The White Feather

by P. G. Wodehouse

  It was a raw, drizzly morning. There would probably be few fives-players before breakfast, and the capture of the second court should be easy. So it turned out. Nobody was about when Sheen arrived. He pinned his slip of paper to the door, and, after waiting for a short while for Mr Spence and finding the process chilly, went for a trot round the gymnasium to pass the time.

  Mr Spence had not arrived during his absence, but somebody else had. At the door of the second court, gleaming in first-fifteen blazer, sweater, stockings, and honour-cap, stood Attell.

  Sheen looked at Attell, and Attell looked through Sheen.

  It was curious, thought Sheen, that Attell should be standing in the very doorway of court two. It seemed to suggest that he claimed some sort of ownership. On the other hand, there was his, Sheen's, paper on the.... His eye happened to light on the cement flooring in front of the court. There was a crumpled ball of paper there.

  When he had started for his run, there had been no such ball of paper.

  Sheen picked it up and straightened it out. On it was written "R. D. Sheen".

  He looked up quickly. In addition to the far-away look, Attell's face now wore a faint smile, as if he had seen something rather funny on the horizon. But he spake no word.

  A curiously calm and contented feeling came upon Sheen. Here was something definite at last. He could do nothing, however much he might resent it, when fellows passed him by as if he did not exist; but when it came to removing his landmark....

  "Would you mind shifting a bit?" he said very politely. "I want to pin my paper on the door again. It seems to have fallen down."

  Attell's gaze shifted slowly from the horizon and gradually embraced Sheen.

  "I've got this court," he said.

  "I think not," said Sheen silkily. "I was here at ten to seven, and there was no paper on the door then. So I put mine up. If you move a little, I'll put it up again."

  "Go and find another court, if you want to play," said Attell, "and if you've got anybody to play with," he added with a sneer. "This is mine."

  "I think not," said Sheen.

  Attell resumed his inspection of the horizon.

  "Attell," said Sheen.

  Attell did not answer.

  Sheen pushed him gently out of the way, and tore down the paper from the door.

  Their eyes met. Attell, after a moment's pause, came forward, half-menacing, half irresolute; and as he came Sheen hit him under the chin in the manner recommended by Mr Bevan.

  "When you upper-cut," Mr Bevan was wont to say, "don't make it a swing. Just a half-arm jolt's all you want."

  It was certainly all Attell wanted. He was more than surprised. He was petrified. The sudden shock of the blow, coming as it did from so unexpected a quarter, deprived him of speech: which was, perhaps, fortunate for him, for what he would have said would hardly have commended itself to Mr Spence, who came up at this moment.

  "Well, Sheen," said Mr Spence, "here you are. I hope I haven't kept you waiting. What a morning! You've got the court, I hope?"

  "Yes, sir," said Sheen.

  He wondered if the master had seen the little episode which had taken place immediately before his arrival. Then he remembered that it had happened inside the court. It must have been over by the time Mr Spence had come upon the scene.

  "Are you waiting for somebody, Attell?" asked Mr Spence. "Stanning? He will be here directly. I passed him on the way."

  Attell left the court, and they began their game.

  "You've hurt your eye, Sheen," said Mr Spence, at the end of the first game. "How did that happen?"

  "Boxing, sir," said Sheen.

  "Oh," replied Mr Spence, and to Sheen's relief he did not pursue his inquiries.

  Attell had wandered out across the gravel to meet Stanning.

  "Got that court?" inquired Stanning.

  "No."

  "You idiot, why on earth didn't you? It's the only court worth playing in. Who's got it?"

  "Sheen."

  "Sheen!" Stanning stopped dead. "Do you mean to say you let a fool like Sheen take it from you! Why didn't you turn him out?"

  "I couldn't," said Attell. "I was just going to when Spence came up. He's playing Sheen this morning. I couldn't very well bag the court when a master wanted it."

  "I suppose not," said Stanning. "What did Sheen say when you told him you wanted the court?"

