by L Johnson
My eyes were held on the all-white table and the only person that ran through my head was Cypress. All the banter he had over the past few minutes had gone over my head.
“Lucas!” He said.
“What?” I snapped.
“You have some big shit in front of you! You need to snap out of it and focus for a few minutes so that I can get you back straight.”
“I can’t be back to normal. Normal is Cypress and she isn’t here and I don’t feel like talking or being around you honestly.”
Mark pushed me back on the couch and nodded his head. “Man the fuck up dude? I mean I’m not Asher I don’t give a damn about your feeling right now. I care about you serving up to ten years in prison for hitting some dumb ass cop.”
“The pig had it coming.”
“Because he was right about you? Are you not the one person that needs to be caring about your freedom. What if you are in prison when those babies are born?”
“Continue,” I rasped.
“You need to exhibit miraculous behavior when being observed. I’ll have Asher bring you something to read up on and keep you occupied while I talk to Cypress.”
“You’re going to talk to her.”
“I have to, so you can shut up and get the fuck out of America.” He smiled at me. “I have some things that I want to talk to her anyhow. And I know that you need the help.”
“Thank you, I swear you are a godsend.”
“I know. Now give me your journal.”
“NO.”
“No, it’s the only way I see her coming back to you, sir. Break out that damn journal and let me work, please.”
“Fuck.”
“I know what is in it. It’s how I know that she’ll choose you, but you have some explaining to do once she does.”
My journal held my deepest and darkest secrets. It held everything about me that people had no idea about… like the rage and the fear of being alone. If she saw it, she would think, I was weak. “It’s upstairs…” I paused. “Is she going to read everything?”
“That’s what I hope.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lucas
For some reason Mark’s plan worked and reluctantly she came back to my loft so that someone would be there for her besides her sister who needed to go home to her own child. I didn't know if she would heal from the truth. Cypress barely talked to me. And the move to Ireland was for now was on an indefinite hold. The only real hope I could hold onto was the fact that she still wore the ring, swollen fingers and all.
“Are you comfortable?” I asked. Patience was something that I lacked. I wanted us to be back to normal.
Cypress sat propped up in my bed, the covers engulfed her and she held my journal in her hand like it was her bible. “I'll live.” Her eyes skimmed the pages like it was the best book she had ever read and I didn’t know if I should even be around her.
“How long are we going to be like this? You really don't talk to me anymore and...”
“You kill people. I mean am I supposed to just go on with my life like everything is normal. The agent is on to you and there are fifty million things that are flowing through my mind. What if you get caught?”
“I...”
“Have you ever thought about what it would do to your entire family. And then you have your brothers sucked into this like it is normal. None of this is normal. I don't know if I should be scared for my life or not. I don't know you.”
“You know me.”
“I don't.” She yelled. “I know who I thought you were but there is so much that I don't know it's safe to say that there is no chance that I know the real you.”
I tried to conjure up words to say, but there were none there. She knew that I loved her and that nothing would ever happen to her while I was around, but I couldn't make her believe it.” I touched her arm and she flinched like it hurt her. “I have court…” I nodded.
“Like I could forget.” She paused and exhaled once she realized how mean she sounded and rolled her eyes. “Go to court and bring some food back Lucas. I want some cream cheese wontons and a jar of Nutella.”
“Anything else?”
“There is nothing else.” She answered.
The drive to the store was uncomfortably silent and the radio was more of a drag to listen to so I just watched everything around me. I had court in less than an hour. That punch to the agent had been so exhilarating that the threat of jail time was really not an issue. Perhaps some time away from me was what she needed.
Downtown was abandoned, it looked like. There were a few cars at the courthouse, but not much. Hopefully it would be quick. Mark was already parked and inside. He did not agree with the fact that I had told her. It wasn't his choice though. I walked into the courthouse and sat next to him on the bench. “You do realize that you could face some jail time.” Mark said.
“Nice to see you too.”
“I am serious Lucas. You could be in jail when the babies are born.”
“I don't think I will be.”
“Well, happy to know that you have good faith.” He pulled out a leather folder and shuffled through the pages. “I have substantial proof that the agent has been harassing you and you met your boiling point.”
“Okay… I can get you to plead guilty to misconduct and they'll throw a light community service at you and anger management?”
“Anger management?”
“Yes, it’s something that you need anyway Lucas. If we don't take the plea, he will nail you for assault of a federal employee. And that means you can serve ten years. Lower your pride and take the plea.”
The plea was basically a get out of jail free card. I would be dumb to go to court and face the prick. “Yeah, alright.”
“Good come on,” He stood up, walked to the Judge’s chambers.
McMillan stood there with a smirk on his face. “Good evening Elledge Boys.”
“Afternoon,” Mark answered. “Is your lawyer in there or...”
“Elledge, McMillan I will see you now.” The judge said as she opened her doors.
