty years from now? Maybe feminism will be antiquated. What would be next? Matriarchy. Mmmm hmmm. Terese cuts the brownies into equally sized squares. It’s important to be equitable when dealing with the homeless. Sharing a basement apartment with two dudes, same deal.

  There’s no sex stuff going on in this basement apartment. Putting that into “Mom terms” was no easy task when Mom cosigned on the rental agreement. Max would probably spring for it (it being sex stuff), but it’d be more hassle than it’s worth. He can be pretty self-righteous, and he doesn’t seem okay with his one-arm situation. Bartholomew, who goes by Mew, is possibly still a virgin? Thoughtful to a fault with no sexual vibe. They’re probably waiting for a supermodel to make all their dreams come true or something. Probably be a very long wait. It’d be terrible to be a supermodel, all vapid and unassuming, thinking that people are all nice and compassionate because that’s all their pretty face ever knew. Or maybe worse, never being able to trust what people say without asking, “Is it because I’m pretty?” Don’t have to worry about that. Whatever it is in this basement between the three of us, it feels real enough, safe enough.

  Terese brings a square of her homemade goodness to her mouth, and a big piece oozes off and lands on her jeans. “Damn it,” she shouts, wiping away the excess. A stain still remains. “These are my favorite jeans!”

  From the living room couch, Max responds, “One thousand washing machines will thank you for your misfortune, Terese. The question is, which one will you choose?” Slouching on the couch staring at the television, he sees himself in a mirror resting on the wall next to the entertainment center. He pushes his hair back off his forehead revealing a widow’s peak and distinct wrinkles in his skin around his eyes and forehead. Time has done a little number. There is no going gently into any middle-aged night. Shoulders aren’t even because of the missing arm. Used to have a lot more hair. That’s just the greasiness, though. It makes it look thinner. Not gonna shower. It’s a morning without work. Why put on the salesman superficiality for friends. Smile as if living forever. Smile lines are way better than wrinkles.

  Terese sighs loud enough for Max and Bartholomew to hear. “If I had a thousand washing machines, I’d probably have someone to do my laundry.” She walks into her bedroom to change her pants. “But I don’t have a thousand laundry machines, and I don’t have someone to do my laundry.”

  “First world problems,” Mew interjects. “I guess life is just really hard, Terese.” He rests his arm on the corner of the couch with a VCR remote in his other hand. An old episode of The Simpsons plays on the television. A commercial comes on. He hits the fast forward button, silencing the basement for a moment. Just say “no” to commercials. They’re for bland people. Can’t afford to be bland. If you’re not different, you’re not valuable. He glances at what he’s wearing. These clothes are too normal; jeans; flip-flop sandals; a button down shirt serving as a remnant of a square life let go. If appearances are a commodity, what’s this look worth? Nothing distinguishable from any other twenty-something in the greater Denver area. It’s probably stupid to care when no one else seems to. The commercials end. Mew takes his finger off the fast-forward button.

  Terese shakes her head. “The struggle is real.”

  Max replies, “But so easily solvable.”

  She throws the brownied jeans, hitting Max in the face. “Solve it then.”

  Max finds the chocolate stain and starts scratching off the chocolate. “Leave it to you to make a cripple do your dirty laundry.”

  From in her bedroom, “Pfff. You’d never do my laundry, even if you had both your arms.”

  Max takes a nibble of the chocolate from his scrapings. “What do you think I’m doing right now?”

  Terese guffaws. “Apparently, you’re feeding a chocolate addiction via my pants.”

  “You know, maybe things would’ve been different, Terese...” Max bites his lower lip and whispers, “... if it hadn’t been for that horrific laundry machine incident.”

  Mew shakes his head, keeping his eyes on the TV and says, “Here we go again with another one of these.”

  “Back before I was a salesman, and I had two arms, I had been seeing a woman for nearly a year, and for the entire time that we were dating, she would never let me do the laundry at her place. I would offer, and she would immediately say, ‘Don’t worry, dear. I’ll take care of it.’ No matter what the conditions. Caked on mud from mountain biking? ‘Don’t worry, dear. I’ll take care of it.’ Bodily fluids on the sheets post coitus?”

  Terese groans.

  But Max continues, “‘Don’t worry, dear. I’ll take care of it.’ After dating this woman for nearly a year, I had never even seen her laundry room. And, as a modern, mal
e feminist, I figured it’s probably my turn to start doing some laundry. Thought it would be a good one-year anniversary thing to do.”

  Terese shakes her head. “Pretty sure that’s not how feminism works.”

  “So, I venture down to the only finished room in her basement, and what do I see? A lady cave of man muscle and a nearly ancient washer and dryer. She has pictures of hulky, shirtless dudes posted all over and attached to a very off-balance dryer is a... pleasure device.”

  Mew pipes up without breaking eye contact with the TV. “Ya’know, you must’ve been quite the oblivious lover for her to be doing so much laundry.”

  Max continues, “AND being the curious cat that I am, I turn the dryer on. The leg of the off-balance washer falls on my toe. I yelp and start hopping around in pain, my flailing arms hit the spin cycle. I slip on some silk underwear, and as I reach to catch myself, my arm goes in the spin cycle and I’m never the same after that.” Max throws Terese’s pants on the floor dramatically. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do any laundry ever again in my entire life.” He picks up the pants again looking for any chocolate remnants.

  Without looking away from the television, Mew shakes his head. “Not believable. You lost me at ‘pleasure device.’ Plus, laundry machines have, like, safety mechanisms. Definitely a fake.”

  “You don’t like that one?”

  From the kitchen, Terese replies, “You lost me at the lady cave of man muscle. Ladies aren’t like that.”

  Max puts down the now less-chocolified pants. “Really? You’re gonna make a generalization about all ladies?”

  “Maybe you’re right. I can’t speak for all ladies, but it doesn’t add up that the girlfriend from your story would fantasize about super buff dudes but be dating your lanky ass. And I am more qualified to make generalizations about ladies because I am one, and we talk to each other differently than we talk to men, which means there’s all kinds of things that you just can’t and won’t know about us.”

  Mew hits the fast forward button again and the basement feels quiet for a moment before Mew asks, “Are there, like, secret lady handshakes?”