“So you can find out what I bought?” She wagged a finger at him as if he were no older than the little girl. “I’ll handle them on my own.”
“You’re a stubborn woman.”
“Ja, I am.” She smiled while matching his steps. “And you’re a caring man. Danki for worrying about us.”
He wasn’t sure how to reply to her comment, so he didn’t. He enjoyed bantering with her as they walked into the barn. He didn’t know how much time they’d have together, and he intended to enjoy every moment and try not to fret about the unknowns. He’d leave the future in God’s hands where it belonged and be grateful for the time he had with her...however much there was.
Chapter Seven
Easing around half-frozen puddles of slush in the parking lot the next day, Linda was grateful for the boots Amos had lent her. The snow had started melting yesterday but hardened into ice in the evening. During the night, she’d heard a plow going along the road at the end of the farm lane. It’d scraped on the asphalt and spread sand to keep the road safe for Englisch vehicles.
And for her. More than once on the walk from the farm, her foot had skidded on black ice she hadn’t noticed. Probably because her thoughts were on her conversation with Amos yesterday. So many things she’d wanted to say when they stood face-to-face. So much of the moment she wanted to enfold in her heart and treasure it forever. The powerful emotions in Amos’s eyes and the strong but gentle way he’d gripped her arms as he revealed how worried he’d been for her. She savored the memory of the husky warmth in his relieved voice.
She was silly to think about such things. Pulling her knitted scarf closer to her mouth, she pushed it aside when the fabric swiftly became damp and cold from her breath. She ducked her head into the biting wind as she stepped into the parking lot of the Stoltzfus Family Shops. Several buggies were parked in front of the shop on the far end from Amos’s store. It belonged to his older brother Joshua who worked on buggies.
A wisp of smoke tainted the air. It must have come from the smithy behind the shops.
Hurrying as the wind picked up, Linda’s foot slid again. She grabbed a nearby buggy.
“Careful there,” she heard from her right. “Are you okay?”
She saw a familiar face behind a clumpy, pale blond beard. “I am, Isaiah.”
He nodded. “You’ve got a gut mem...” He flushed, making his uneven beard stand out more on his face.
“It’s all right,” she hurried to say. “Please don’t watch your words around me. If everyone does, I’m going to feel more lost. Amos suggested if I make myself comfortable here, my memories might return.”
“He may be right. Amos thinks deeply about things.”
“I’ve noticed he doesn’t talk just to have something to say.”
“Which makes him a gut source of advice.” He grinned. “Don’t tell him I said that. It doesn’t do for a little brother to be complimented by his older brother.” He grew serious. “I don’t know if anyone told you that I haven’t been a minister very long. I’m still wet behind the ears, as Mamm would say. However, if you want to talk to me at any time, I’m willing to listen.”
Linda thanked him. The Stoltzfus family members were eager to do whatever they could to help her live in this strange limbo.
“Reuben asked me,” Isaiah said, “to let you know he’s been contacting other plain communities, not just Amish ones. Because you weren’t wearing a kapp, we can’t be certain you’re Amish.”
“I didn’t consider that.” Everything about the Amish life seemed right to her, but other groups in addition to Old Order Amish like the Stoltzfus family had the same customs and plain clothing and spoke Deitsch. Wanting to change the subject, she asked, “Will you be coming to your mamm’s house for Christmas Day or will you spend it with your wife’s family?”
“My wife died earlier this year,” he said, his voice wavering.
She wished she could take the question back. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“There’s no need to apologize. Rose’s family misses her as I do, and I worry any time I visit, it’s another reminder to them of what should have been.”
“I doubt they forget it, whether you visit or not.” She put her gloved hands over her mouth, horrified she’d spoken so bluntly.
Instead of a scowl or a sharp retort—both of which she deserved—Isaiah gave her a sad smile. “I understand why you and Amos get along well. He cuts to the heart of the truth, and so do you.”
“Forgive me. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, it’s okay. I know her family grieves for her, and I fear them seeing my sorrow makes them feel worse.” He turned away. “Be careful where you walk. The ice is treacherous.” He didn’t give her a chance to answer before he walked toward his smithy.
Linda sighed into her scarf. She needed to be more like Amos and think before she spoke. Bending her head into the wind, she walked toward his store.
Help me, Lord, to say the right thing to these kind people who have taken me into their home. I don’t want to burden them further.
She raised her head when a woman called a greeting to her. Linda waved, recognizing the woman she’d met on Sunday, but not sure of her name.
Going inside, Linda saw it was crowded with dozens of shoppers. Everyone waited as the person ahead of them in the aisle took what they needed off the shelf before they moved forward. Several women pushed shopping carts, but others carried plastic baskets.
She stepped forward when the door reopened and an elderly couple entered. Stretching, she picked up the last basket and handed it to them before slipping around the end of the aisle...and bumping into Amos. She was surprised he wasn’t behind the counter taking care of his customers.
He juggled the cans he was carrying and managed not to drop any. Setting them in a cart behind her and nodding to the woman’s thanks, he wiped his hands on the apron he wore over his light blue shirt and black trousers.
