Secrets and Fries at the Starlight Diner

by Helen Cox

  I stood and walked over to where they were sitting, and Jimmy followed.

  ‘Thanks for coming,’ I said to them.

  ‘Of course.’ Karen shook her head as though it had never been in question. It probably hadn’t been for her, but whether my parents felt the same, I really couldn’t say.

  ‘Bonnie,’ Mama said, ‘your father and I have been talking.’

  Oh swell, whatever followed next was bound to mean trouble for me.

  ‘Assuming all goes well tomorrow, you need to come home to Detroit.’

  I felt my eyes widen. ‘What?’ I croaked out.

  ‘On your own you’re just getting into trouble. I will not spend my life wondering if my daughter’s ever coming home to me again,’ Mama said. ‘You’re best to come home with us, we need to get you on the right track.’

  I glanced at Jimmy and then back at my family. ‘I can’t do that, Mama. I can’t come back to Detroit.’

  ‘And I can’t deal with any more humiliation on your behalf.’ My Dad stepped in. ‘Word of this trial has reached Detroit, you know, that’s not easy for us. Explaining why our daughter is up on a murder trial. Under our watch, at least we’ll know you’re not out there making things worse for yourself.’

  For a moment, I’d dared to think this was their attempt to reach out and show they cared. For Mama and Karen, maybe it was. But I should’ve known that, for Dad at least, this was all about appearances. Under his watch was the last place I wanted to be.

  There was a sudden tightness in my chest. I couldn’t keep my breathing steady. Too much anger and heartbreak and fear was swirling around inside. ‘I’m not coming back with you,’ I said, looking anywhere but at my father.

  ‘It’s not a choice, young lady,’ my Dad said. ‘You are clearly not mature enough to look after yourself. Look at where you are. You’re coming home to Grosse Point whether you like it or not.’

  ‘Dad, please. I really don’t need an argument about this just now.’ I summoned the courage to make eye contact with him, though my heart started beating a lot faster when I did.

  ‘There’s no argument. I’ve had enough of your shenanigans. Truth is, though I prayed it wouldn’t happen, you’ve become a drifter – a disappointing drifter – and I’m not standing for that a moment longer.’ Dad’s voice had that quiet, threatening quality I’d heard so many times growing up. I’d never outright told him how much it got to me but I probably didn’t need to.

  I looked to Mama and then at Karen. They both had their heads bowed and their cheeks had flushed red at my father’s words.

  ‘So that’s how you see me? A disappointing drifter, that’s all I am?’ I swallowed hard, trying not to think about the fact that when I needed them most my own family had stuck a knife through my heart.

  ‘I think you know you can do better than this,’ Dad said.

  ‘Well, I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves,’ Jimmy said. I took a sharp breath in; I’d almost forgotten he was standing there.

  ‘You don’t need to get involved with this, son,’ my Dad warned, but Jimmy just shook his head at him.

  ‘I don’t understand you people. You gotta daughter here who does nothing but try. She’s creative and she’s honest and she’s kind-hearted, and all you do is undermine her. Did you ever think about what she might be able to achieve if her family was actually behind her? Right now, she needs your support, and instead you put her down in the most godawful way.’ My eyes widened as I watched Jimmy point a finger at my father. ‘Shame on you for not recognising the good in your own daughter.’

  ‘I don’t have to listen to this,’ my Dad said, but he didn’t meet Jimmy’s eyes.

  ‘No, you don’t, not any more than I have to listen to anything else you have to say,’ Jimmy said, and then turned to me. ‘C’mon, I think we should get back to the motel and go through the instructions for tomorrow’s session.’

  I managed to nod, but as I followed him out of the courtroom my whole body tingled. Nobody had ever, ever stood up for me the way Jimmy just had. Whether he meant all those things he said about me or not, or had only said them to stop my father in his tracks, I couldn’t say. But I wanted him to believe them, more than anything.

  Back in New York, he’d said nothing could happen between us, but for him to fight my corner like that he must feel something for me. Thinking about it, there was evidence enough that proved that fact beyond reasonable doubt. Whether I’d ever get him to confess to it or not was another matter altogether.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  That night, I was up late watching a show about police chases when the knock came at my door.