His lawyer stepped in front of me and walked in the door. “Good to see you Judge Patterson.”
“Same to you Patrick.” She sat down. “You are a new lawyer?” She said to Mark.
Mark cleared his throat and nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”
“Well, welcome to the wonderful world of law. All of you take a seat.” We did as directed and she flipped through the pages on her desk. “You hit a federal officer Mr. Elledge.”
“Yes, ma'am.” I said.
Judge Patterson stared at me. “Your lawyer here gave me some interesting things. Agent McMillan has been on you for months about a series of murders.”
Mark spoke up. “Harassing him mainly.”
“Investigating doing my job.” McMillan added.
“I see here that you have no viable evidence that ties Lucas Elledge to the crimes? This case has been open almost an entire five years. Just speculation after speculation?”
“Yes, ma'am but there are some developments that we are looking into.”
“I will be talking to your superior officers.” She nodded her head. “Lucas, I hear that they have put a plea for misconduct. I hereby order that you pay a fine, $10,000 and that you receive the psychiatric evaluation asked by the prosecution.”
“Evaluation?” I knew it already. Mark had said that they were going to ask me to do it. Asher had even trained me on the correct answers.
“Yes, we would like to run a series of evaluations on you.”
“Why?”
“Lucas, enough. He will submit to the testing. What are they?”
“Psychopathy test… personality disorder.”
“How is this related to the offense that the defendant committed?” Judge Patterson asked.
“It isn't.” Mark spat.
She grimaced. “Pay the fine and seek out anger management. Mandatory.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
Cypress
The journal had opened the door for insight for me. I understood now that Lucas kept tons locked inside of him. Mainly things concerning about how he felt inside. He had rage issues, and anger issues when it came to certain types of people and he had changed when he met me. The journal went from angry prose to almost angelic poems of love. It was perfect for me to see what an impact I made. But I still needed answers.
“Stay there,” Lucas said as he walked through the front door.
“Okay,” I lay back on the bed and roll my eyes. It had become basically uncontrollable to not roll my eyes at Lucas here lately. If he wasn’t irritating me by smothering me, it was by annoying me to death. “How did court go?”
“I got a fine and anger management and she is talking McMillan's superior about having the case closed.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, Mark brought up the fact that they have not got one piece of evidence on me and blah. And he said that it was basically harassment. The best thing for them to do would be to find another suspect. The Judge said that she would see what she could do.”
“Your father called.” Declan had called me more than three times and each time we talked the conversation got longer and longer. I hated to say it, but he knew more about my situation than I did. He knew what to do and how to handle it so for once I just started to listen. And listening has me almost loving him like I had before this whole bomb was dropped.
“Oh, he did.”
“Yes, he is coming over here, he said that he wanted to see us both before he went back.”
“Great,” Lucas said as he shifted through the living room below me. “Do you want to talk now?”
“Yeah, come up here and tell me everything.” I laid the journal down on the bed and waited for him to make his way up the stairs.
“Everything, you don't want to know everything.”
“Okay, look I have been sitting here all day staring at this book.” I gestured towards the journal and exhaled. “It tells me so much about you. And then I stared at the ceiling for an entire hour trying to see how Holly doesn't kill herself with what she goes through? I want to know everything.”
“Holly is different than you think. She has known about Callum since the beginning.”
“Lucky her,” I mumbled.
He walked up the steps with two Subs and bottles of water. “Here, take this and I guess I should tell you everything. And at the need of the conversation I want to know what you are thinking.”
“I'll see what I can do.” I mumbled.
He tossed me the sandwich and I stared at him. “I killed first when I was younger. There was a woman that lived next door to us that was a bitch. She hated the world and I could understand that to some extent, but keep it to yourself.”
“You hate the world.”
“I hate some things, yes.” There was a pause and then he started back. “Her name was Delphine and she was a bitch. She owned the bakery. One day I saw her beat these kids from my neighborhood. They were bad children because they had to scrounge up food. Their mom was poor. And she worked to survive, but it was never enough. She always was suffering basically and her oldest children were like eight or nine. They would hang around the bakery. Then one day they stole some bread from her and she beat them with a damn broom. It had been a bad day already. I was home for the summer and my father had disappeared on us like always. I was angry and I hated her so I killed her. I slit her throat.”
My eyes were hooked on him. There was nothing there. He didn't flinch. He just sat there. “How did you feel?”
“It was amazing. I needed that first kill more than I needed anything else. It was like a release… a climax, I had been fighting to get to since I was born.”
“That's not normal Lucas.”
“It's what I feel every single time I slice into someone.”
“Why?”
“I don't know. It's always been there. I mean ever since I was younger and I can't stop it.”
“Have you ever killed a family member?”
“I thought about killing my dad.” He laughed. “But I couldn't do it and I won't do it. I'm a monster, but I could never kill the man that raised me.” Lucas cuts his eyes at me. “I won't give you the details to every single person I have killed and I won't give you a number.”