“Can I help you find something, Linda?” he asked as he smiled at two other customers who pushed between them.
“Busy day today, huh?”
He looked toward the cash register. “If Micah hadn’t offered to help ring people up, it’d be even more chaotic. What do you need?”
She didn’t give him the answer burning on her lips. That she needed his arms around her as she spilled the truth she wanted to give him her heart. “Two things. First, your mamm needs some Karo syrup. We’re planning to make popcorn balls for the cookie exchange tomorrow.”
His harried expression eased into a smile. “I hope you plan to keep a few at home for those of us with a sweet tooth.”
“You’ll have to wait and see. Gut things come to those who wait.”
“I’ve told you before that I don’t have a lot of patience.”
“Then this is the perfect time to learn it.”
He chuckled. “This way.” He led her along the aisle. Plucking the plastic bottle from among other baking supplies, he handed it to her. “What’s the other thing you’re looking for?”
“Leah mentioned you sell fabric.”
“Ja. My selection isn’t big, but I try to keep a few bolts for those who don’t want to drive to Intercourse.”
“Would it be possible for me to work at the store in exchange for enough material to make a new dress for Polly? I’d like to work on it tonight and tomorrow night after she goes to bed, so she can have it Christmas morning.”
He took her arm and steered her through the crowd gathered around the shelves. They went along another aisle leading toward the rear of the store. No other shoppers were there. He gestured toward a dozen bolts of cloth on the shelves behind the counter. “Take what you need.”
“But I want to—”
“You don’t have to work here. You’re helping Mamm and Leah
at home. That’s payment enough for me.”
“Amos—”
Again he interrupted her. “Haven’t you heard it’s better to give than receive, Linda? Let me give you a couple of yards of fabric for Polly’s dress.”
“Danki,” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “This will mean so much to Polly. She’s tried not to complain.”
“She has had a gut role model in not complaining.”
“Who?”
“You.” He tapped her nose and chuckled. “You have more right than anyone I know to complain, but you don’t.”
“I do. All the time.”
“Really? I don’t remember hearing you.”
She smiled. “Well, maybe not aloud, but inside my head there’s a lot of whining going on.”
“It must be noisy in there.”
“You’ve got no idea.” She lowered her eyes. “Amos, I’ve done a terrible thing.”
“You?”
“I asked Isaiah about spending the holiday with his wife’s family. I didn’t know she’d died. I feel...”
* * *
Amos waited for her to finish. He hated to see Linda miserable. Was that what she was going to say? She felt miserable? Embarrassed? Sad? Knowing his brother must have reassured her, he wasn’t sure what he could say to comfort her. He’d been fighting the yearning to take her into his arms and hold her close since Reuben had given her the bad news yesterday. He wanted to keep her from being battered more.
“I feel ashamed,” she whispered.
“Ashamed?” he repeated, astonished. He hadn’t imagined her saying that.
“Ja. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because I can’t remember my past, but your brother has lost so much more than memories. He’s lost the woman he loves and his life with her.” Tears she hadn’t let fall before welled up in her eyes, teetered on her lashes, then tumbled down her cheeks. “How could I fail to see how blessed I’ve been that you and your family took us in? I may have lost my memories, but I’ve gained more with you.”
What could he say? Any words he could think of seemed useless, but she was in pain.
He realized nobody else was in the back of the store. Knowing he was being bold, he splayed his fingers along her cheek and tipped her face so her gaze meshed with his. He could stand like this for the rest of his life.
No, he wanted more. He wanted to kiss her. When her eyes widened, he was certain her thoughts mirrored his. He started to bend toward her, but froze when he heard a guffaw behind him.
Larry Nissley grinned as he hefted his overstuffed shopping basket. It was filled with cheese. Despite his one-time crush on Leah, he didn’t let Ezra winning her heart keep him from being a fan of Ezra’s special cheeses.
“You’ve got a pretty assistant, Amos.” Larry chuckled.
“I do.” He winked at Linda who flushed.
“But you’ve always been one with an eye for a lovely lady, haven’t you? Guess you didn’t learn your lesson after Arlene dumped you. I’d heard you’re courting another mysterious lady.” He laughed as he turned to her. “What are you hiding from my buddy Amos? Hope it’s not a boyfriend or two you’ve conveniently forgotten to mention.”
Amos sensed rather than saw, because he was careful not to look in Linda’s direction, her shock at what Larry said. She backed away and murmured something he couldn’t discern before she rushed behind the counter. She grabbed a bolt of dark green cloth and fled with it.
“Did I say something wrong?” Larry asked.
“What do you think?” He left the man sputtering behind him as he went after Linda.
Why hadn’t he guessed Larry could say something thoughtless? The man had a reputation for uttering the wrong thing at the worst time.