  Two knocks. Followed by one knock. Followed by two more quick knocks.

  I smiled.

  ‘Just a minute,’ I called, before rolling off the bed and checking my hair in the small mirror hanging on the wall. Not that it mattered all that much when it was only Jimmy, I reminded myself.

  ‘Hey,’ I said, opening the door. Jimmy stood there in a pair of jeans and a khaki T-shirt, clutching a brown paper bag under his right arm. Just beyond him, across the road, was the giant backside of the elephant.

  ‘Hey, I heard your TV on…’ Jimmy said.

  ‘Oh, sorry. I can turn it down if it’s keeping you awake. Just couldn’t sleep.’

  ‘No, it’s not that. I couldn’t sleep either so I thought we might as well not sleep together…’ Jimmy trailed off. A fleeting cringe crinkled the skin around his eyes. Though that was about the most awkward sentence he could’ve uttered, I guess what he’d said was an accurate enough summary of the situation.

  ‘Alright…’ I turned so he wouldn’t see me smirking at his faux pas and left the door open for him before walking over to switch off the TV. I then sat on the far side of the bed, propping myself up against the headboard with one of the flat pillows and leaving the side nearest the door for Jimmy. To my surprise, he didn’t just sit on the edge of the bed, but settled down almost next to me, his back, like mine, pushed up against the headboard.

  Something about my face must’ve given away my surprise.

  ‘This OK?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s a little bit Bert and Ernie, but I’m fine with it.’ I managed to laugh, though the air between us had, without a doubt, thickened. Jimmy laughed too, but there was a hard edge to the sound.

  ‘I brought us a beer apiece,’ he said, rummaging in the paper bag. ‘Drinking heavy the night before the last day of the trial probably isn’t a good idea but I figured one beer wouldn’t do any harm.’ He lodged the top of the bottle cap against the surface of the bedside table and gave a sharp tug downwards. The cap flew off and he handed the bottle to me.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, taking hold of the bottle, the backs of our hands brushing against each other as I did. A warmth seemed to spread across the small patch of skin that’d touched his. I looked up from the bottle to see he was looking at me. Staring into his brown eyes, I remembered a time when I thought something might happen with this guy. And then, right after, remembered he’d told me outright that wasn’t the case at all.

  I don’t have any feelings.

  That’s what he’d said to me.

  Why’d I have to think about those words? I shut my eyes, leaned back against the headboard and took a swig on my beer. Jimmy took the cap off his beer and took a big gulp.

  ‘You feeling alright about tomorrow?’ he asked.

  ‘Not really.’ I faked a weak smile.

  ‘For what it’s worth, I think I’m going to be able to crack Larry Harris when I get him on the stand.’

  I turned my head in Jimmy’s direction. I could feel his eyes on me, but couldn’t make eye contact with him. It was insane, but whenever I looked at him, I thought about what it felt like to kiss him, and I had enough on my mind without pining over a guy I couldn’t have.

  ‘I’m sure if anyone can break that guy down, it’s you,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve got a plan, you just have to trust that.’

/>   ‘I do. I do trust you,’ I said to the corner of the room rather than to Jimmy directly. ‘I’m so grateful to you for, well, everything.’

  I looked down at his spare hand, the one that wasn’t holding his beer. It was resting on the bed not three inches away from mine. My fingers twitched, longing to reach over and entwine themselves with his.

  I took another sip of my beer instead.

  ‘Well, it’s not often I get the opportunity to play the hero. Thought it’d make a nice change.’

  ‘I never said you were a hero,’ I said, at last daring to make eye contact with him.

  ‘Oh really, what’s a fella gotta do in your book to be branded a hero?’ Jimmy’s mouth was edging towards a smile but he wasn’t quite willing to commit to it.

  ‘Not sure I’m really an authority on heroism, myself,’ I said. ‘But I think I’d know one when I saw one.’