  This was getting near a phase of the subject which Attell was not eager to discuss.

  "Oh, he didn't say much," he said.

  "Did you do anything?" persisted Stanning.

  Attell suddenly remembered having noticed that Sheen was wearing a black eye. This was obviously a thing to be turned to account.

  "I hit him in the eye," he said. "I'll bet it's coloured by school-time."

  And sure enough, when school-tune arrived, there was Sheen with his face in the condition described, and Stanning hastened to spread abroad this sequel to the story of Sheen's failings in the town battle. By the end of preparation it had got about the school that Sheen had cheeked Attell, that Attell had hit Sheen, and that Sheen had been afraid to hit him back. At the precise moment when Sheen was in the middle of a warm two-minute round with Francis at the "Blue Boar," an indignation meeting was being held in the senior day-room at Seymour's to discuss this latest disgrace to the house.

  "This is getting a bit too thick," was the general opinion. Moreover, it was universally agreed that something ought to be done. The feeling in the house against Sheen had been stirred to a dangerous pitch by this last episode. Seymour's thought more of their reputation than any house in the school. For years past the house had led on the cricket and football field and off it. Sometimes other houses would actually win one of the cups, but, when this happened, Seymour's was always their most dangerous rival. Other houses had their ups and downs, were very good one year and very bad the next; but Seymour's had always managed to maintain a steady level of excellence. It always had a man or two in the School eleven and fifteen, generally supplied one of the School Racquets pair for Queen's Club in the Easter vac., and when this did not happen always had one of two of the Gym. Six or Shooting Eight, or a few men who had won scholarships at the 'Varsities. The pride of a house is almost keener than the pride of a school. From the first minute he entered the house a new boy was made to feel that, in coming to Seymour's, he had accepted a responsibility that his reputation was not his own, but belonged to the house. If he did well, the glory would be Seymour's glory. If he did badly, he would be sinning against the house.

  This second story about Sheen, therefore, stirred Seymour's to the extent of giving the house a resemblance to a hornet's nest into which a stone had been hurled. After school that day the house literally hummed. The noise of the two day-rooms talking it over could be heard in the road outside. The only bar that stood between the outraged Seymourites and Sheen was Drummond. As had happened before, Drummond resolutely refused to allow anything in the shape of an active protest, and no argument would draw him from this unreasonable attitude, though why it was that he had taken it up he himself could not have said. Perhaps it was that rooted hatred a boxer instinctively acquires of anything in the shape of unfair play that influenced him. He revolted against the idea of a whole house banding together against one of its members.

  So even this fresh provocation did not result in any active interference with Sheen; but it was decided that he must be cut even more thoroughly than before.

  And about the time when this was resolved, Sheen was receiving the congratulations of Francis on having positively landed a blow upon him. It was an event which marked an epoch in his career.

  DUNSTABLE AND LINTON GO UP THE RIVER

  There are some proud, spirited natures which resent rules and laws on principle as attempts to interfere with the rights of the citizen. As the Duchess in the play said of her son, who had had unpleasantness with the authorities at Eton because they had been trying to teac
h him things, "Silwood is a sweet boy, but he will not stand the bearing-rein". Dunstable was also a sweet boy, but he, too, objected to the bearing-rein. And Linton was a sweet boy, and he had similar prejudices. And this placing of the town out of bounds struck both of them simultaneously as a distinct attempt on the part of the headmaster to apply the bearing-rein.

  "It's all very well to put it out of bounds for the kids," said Dunstable, firmly, "but when it comes to Us—why, I never heard of such a thing."

  Linton gave it as his opinion that such conduct was quite in a class of its own as regarded cool cheek.

  "It fairly sneaks," said Linton, with forced calm, "the Garibaldi."

  "Kids," proceeded Dunstable, judicially, "are idiots, and can't be expected to behave themselves down town. Put the show out of bounds to them if you like. But We—"

  "We!" echoed Linton.

