“Brandon, you’ve got to get outta here!” Neil shouts over to me, and I know he’s right. This isn’t gonna go well for me if I stick around. It’ll only take for them to look at my rap sheet, and they’ll be hauling my ass straight back to jail.
“Listen, we’ll deal with that guy. Take Alexis back to your place and we’ll call you when we’re done, okay?” Ryan asks, and I nod. He’s right. Yeah. Yeah, I’ve gotta get outta here. I head straight over to Alexis, and place my hand firmly on her shoulder, pushing her over the street.
I move my hand, and tighten my grip on her waist, ushering her toward another alleyway on the other side, “Get your hands off of me!” She’s shouting, but I really don’t have the time for this.
“Alexis, we need to get outta here,” I tell her, keeping my eyes focused right ahead as she keeps trying to escape from the hold I have on her. “Please just—”
“What’s your problem, Brandon? Your girlfriend was busy tonight so you thought you’d settle for poor, innocent, and naïve little Alexis to fill your time?” She really has no fucking idea. What? My girlfriends busy being dead? I pause halfway down the alleyway, and swing around to face her.
I drop my head low and shake my head. She’s eighteen years old, not fucking nine. She took a drink from a complete stranger. Am I angry? No, I’m fucking livid, “Naïve is definitely how I’d describe you right now.”
“You’re right! I am, because I actually believed every goddamn word that came out of your mouth!” she’s upset, I can hear it in her voice, and she pulls away from me. I watch her as she goes to lean against one of the buildings. “How could I have been so wrong?” Her voice is quieter now, and she slides down the wall until she’s sitting on the ground.
“You accepted a drink from a guy you don’t even know!” I shout in anger, and throw my hands in the air through pure exasperation. “I never thought you would be so—”
“Stupid? I totally agree! If I’d have just walked away …” Too little, too late. I watch as she stands back up, and then see her hesitantly walk over to me. I narrow my eyes on her, and when she gets too close, my whole body tenses. She places her hands on the wall behind me, and she’s close. Really fucking close. Her eyes are boring directly into mine, and I know I should, but I can’t manage to rip mine away.
“If I’d only walked away when you’d offered me the champagne at the ball,” she whispers, and up until this point I hadn’t realized she was talking about me. She’s got it all wrong. My gaze lowers until I’m staring directly at her lips. They’re one, maybe two inches away from mine. “Then I wouldn’t be standing here right now, wishing that I was the one who was your girlfriend.”
I stare right into her eyes as her lips brush lightly across mine. No. Don’t do it, beautiful. Not a good idea. Do I wanna kiss her? No. Yes. Maybe. Dammit! I pull away and close my eyes. She wishes she was my girlfriend? She almost ended up in the same place as her. My chest aches and my stomach rolls. She’s still too close.
“You really don’t know what you’re wishing for, beautiful.” I whisper, and grip her waist, backing her up until I have her pinned up against the opposite wall. Yeah, I need to kiss her. Kissing her makes it all better. It makes everything go away. “I wasn’t expecting—”
“It’s all done, we managed to …” I immediately step away when I hear Rye’s voice, and turn around so I’m no longer facing her. Almost. Al-fucking-most. I lift my hand up behind my neck, and tilt my head back while trying to get my breathing back under control, and my thoughts. “Were you …?” I turn around, and see him pointing his finger between me and Alexis. Nice timing again, bro. Good timing.
“Guys listen, thanks for helping me out with that. I … I need to get going,” I head down the alley and toward the sidewalk, not once looking her way while sliding my hands in the back pockets of my pants. Tonight she made me feel things I never wanted to ever experience again. Good things, and bad.
I walked for a few minutes before making the call to Neil. He needed to know what went down tonight. They all did. At first, I thought the worst. I thought something bad was gonna happen. When I saw her stumble to the ground, and when she couldn’t form a complete sentence, I thought that history was repeating itself all over again.
Chapter Eight
A: Neil told me. I’m here. Alex. X
I’ve been staring at this same message for the past thirty minutes.
