Before leaving the room, she adjusted the quilt over Polly. The little girl had been awake late last night, complaining of a tummy ache. Linda suspected Polly had snuck extra cookies at the exchange yesterday.
The propane lamp in the kitchen was glowing when she emerged from the dawdi haus. She wasted no time going to the refrigerator and getting what she needed to make breakfast. Soon the aroma of kaffi wafted through the kitchen, and she was putting cinnamon rolls into the oven.
“Smells gut” came a voice from behind her, the voice that released a thousand butterflies in her stomach.
“Frelicher Grischtdaag, Amos.” She closed the oven and straightened.
“Merry Christmas to you, too.” He was barefoot as he entered the kitchen, and his hair was tousled as if he’d forgotten to comb it. She’d never seen him look so adorable. “I didn’t expect to see you up this early.”
“I overheard Micah and Daniel talking about their Christmas gift for Ezra, and I thought I’d offer the same to Leah.” She began to break eggs into a bowl so she could scramble them. “She does a lot for us.” She smiled. “I’ve offered to make breakfast every other day from now on.”
“That’s generous of you.”
Her heart danced at his admiring tone, and she dared to believe the discomfort of yesterday at the store could be put behind them. She’d been surprised by his friend’s words and saddened by how many years Amos had lived with the pain of betrayal.
But she didn’t say that. If she chose the wrong words, she could make him feel worse, so instead she said, “You’ve been kind to Polly and me. Making breakfast is a small way to repay your kindness.”
“Did you get Polly’s gift finished?”
“Ja, except for the hem. I want to measure it on her. She’s growing so fast.”
“She’s going to love it.”
“I hope so.” She poured milk in with the eggs and began to whip them.
“And what gift do you want most for Christmas?” he asked.
Linda put down the fork and faced him. “You know what I want most.”
“To have your memories back?”
“Ja.” She handed him a cup of kaffi before turning away. With her face averted, she said, “I can’t stop thinking of the people wondering where Polly and I are. Her grandparents. The ones we were on our way to...for a visit? To stay? So many questions and too few answers.”
“Have you noticed any change? Any faint glimpse of a memory?”
She shook her head.
“Nothing? Just emptiness?”
She stepped to the window. “Look at the storm.”
“What am I supposed to see?”
“What do you see?”
“Snow blowing in every possible direction.”
“And beyond the snow?”
He shrugged. “I know the barns and fences and trees are there, but I can’t see them. Only snow.”
“That’s how it feels for me when I try to remember what my life was before I crossed the bridge. It’s as if I stepped out of a blizzard in my mind. I know there are things on the other side of that bridge. Things that happened to me, experiences for more than two decades of my life. I know they’re there. As you know the barns and fences and trees are there.”
“But you can’t see them.” He sighed. “I think I’m beginning to understand for the first time all you’ve lost.”
“I can’t see my memories or hear them or feel them, but I know they’re there.” She turned to check the rolls in the oven. “Sit down, and I’ll get your breakfast ready.”
“No hurry. I’ll wait until Micah and Daniel are back and Mamm is up.”
Linda nodded. Christmas was meant to be spent with family. She thanked God that she had Polly and the Stoltzfus family with her to celebrate the day of Christ’s birth.
As if she’d called the little girl, the door from the dawdi haus burst open, slamming against the wall. Polly ran in, sobbing so hard she teetered.
Linda went to her as Amos rose from the table. “Liebling, was iss letz? Are you hurt?”
Polly clung to her and wept. “I want my grossmammi and grossdawdi. You promised we’d see them on Christmas.”
“I did?” She looked over the kind’s shuddering shoulders to Amos who regarded her sadly.
“Ja. You said we’d spend Christmas Day with them and Grossmammi would make chocolate pancakes.”
She knelt by the little girl. Brushing damp hair from Polly’s face, she said, “I’d give anything to keep that promise, Polly. I wish I could.”
“You’re mean! You don’t want to share them with me.”
Taken aback by the kind’s anger, she struggled for something to say. Amos stepped forward and held out his hand to Polly. The little girl put her much smaller one in his.
He sat at the table and lifted Polly to sit on one knee. “Do you believe Linda would lie to you?”
The little girl bowed her head, then shook it. “But she promised.”
“And Linda always keeps her promises to you, doesn’t she?”
Polly nodded.
“And Linda would keep this one if she could. Don’t you think so?”
“Ja.” The single word was reluctant. “But I want to see my grossmammi and my grossdawdi.”
“You will. I promise that as Linda did.”
Looking at him, she whispered, “But she didn’t keep her promise.”
“She will as soon as she can, and I’m going to help her keep that promise to you.”
“Really?”
He gave her a grin and a wink. “Ja, I promise.” His smile broadened when Polly flung her arms around him and squeezed him. “Ach! Don’t keep me from breathing.” Bouncing her on his knee, he added to Linda, “When will those eggs be ready for a hungry little girl?”
“As soon as she wants them...unless she’d rather have French toast,” she replied, more grateful to Amos than she could put into words. As Polly cheered about the special treat, Linda smiled at the man holding the kind.