  "The fact is," said Dunstable, "it's a beastly nuisance, but we shall have to go down town and up the river just to assert ourselves. We can't have the thin end of the wedge coming and spoiling our liberties. We may as well chuck life altogether if we aren't able to go to the town whenever we like."

  "And Albert will be pining away," added Linton.

  * * *

  "Hullo, young gentlemen," said the town boatman, when they presented themselves to him, "what can I do for you?"

  "I know it seems strange," said Dunstable, "but we want a boat. We are the Down-trodden British Schoolboys' League for Demanding Liberty and seeing that We Get It. Have you a boat?"

  The man said he believed he had a boat. In fact, now that he came to think of it, he rather fancied he had one or two. He proceeded to get one ready, and the two martyrs to the cause stepped in.

  Dunstable settled himself in the stern, and collected the rudder-lines.

  "Hullo," said Linton, "aren't you going to row?"

  "It may be only my foolish fancy," replied Dunstable, "but I rather think you're going to do that. I'll steer."

  "Beastly slacker," said Linton. "Anyhow, how far are we going? I'm not going to pull all night."

  "If you row for about half an hour without exerting yourself—and I can trust you not to do that—and then look to your left, you'll see a certain hostelry, if it hasn't moved since I was last there. It's called the 'Blue Boar'. We will have tea there, and then I'll pull gently back, and that will end the programme."

  "Except being caught in the town by half the masters," said Linton. "Still, I'm not grumbling. This had to be done. Ready?"

  "Not just yet," said Dunstable, looking past Linton and up the landing-stage. "Wait just one second. Here are some friends of ours."

  Linton looked over his shoulder.

  "Albert!" he cried.

  "And the who struck me divers blows in sundry places. Ah, they've sighted us."

  "What are you going to do? We can't have another scrap with them."

  "Far from it," said Dunstable gently. "Hullo, Albert. And my friend in the moth-eaten bowler! This is well met."

  "You come out here," said Albert, pausing on the brink.

  "Why?" asked Dunstable.

  "You see what you'll get."

  "But we don't want to see what we'll get. You've got such a narrow mind, Albert—may I call you Bertie? You seem to think that nobody has any pleasures except vulgar brawls. We are going to row up river, and think beautiful thoughts."

  Albert was measuring with his eye the distance between the boat and landing-stage. It was not far. A sudden spring....

  "If you want a fight, go up to the school and ask for Mr Drummond. He's the gentlemen who sent you to hospital last time. Any time you're passing, I'm sure he'd—"

  Albert leaped.

  But Linton had had him under observation, and, as he sprung, pushed vigorously with his oar. The gap between boat and shore widened in an instant, and Albert, failing to obtain a foothold on the boat, fell back, with a splash that sent a cascade over his friend and the boatman, into three feet of muddy water. By the time he had scrambled out, his enemies were moving pensively up-stream.

  The boatman was annoyed.

  "Makin' me wet and spoilin' my paint—what yer mean by it?"

  "Me and my friend here we want a boat," said Albert, ignoring the main issue.

  "Want a boat! Then you'll not get a boat. Spoil my cushions, too, would you? What next, I wonder! You go to Smith and ask him for a boat. Perhaps he ain't so particular about having his cushions—"

  "Orl right," said Albert, "orl right."

  Mr Smith proved more complaisant, and a quarter of an hour after Dunstable and Linton had disappeared, Albert and his friend were on the water. Moist outside, Albert burned with a desire for Revenge. He meant to follow his men till he found them. It almost seemed as if there would be a repetition of the naval battle which had caused the town to be put out of bounds. Albert was a quick-tempered youth, and he had swallowed fully a pint of Severn water.

  * * *

  Dunstable and Linton sat for some time in the oak parlour of the "Blue Boar". It was late when they went out. As they reached the water's edge Linton uttered a cry of consternation.

  "What's up?" asked Dunstable. "I wish you wouldn't do that so suddenly. It gives me a start. Do you feel bad?"