Would I have preferred it if she didn’t know about Holly or what happened back in Olympia? Yeah, I would’ve, but after what happened last night she was bound to have questions, and it wouldn’t have been fair to not give her at least some of the answers.
When I walked away from the three of them, I headed straight to the cemetery. I needed to go and sit with Holls because that thing with the drink brought it all back. No, I know. It wasn’t the same, but it could’ve been. I kept getting flashbacks of that night in my mind, and I couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard I tried to block them out. It was different this time, though. Instead of seeing just Holly’s face, I also saw Alexis’, and it scared me. A lot. Most probably more than it should’ve.
Rye called me not long after I’d walked away from them, and I can’t explain how thankful I was when he told me Alexis hadn’t touched the drink. She didn’t even take a sip. I was so sure that she had that I’d been cursing her in my mind for a long time afterward. I called Neil and told him what I saw, and because both he and Rye know everything about me and what happened back in Olympia, Rye came looking for me to make sure I was okay. I tell you, great guys. I honestly couldn’t wish for better friends.
I stayed with Holly for hours. I didn’t speak, I just rested against her headstone in a daze. Who did I happen to see this morning before I left? Yep. Alexis. We actually walked back to campus together, but we didn’t talk. I couldn’t, but she didn’t seem to mind.
Have I replied to her message yet? No. No, I haven’t. From the way it’s written it sounds like she wants to be there for me. Yeah, crazy, right? I’ve been a total ass to her, but she still wants to get to know me and be my friend. You wanna know what I’m afraid of? I’m afraid that she’s gonna understand and be there for me. But the thing that I’m afraid of the most is that I’ll let her. I’ll let her get close. Then, I’ll wanna kiss her. Maybe touch her a little. Maybe even have sex with her. No, not sex. Make love to her. Fuck.
Since I stopped staring at the message she sent, I’ve been staring at her bedroom door instead. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Yeah, I’m sitting on the couch that’s directly opposite to her room. You see, I received a call earlier today from Brad, and he told me there’s a couple of guys he knows that are able to get some information from a friend of theirs. Okay, I understand. A friend of a friend of a friend and all that jazz, but one of the friends works in the local police department, and it just so happens he has access to the database. Now, I don’t know a lot about all that stuff, but it sounded pretty big. The only problem? They’re based in Olympia. Yeah. Exactly. Anyways, because Rye and Neil offered to help, I asked if they’d do me a small favor and go over there to collect the file, and that’s where they are now.
Taking a deep breath, I push myself off of the couch and place the now empty bottle of beer down on the coffee table. If she’s sleeping then I don’t wanna wake her, but at the same time, I want her to know that I was here. I just wanna make sure she’s okay, that’s all.
I head over to the door, but my attempts at knocking seem to go unnoticed. Gently turning the handle, I push the door open and peek my head inside. Darkness. Yeah, she’s sleeping. I can hear her even breaths, and though I know I should close the door back up, I don’t, at least, not until I’m on the inside.
Though it’s dark in here, there’s a little light shining through the window that’s directly opposite her door, and I can make out the outline of her body in the center of the double bed. I take hesitant steps over before gently sitting down on the edge of the bed beside her. I don’t wanna disturb her be
cause Rye told me earlier that she didn’t manage to catch a lot of sleep last night herself.
She’s sound asleep. Yeah, maybe I should go. And yet, I’m still here, watching her and leaning in closer. Well, she’s certainly a lot quieter now than she was when she stayed over at my place the other night. I smile when I remember the sounds she made in her sleep. She was loud, but then there were a couple of times when she sounded just plain sweet.
I reach over and brush the back of my hand gently over her cheek, but in the next instant, light fills the room. Shit. Good job, Brandon. You just woke her.
She’s reached over and switched on the table lamp, and I see she’s blinking a few times while her eyes adjust to the lighting. She’s looking slightly alarmed, “Hey,” I whisper, and twist around until I’m fully facing her. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” I offer her a small smile, and shift over until I’m even closer to her.
