I cautiously walk over and offer my hand out to her, helping her back onto her feet before bringing my hand just high enough to cup her jaw, stroking my thumb tenderly over her cheek. If I say no then she’s gonna be upset, but if I say yes then it’ll mean that I’m finally allowing somebody in. Alexis. I’ll be letting her in, “I really don’t know if that’s a good idea, beautiful.”
She brings her hands up to my face, and delicately strokes the remaining tears away from my eyes with her thumbs. Damn. Why does she have to be so goddamn beautiful? I lean forward, and rest my forehead against hers. See? It’s not a good idea to be this close to her. I close my eyes, and wrap my arms around her waist. I always wanted to be distracted. I yearned to be pulled away from all the painful memories I hold. But, you wanna know what I’ve just realized? She’s my distraction.
“I’m afraid that if you leave now, then … I’m scared you won’t let me in, and you’ll push me away.” She whispers as she wraps her arms up and around my neck while I squeeze her waist. She’s so fucking damn close.
Honesty. I’m gonna have to go for honestly here, “And I’m scared,” I whisper back, “I’m scared of what and how I’ll feel if I let you in.” I remove my hands from her waist, take a step back, slide my fingers through my hair again, and take a deep breath before turning away from her. Do I wanna be on my own tonight, knowing that I had the opportunity to stay with her and have her lying beside me? Will I regret not staying, or will I have regrets tomorrow if I do? Alright, I think I know what’s gonna happen. Either way, I’m gonna be regretful, so I’ll go for the easier option.
“I’ll stay,” I nod once, and then turn back to face her. Her shoulders relax, and I see a small smile appearing over her face, but I haven’t finished what I was gonna say. “But only until you fall asleep.” Only until she falls asleep.
She walks over to the right side of the bed, and I make my way around to the left. I don’t think that now is really the time to bring up that I always always prefer the right side. I watch her sit on the edge of the bed, and grab the bottom of my shirt, bringing it over my head before taking it over and folding it down on the chair by her desk.
When I turn back around, I see she’s watching me, but she immediately looks away when she notices that I caught her again. She’s leaning back against the pillows, and her legs are stretched out in front. It might’ve made this a little easier if she was wearing more than what she actually is. Yeah, I need to quit looking at those legs of hers, and I really wish I hadn’t just noticed that her shirt has crept up, and I can see all the way to—look away. Look the fuck away.
I grab the blanket and climb on the bed, bringing it over us until it’s waist high. She throws me a small smile and reaches for the table lamp, switching it off before snuggling down underneath the blanket. The bed shifts, and I see her turning onto her side until she’s right beside me. I swallow, hard, and wrap my arm around her, bringing her into me until she’s resting her face on my chest.
She wraps her arms around my waist, and nestles in until I can feel her warm breaths breezing over me. I brush my fingers up and down her arm, and continue to stare up at the ceiling, “Goodnight, Alexis,” I whisper, but she doesn’t respond. “Hey, are you sleeping already?” She can’t be. How can that even be possible?
I stroke my fingers up higher and into her hair, moving it away from her face while tilting my head to the side. Her breaths are even, and she still doesn’t answer me. I said I was only gonna stay until she fell asleep, but I think I’ll wait a few minutes to be sure she’s fully out before I leave. I’ve already disturbed her once tonight. I have no intention of doing it again.
Chapter Nine
I’ve been walking aimlessly around the city for the past couple of hours now, trying to clear my mind and rationalize my thoughts. Trying being the operative word.
I’ve gotta tell you, when I woke up this morning, I was surprised. Yeah, you read that right. I slept. I actually managed to sleep for more than five hours straight, and you wanna know something else? I didn’t wake up with sweat dripping over my face, my heart wasn’t threatening to thrash itself from out of my chest, and my breathing was most definitely not erratic. Nope. I don’t even remember having any flashbacks.
The last thing I remember was whispering a goodnight in Alexis’ ear, and when she didn’t respond, I made the decision to leave as soon as she was fully out. But, I guess I must’ve fallen asleep right afterward, and I ended up staying with her for the whole night.
