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The Potential of Zeroes

Page 24

by Eric Mattys


  All this becomes bearable, acceptable, agreeable as long as he adhered to his precepts because, maybe, if he had them, maybe everyone else had them, too. Precept number nine saved him because he could not prove his moral code would save him. As long as he did not say it out loud, he could believe whatever he wanted. His deep-sea suit remained impenetrable.

  Appendix B:

  Max’s Moral Justifiability Scale (MMJS)

  To do or not to do...

  Factor 1: Originality

  0 - A celebrity said it would get you laid.

  1 - A friend told you to do it.

  2 - No one told you to do it.

  3 - You’ve only done it a couple times and it

  pushed your boundaries.

  4 - You saw somebody else do it.

  5 - You’ve never done it before.

  6 - You’ve never done it before and it

  stimulates positive change.

  7 - You’ve never done it before and it

  challenges societal norms.

  8 - No one’s ever done it before.

  9 - No one’s ever done it before and it

  stimulates positive change.

  10 - Nothing comes up when you google it.

  Factor 2: Risk in Dollars, Jailtime, and Bodily Harm

  0 - There is no risk in dollars, jailtime, nor

  bodily harm.

  1 - Might be illegal in a repressive society

  2 - Definitely illegal in a repressive society

  3 - There’s less than $100 at risk in fines

  4 - There’s more than $100 at risk in fines

  5 or 6 - You’re really sticking it to the man

  7 - You’re sticking it to the man so much so

  that jail time is possible.

  8 - $100, possible jail time, and mild

  bodily harm

  9 - $100, jail time, bodily harm, and possible death

  10 - Suicide mission involving heroic rescue

  or broadcast

  Factor 3: Human Benefit

  -5 - Harmful to Life (other than your own)

  0 - No benefit to humanity

  5 - Makes the world a better place

  If the total score is above 15 it’s probably morally justifiable.

  Appendix C:

  Gustave’s Presidential Platform

  All individuals will be neutered at the time of puberty.

  Only the financially successful with be allowed to reproduce.

  All breeders will be taxed based on the number of children they have.

  High school graduation requirement: Invent something.

  College graduation requirement: Get people to buy your invention.

  If you don’t earn a high school or college degree, go to a trade school.

  All religions will be taxed as corporations.

  All corporations will be taxed 35% of net profits.

  All individuals will be have their income taxed at 8%.

  All elected positions will have a two-term limit.

  Every lethal bullet produced will carry $1000 tax to be paid at the time of purchase.

  All drugs will be decriminalized and taxed.

  www.ericmattys.com

  About the Author

  Most everything you need to know about this man may be surmised from the above photo. In case your senses are not as keen, I shall spell it out for you. Eric Mattys is a titan of business, acutely aware of his professional appearance. For the past twenty-six years, Mr. Mattys served as the spokesman for the Titans of Business, Bureaucracy, and Infomercials. (You probably missed their crest, which is stamped on the gravy dish he’s holding. It’s very small.) He started his career as an infomercial man for assorted kitchenware (hence, the gravy dish). The infomercial division promoted him after he took an on-the-air stand against the unprofessional appearance of the studio audience. He’s a man of stringent ethics and unrelenting order. He went to Harvard, Yale, and Stanford and graduated from Oxford (note: this, you might not be able to deduce from the photo, but you should because he has that Oxford look). He loves cats (what else would he be smiling about?). His cat’s name is Cancer (obviously!). He refuses to spay and neuter because he does not trust Bob Barker and he advocates every cat’s right to life. Cancer was a gift from the Titans of Business, Bureaucracy, and Infomercials (Cancer also has the crest of the Titans of Business, Bureaucracy, and Infomercials shaved into his lovely fur jacket). Mr. Mattys refuses to regulate Cancer’s offspring which he happily lets live free-range-style in his backyard. He lives adjacent to a major highway, records music as EatSleepSexDie, and teaches science in Colorado. Also, Eric Mattys wants you to pour gravy on your head.

 

 

 


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