  "Great Scott! it's gone."

  "The pain?"

  "Our boat. I tied it up to this post."

  "You can't have done. What's that boat over there! That looks like ours."

  "No, it isn't. That was there when we came. I noticed it. I tied ours up here, to this post."

  "This is a shade awkward," said Dunstable thoughtfully. "You must have tied it up jolly rottenly. It must have slipped away and gone down-stream. This is where we find ourselves in the cart. Right among the ribstons, by Jove. I feel like that Frenchman in the story, who lost his glasses just as he got to the top of the mountain, and missed the view. Altogezzer I do not vish I 'ad kom."

  "I'm certain I tied it up all right. And—why, look! here's the rope still on the pole, just as I left it."

  For the first time Dunstable seemed interested.

  "This is getting mysterious. Did we hire a rowing-boat or a submarine? There's something on the end of this rope. Give it a tug, and see. There, didn't you feel it?"

  "I do believe," said Linton in an awed voice, "the thing's sunk."

  They pulled at the rope together. The waters heaved and broke, and up came the nose of the boat, to sink back with a splash as they loosened their hold.

  "There are more things in Heaven and Earth—" said Dunstable, wiping his hands. "If you ask me, I should say an enemy hath done this. A boat doesn't sink of its own accord."

  "Albert!" said Linton. "The blackguard must have followed us up and done it while we were at tea."

  "That's about it," said Dunstable. "And now—how about getting home?"

  "I suppose we'd better walk. We shall be hours late for lock-up."

  "You," said Dunstable, "may walk if you are fond of exercise and aren't in a hurry. Personally, I'm going back by river."

  "But—"

  "That looks a good enough boat over there. Anyhow, we must make it do. One mustn't be particular for once."

  "But it belongs—what will the other fellow do?"

  "I can't help his troubles," said Dunstable mildly, "having enough of my own. Coming?"

  * * *

  It was about ten minutes later that Sheen, approaching the waterside in quest of his boat, found no boat there. The time was a quarter to six, and lock-up was at six-thirty.

  DEUS EX MACHINA

  It did not occur to Sheen immediately that his boat had actually gone. The full beauty of the situation was some moments in coming home to him. At first he merely thought that somebody had moved it to another part of the bank, as the authorities at the inn had done once or twice in the past, to make room for the boats of fresh visitors. Walking along the lawn in search of it, he came upon the stake to which Dunstable's submerged c
raft was attached. He gave the rope a tentative pull, and was surprised to find that there was a heavy drag on the end of it.

  Then suddenly the truth flashed across him. "Heavens!" he cried, "it's sunk."

  Joe Bevan and other allies lent their aid to the pulling. The lost boat came out of the river like some huge fish, and finally rested on the bank, oozing water and drenching the grass in all directions.

  Joe Bevan stooped down, and examined it in the dim light.

  "What's happened here, sir," he said, "is that there's a plank gone from the bottom. Smashed clean out, it is. Not started it isn't. Smashed clean out. That's what it is. Some one must have been here and done it."

  Sheen looked at the boat, and saw that he was right. A plank in the middle had been splintered. It looked as if somebody had driven some heavy instrument into it. As a matter of fact, Albert had effected the job with the butt-end of an oar.

  The damage was not ruinous. A carpenter could put the thing right at no great expense. But it would take time. And meanwhile the minutes were flying, and lock-up was now little more than half an hour away.

  "What'll you do, sir?" asked Bevan.

  That was just what Sheen was asking himself. What could he do? The road to the school twisted and turned to such an extent that, though the distance from the "Blue Boar" to Seymour's was only a couple of miles as the crow flies, he would have to cover double that distance unless he took a short cut across the fields. And if he took a short cut in the dark he was certain to lose himself. It was a choice of evils. The "Blue Boar" possessed but one horse and trap, and he had seen that driven away to the station in charge of a fisherman's luggage half an hour before.