He started to smile but glanced at the door as his brothers entered along with a blast of cold air. Soon everyone was saying “Frelicher Grischtdaag” as she cooked French toast. Serving the first piece to Polly, Linda hoped the rest of the day would get better.
An hour later, after gifts had been shared, Polly tugged on Linda’s hand. “Let’s go and play in the snow!”
“It’s chilly.”
“I want to use my new mittens.” She grabbed the bright blue ones Wanda had knit for her. They were a smaller version of the red mittens Wanda had given Linda.
“I’ll take her,” Amos said, standing from his chair near the fireplace. “I want to check the sleigh to make sure it’s ready to take us visiting tomorrow for Second Christmas.” He smiled at Polly. “Komm. Let’s go.”
Linda was about to speak when she realized, though he offered the little girl his hand, his gaze was focused on Linda. What she saw in his eyes was warm enough to melt the snow. He arched his brows in a clear challenge.
Putting down Polly’s dress that she’d started hemming, Linda stood. “I’ll go, too, to keep an eye on her.”
“Bundle up,” Wanda said, “and don’t stay out too long. This is the coldest Christmas I remember in a long time.”
Linda did that and made sure Polly’s coat was buttoned to her chin before wrapping a thick scarf around her neck and over her stocking hat. Pulling wool pants on beneath the kind’s dress, she tucked them into Polly’s boots.
She followed the little girl and Amos outside. Polly danced around in the new snow, her despair from before breakfast set aside. Not forgotten, Linda knew, because every once in a while she saw tears bubbling into the little girl’s eyes.
“She’s going to be fine,” Amos said as he walked beside Linda
through the snow that reached the top of her boots.
“I’ve been praying for that.”
He stopped and faced her. The mist from their breaths combined and hung in the air between them, an outward sign of the connection growing between them. That connection had allowed her when she was in his arms to toss aside her brave facade and release the tears that had been strangling her. With Amos, she didn’t have to be stoic. He never jumped to conclusions when she spoke of fears and hopes. Instead, he thought long and hard about what she’d said.
“Praying is the best thing you can do.” He smiled at her. “Danki again for the box of highlighters you got for me.”
“I thought they’d make the perfect gift for the next time you have to check off an invoice.”
“Ja, perfect. If you were there using them.”
She looked away from the potent emotions in his eyes. He shouldn’t be looking at her like that, but she couldn’t deny how special she felt when he did.
He picked up one end of her scarf and tickled her nose. “Komm, before your nose is as red as the cherries in Mamm’s pie.”
When he turned to walk away, Linda checked what Polly was up to. The little girl had made a snow angel and was rolling snow to make a snowman. Linda bent to scoop up a handful. It compacted into a ball. Without warning Amos, she let it fly. The snow exploded on his barn coat.
He turned and laughed. “Why couldn’t you have forgotten how to make a snowball?”
“What fun would that be?” She gathered another handful of snow and shaped it before aiming it at him.
With a playful growl, he strode toward her. He caught her wrist and shook the snowball from her hand. He held up a snowball of his own.
She tried to knock it away, but the deep snow caught her legs. She couldn’t keep from shrieking as they fell together. Flakes flew everywhere as Polly ran to them. The little girl threw herself on top of them.
It took longer than Linda had expected to get untangled because the snow made it difficult to move. When Amos picked up Polly and put her on her feet, she ran toward the snowman she was making.
“I don’t know about you,” he said, “but sitting in this snow is a cold business.”
“Ja.” Linda drew her feet beneath her to stand. When she got up, she looked down at him. “Are you going to stay there?”
“I may if you threaten to pelt me with snowballs again.”
She laughed. “I’ll take pity on you, Amos. No more snowballs.”
“Gut.” He stood and wiped snow off his wool trousers. “It’s cold.”
“It is.” She turned toward the barn. “Shall we get warmed up?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” His voice took on a gentle huskiness that made her look over her shoulder in surprise. Amusement had vanished from his face as his gloved hands framed her face and tilted it toward him.
For a moment, she relished the sweetness of his touch, then she yanked herself away. What was she doing? If she was married... She put her hands to her heated face.
“Linda...” He didn’t continue.
She wished he would because she didn’t know what to say either. She couldn’t tell him she didn’t want him to touch her or kiss her. That would be lying. But there were too many things about herself she didn’t know. Things that might mean she shouldn’t be standing face-to-face with him.
“Linda,” he began again. “Ich liebe dich.”
“How can you say you love me when you don’t know me?” She wrapped her arms around herself, wishing the arms were his.
“I know you, Linda.”
“How can you know me when I don’t know myself who I am? Who I really am?”
He put his hands on her arms, sliding them to cup her elbows. He didn’t pull her closer as he bent so their eyes were level. “I know exactly who you are. You’re a wunderbaar woman who cares about those around her.”
“Am I? Am I really? What if I was different before and I can’t remember?”
“What if you were?”
Her head jerked up at the question she hadn’t expected him to ask. Maybe she should have, because Amos preferred the truth.