My arms were wrapped firmly around her waist, and my face was buried inside the crook of her neck. It was nice. Really fucking nice. I stayed at her place right up until it got a little more complicated. She already knew about Holly, we know this, but now she also knows the reason why I’ve been the way I have been with her.
We talked right after the guys got back from Olympia this morning, and then I had to leave. I could see it in her eyes. She wanted me to kiss her. And, hell, I wanted to kiss her. She wanted me to admit that I wanna be with her, and in not so many words, I did. Christ, I even told her that I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to make love to her. And, now? Well, now I’m paying for it. Yeah, I feel guilty, but this is a new type of guilt. Before it was because I felt bad for liking her; for wanting to be with her when I shouldn’t. But, now I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Yep. My mind is completely messed up.
The more time I spend with her, the more I don’t think about anything or anybody else. And, even when I’m away from Alexis, my thoughts are consumed by only her when it should be Holls who’s on my mind. She’s the one I should be thinking about right in this second, and I guess in a way I am, but just not in the way I should be.
Do I wanna be with Alexis? No. Maybe. Yes. There. I said it. Yeah, I do, but you and I both know that this isn’t an option. Not right now. Maybe not even ever.
Ring! Ring!
Oh, crap. That’s the third time Rach has tried to call me in the past half hour alone. I cut the call, and switch my cell to silent. You see, there isn’t only Holls to think about here. Obviously she’s the most important person in all of this, but Rach comes a pretty close second. I mean, what the hell’s she gonna think if I start dating somebody? No, it’s not gonna happen. It’s not. It can’t.
I push the door open, step inside, and I’m greeted by what’s most probably the biggest scowl I’ve even witnessed in my entire life. Maybe I should’ve called Layla to explain what happened the other night, but work hasn’t exactly been my number one priority over these past couple of days.
“I’ll be right back.” Yep, she’s pissed. I watch her throw the bar cloth down, and walk around the bar before heading straight out the back. Yeah, this isn’t gonna go well at all.
“Somebody’s in the bad books.” I hear Mark shout to me from behind the bar. I let out a sigh, and make my way over to sit down on one of the stools.
“Sure looks that way,” I say, and slump down on the seat. “On a scale of one to ten?”
He rests his elbows down on the bar right in front of me, and raises his eyebrows up high, “Eleven.” Ouch. “You’d better have a pretty good reason for walking out the other night because I heard her tell Tessa earlier that she’s ready to fire your—”
“There you are!” Rach. Knowing that she’s here makes me instantly close my eyes. “Is there something wrong with your cell phone?” I twist in my seat, and see her waving her cell right at me. Somehow I think this day just got a whole lot worse.
I try and smile when she places her purse down on the seat beside me. Am I avoiding her? I wouldn’t say that, but I could’ve maybe done without seeing her for a while, at least until my head’s in a better place, “Hey, I … um, I didn’t know you were in the city.”
“Well, you would have if you’d answered my calls.” She wins. “Layla and I are going out for lunch, and because I haven’t heard from you for a couple of days, I thought I’d check in. Wait, shouldn’t you be in class?”
Just as I’m about to answer her, I see Layla heading back over with a small, brown envelope in her right hand, “Okay. Here’s what I owe you up-to-date, minus the couple of hours from the other night, and the night before that. Oh, and you’re lucky you got to keep some of your tips.” She says flatly while passing it over to me, my brow furrowing some more.
Mark said she was at eleven on the scale. He lied because she is way past eleven. Try adding a couple of zeroes to the end of that, and I think we’ll be a little bit closer to the real number. Yep, I can actually see the steam billowing out from her ears.
“What’s going on?” Rach glances between the both of us as she asks, and I have to drop my gaze away from Layla when I notice that she’s shooting daggers straight at me.
“I’m sorry, Rachael,” Layla shrugs her shoulders, focusing her attention over on her instead, “but Brandon working here isn’t going to work out after all.” She shakes her head before heading toward the back again.