  ‘What about Nick, is he a hero type?’ Out of nowhere there was a snap to Jimmy’s voice, his words short and clipped. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. What the hell was Jimmy’s problem with this guy? Even Esther, who was generally cautious around strangers, once said Nick was nice as ninepence… whatever that really meant. But there was no disputing the fact that Nick had been nothing short of sweet to me – even if he did get a bit jittery when he learned about the murder charge, but who wouldn’t?

  ‘Don’t know him well enough yet to comment on his heroism,’ I said to Jimmy, ‘but he sure seems like a nice guy. Certainly, he’s brave when it comes to expressing his feelings. Which is refreshing.’ I tried to keep my voice even so this wouldn’t come out as a dig but it was pretty obvious what I was referencing. Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet Jimmy’s. They weren’t angry as I was expecting them to be but instead had an almost sorrowful look about them.

  ‘I guess that is a type of bravery,’ he said, his eyes still locked on mine.

  ‘What do I know about being brave, really,’ I shrugged, trying to take the sting out of what I’d said, since it was now impossible to take it back. ‘I can’t even stand up to my own father. If I go free, he’s probably going to drag me back to Detroit after the trial. With me kicking and screaming if he has to.’

  ‘And you don’t want to go back there?’

  ‘No. There’s no life in Detroit for me.’ I shook my head, took a nip of my beer and then looked back at Jimmy. ‘We lived in Grosse Point, right? Well you can walk all the way out there from the city, straight down Jefferson Avenue. The city’s in a pretty bad way and for most of the stretch you’re walking past burned-out cars and buildings that are gonna fall down any second. But then you hit Grosse Point and it’s like stepping through some sorta portal into suburbia. On one side of the line the world is greying and decaying and the other side is green and full of goodness.’ I looked at Jimmy to check he hadn’t fallen asleep during my little monologue, but his eyes were still on me. And was it my imagination, or was he drifting just a little bit closer to me? ‘Whenever I’d step over that invisible line, I’d look back at the downtown skyline and I’d always wonder…’

  ‘What?’ Jimmy asked, as I trailed off.

  I scraped my fingers through the front of my hair and then looked at him once more.

  ‘Why I didn’t fit in, no matter which side of the line I was standing on. Why I never fit in anywhere.’

  ‘I know that feeling,’ Jimmy said, sighing. ‘But I can hardly believe it’s true of you.’

  ‘Oh no, it is,’ I said, raising an eyebrow at him. Ask me when my birthday is.’

  ‘What? It’s not today, is it?’

  ‘No,’ I laughed, ‘just ask me.’

  Jimmy screwed up the left side of his face, likely to convey how nuts he thought I was. ‘Alright. When’s your birthday?’

  ‘February 29th.’ I started laughing, though I don’t know why. Then again, I don’t know why I’d even brought up my birthday. I hated talking about it. Hated that reminder of what I thought about myself deep down. ‘I didn’t have a chance. I was born on a day that doesn’t even exist three years out of four. I was never quite meant to fit into this reality.’

  ‘Or your mom just happened to be pregnant in a leap year,’ Jimmy said, grinning harder than I remember him ever doing in the time I’d known him.

  ‘Yeah, or that. But I’m pretty sure it’s the fitting-in thing.’ I banged my shoulder against his, giving him a playful nudge.

  ‘The way your old man comes down on you, I’m not surprised you’ve grown up feeling like this,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘He…’ I hesitated, looking into Jimmy’s eyes. ‘He means well. He just doesn’t… really see me, I guess. Doesn’t really get who I am.’

  Jimmy took a deep breath and held my gaze. ‘Well, as someone who does, I can say he’s missing out.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I smiled but my heart beat harder as he said this and I glanced back at our hands sitting side by side on the bed. They were so close, yet after Jimmy’s knockback they might as well have been the world apart. ‘Bet your parents are the exact opposite. Must be real proud to have a lawyer-come-roving reporter for a son.’

  Jimmy winced. He looked down into his drink and swirled the bottle around a bit.

  ‘Oh God, I’m sorry,’ I said, suddenly realising his parents could be dead for all I knew. ‘I didn’t think. I’m such a dumbass, I never think before I talk. I don’t know the first thing about your family.’

  ‘There’s nothing to know,’ Jimmy said, looking from the beer bottle back up to me, ‘I don’t have one.’