By the time Amos had made his way through the packed store, Linda was walking away along the road. Should he go after her? He never would have described his heart as careless, but he couldn’t deny he’d been ignoring the truth. First, he’d fallen for Arlene Barkman’s pretty face, not heeding his brothers’ warnings she was playing him for a fool. He’d told himself everyone was due one mistake, and Arlene had been his.
But his heart did jumping jacks whenever Linda was near. For all he—and she—knew, she belonged to another man. He couldn’t accuse her of leading him on, because she’d done nothing beyond the boundaries of friendship. Any betrayal was by his own thoughts as he wondered if her lips would be as sweet as her smile.
Should he let her go? No!
Amos called Linda’s name and was relieved when she stopped. He caught up with her and said, “I owe you an apology.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” She glanced at the cloth she carried. “I’d say the debt is mine.”
“I should have told Larry to be quiet.”
“You aren’t to blame for what someone else says.”
“But I’m to blame for knowing how he can be and not stopping him before he said something stupid.”
She began walking again. “Don’t worry about it, Amos. I know you need to get back to the store, and I want to hide this fabric so Polly doesn’t guess what I’m doing. I’ll see you at supper.”
He couldn’t let her walk away when Larry’s words hung between them. “Linda, I need to be honest with you.”
“Aren’t you always?” She paused and faced him.
“Ja, except about one incident in my past.”
“With Arlene?”
Amos nodded. “I should have told you before that Arlene Barkman and I walked out together for almost six months. Not many people knew, though my brothers suspected. Arlene wanted to keep our courting a big secret.”
“Most couples keep quiet about walking out together.”
“Ja, but they’re seen leaving youth events together or caught flirting or talking to each other. Arlene insisted we be extra circumspect. She wouldn’t let me take her home unless I left on my own and we met somewhere far from everyone else. She made it seem like a game, and it was, but not the one I thought we were playing. Fool that I was, I swallowed her unending excuses of why she couldn’t take a ride with me some nights. I was like a trout on the line which she played with, but never reeled in.”
“I don’t understand. What game was she playing?”
“One I had no chance of winning.” He met her eyes as he said, “I wasn’t the only man who was hearing her excuses.”
“She was being courted by another man at the same time?”
“Two others.”
“Two?” she asked in disbelief. “She was walking out with three different men at the same time?”
“I believed her explanations while she strung me along. I couldn’t imagine she wasn’t being truthful. I even believed her when she publicly announced everything about me that she found fault with. At least, until her engagement to another man was published during a church Sunday service the morning after I’d taken her for a buggy ride.”
Linda didn’t speak for a long moment, and he wondered what she was thinking. That he was a besotted fool? That he couldn’t be trusted to see the truth?
He’d misread her because, as she shifted the bolt in front of her to hold it with both arms, she asked, “How long ago did that happen?”
“Almost five years ago.”
“And you haven’t forgiven her?”
He laughed without humor. “Oh, I’ve forgiven her. It wasn’t hard because I realized I didn’t want a woman who’d lied from the beginning. I’ve had a harder time forgiving myself for such poor judgment.”
“Each of us makes bad decisions sometimes, Amos.” She put her hand on his arm. “I’m sure I’ve done stupid things. I wish I could remember them, so I could share them with you now.”
“I wish you could, too. Not to make me feel better, but because you’d have your memo
ries.” He kicked a stone across the road. As it clattered on the asphalt, he said, “It’s my turn to say I’m ashamed. No, let me finish,” he added when she started to answer. “I’ve spent the past five years feeling sorry for myself. For so long I thought the best thing God could do was take away my memories of Arlene and my humiliation. I see how stupid that was because I’m watching you suffer from losing everything you knew. I’m ashamed I thought banishing memories was worth what it would cost me.”
“It’s okay.” She put her gloved fingers on his arm, and he realized for the first time he’d left his coat in the store. He’d been determined to reach her and hadn’t felt the cold.
Nor did he feel it now because from where her hand rested, a luscious warmth oozed through him, thawing the last of the ice clamped around his heart. But his breath froze in his chest when she spoke.
“When I remember what I’ve forgotten, Polly and I will have to leave. I don’t want there to be any bad memories between us, Amos.”
“You don’t have to leave.” The words escaped his lips before he could stop them; then he knew he didn’t want to halt them.
“We must have at least one family waiting for us. Don’t you think they’ve waited long enough for us to come to them?”
The words burned on the tip of his tongue. She could remain in Paradise Springs, and they could discover if the attraction between them could grow into love.
But as she turned and continued walking toward the farm, he didn’t try to stop her. He couldn’t, because he knew she was right. But knowing did nothing to relieve his sorrow at the thought of her leaving one day and never coming back.
Chapter Eight
The snow fell all through the night. It piled up around the house, blocking doors and clinging to windows in icy patterns.
Linda glanced through her bedroom window while she dressed in the dark on Christmas morning, grateful she didn’t have to go outside. The snow swirled, and the barns were barely visible. She saw movement. Amos’s younger twin brothers. Last night, they’d announced their Christmas gift to Ezra was to do his chores this morning to allow him the rare chance to sleep later than 4:00 a.m.
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