Just Joe

by Marley Morgan

  The driven despair in his tone almost broke Mattie's heart. The last thing in the world she ever wanted to do was hurt him, and it seemed she had done nothing else.

  "Where were you?" he demanded hoarsely, his steely control gone. "After you left the ranch I camped on your doorstep for three days. One of your neighbors finally called the police. I almost got arrested. I looked everywhere for you. Called everyone you ever worked for here in Dallas, went everywhere we've ever gone together. For God's sake, where have you been for the last two months?"

  "I've been in Port Arthur," she answered quietly, her eyes steady on his.

  "Port Arthur?" She saw the incredulous pain cloud his eyes. "Mattie, why did you go back there?"

  "Back there?" Mattie picked up immediately. "I never told you that I grew up there, Joe. How did you know?"

  Joe did not answer, his face grim.

  But Mattie did not need an answer. She saw it in his eyes. "You hunted him down, didn't you, Joe?" Her voice was soft with emotion.

  "I hated him for what he did to you," Joe replied.

  Mattie shook her head sadly. "Don't hate, Joe. You'd be giving up control of yourself."

  "Are you telling me you don't hate that bastard for what he did to you?" Joe demanded harshly, his eyes blazing.

  "I used to," Mattie confirmed. "But there's no point in hating a ghost, Joe. Ghosts can only hurt you if you let them. And that's what Frank Bowers is, a ghost."

  "Oh, I know he's dead—" Joe began grimly.

  "He's been dead for five years, and he's been haunting me for ten," Mattie told him steadily. "Because I kept him alive inside of me. I carried the ghost of Frank Bowers inside of me. I hurt myself with his memory. Well, no more." The firm resolve in Mattie's voice brought a dawning comprehension to Joe's anguished gaze. "I'm not carrying my ghosts along with me anymore, Joe. I left you to exorcise myself of them, and now I'm free."

  "Isn't it true you left me because of what happened that night?" Joe corrected tautly, his eyes fierce.

  Mattie thought back to that cold dawn when she had determined to leave Joe so that she might come back to him a whole woman. "Yes—" she began softly, wanting to explain, but Joe cut her off.

  "I knew that," he told her quietly, his shoulders squaring as if accepting a great weight. "I knew it that morning when I woke up alone. That's the worst part about this whole thing, do you know that? Even knowing how much I frightened you, that night was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I take out the memory a hundred times a day.. .the way you felt in my arms, your soft skin, that sweet gasp as I came into you for the first time..." He said nothing else for a long, pain-filled moment, then, "What now, Mattie? Have you come back to offer me friendship, or couldn't you bear to give me even that?"

  "Of course I'm still your friend!" Mattie insisted, shocked at the grim hopelessness of his tone. "How could you ever doubt that? After all you've given me..." Her hand moved instinctively to her abdomen, but Joe didn't notice.

  "And all I've taken," Joe interrupted. "You never seemed to realize exactly how much you changed me. I was only half a man until you came to me, haunted by my own ghosts of loss and loneliness. You filled me with laughter and lighted all those dark corners. Two months without that is more than I can take. Yes, Mattie, we'll go back to friendship. I can learn to live without the rest."

  "The rest?" Mattie questioned, a rising hope choking her.

  "Love." Joe grated the word. "I know you don't like that word. I guess I must have scared you silly that last night by saying it. God knows, it made you run. I wish I could find some other name for it, some name that didn't bring back all those memories."

  "Joe, I told you, I'm not carrying those ghosts around with me anymore. All I carry now is... love." She crossed the room purposefully, reaching for his large, callused hand to place it gently over the soft swell of her abdomen. "Love, Joe."

  Joe met her eyes, stunned. She watched his throat work convulsively as his hand moved tentatively against her.

  "A baby?" he whispered huskily, holding her eyes. "You're going to have a baby?"

  Mattie nodded once, love shining from her eyes.

  "But you said—Mattie, you said you couldn't have children!" Joe's voice was shaking.

  "I never said that!" Mattie denied.

  "You did," Joe insisted. "That day in the park. I said that you were going to make a good mother, and you said then—"

  "Oh!" Mattie recalled the incident now. "I said that I wouldn't ever have children, not that I couldn't."