“What? You’re firing me?” I jump up from the bar stool and go after her. She can’t fire me. I can’t lose this job. Right now, it’s my only lifeline.
When she reaches the door to her office, she swings around and lets out a deep sigh, “Believe me, I didn’t want to because you’re great at what you do,” she runs her fingers through her hair, and I see that her face is starting to soften. Good. That’s a good sign. “But, I need reliable employees, and over this past week, you’ve been anything but that.” Nope. No, it wasn’t.
”Layla, please? One more chance. Just give me one more chance and I promise tha—”
“My mind’s already made up.” She interrupts me, and shrugs her shoulders again while walking into her office, closing the door up before I even have a chance to step inside so I can try and persuade her otherwise. I throw my arms in the air through my frustration before rubbing my hand over my face. If she’d have just given me five minutes … Awesome. Just fucking awesome.
I walk back through to the bar and see Rach and Matt talking. They look far too engrossed in the conversation they’re having and whatever they’re looking at to notice that I came back in the room. I have two choices. Stay, or leave. Yep, I think so, too.
When I reach the end of the block, I check the time, and see that I’m already running late for my afternoon class, “Brandon!” I lower my head, and take a deep breath before turning around. I almost escaped. Almost. “Hey, what’s with you?”
“What? Me? Nothing, I’m good,” I offer her a slight smile to try and reassure her, but she knows me better than anybody else, and I can already tell that it’s gonna be a complete waste of time denying anything. “I’ve gotta get to class.” I motion behind me, and turn back around as soon as I see her narrowed eyes.
“Who’s the girl?” I pause my steps, and feel my shoulders slump low when I hear the sound of her heels clinking on the pavement. They draw closer until she’s standing right behind me, and then I feel her place her hand on my left shoulder.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My voice is flat as I slowly turn back around.
She’s nodding only slightly, and I see a small, sad smile starting to etch over her lips, “I saw the picture … Mark was showing me the ones he took of you at the college ball.” My chest is becoming increasingly tight, and my stomach just did a roll. Shit. He swore he wouldn’t breathe a word. I’m gonna kick his ass. Man, am I gonna kick his ass so fucking hard.
“She’s nobody,” I answer, not once daring to look her in the eyes as I lie. I take a couple of steps away, shrugging my shoulders one more time as I slide my hands in the pockets of my jacket. “I’ve gotta go.”
Rach takes a step forward, and I notice that she’s becoming more upset. I know she doesn’t believe me. Hell, I know that I don’t believe a word I’ve just spoken. She’s nobody. Right, because my life is really that simple, “What happened?”
“What do you mean?” I bring my eyes back to hers, and see the frown lines growing deeper across her face.
“I don’t expect you to report in every day, but there’s something going on, and from the look in your eyes I can tell you’re hiding something from me. Layla just told me she fired you for skipping shifts, which is completely unlike you. You’re walking away from me, avoiding my calls, and you have that same look in your eyes that you used to hold for my little sister.”
“No. No, I don’t,” I try, but I can’t mask the pain anymore, and my voice cracks, my hands now shaking from the gaze she’s holding on me. Am I shaking because I’m scared of Rach? No, that’s not why. It’s because she got me; she read me. Knowing that somebody else sees this, I don’t think that I’m gonna be able to deny my feelings for Alexis anymore. My eyes are starting to glaze over, and I rip my hands from out of my pockets, raking them through my hair hard once before lowering my gaze to the ground. “You’re wrong.”
“No,” I lift my face when I hear Rach speak, and I see her shaking her head, a sad smile washing over her face now. “No, I’m not.”
***
Rach is refusing to leave until we’ve talked things through, and I’ve been tapping my foot repeatedly and uncontrollably ever since we arrived back at my dorm. She’s already asked me to explain why I’ve been missing a few of my shifts down at the bar, and why I’ve been avoiding her. So, I told her. I had to because she knows me too well, even more than I seem to know myself these days, and it doesn’t look as though I’m gonna be able to hide shit from her anymore. She knows what happened the day of Alexis’ audition, and she also knows that I beat the shit outta that guy the other night.