“Wake me, or scare me?” she asks, and I watch as she starts to rub her eyes. “I didn’t think you would … I mean, earlier, you said you couldn’t …” She sits herself up a little straighter, and her voice is sounding pretty rough. No. Not rough. Sexy. Stop it. “I wasn’t expecting to wake up and see you here. How did you get in?” Wow, she’s been awake for the best part of thirty seconds, and she’s already starting to fire questions my way. I laugh at her obvious confusion, but I have to admit that she looks and sounds kinda cute when she’s just woken up.
“When I said I couldn’t do this, it was because I didn’t know ...” Should I just tell her the truth? Yeah, I think I should. She knows more than she did before, so I think she’ll understand the whats, the ifs, and the whys. I run my hands over my face a couple of times, and let out a deep breath. “Dammit, Alexis! I didn’t know whether I wanted to thank you, scream at you, or fucking grab a hold of you and squeeze you so fucking tight out of relief that you’re safe!” I throw my arms in the air through my pure frustration. Mixed feelings? Yeah, welcome to my world. “But when I went home, I kept thinking about everything and figured that it didn’t matter anyway because the main thing is you’re here, and you’re okay.” She was one of the lucky ones. I turn my head to the side, and stare down at the floor.
“I think I’m missing something here because the last thing you should be doing is thanking me,” she says, sitting herself forward, and moving the covers away from her body. Oh, okay. Yeah. She’s wearing a small, striped, light blue nightshirt that barely covers the top of her thighs. Nice. Shit. Stop looking. She moves closer until she’s kneeling right beside me. “After the way you risked being put back in a cell from my stupidity, it should be me thanking you.” Well, that’s one thing I guess. It’s good to know that she realizes she was stupidly naive.
I glance over my shoulder, and see her sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. I turn myself around until I'm mirroring her position, my leg almost brushing with hers, “You told Neil about what you saw the other day. You got it all wrong, but I don’t blame you for jumping to your own conclusions, almost everybody else has. If you hadn’t told him, then I wouldn’t have him and Ryan helping me right now.”
“They’re helping you? How?” she asks, but I notice her face fall, so I’m guessing they already told her this part. “Oh.”
“They left around an hour ago. I called Neil a little earlier today and asked if he could go and pick something up for me. I came by to drop off the details, and Ryan told me I should speak with you, so here I am.” Yeah, he did. He told me that I like her. Yeah, like he had to tell me this information. It’s hardly news, right? Right.
“Neil told me about your girlfriend. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know and …” She says this with a sorrowful look in her eyes, but how would she have known, and why is she even apologizing?
I shake my head and close my eyes, bringing my hands behind the back of my neck while I let out a deep sigh, “I wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the details, Alexis.” I tell her, reopen my eyes, and then reach my right hand toward her, brushing my fingers lightly over her knee.
“Did her drink get spiked too? Like mine? Is that why you reacted the way you did at the bar?” I close my eyes again, and run my fingers through my hair. I guess it’s time to let her in. Maybe it’ll help, but then again, maybe it won’t.
“Alexis, it was entirely my fault,” I sit forward, inching closer to her. I don’t know why, but being near to her makes things seem better; less hard to deal with. “If I’d just stayed with her …” I squeeze my eyes closed when I see the images of Holly smiling at me from the side of the stage, a few minutes before I saw her … like that. A warmth spreads over my hand, and when I look down, I see Alexis’ hand over mine. “A friend of mine had a band. They were playing at a local event and needed a last minute replacement for the lead singer, so they asked me to fill in.” I start to explain. I haven’t spoken about this for a very long fucking time.
“You sing?”
I let out a deep exhale and shake my head, “I sang. Past tense. I don’t sing anymore. I haven’t since the night it happened.” I swallow, hard, when the lyrics of the song I sang start ringing out in my ears. She was there. She was right there, and I was singing to her, but as the song finished, I noticed she was gone.
“What did happen?” she asks as she moves closer, and I notice her eyes trying to search mine, like she thinks she’s gonna be able to read my thoughts or something. “What was her name?”