  "But you sounded so sure..."

  "I never thought.. .Joe, I thought I'd never get that close to a man." Mattie explained hesitantly, her eyes avoiding his. "Never close enough to..."

  "I didn't even think of protecting you." Joe's voice broke on a wave of pure anguish. "That's why you came back, isn't it?"

  "No!" Mattie protested hotly. "I mean, I thought you should know, but that's not why..."

  "You'll marry me now." Joe's voice had never sounded so defeated, but his hand continued to move compulsively over her abdomen.

  "I—I thought you weren't going to ask." Mattie's own voice was shaking.

  Joe's eyes snapped open. "I'm begging you," he corrected quietly. "Marry me. Please marry me."

  "I want to marry you," she told him steadily, her eyes shining with love.

  Joe closed his arms around her carefully, all strength seeming to leave him as he slumped against the wall and slowly slid to the floor, taking her with him.

  They stayed that way for a long time, holding each other in silence, Joe's hand caressing her body where their baby rested.

  Finally, Joe broke the silence. "There are some things I want to promise you," he told her huskily.

  "Joe..." The sound of his name was a denial of the need for promises.

  "I'll be a good husband," he told her intently. "A good father...."

  Mattie swallowed the tears that threatened. "I know you will be, Joe. I know."

  Again they lapsed into silence, both lost in their own confused thoughts and thinking of the years ahead. Finally, after a long, long time, when the dusk began to shade the sky, Joe eased away from her and helped her gently to her feet.

  "I'll make the arrangements for the wedding," he said quietly. "How about Saturday?"

  "But that's only three days away!" Mattie reminded him breathlessly, her eyes searching his.

  "There's no reason to wait, is there, Mattie?" Joe's voice was tender as his hand slipped to her abdomen. "We have our baby to think about now."

  Mattie's hand covered his. "Yes, we have our baby to think about now," she agreed, a strange uneasiness seeping beneath the joy of being with Joe again. He was treating her like hundred-year-old china, when she wanted more than anything to be a woman—his woman.

  "Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a while," Joe suggested, breaking into her troubled thoughts. "You've come a long way. You must be tired."

  Mattie saw the deep concern in his eyes and capitulated, telling herself that she must not worry about things that weren't there. "Okay. I guess I ani kind of tired."

  Mattie went on tiptoe to press a kiss against Joe's cheek, and felt the tautening of his jaw against her lips. Oddly disturbed, she turned toward the stairs. Stopping at the bottom, she turned back and saw Joe close his eyes and rake one hand through his hair. Maybe she wasn't imagining things after all. She almost started back to him, almost spoke, but just then Joe turned and strode from the room.

  His shoulders were stiff, as if the weight of the world rested on them. Sighing, she climbed the stairs. She would talk to him later.

  "Cole," Jassy began carefully, studying her husband from beneath her long lashes, "how do you feel about another egg—"

  She broke the word off as the strident summons of the telephone sounded.

  Cole studied her oddly, then turned his gaze to his dinner. "Another egg?" he repeated warily. "I didn't realize I'd had a first one?"

  Jassy buried her
head in her hands and mumbled incoherently. "Answer the phone. We'll talk afterward."

  Cole gave the dinner table one more considering look, shook his head and went to answer the phone. When he hung up there was a thoughtful look in his eyes.

  "Cole?"

  Cole sat down next to her once more, his hand reaching for hers. "That was Joe," he told her.

  Jassy sat up a little straighter. "How is he? The last time I saw him—"

  "He called to invite us to his wedding," Cole interrupted softly, his eyes still concerned.

  "His wedding?" Jassy echoed disbelievingly. "Oh my gosh! Mattie must be back!"

  "Yes."

  Jassy eyed her husband questioningly. "You don't sound too excited by all this."

  "Neither did Joe," he told her flatly.

  "Neither did Joe?" Jassy echoed disbelievingly. "What are you talking about? You know how much he loves Mat-tie. Why in the world wouldn't he be ecstatic at the thought of marrying her?"

  "I don't know. The wedding is set for Saturday."

  "But that's only three days away!"