“Here,” Rach hands me a bottle of soda when she comes to sit down beside me on the couch. I give her a small smile, and try and twist the lid off of the bottle. Yeah, my hands are still shaking. “So, do you want to talk about anything else?” She asks, while leaning forward some more as I keep my gaze focused right ahead.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Rach.” I answer, and I’m thankful that my voice is a little more even now. I rest against the back of the couch, and I’m actually starting to annoy myself because my stupid foot won’t stop tapping against the coffee table.
She lets out a deep sigh, and I can feel her eyes burning right into me, “Are you seeing her?”
“No,” I tell her as I lean forward again, this time placing the bottle of soda on the coffee table before resting my face in my hands. “I’m not gonna betray Holls. She deserves better than that.” She does, and I made a promise. Do I wanna see Alexis? I think the answer to that is pretty obvious, but I can’t. And, I can’t believe I’m even talking to Rach about this. She’s the last person I should be speaking to about Alexis.
She reaches over, and places her left hand on my right knee, stopping me from continuing my endless jiggling. When I turn to look at her, I see that her eyes are closed tight, and I hear her take a couple more deep breaths before she squeezes my leg, “As much as it hurts me to say this, Brandon. Holly’s not … she’s not coming back.”
It’s my turn to close my eyes now. I know this. I do, but every time I hear somebody say those words, a sharp pain rips right through my chest and my throat closes up from being reminded that I’m never gonna see her again. I shake my head, and stand back up before pacing the floor in front of the couch, willing for the pain to go away.
“Well, is she nice?”
I spin around when I‘m standing right in front of her, and she appears genuinely interested to know more about her. Shit. I wanna know her better. Resting my hands on my waist, I let out a deep sigh, “Can we not talk about this, please?” I ask. “It doesn’t feel right talking to you about her.”
Rach’s eyebrows immediately furrow, and she’s throwing me a quizzical look, “Why? Because I’m Holly’s sister?”
“Yeah, exactly that, and because it's not gonna go anywhere.” I answer, and finally she seems to understand that I’m not at all comfortable to be having this conversation with her. I don’t know what I’m feeling worse abou
t. Liking Alexis when the only person I should be thinking about is Holly, or saying that me and Alexis aren’t gonna go anywhere. I lift my head, and run both of my hands over my face and up into my hair.
“You’re plagued with guilt,” she says, and I nod, bringing my attention back on her as she stands. “Are you planning to spend the rest of your life on your own? Because I can tell you now, she wouldn’t want that for you, Brandon. She wouldn’t.” Rach’s eyes are turning glassy, and her bottom lip is starting to tremble. “Does Alexis know about everything?”
“Yeah. Yeah, she does. Because of what happened over at the bar the other night, I um … I told her everything. So, yeah, she knows.”
I clear my throat when she briefly glances to her watch, and I see a frown forming deep over her face before she pulls me into her arms. Wrapping my arms around her in return, she strokes my face before resting her cheek against mine, “The only person stopping you from being happy is yourself. If you like her then why don’t you see how things play out?” she asks in a whisper, and I pull away, my eyes widening some. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t expecting those words to come out of her mouth. She’s giving me the go ahead? She thinks that me liking Alexis is okay? I search her eyes and see her shrug her shoulders once. “Okay, listen. I’m going back to the bar. I’ll talk with Layla about giving you your job back. Once I explain where you went the other night then I’m sure she’ll understand.” She backs away, and I follow her over to the door.
“Thanks, Rach.”
“Just think about what I said okay? Nobody expects you to live the rest of your life on your own.” She says with a small smile before heading out through the door.
Once the door fully closes, I make my way back over to the couch and slump myself down in the seat, resting my feet up on the coffee table while leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I thought she was gonna be upset, but she isn’t. How do I feel about this? I have no idea. Was I planning on always being on my own? Yeah, actually I was.
Misguided Truths: Part Two (Misjudged) Page 13