“Linda,” he continued when she didn’t answer, “you can always be the woman you are now, whether or not you regain your memories. God gave us free will to find ourselves and to choose whether we want to walk with Him or not. He loves us, no matter what we decide, though He must mourn when one of His kinder decides to turn away from Him. No matter what caused you to lose your memories, I believe it was part of His plan for your life. Not many of us get a chance to remake our lives. You have.
“How can you have been a horrible person?” He looked at where Polly was rolling a ball of snow as big as she was. “Every truth you need to know is in her eyes. Polly loves you with the simple trust of a kind who has never had a reason to question that trust. Think of what she’s told you of the past you’ve shared. Of the stories you’ve read to her and the songs and games you’ve taught her. She hid money because you asked her to. She never questioned why you’d ask. She never questioned why you got off the bus in Paradise Springs that night. She trusts you. She loves you. Could she feel that way if you weren’t a gut person?”
“Are you always wise?” She let her shoulders ease from the tension aching across them.
“Hardly. Otherwise, I would have been better prepared when you pelted me with snowballs.”
She laughed, her dismay vanishing as if it’d never existed. The sound drifted away when his fingers brushed her cheek, sending music through her heart. As his mouth lowered toward hers, her eyes closed. He found her lips, and she leaned into his strength. As close as they stood, she was unsure if the shivers were hers or his or both. She slid her hands along the powerful muscles of his arms, and he enfolded her to him. His kiss offered everything she wanted. When he stroked her back, tingles raced along her spine.
He lifted his mouth far enough away to whisper, “Ich liebe dich, Linda.” His expression had become vulnerable and honest. “Do you love me, too?”
“Ja! Ich liebe dich.” For a moment, joy soared through her, then she stepped away. Looking across the snow toward the barn, she said, “Falling in love with you should change everything, but it doesn’t. Not when I don’t know what life I had before I came here. I must know what my life was in the past before I can consider what my future should be. I shouldn’t let you kiss me when I may be married.”
“What if your memories never return?”
“I don’t know.” She doubted she’d ever spoken such hopeless words and she longed for him to say something to ease her desperation as he had before.
Instead he drew her into his arms and leaned her head against his chest. Hearing his heart thud beneath her ear, she knew the truth. For the first time, he didn’t have an easy answer for her.
Or any answer at all.
* * *
When a knock came at the front door after Linda had excused herself to put Polly to bed, Amos frowned and looked at his brothers. Who was calling at such a late hour on Christmas? What visit couldn’t wait until Second Christmas tomorrow?
To be honest, he wasn’t in the mood to have company. He’d spent the day trying to pretend his dreams weren’t being dashed into splinters again. But unlike when Arlene had dumped him, he had to see the pain on the face of the one he loved. Oh, Linda had done an excellent job of trying to hide her thoughts from everyone else, but his heart seemed linked to hers now, and he could sense her sorrow.
Amos was closest to the door, so he got up and went to open it. He didn’t want to leave anyone standing out in the cold. Glancing out a window as he passed, he didn’t see any lights in the yard, but Englischers often got lost on the country roads and stopped to ask for directions.
Lost... He understood that feeling. He’d believed if he ever found his w
ay back to love, he’d have the certainty and reassurance he craved. Maybe he was a greater simpleton than he’d believed.
Opening the door, he stared. The people standing on the front porch weren’t lost Englischers nor were they among the Stoltzfus family’s neighbors. They were, however, plain in dress by what he could see beneath their dark wool coats. A man and a woman, at least a generation older than he was. Perhaps two.
“Komm in, komm in,” he said when the old woman shivered.
Thanking him, they entered the house. He heard his brothers coming to their feet, as curious as he was.
“This is the Stoltzfus farm?” the old man asked as he unbuttoned his coat.
Amos nodded and glanced at Ezra who had come to stand beside him.
His older brother said, “I am Ezra Stoltzfus. This is my farm.”
“I’m Norman Glick,” the elderly man said. “This is my wife Yvonne.”
“Take off your coats and get warm.” Amos gestured toward the living room and the hearth.
As if Amos hadn’t spoken, Norman went on, “I hope yours is the Stoltzfus farm we’ve been looking for. We’re searching for our two missing kins-kinder. Our two granddaughters who were traveling from Millersburg, Ohio. They were supposed to arrive almost two weeks ago, but they never did. We and our son and his wife and family have been looking for them everywhere between here and Millersburg, but we ran into blank walls.” He glanced at his wife, then hurried on. “That is, until we heard from our bishop that two girls had found their way to a Stoltzfus farm in this part of Lancaster County. We came as quickly as we could to discover if they were our girls.”
Amos didn’t hesitate. As shock paralyzed his brothers, he crossed the kitchen in a few long steps. The door to the dawdi haus was ajar. He yanked it aside and rushed inside. Hearing Linda’s lyrical voice reading a story to Polly, he burst into the bedroom.
“Amos!” Shock brightened Linda’s eyes. “Is everything okay?”
“Maybe better than okay.” He grabbed her arm, plucked the storybook from her hand and pulled her to her feet. He motioned for Polly to follow as he tugged Linda from the room. “An older couple has just arrived. They’re looking for their lost granddaughters. You and Polly!”
Amish Christmas Blessings: The Midwife's Christmas Surprise/A Christmas to Remember Page 16