  "Yes. He's in a pretty big hurry for someone who didn't sound overjoyed at the prospect of marriage, isn't he?"

  "Cole," Jassy grabbed his hand in concern. "There's something wrong. Joe adores Mattie. He's been wasting away without her these past two months..."

  "I know, honey. I know." Cole pressed an absent-minded kiss to her palm. "But he's a grown man. He knows what he's doing."

  "But—"

  "If he needs me, he'll come to me," Cole interrupted. "I can't force him to share this."

  "Cole, maybe he's too proud."

  Cole sighed. "All right, Jassy. I'll talk to him on Saturday. Okay?"

  "Okay," she agreed softly, her eyes loving. "You're a good friend, Cole."

  "I'm a good lover, too," he said teasingly, his eyes loving her.

  Jassy drew his hands to her body. "Prove it," she challenged in sweet seduction. "Prove it to me again."

  Cole was never a man to turn down a challenge. He began pressing teasing little kisses to her skin, working his way from her temple to her shoulder with a thoroughly arousing skill. "You taste so good," he murmured distractedly. "Not at all like an egghead."

  Suddenly his lips stopped moving. Jassy felt him stiffening by degrees until he had finally pulled away enough to meet her eyes. They held each other for one taut moment before his gaze shifted back to the table.

  "Another egg..." he muttered blankly. "Oh my God!" His eyes raced back to hers, searchingly intent. "How would I like another egghead?" His tone begged for it to be true.

  Jassy smiled lovingly. "Another egghead," she agreed, and brought his hand to her stomach.

  The three days before the wedding passed in a blur for Mattie. It seemed there was so much to do, and so little time to do it in. Joe spent every minute with her from the moment she got up until the second she went to bed. It was then, though, that he quietly disappeared.

  Maybe they both needed time, she thought wisely. They were going to have to adjust to the idea of being husband and wife. Time enough for the loving, she decided, as long as they had the love. Did he understand the niggling uneasiness she felt? she wondered. They had made love outside the bounds of marriage, and although she would never regret it, because he had given her so much that night, she wanted to make it right with the vows they would take. Old-fashioned but true. She wanted to belong to him in the eyes of God and the world before she belonged to him again in body. She somehow felt that Joe felt the same way, and it made her heart twist with emotion.

  They had moved her things from her cottage to Joe's ranch, where Joe told her they would spend the rest of their lives together. Mattie's eyes softened at the memory of those words. She'd settled into one of the spare bedrooms where she slept soundly for two nights and dreamed of Joe.

  When Saturday came she was finally at peace with herself and the world. Every moment of that day was preserved in her mind with beautiful, aching clarity: the sweet smell of the white roses Joe had arranged for in the small chapel, the sharp crispness of the air, the probing fingers of light that streamed through the stained-glass windows and reflected in rainbow prisms all around them. Jassy and Cole stood as witnesses to the vows she and Joe exchanged, and overwhelming reverence appeared in Joe's eyes as he bent to seal their marriage with the brush of his lips against hers.

  Joe held her hand in a gentle grip on the drive home, as Cole and Jassy followed behind for a celebratory meal. They exchanged few words, but let the silence speak for them.

  Once back at the ranch, Mattie changed from the white dress Joe had insisted on into a pair of comfortable slacks and a sweater. Jassy joined her in the kitchen to help her prepare the feast they would share. Mattie was bubbling over with happiness, laughing and bright-eyed as she and Jassy chatted over the meal preparation.

  "You're really happy, aren't you?" Jassy asked quietly.

  Mattie turned to her in surprise. "Yes, I'm really happy. It was a long road.. .but then, I imagine you know all about that."

  Their eyes held in silent communication, then they both smiled.

  "What about Joe?" Jassy asked softly.

  "We're going to be a family now," Mattie answered, radiant joy shining in her words. "Neither of us will ever be alone again. We'll have each other and—" she hesitated for a moment "—we'll have our baby."

  "You—you're going to have a baby? Oh my gosh!" Jassy's hand moved to her own abdomen, and their eyes met in sudden comprehension.

  "Christmas Eve!" they murmured together, laughing.

  " I can't believe...!"