“Holly. Her name is … was … Holly,” I move off of her bed, and start pacing the full length of the room. “I looked for her when our set finished, but I couldn’t see her anywhere. It was too noisy in the club, so I went outside to call her. When I was outside, I heard her cell phone ringing from a side alley, and when I looked … Shit, Alexis, she looked so fucking scared, and I didn’t know what was wrong!”
I stop walking and start grabbing fistfuls of my hair, trying to pull the images and the sound of her pleading voice from out of my mind. Brandon. Brandon help me. Brandon, I’m sorry. I’m … Brandon. I … I … “She was all alone, and I ran straight over to her … she was so pale. That’s when I saw the needle hanging out of her arm … It was then that I realized she was overdosing. She kept saying my name, over and over and over again!”
“Was she a user?”
Is she serious? “No! She never touched any of that shit! I ripped the needle out of her arm and dialed 911. She was trying to speak … she looked so afraid, but then she started convulsing and … I kept calling out for someone to come and help her, for someone to come and help us! Dammit, Alexis, I couldn’t help her!” And, this is why I don’t talk about it. It’s too hard, and it hurts like hell. I rest my face in my hands, and realize my face is wet. I wipe my hands over my eyes and take a deep breath. “I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the sidewalk. I could see the ambulance’s lights flashing as they headed toward us, but it was too late … It was too fucking late because the next thing I saw was the light in her eyes dwindling and her lips darkening … I kept calling for her to come back to me! I tried … I fucking tried to get her to come back to me!” My legs give way, and the next thing I know, I’m kneeling on the floor, my whole body uncontrollably shaking. “And then she took her last breath, she took her final breath in my fucking arms!” She died in my arms. I was the last person she saw. I was the one who was supposed to save her.
I can’t control them, not anymore. Everything’s flooding back. All the feelings, sounds, and images from that night. I can hear her now, begging for me to save her. Her hands were grasping at my shirt and face, she was fighting, but I knew in the very moment her grip loosened that she was losing her fight to stay awake. I lost her, and I’m never gonna see her again.
Alexis is knelt down in front of me, and wrapping her arms around my shoulders, pulling me close. I don’t stop her. I can’t. It’s taken me eighteen months to finally speak about what I saw that night.
She’s offering me a shoulder to cry on, and I take it. Her skin is even wet from the
tears I couldn’t hold in any longer. Shit.
She’s running her hands through my hair, and it feels good. I don’t know how long we’ve been like this, but I’m finally managing to calm my breaths and able to lock all the memories to the back of my mind again. I wanna see the carefree, smiling, fun-loving Holly, not the one who was losing her battle to stay alive.
“I’m sorry, Alexis,” I say, and pull away from her warmth. Her comfort. It’s something that I need. Something that I crave. But, it’s something I can’t have, because it’s not mine to take. Her eyes are red, and she looks like she’s been crying. “I didn’t mean to …” She places her index finger lightly on my lips, hushing me. Her eyes are searching mine again, and I know I’ve gotta get outta here.
I wipe my hands over my eyes a couple of times as I stand, and then rest them on my waist. Alexis is looking right at me, still sitting on the floor, now resting back on her heels. She looks tired. No. Exhausted, and her eyes are displaying her sadness. Yeah, well, now you know. “You look tired. I shouldn’t have disturbed you. I’m sorry.” I reach into my pants pocket for my dorm keys and head straight for the door. “Go back to sleep.” I say over my shoulder with a tight smile.
“Stay with me?” I pause by the door when I hear her ask me this. She wants me to stay? Why? I can’t give her anything else. She looks how I feel. Drained. I turn my whole body back around and see that she’s watching me, with anxiety filling her eyes. “It’s just I don’t want you to go just yet, please?” Her tone is pleading, and she’s waiting for an answer.
I briefly glance to the bed before bringing my eyes back solely on her. She wants me to stay, but do I wanna? Can I? Should I? Being this close to her is hard enough, but if I stay then we’re gonna get closer, I know we are. The temptation to touch her, to kiss her, will be too much.
Misguided Truths: Part Two (Misjudged) Page 12