“I don't think you are a monster.”
“You don't think so?” Lucas rubbed his chin. “Your view is tainted love…”
“Tainted.”
“Yeah tainted.”
“The first thing you ever said to me was, It's okay if it's tainted.”
“I wasn't talking about me.”
“Perhaps you were and you didn't know it.”
“I don't think I was. But I know that if you walk down this road with me… you can't look back. You can't run from me and you can't hate me. I just have to be me and you have to accept it.”
“I have to accept a monster?”
“It's a sacrifice and I can't force you to make it. I don't want to force you to. I want you to know that I have issues. I get mad and when I get mad there is something that brews and brews and then finally it reaches a boiling point and I have to do something about it and it may be something that you don't like.”
“What about our kids can you stop for them?”
“Don't do that Cy.” His voice was low.
“It's more than just you now Lucas!” My voice rang throughout the apartment and his eyes melted. “You have to realize that you can't do everything that you used to. This could be a way for you to start over. This could be your escape route.”
“There is no escape Cypress. You can't run from this. That you have to realize. It can't be roses and sunshine and birds chirping every morning with me. You'll wake up one day and see a storm brewing that you can't control.”
“Let me help you. I can try to help you.”
“Help me by being there oblivious to everything that is happening. That is how you can help me.”
The elevator door opened and Declan walked into the loft. “You two here?”
“Up here, we'll be down in a few. Sit down and don't break shit.” Lucas growled.
“Remember who your father is,” He warned from below.
“How could I forget? You want to eat and then go down there?”
“We can go now.” I held my hand out as I waited for him to help me up. The stairs had become a tedious chore. I missed my place, but he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Declan was handsome, he carried himself so well. I had never seen him in anything other than a tailored suit. His curls were always neatly gelled back though they waved up.
“You look good, Declan.” I said.
“I can say the same thing about you.” He helped me to the couch. “What are you two doing still in the bed?”
“Relationship talks.” Lucas said. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk to you two.”
“Well, talk.” Lucas mood had changed. His father was so much like him that it scared me and gave me hope. Maybe he would grow up one of these days and we could be happy. “And hurry it along.”
“Calm yourself, boy,” Declan sat next to me. “I won't be here for the birth. I don't like to stay in the states too long. I would rather not… so I wanted to uhm… tell you Cypress that I am happy to be a part of a family that has a strong woman like you. We need a woman besides my mom to grab the reigns and you have everything in you that can get you there. I know he can be a pain. But you are a wonderful woman who can change him...”
“Like mom changed you?”
“I didn't come to argue with you. I came to say goodbye until we see each other again. I would rather it be a joyous occasion rather than a fight.”
“Joy on then,” Lucas watched from the table.
“Have you two thought of names?”
“Luna Elledge and Nathaniel Elledge.” I said.
“Beautiful.” He chuckled. “Those names are beautiful.”
“Those
names are preliminary.”
“Those names are permanent.” I snapped.
“Yes, ma'am.”
“Thank you.” I rolled my eyes at Lucas. “Please be safe and let us know when you are there.”
“And tell Callum to give me a call.” Lucas added.
“I'll do all of the above. You take care.”
When he left it Lucas looked angry. “You said that we were discussing names Cypress.”
“I’m naming them what I want them to be named. Nathaniel was your idea a month back. I like it. And you can calm down.” I couldn't reach the damn remote and my show was two minutes away from starting.
“I don't think I can call another person Luna, Cypress. She was my mother.”
It hadn't crossed my mind that it would be painful for him. “I understand. Think of a first name and Luna can be the middle.” I pointed to the remote. “Please get the remote before I roll off of the couch.
“How about Meagan?”
“No.” I took the remote from his hands and flipped the TV on.
“Willow?”
“That's pretty… Willow Luna,” I toyed with the name silently. “I mean I am named Cypress.”
“Good. I like it better than just Luna.”
“Swear to me that you won't kill again while I'm pregnant?”
“I swear to it. I won't.”
“Good.”
“Unless provoked.”
“No, even provoked Lucas.”
Lucas
I had basically been placed on probation by Cypress. I could tell one wrong move would infuriate her to the point of not seeing my children until they were grown. So I played it cool. I let her have some space and shopped with Lydia, who was more excited than I was about the baby shopping.
“Is there a limit for car seats?”
“No,” I said. “We probably shouldn't spend much based on the fact that I feel like we won't be in the states long.”
“So Europe. Why there?”
“I have more family there and she wants to start over completely.”
She picked up a ton of towels. “So you mean that I won't really be seeing my niece and nephew grow old.”
“No, I mean you can come visit any time you like.”
“Trey and I are moving to Texas for college, so I'll be busy and mom will more than likely want me there at Christmas.”