  "Does Cole know...?"

  "This is wonderful! I'll have someone to complain to about morning sickness."

  "And not being able to see your toes."

  "And craving jalepeno ice cream."

  They broke off, laughing, as the web of friendship tightened its hold around them.

  Joe had disappeared immediately after they reached the ranch, ostensibly to change from his formal clothes into something more casual. Cole finally found Joe in his study, still in his suit, although the tie was now gone and the shirt opened. One hand was curled protectively around a half-full tumbler of neat Scotch that looked as if it hadn't been touched. He sat with his back to the door, hidden in the depths of the leather wing chair he had angled to a view of the gathering dusk.

  "Is this a private party, or can anybody join in?" Cole's drawl from the doorway drew Joe's eyes from the window.

  "Pull up a chair old buddy and join me in a drink."

  Cole studied Joe for a second before straddling a straight-back chair beside the desk and complying with his friend's invitation.

  "What are we drinking to, Joe?" Cole asked with studied idleness, studying the liquor in his glass.

  "To women," Joe proposed quietly, solemnly. "And the love they bring."

  They drank to that in silence that seemed to stretch and hang between them. Finally Joe spoke, his voice rusty.

  "I had to keep her."

  Cole sighed. "I know you did, Joe."

  Again the silence fell between them, and this time it was Cole who spoke.

  "Jassy's going to have a baby," he said softly. Joe flinched, but Cole didn't notice. "I can't tell you how it feels, knowing the woman you love is going to have your child." Cole's voice was colored with wonder and a shining contentment that made Joe envious.

  "You don't have to tell me," he told Cole thickly. "I know."

  Cole's eyes raced to Joe's, searching out the hidden truth. "A baby? Joe, is that how you're holding on to her? Is that why she married you?"

  Joe smiled mirthlessly, his eyes glittering oddly. "I did you one better, Cole. You had your way of holding on to Jassy. I found my way of holding on to Mattie. It's the oldest trick in the book, you know. And I was enough of a bastard to use it." Joe drained the contents of his glass.

  "Desperate enough, anyway," Cole corrected. "Did you plan to get her pregnant, Joe?"

&
nbsp; "No," Joe grated, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. "No. I guess I'm not that much of a bastard. I didn't think that she could—hell, I didn't think at all! I was just loving her."

  A tap on the door prevented Cole from saying anything further. Jassy peeked in and announced, "Dinner's ready."

  Joe's gaze held Cole's for one long second, and Cole nodded imperceptibly. When they left the room together, they left the conversation behind.

  Hours later, after the dinner was finished and Jassy and Cole had left, Mattie stood in the doorway of the study looking at Joe. He seemed to be lost to her, though more than anything she needed to have him with her. She knew for certain now that there was something wrong. It wasn't just a desire to make things right with their marriage vows that held Joe away from her, there was something hurting him. She had to help him, to bring him peace as he had brought it to her.

  "Joe," she sighed his name, and brought him from his reverie. "Are you coming to bed?"

  His face blanched, and his body trembled.

  "Joe?" Mattie repeated, shocked by the reaction, moving into the room to his side. She pressed against him, closing her arms around him as if in-doing this she could absorb the pain she knew he felt.

  "I didn't know if you'd... want that," he told her finally, his eyes burning as he cherished the feel of her against him.

  "Not want it?" she repeated incredulously. "I've spent two months walking around, empty. Craving your touch, the feel of you... inside of me—"

  "Mattie!" Joe groaned, his whole body tightening and taut.

  "I have your baby...here." She brought his hand to her body and pressed hard, so that he could feel the swell of his baby. "But it's not the same as being full with you!"

  "You want me... You really... ?"

  Mattie's hand covered his and moved it downward to the juncture of her thighs, where the heat and aching for his touch was tangible. "Don't you want to be here, Joe?" she demanded tautly, her muscles clenching to close around his hand.

  "Oh, God!" Joe's fingers moved spasmodically, caressing and arousing and worshipping.

  "Come to bed with me," Mattie whispered again, arching into his touch. "Make love with me."

  "Yes," Joe gritted out hungrily. "Now, Mattie. Let me touch you now."