  ‘You don’t…’ I swallowed and watched the lines on his face deepen with every passing moment. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I frowned. ‘Did something happen to them?’

  Jimmy shook his head. ‘I don’t know. I never met my own parents.’

  ‘Never?’ I shook my head, wondering what that must feel like.

  ‘I grew up in an orphanage in Brooklyn. I’d been left on a doorstep somewhere, but whoever’s doorstep that was, they didn’t want me either.’ Jimmy’s voice was fracturing at the end of each sentence and I felt a lump growing in my own throat. More than ever, all I wanted was to fold him up in my arms, but I couldn’t risk it. I had no idea if he would welcome being touched right then.

  ‘I can’t even imagine how hard that must’ve been for you,’ I said. ‘And here’s me, a spoiled little brat from Grosse Point, complaining over not being understood when you’ve never known your parents.’

  ‘No, I don’t think that about you at all,’ said Jimmy. ‘But you’re right, it hasn’t been easy. And fighting and scrabbling around and haggling for everything I’ve ever had hasn’t made me the nicest person on the planet, but I’ve had other priorities than bein’ nice.’

  ‘You ever try to find them, your parents?’ I asked. I’d no idea if I was crossing a line with this question, but he had volunteered the information, so I figured he must be in the mood to talk about it.

  ‘Where would I even start?’ Jimmy shook his head. ‘Nobody knew who’d left me on that doorstep. Apparently it happened to quite a few kids at that time. But it ain’t like when a parent gives up a kid for adoption. Then there’s a paper trail. My folks, whoever they are, or were, didn’t hang around to do the administration. For all I know, I’ve already met them and didn’t know it.’

  ‘I don’t believe that,’ I said, finally daring to move my hand over to rest on his. Slowly, he spread his fingers apart to make room for mine between them. I folded my fingers around his and squeezed.

  ‘What do you believe?’ he asked, looking at our hands and then up at my face.

  Though what he’d said made me want to cry more than anything else, I forced a smile. ‘I believe if you met your parents you’d know it, and so would they.’

  Jimmy sighed and stared at me. I didn’t know what else to say but I was happy enough just sitting there with his hand in mine.

  ‘The reason I’m…’ Jimmy began, but corrected himself. ‘After tomorrow, we probably won’t see much of each other, may
be we won’t even see each other again, I don’t know.’

  ‘You’re not gonna come visit me in the clink? Well, that’s rude.’ I joked, largely to distract myself from the idea that he didn’t want to see me once the trial was over.

  ‘Bonnie, you’re not going to jail. Besides anything else, I have to break that witness tomorrow. Louie is currently in the hands of my colleague, Jessie Marble and he did not look too happy about it when I said goodbye. I promised him it’d be over quickly and I’ve told you, we can win this.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘But tomorrow you’ll go off and start your new life, and I didn’t want you to do that without knowin’…’

  ‘What?’ I said, in the most casual tone I could.

  ‘Back at the party, when I said it wasn’t about you, you didn’t believe me. But this is why.’

  ‘Because of your parents?’ I frowned.

  ‘Yeah. I’ve shied away from… from anything meaningful my whole life. The only significant other I have is a dog with a tendency to chew on trouser legs.’

  I smiled, and squeezed his hand a touch tighter than I had before. Didn’t he know that wasn’t true? That whether he wanted me or not, he would always be significant to me.

  ‘Truth is, I don’t have a clue about all that other stuff. I’ve made it my business to avoid it. So it’s not about you. I’m messed up,’ he said, with a sudden fierceness.

  ‘Everybody’s messed up, in one way or another,’ I said. ‘And if you haven’t got a clue about all that other stuff, maybe what you need is someone to teach you.’

  Someone to teach you? Real subtle, Bonnie.

  ‘Maybe.’ Jimmy looked down at our hands again. ‘I’m more open to the idea now than I was a month ago. But I’ve got a lot of creases to iron out first. And I don’t know how long that’ll take. Anyway,’ he said, uncoupling his hand, placing my hand back on my lap and touching his finger underneath my chin for just a second, ‘I really better get some sleep so I’m the best I can be for the last day of the trial.’